Old 07-07-2014, 09:24 AM   #1
NCincestlover
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Stop comparing

Since my ex left me in June I've been with two women and neither one came close to matching the intensity or passion of the first time I was with my ex.
The first one I meet at a party and I knew it was just a one night stand and I felt guilty the whole time. Now the second woman and I have been friends for years and we'd always playfully flirt but she was with someone and so was I. She texted me late last night after being out drinking, so I knew what she wanted and I was really excited. I figured because of our history there would be some type of spark but nothing. I didn't feel guilt or remorse but I still couldn't stop thinking about my ex the whole time. It's been years since I've had to get over a break up, I was almost a born again virgin before my ex. I wasn't with anybody for six years before we met and we were together for three. I didn't want to wait that long again but I think I jumped the gun this time. Any thoughts or suggestions would help.
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Old 07-07-2014, 04:42 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by NCincestlover View Post
Since my ex left me in June I've been with two women and neither one came close to matching the intensity or passion of the first time I was with my ex.
The first one I meet at a party and I knew it was just a one night stand and I felt guilty the whole time. Now the second woman and I have been friends for years and we'd always playfully flirt but she was with someone and so was I. She texted me late last night after being out drinking, so I knew what she wanted and I was really excited. I figured because of our history there would be some type of spark but nothing. I didn't feel guilt or remorse but I still couldn't stop thinking about my ex the whole time. It's been years since I've had to get over a break up, I was almost a born again virgin before my ex. I wasn't with anybody for six years before we met and we were together for three. I didn't want to wait that long again but I think I jumped the gun this time. Any thoughts or suggestions would help.
Yeah.

Been there and done that.

It takes time and the right woman...what's the hurry?
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Old 07-07-2014, 05:27 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by NCincestlover View Post
Since my ex left me in June I've been with two women and neither one came close to matching the intensity or passion of the first time I was with my ex.
The first one I meet at a party and I knew it was just a one night stand and I felt guilty the whole time. Now the second woman and I have been friends for years and we'd always playfully flirt but she was with someone and so was I. She texted me late last night after being out drinking, so I knew what she wanted and I was really excited. I figured because of our history there would be some type of spark but nothing. I didn't feel guilt or remorse but I still couldn't stop thinking about my ex the whole time. It's been years since I've had to get over a break up, I was almost a born again virgin before my ex. I wasn't with anybody for six years before we met and we were together for three. I didn't want to wait that long again but I think I jumped the gun this time. Any thoughts or suggestions would help.
The rule of thumb I've heard, which seems to be accurate for me, is that getting completely over an ex takes about as long as the relationship you had. It doesn't mean you have to be single and miserable all that time, but if you were together three years and it's only a month since you broke up - yeah, it might be a bit soon to be playing with new partners. If you do, it might be courteous to warn them, something like "hey, just so you know, I'm still dealing with a breakup so I'm not in a position to make any long-term promises".

Keep yourself busy. Tidy the house, read a book, exercise, whatever it takes to keep your mind from dwelling on her too much. It'll get easier with time.
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Old 07-07-2014, 05:47 PM   #4
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If you do, it might be courteous to warn them, something like "hey, just so you know, I'm still dealing with a breakup so I'm not in a position to make any long-term promises".

Keep yourself busy. Tidy the house, read a book, exercise, whatever it takes to keep your mind from dwelling on her too much. It'll get easier with time.[/quote]

The first one didn't need to know anything because it was just a one night stand. My friend knows what I'm dealing with and I told her I'm not ready for anything more at this time. I honestly think she was just lonely and horny too.
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Old 07-08-2014, 06:06 PM   #5
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I think it's perfectly normal. Don't forget that with an end of a relationship, there's a grieving period so be patient with yourself. Don't beat yourself up for comparing. This will ease after a bit as your emotions adjust to moving on after the relationship.
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Old 07-08-2014, 06:29 PM   #6
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I was married for twelve years to a wonderful woman, who then sadly died.
I was single then for eight years until I met my second wife.

Did I fuck a few women in between? Yes. But it was never the "spark"; it was more just to relieve the hormone pressure.

Go slow. Don't expect miracles. Some things just come along once in a blue moon, and that "spark" is one of them.

As for your friend who was drunk, lonely, and horny, there's nothing wrong with taking comfort (of sorts) in each other. But don't expect it to be the "spark"; chances are, if it were going to happen, it would have happened with this woman long ago.

Most of all, keep busy. Find a passion--soccer, painting, 19th Century poets, building birdhouses in the garage, whatever--that doesn't involve women or sex, and pursue that.

All will be well in time, if you give it time.
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Old 07-08-2014, 10:43 PM   #7
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Most of all, keep busy. Find a passion--soccer, painting, 19th Century poets, building birdhouses in the garage, whatever--that doesn't involve women or sex, and pursue that.

