Old 03-06-2014, 06:30 PM   #226
A_Little_Show
Really Experienced
 
A_Little_Show is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Between your ears or mine (I forget which)
Posts: 237
He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get some air-con"
"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"
"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"
"Yeah, I've got a mate Mick"
"Well, ask your mate Mick to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Dave asks Mick for this favour, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Mick fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.
Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Mick, who is now shagging Dave's mrs. Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"
Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Mick?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"
__________________
Tell me if you enjoyed my story, and particularly tell me if it aroused you. That's the reason I write.
My Stories
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-06-2014, 06:34 PM   #227
A_Little_Show
Really Experienced
 
A_Little_Show is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Between your ears or mine (I forget which)
Posts: 237
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…”
“Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
__________________
Tell me if you enjoyed my story, and particularly tell me if it aroused you. That's the reason I write.
My Stories
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-07-2014, 10:34 AM   #228
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 33,575
Man A to Man B:
I hear your wife has been found guilty of cheating and your getting divorced ?

Man B in reply:
Yes.

Man A to Man B:
So when are you going to call on your mates to beat the crap out of this new boyfriend ?

Man B:
Oh, I am not going to get angry and threaten him or anything.

Man A
WHAT ?

Man B:
He'll have enough problems of his own to worry about soon enough.
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-07-2014, 10:35 AM   #229
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 33,575
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying.

He calls his grandson to his bedside "Johnny, I wanna u lissina me, I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos".

"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda your wife inna bed with another man".

"Whatta you gonna do then eh... pointa to your watch and say, Times Up!!!"
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-10-2014, 02:07 PM   #230
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 33,575
In news that shouldn't surprise anybody whose friends ask them to come fix their computer before trying turning it off and on again, a recent technology based email survey revealed a healthy percentage of Americans are dumb as shit when it comes to computers. Plus obese.

77% of respondents could not identify what SEO means.
SEO stands for "Search-Engine Optimization"

27% identified "gigabyte" as an insect commonly found in South America.
A gigabyte is a measurement unit for the storage capacity of an electronic device.

42% said they believed a "motherboard" was "the deck of a cruise ship."
A motherboard is usually a circuit board that holds many of the key components of a computer.

23% thought an "MP3" was a "Star Wars" robot.
It is actually an audio file.

18% identified "Blu-ray" as a marine animal.
It is a disc format typically used to store high-definition videos.

15% said they believed "software" is comfortable clothing.
Software is a general term for computer programs.

12% said "USB" is the acronym for a European country.
In fact, USB is a type of connector.

Despite the incorrect answers, 61% of the respondents said "it is important to have a good knowledge of technology in this day and age."
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-10-2014, 07:57 PM   #231
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 33,575
A man who'd just died was delivered to the local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female, Blonde mortician asked the deceased's wife how she'd like the body dressed and pointed out that he looked good in the black suit he was wearing.

The widow, however, said she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and she wanted him in a blue suit. She then gave the Blonde mortician a blank check saying, "I don't care what it costs, please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

When the woman returned the next day for the wake, she was pleased to see
her spouse was dressed in a handsome blue suit with subtle chalk stripe.
And the suit was a perfect fit.

The new widow said, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her surprise, the Blonde mortician returned the blank check saying, "There's no charge."

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit."

"Honestly, ma'am, it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead. She said it made no difference, as long as he looked nice.
So, I switched heads."
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-10-2014, 08:07 PM   #232
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 33,575
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-10-2014, 11:16 PM   #233
BuckyDuckman
More naked than you
 
BuckyDuckman's Avatar
 
BuckyDuckman is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,744
(Helps if you understand that "The Wolverines" would be the team name for Michigan State University's football team. Doesn't matter which kind of football you imagine.)

A rookie mortician was prepping a body when he noticed an odd tattoo on the cadaver's body pointing at the deceased butt crack. Curious, he parted the cadaver's butt and immediately heard, "Gooooo Wolverines!!!!!"

Startled, he slammed the cadaver's butt closed, thought about it for a moment and spread the cheeks a second time to once more hear, "Gooooo Wolverines!"

Startled, confused and finding the experience a bit odd, he called his supervisor away from an important meeting, brought him into the prep room and said, "Watch this." Once more, he performed the same routine with the same results.

"Dammit," snapped his supervisor. "You called me out of an important meeting just so I could hear another asshole cheer for Michigan?"
__________________
"— and maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!"

The rest of my drivels and scribbles.

Please vote for my Nude Day 2014 Contest Submission: Nude Day Dos and Don'ts - a short humor piece filled with suggestions for how to celebrate Nude Day and how NOT to celebrate Nude Day!
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-11-2014, 08:50 AM   #234
OzoneRed
Daydream Believer
 
OzoneRed's Avatar
 
OzoneRed is offline
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Gazing from my window to the street below
Posts: 1,506
Quote:
Originally Posted by BuckyDuckman View Post
(Helps if you understand that "The Wolverines" would be the team name for Michigan State University's football team. Doesn't matter which kind of football you imagine.)

A rookie mortician was prepping a body when he noticed an odd tattoo on the cadaver's body pointing at the deceased butt crack. Curious, he parted the cadaver's butt and immediately heard, "Gooooo Wolverines!!!!!"

Startled, he slammed the cadaver's butt closed, thought about it for a moment and spread the cheeks a second time to once more hear, "Gooooo Wolverines!"

Startled, confused and finding the experience a bit odd, he called his supervisor away from an important meeting, brought him into the prep room and said, "Watch this." Once more, he performed the same routine with the same results.

