Old 11-10-2013, 06:27 PM   #1
Aussieroughguy
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My First Submission

Hi guys,

well my first submission was accepted and is now up. Would love to hear some feedback.

My story was meant to be more erotic and not just a sex story. I hope you find it as such.

http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-witness
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Old 11-10-2013, 08:09 PM   #2
sr71plt
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It's OK as a stroker turn on. There will be those who are turned on, and if you are by it, that's good enough. You do the measurement thing that many here criticize; it's just a vignette, not a story really; and there are noticeable punctuation problems. You realize there's a Masturbation category here, don't you? That's essentially what the work is--although voyeur and exhibitionism are in there too--but you don't include "masturbation" even as a keyword.
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Old 11-10-2013, 08:56 PM   #3
Aussieroughguy
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Hey thanks for replying.

Firstly what do you mean regarding the "measurement thing that many here criticize"

What are my punctuation problems. No offense and I appreciate the comments but it's no good telling me that I have punctuation problems without telling me what they are. How else am I going to learn? If you don't care to point them out, I completly understand as we're all time poor no doubt.

Masturbation category... I didn't see one but I could have easily missed it. I still think it belongs in the category that it's in because that's more about what it is. As for the tag - you're right, that's one I missed.
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Old 11-10-2013, 09:21 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Aussieroughguy View Post
Hey thanks for replying.

Firstly what do you mean regarding the "measurement thing that many here criticize"

What are my punctuation problems. No offense and I appreciate the comments but it's no good telling me that I have punctuation problems without telling me what they are. How else am I going to learn? If you don't care to point them out, I completly understand as we're all time poor no doubt.

Masturbation category... I didn't see one but I could have easily missed it. I still think it belongs in the category that it's in because that's more about what it is. As for the tag - you're right, that's one I missed.
The measurement thing is the cup measurement. If you read in on this forum, you'll see how often the use of measurements is criticized. It doesn't bother me, but it bothers others who start whole threads to complain about it.

I took the time to read the story; I'm not going to edit it. There are enough punctuation problems that you really need another pair of experienced eyes to go over your stories. So, I disagree that it's no good to tell you you have punctuation problems. It's actually quite valuable for you to learn that. You apparently don't realize it.
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Old 11-10-2013, 11:31 PM   #5
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Ok thanks for explaining that.

I thought I did agree with you that I need to know my punctuation issues? I made a point about asking if you could elaborate.

To say that "you apparently don't realise it" is completely false and misleading. So thanks.
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Old 11-11-2013, 10:49 AM   #6
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Not exactly my favourite genre of story, but overall it could become something if you studied some writing.

Your characters have absolutely zero emotion, nothing to make me think, "I care about him".

If you added this bit into a longer story, it would be a good addition.

Your writing requires MUCH polishing. Your first four paragraphs were tedious and could have been written as:

Stephen's friends cheered as he entered the party room by waving his bottle and yelling, "I'm Here!"

The backstory about high school, the number of men/women, and the need for a break and his age and his major and everything else is irrelevant to the story and should not be included.

Anyway. ..

overall it could be a good addition to a longer story, if polished up and punctuated properly. It's difficult to imagine a party where this kind of thing happens - without some laughter, teasing, and ooh's and ahhs from the audience. Again - no feeling, just telling.
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Old 11-11-2013, 03:46 PM   #7
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Here’s punctuation guidance for the first three paragraphs. Publishing grammar isn’t the grammar learned in high school—or even college—or normal composition. Publishers bend over backwards for reader comprehension.


Stephen carried his bottle of bourbon and mixers into the party, entering through the front door[comma. Gerund clause] while cheering to his mates that he had arrived. It wasn't a large party by any means[comma. Independent clauses] but Stephen enjoyed that[comma—or, better yet, a new sentence. Another independent clause] as he felt more comfortable with smaller groups and people he knew. In all[publishing would put a comma here—the sort of introductory clause needing one] there were twelve people,[em dash or colon instead. As is, it a dangling clause] seven guys and five girls[comma. Gerund clause] including him. He had known them all since high school.

Stephen was relaxed and excited[comma. Independent clauses. And a publisher’s editor would change this to “because.” “As” has too many possible meanings/uses in a sentence] as he had been looking forward to this for a few days. Just a good old fashioned[“old-fashioned” as an adjective. It’s in the dictionary] catch up[“catch-up” as a noun. It’s in the dictionary] with his mates. Being nineteen, he and the rest of them had entered either the work force[“workforce” as a noun. It’s in the dictionary] or university. He himself was currently studying business[comma. Independent clauses—although this one is up for grabs. Publishing permits not having a separating comma when both independent clauses are very short—but publishing doesn’t define what is “very short”] and it was good to have a break.

The others had already arrived and were sitting around the lounges with various discussions going on amongstjust noting that this is British style. Some American readers will expect “among”][/b] them, drinks in hand. Stephen entered the kitchen and poured himself a bourbon and dry and put his ginger ale into the fridge. He took a swig and winced slightly[comma. Independent clause. And a publisher’s editor would change it to “because”] as he realised[Note that this spelling is fine, but it’s British, not American, and the Web site is in the American style. Experience here is that a lot of British spellings might lead to a false site rejection. Just the way it is.] he had made himself a strong drink.
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Old 11-11-2013, 08:42 PM   #8
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Interesting - another person who offered feedback told me that there was nothing glaringly obviously wrong with my punctuation except perhaps my OVERUSE of commas. But you're suggesting the opposite.

But that's cool, it's all advice to take under my wing. And I thank you for providing it.