All will be well in time, if you give it time.[/quote]

I do need to find a new passion, just a change in my life really. I just need to get back to the man I was before I met her. I was happy and content being alone for awhile.
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Old 07-08-2014, 10:47 PM   #8
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And you won't be alone forever. Believe that. Good luck.
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Old 07-10-2014, 12:44 PM   #9
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Honestly...you might not ever stop comparing partners to your ex. You'll have to learn to deal with that. You most likely won't have that same intensity with a one night stand or a lonely fuck buddy.

And..are we just talking the intensity of the FIRST time? It's great that you had an amazing first time with your ex but that shouldn't be expected. It can take patience, communication and time to learn how to figure each other out. The best lover I ever had was a HORRIBLE first timer.
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Old 07-10-2014, 01:06 PM   #10
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Honestly...you might not ever stop comparing partners to your ex.
That depends. I learned NOT to compare partners; they were all so different. My first marriage... I hardly even remember their voice or words now. I can 'hear' many voices from my past, but not the first ex's. I have better memories of some one-nighters, usually for the distinctive experience of time-place-person.

Obsessing over an ex is self-imprisonment. We can chain ourselves to our pasts, or set ourselves free. Even thin chains are still chains. (That's a metaphor.) We can wallow in old emotions, or seek out new ones. I choose to remember past partners and lovers for who they were, not how they compared.

[/binary thinking]
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Old 07-10-2014, 01:55 PM   #11
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That depends. I learned NOT to compare partners; they were all so different. My first marriage... I hardly even remember their voice or words now. I can 'hear' many voices from my past, but not the first ex's. I have better memories of some one-nighters, usually for the distinctive experience of time-place-person.

Obsessing over an ex is self-imprisonment. We can chain ourselves to our pasts, or set ourselves free. Even thin chains are still chains. (That's a metaphor.) We can wallow in old emotions, or seek out new ones. I choose to remember past partners and lovers for who they were, not how they compared.

[/binary thinking]
That second paragraph is fantastic advice. For all of us!
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Old 07-10-2014, 02:06 PM   #12
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You had a previous lover who was singularly spectacular in some way that it resonated to you. That's worth comparing to.

There is nothing wrong with making comparisons, as long as you favor the person you are with. Someone once said "You never fall out of love with someone." I feel this is true.

You will never forget her, she was memorable, but what was in the past is past, and you have a better chance of looking to the future. Nobody will ever compare to her. Accept that fact. Also accept the fact that you will find someone else that will make you think more of them and less of her.

This is not to say you will forget your ex, but simply that who you are with will take dominance in your memory. It might not be the first person who rolls you, but it will be someone, eventually.

People are not meant to be easily replaceable, especially when we think fondly of them. Don't stress over making comparisons, unless all you do is make comparisons.

I'll tell you one thing. You are on the way to recovery. I'll use Wolper's rule of mathmatics to explain.

You used a first person pronoun (I, me, etc) 24 times, you mentioned your "ex" three times, the one night stand you mentioned once, and the FWB, you mentioned 6 times. You mentioned you and your ex as "we" twice, and you and your FWB as "we (or our)" twice.
It sounds like you are thinking more of yourself right now than anybody else, of which there is nothing wrong with that. You also were talking about yourself as a couple equally with your FWB to you and your ex.
Coincidence or just plain horse hockey?

I think you are getting over your ex (moving on, whatever) This is proven that you said you didn't feel guilty while with your FWB.

Find new things to like about other people. Appreciate someone you are with and their values and you'll feel less guilty with comparisons.
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Old 07-10-2014, 02:07 PM   #13
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Even thin chains are still chains.
Reminds me of the words attributed to Callicles in Plato's Gorgias: "Conventional morality is the clever device by which weak many shackle the strong few." (paraphrased; I don't know Greek)
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Old 07-10-2014, 02:07 PM   #14
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The rule of thumb I've heard, which seems to be accurate for me, is that getting completely over an ex takes about as long as the relationship you had.
I was with my ex husband almost 17 years. Took me less than a year after the divorce to meet my current one. We have been together 13 years now. By your theory I should have been still recovering from my first one, another 3 years or so. I think I got over him by the time I got the divorce papers.
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Old 07-10-2014, 02:31 PM   #15
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Old 07-10-2014, 02:48 PM   #16
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Old 07-10-2014, 05:23 PM   #17
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I was with my ex husband almost 17 years. Took me less than a year after the divorce to meet my current one. We have been together 13 years now. By your theory I should have been still recovering from my first one, another 3 years or so. I think I got over him by the time I got the divorce papers.
There's "with" and then there's "with"; sounds like you started the process some time before the official end of the marriage.

But it's not intended to be an exact formula, just a rule of thumb :-)
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