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Old 12-24-2013, 10:26 AM   #1
Dark2129 is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1
Just another first-timer looking for some feedback

Hi all,

I just had my first 'real' story posted (I have another one up, too, but it was a blitz-write I did that I'm no longer a fan of). I was wondering if I could get some feedback. It's my first real foray into erotic writing, and I'm interested to hear what people think, if you have the time.


Just fyi, it's a brother/sister story (thought I'd post a warning, since I know some people are skeeved out by such things).

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read it, especially during a busy time like this!
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Old 12-31-2013, 11:57 PM   #2
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I liked it, for the most part. Your writing flows smoothly and especially the beginning was almost too depressing to go on. You grabbed at my heartstrings and yanked fiercely. The sex scenes, in particular that phone call, were fine. In general, I liked the fine line you walked between building your characters and building sexual tension. Also, some genuinely funny dialogue.

Too bad that fine line gets tossed out the window once Cass and Alex let go and the story wades deeply into strokefest territory. The climax you've built towards felt off, and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe Cass' transformation from "OMG, wrong" to Alex' cock slut came off just a little too drastic for my taste. Maybe because the first, explosive lovemaking was just a Director's Cut of what Alex did with Meredith. But that's just my two cents.

Also, do yourself the favor and try to find an editor. The story as a whole was fine, but there were enough dropped words, slips in time and extraneous commas to*distract me.

I gave it a 4, for the reasons summed up above. I would like to see more of your work, there is potential, you'll need just a little fine tuning. If you can't find an editor, hit me up and I'll go over your stuff. Even if it is not my strongest suit, a second pair of eyes usually helps to spot the things the spell checker ignores.
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The Rembrandt Legacy
Convicted engineer with special power gets recruited by alien rogues to pull off a difficult heist.

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