So to get this right you're suggesting the following:

Stephen carried his bottle of bourbon and mixers into the party, entering through the front door, while cheering to his mates that he had arrived. It wasn't a large party by any means, but Stephen enjoyed that, as he felt more comfortable with smaller groups and people he knew. In all, there were twelve people - seven guys and five girls, including him. He had known them all since high school.

Stephen was relaxed and excited, because he had been looking forward to this for a few days. Just a good old-fashioned catch-up with his mates. Being nineteen, he and the rest of them had entered either the workforce or university. He himself was currently studying business, and it was good to have a break.

The others had already arrived and were sitting around the lounges with various discussions going on among them, drinks in hand. Stephen entered the kitchen and poured himself a bourbon and dry and put his ginger ale into the fridge. He took a swig and winced slightly, because he realized he had made himself a strong drink.
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Old 11-11-2013, 08:45 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kbate View Post
Not exactly my favourite genre of story, but overall it could become something if you studied some writing.

Your characters have absolutely zero emotion, nothing to make me think, "I care about him".

If you added this bit into a longer story, it would be a good addition.

Your writing requires MUCH polishing. Your first four paragraphs were tedious and could have been written as:

Stephen's friends cheered as he entered the party room by waving his bottle and yelling, "I'm Here!"

The backstory about high school, the number of men/women, and the need for a break and his age and his major and everything else is irrelevant to the story and should not be included.

Anyway. ..

overall it could be a good addition to a longer story, if polished up and punctuated properly. It's difficult to imagine a party where this kind of thing happens - without some laughter, teasing, and ooh's and ahhs from the audience. Again - no feeling, just telling.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I really do appreciate it.

So, try to instill some more emotion. Gotcha.
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Old 11-11-2013, 09:03 PM   #10
sr71plt
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aussieroughguy View Post
Interesting - another person who offered feedback told me that there was nothing glaringly obviously wrong with my punctuation except perhaps my OVERUSE of commas. But you're suggesting the opposite.

But that's cool, it's all advice to take under my wing. And I thank you for providing it.

So to get this right you're suggesting the following:

Stephen carried his bottle of bourbon and mixers into the party, entering through the front door, while cheering to his mates that he had arrived. It wasn't a large party by any means, but Stephen enjoyed that, as he felt more comfortable with smaller groups and people he knew. In all, there were twelve people - seven guys and five girls, including him. He had known them all since high school.

Stephen was relaxed and excited, because he had been looking forward to this for a few days. Just a good old-fashioned catch-up with his mates. Being nineteen, he and the rest of them had entered either the workforce or university. He himself was currently studying business, and it was good to have a break.

The others had already arrived and were sitting around the lounges with various discussions going on among them, drinks in hand. Stephen entered the kitchen and poured himself a bourbon and dry and put his ginger ale into the fridge. He took a swig and winced slightly, because he realized he had made himself a strong drink.
Yep, your problem is deciding whose advice to go with, because the Internet is where everyone can/will play expert even when they aren't. Perhaps the better route, as was suggested to you on another forum, is to pick up the education yourself.

I wouldn't suggest you go American if you don't know how to (amongst/realised)--just that you be prepared to take some flak on that from readers who don't know it's proper British spelling--and that if you do it a lot, the rejection mode could be activated here. This Web site tolerates British style, but it uses American style and doesn't seem that well versed in the differences.

An em dash isn't "twelve people - seven guys." It's “twelve people—seven guys" (two hyphens if you can't do a real em dash, as I did in the paragraph above), and no spaces around it. This might be a better place of a colon, though.
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Old 11-13-2013, 02:43 PM   #11
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Hi,

I am a second-time submitter, so no huge experience, but my two cents worth:
It was... OK. I did not get really involved in the story.
Maybe i was missing motivation for the characters, why they did what they did.

And i am of the sort as you, trying to write erotica instead of simple smut. In that veign, i tend to avoid words like cock and cum but has erection and orgasm instead.

Punctuation has been mentioned, but it is not distracting me from the story.
Have you asked an editor to look at your story? I highly recommend it, hè/she can answer your questions about punctuation and help you give the story more zing.

Please, keep writing, you are not bad, but experience will make you better!

MP

Last edited by Monkeys_paw : 11-13-2013 at 02:45 PM. Reason: Did not finish post
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Old 11-13-2013, 05:38 PM   #12
CeasarBoobage
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Quote:
Hi guys,

well my first submission was accepted and is now up. Would love to hear some feedback.

My story was meant to be more erotic and not just a sex story. I hope you find it as such.

http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-witness
Overall I thought it was good. As a first story it's much better than I've seen others do that have many stories posted.

Yes, there were some issues with grammar and punctuation, but it did not take away from the story in my opinion. The only thing that made me pause for a moment was the reference to 'jocks'. In US slang, a jock is a guy who is big into sports. At first I thought it was a typo for 'socks' but realized what it meant.

What do I think could make it better? Maybe turning some of the descriptions into dialogue instead of plain typing. That would help with the 'emotion' part of it, as well as helping the reader feel as if they were in the room as the story plays out instead of hearing about it later.

Making it 20% longer would still make it a short story, but it wouldn't feel so rushed. Ideas for expansion could be the scene of him and the girls leaving the room, the girls on the bed clamoring for a better look, or some flirting between the guy and his crush. That would help cover the blank spot between pouring a stiff drink and everyone suddenly being drunk.

Another idea is that maybe he was getting a slow start due to being on the spot (stage fright) so a girl shows some skin to get him motivated?

The "i said anywhere" teaser was a nice cliffhanger for chapter two.
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Old 11-13-2013, 06:35 PM   #13
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Hi guys,

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story and moreso to provide me with some feedback. I really do appreciate it.

I'll take what you all said under advisement for my next effort.
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