"Dammit," snapped his supervisor. "You called me out of an important meeting just so I could hear another asshole cheer for Michigan?"
The Wolverines are the University of Michigan's teams. Michigan State University's teams are the Spartans. Wolverines and Spartans don't like each other very much. Don't be surprised if you get a lot of hate PM's about this.
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-11-2014, 01:18 PM   #235
jehoram
Really Experienced
 
jehoram's Avatar
 
jehoram is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 278
Which reminds me of another football joke:

The University of Notre Dame, a Catholic school in Ohio, used to have a reputation for playing aggressively, to the point of dirty tactics. After one game in the 1950s, several players on the opposite team complained to their coach about being bitten by the Notre Dame players, and asked him what he was going to do about it. He replied, "Well, for one thing, the next time we play them, it's gonna have to be on a Friday."
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-11-2014, 03:40 PM   #236
Zeb_Carter
...
 
Zeb_Carter's Avatar
 
Zeb_Carter is offline
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: In a state...
Posts: 10,317
For our friends from Canada...

http://9gag.com/gag/av0vE0n
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-11-2014, 03:52 PM   #237
BuckyDuckman
More naked than you
 
BuckyDuckman's Avatar
 
BuckyDuckman is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,744
Quote:
Originally Posted by OzoneRed View Post
The Wolverines are the University of Michigan's teams. Michigan State University's teams are the Spartans. Wolverines and Spartans don't like each other very much. Don't be surprised if you get a lot of hate PM's about this.
D-oh! You are correct!
__________________
"— and maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!"

The rest of my drivels and scribbles.

Please vote for my Nude Day 2014 Contest Submission: Nude Day Dos and Don'ts - a short humor piece filled with suggestions for how to celebrate Nude Day and how NOT to celebrate Nude Day!
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-11-2014, 11:27 PM   #238
johneb87
Literotica Guru
 
johneb87's Avatar
 
johneb87 is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 7,381
Identifying reproductive systems (Futurama fans will enjoy #6)
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/he...lts-to-label-m
__________________
Dammit, I need to get some sleep.

My stories
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions

Travel blog and random musings
http://johneb87.wordpress.com/

My Visual Arts thread
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=952541
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-12-2014, 06:12 AM   #239
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 33,575
Quote:
Originally Posted by johneb87 View Post
Identifying reproductive systems (Futurama fans will enjoy #6)
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/he...lts-to-label-m
This should be in all schools,; and in the Humour thread.
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-12-2014, 08:46 AM   #240
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 33,575
London is quite famous (should that be "infamous"? ) for it's effects on Baggage:-

After his return from Rome, Will couldn't find his luggage in the London Gatwick airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn't shown up on the carousel. She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.

'Now', she asked Will, 'has your plane arrived yet?'

==============

Guy's Experience at Heathrow

At the airline check in at London Heathrow, Guy has three bags. He puts them down and says to the young lady, 'I'd like you to send this one to Los Angeles, that one to Hong Kong and the last one to Durban.' Her face shows signs of confusion before her training takes over and she says, 'I'm afraid we can't do that, sir.'

'Why not?' demands Guy, 'you did the last time I flew with you.' I have the picture!
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-12-2014, 08:50 AM   #241
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 33,575
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

(Wouldn't it be great if that actually happened?)
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-12-2014, 08:55 AM   #242
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 33,575
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-12-2014, 08:58 AM   #243
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 33,575
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. - Rita Rudner

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. - Sam Levenson (1911 - 1980)

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children. - King Edward VIII (1894 - 1972)

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. - Clarence Darrow (1857 - 1938)
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-12-2014, 09:03 PM   #244
StrangeLife
Literotica Guru
 
StrangeLife's Avatar
 
StrangeLife is offline
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: All over the place
Posts: 3,016
White House HR Manager: "We've finished interviewing the new applicant for the internship Mr. President. I'm afraid she sucks..."

Bill Clinton: "HIRE HER!"
__________________
.

My stories on Literotica.
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-12-2014, 11:25 PM   #245
JackLuis
Literotica Guru
 
JackLuis's Avatar
 
JackLuis is offline
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: La La Calif
Posts: 7,268
http://d1jrw5jterzxwu.cloudfront.net...immigrants.jpg

The Picture is too big for the page. but the link works cool.
__________________
JackLuis-

Here My Stories

The Horny Springs Saga continues.

My New Best Friend, for our VE's


Fiction writers are just liars with typing skills.
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-13-2014, 08:52 AM   #246
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 33,575
The Hinge

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Builders Warehouse and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom Tap.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that Bath Tap?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated Bath Tap and the price is $5,400.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive Tap.
It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled.
"Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the Bath Tap.

This is why you can't send a woman to a
BUILDERS WAREHOUSE.
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-13-2014, 02:10 PM   #247
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 33,575
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall; he slowly makes it to the kitchen.

There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.

"Push off!" she said, ... "they're for the funeral."
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-13-2014, 02:12 PM   #248
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 33,575
At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen.
I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.
It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-13-2014, 02:15 PM   #249
Handley_Page
Literotica Guru
 
Handley_Page's Avatar
 
Handley_Page is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 33,575
Drugs have nothing to do with the creation of music. In fact, drugs are dumb and self-indulgent. Kind of like sucking your thumb. - Courtney Love

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. - Steve Landesberg

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly . . . very slowly. - Gypsy Rose Lee

If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. - Linda Furney

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office. - Shirley MacLaine
__________________
.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-13-2014, 09:32 PM   #250
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,429
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Ralph, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?

Are you at peace with God?" Ralph replies, "God and I are tight. He knows
I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in
the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on.
When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the
doctor calls Ralph's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Ralph is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.

Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! .. the light goes on
in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! ... the light goes off?"

Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:05 AM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.