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Old 01-21-2014, 06:32 PM   #1
Damana
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First Erotica Ever. Please R & R!

Author: Damana

Category: Romance/Light Erotica WIP

Working Title: Scribble


Link: http://www.literotica.com/s/scribble-01

Your thoughts and feedback would be greatly appreciated. So that I may improve. Will gladly return the favor!

Thank you!

Damana
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Old 01-21-2014, 07:21 PM   #2
PennLady
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I just read some of your story. Congrats on posting.

I'm sorry I didn't read the whole thing. I'm getting a cold and it's a little hard to focus.

Anyway, from what I read, you need a little work on basics, mostly punctuation. It wasn't hard to read, but you had missing commas and periods which made the flow a little odd, and some where they didn't need to be. Dialogue punctuation also had some errors, but a lot of people do that.

Your opening paragraphs were also on the long side, which is hard to read on a screen. Easy to fix, though.

Things I noticed:

Quote:
"Don't move." The command gentle but stern.
Should be:

"Don't move." The command was gentle but stern.

Next:

Quote:
A pout was visible as she complied turning her head back to face the wall.
The "was" makes this passive, which gets dull fast. I'd suggest: She pouted as she turned her head back to the wall.

Next:
Quote:
A chuckle was her answer followed by a firm nip on her ear and neck. "You know how I feel about pouting and sass love." He muttered.
The dialogue punctuation is wrong. It should be:

"You know how I feel about pouting and sass, love," he muttered.

You need the comma before love b/c he is directly addressing her, and before the close quote, then he is lowercase.

Next:
Quote:
"I'm going to undress you slowly Princess understand?" his breath warm against her ear.
Should be:
"I'm going to undress you slowly, Princess, understand?" His breath was warm against her ear.

"His" is capitalized becuase you don't have a dialogue tag, or attribution, like "he said." And you forgot the "was."

Just little things, hope that helps some. Can't say much about the content because like I said, I can't quite focus, but the premise seemed fine to me. More a scene than a story, since there was no conflict, but nothing wrong with that.
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Old 01-21-2014, 08:15 PM   #3
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PL said most of what I thought when reading the story. But unlike with her, the punctuation issues stopped me many times. Also, I'm not sure I found any romance (your chosen category) in the scene. On the other hand, it lacked the reality of BDSM.

If your intention is to continue with the characters you introduced here, you might better have tightened this section and added more. As a reader, I learned little about them. She has a name, but if he does, I don't remember. The scene appears to be a game where she knows the steps before they happen. She comes off as silly when she giggles at his orders. Yet whatever characteristics you saw in them when you wrote this didn't come through enough to leave an impression.


In my opinion, as written, the piece fell short. Good luck with the following chapters.

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Old 01-21-2014, 09:53 PM   #4
Damana
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Thank you both for the comments. I know my grammar isn't the strongest (it never has been to be honest and it something I need to work on.) What I posted is, as I said, a WIP so revision will be done and things cleaned up with each version (I hope getting better as I do).

It is rough to be fair. I just wrote scenes as they popped into my head, so that could explain the uneven flow of it. To be fair, I don't think all BDSM is hardcore. Yes, it's probably lacking in a few areas but I don't think there's anything wrong with the softer side of things.

Thank you both again for your comments. I'll be sure you let you know when I post revisions & new chapters and welcome your thoughts and feedback!

Damana.
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Old 01-22-2014, 05:57 AM   #5
JAMESBJOHNSON
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Avoid passive-static verbs UNLESS you wanna reveal passive characteristics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMBil4FkLKc

Notice how the Lion abruptly changes from aggressive to passive after Dorothy swats him. Listen for his passive verbs.

When you want the reader to feel stuck pour on the passive verbs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HouZ5GHxlpQ
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Last edited by JAMESBJOHNSON : 01-22-2014 at 06:08 AM.
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Old 01-22-2014, 08:26 AM   #6
Damana
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Thank you for the links. I'll look at them when I get in from work.
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