Go Back   Literotica Discussion Board > Main Literotica Forums > Story Feedback

Reply
 
Thread Tools

Old 09-12-2013, 09:04 PM   #1
JayCuck
Experienced
 
JayCuck is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 45
Story Feedback/Constructive Criticism - Please.

Hi Folks,

I'm a new author/writer to Literotica and I've got 6 stories posted. I'd really like some feedback on them.

Five of my submissions are part of a series that I'm writing. The other submission is for the Summer Lovin' Contest, although I'm writing a second chapter to that one as well.

I have 3 stories in the works now with a few ideas percolating.

I'd appreciate any feedback. The content of the stories focuses on Interracial, Cuckold, Hotwife relationships.

Thanks. Happy Writing.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Jay Cuck
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-12-2013, 09:53 PM   #2
PennLady
Literotica Guru
 
PennLady's Avatar
 
PennLady is offline
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 7,853
Links to the stories would help, as well as info about what categories they're in, etc.
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-12-2013, 11:23 PM   #3
joelafayette
Really Experienced
 
joelafayette is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 185
I read the South Padre Island story. It was a struggle for me. I'm not sure if the problem is the length of the story or the percentage of it devoted to actual sex. I had trouble staying interested and had to skim parts. If you're going to devote that much time to non-sex, it needs to really build up the excitement so I don't look away or fast forward. I probably have some kind of attention deficit issues, but maybe I am not the only one that feels this way .

The interracial cuckold genre is very appealing to me though. But I've read so many stories in that genre, you really have to try to bring something new to the table to keep me interested. I think most of your readers will feel that way since this is kind of a niche market. Find a way to twist it up a bit. I see you had some suggestions in the comments on exactly that. You are getting feedback also in the story, so people are interested. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-23-2013, 07:23 AM   #4
elfin_odalisque
Literotica Guru
 
elfin_odalisque's Avatar
 
elfin_odalisque is offline
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: if I'm not all there, I must be here.
Posts: 5,167
Quote:
Originally Posted by PennLady View Post
Links to the stories would help, as well as info about what categories they're in, etc.
Penn, he did give links in his tag but just to all his stories.

JayCuck, it is asking too much to ask us to read all your stories. Just choose one or two that you most want feedback on and post HMTL links in your post.

We don't bite.
__________________
Elfin's Emissions
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-23-2013, 08:36 AM   #5
PennLady
Literotica Guru
 
PennLady's Avatar
 
PennLady is offline
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 7,853
Quote:
Originally Posted by elfin_odalisque View Post
Penn, he did give links in his tag but just to all his stories.

JayCuck, it is asking too much to ask us to read all your stories. Just choose one or two that you most want feedback on and post HMTL links in your post.

We don't bite.
I don't have sigs turned on. They take up too much space. I bet others have them off as well, so a link in a post is helpful.
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-23-2013, 02:21 PM   #6
8letters
Experienced
 
8letters is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 42
I started "The One Less Traveled By Ch. 01". It's a category I don't read so I don't know what's "normal" for that type of story. That being said, the narrator sounds like a pathetic idiot. He's not concerned that his hot wife is going to dump him for one of they guys who are all over her? Especially as he is a "typical out of shape, suburban white guy, who stands 5'6" and is constantly fighting a growing spare tire"? A swinger club is the last place a guy like that would take a hot wife as he isn't going to get laid there and she will (which seemed to be the way the story was going when I stopped reading). You are presenting the world from his point of view but you don't address a very obvious concern.

I don't have sigs turned on, so a link would have been helpful.
__________________
Stories (all incest):
Heather & Michael Ch 01, Ch 02, Ch 03
Cycling Weekends With Sis
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-24-2013, 05:29 PM   #7
gordo12
Virgin
 
gordo12 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 11
I've read your stories although I am not fond of the underlying material. I think you write well and develop the characters quite well. Story lines are developed logically and don't suffer from what I call the Hollywood moment where you have to suspend disbelief or logic to go further or worse have to go back and re-read to put the story back together because someone just wrote a clanger into it.

If you want something different as suggested above perhaps you noticed that you got a lot of comments regarding the cuck standing up over the ring issue ( you just know she'll get caught without the new rings in another chapter and cause a ruckus ). Most of the genre always features a roll over victim that gives in to anything and everything. That kind of character bothers me SO MUCH and I think the comments should tell you that people would like to see a cuck with a little kickback in him at times. It makes it much more believable to me.

All in all I like your writing and consider you one of the better new writers to show up recently.
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-24-2013, 05:37 PM   #8
JAMESBJOHNSON
TRAILER TRASH KING.
 
JAMESBJOHNSON's Avatar
 
JAMESBJOHNSON is online now
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 41,335
I got a great idea for a story from this banter.
__________________
LITs TOKEN STRAIGHT MAN.
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-25-2013, 07:18 AM   #9
JayCuck
Experienced
 
JayCuck is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by joelafayette View Post
I read the South Padre Island story. It was a struggle for me. I'm not sure if the problem is the length of the story or the percentage of it devoted to actual sex. I had trouble staying interested and had to skim parts. If you're going to devote that much time to non-sex, it needs to really build up the excitement so I don't look away or fast forward. I probably have some kind of attention deficit issues, but maybe I am not the only one that feels this way .

The interracial cuckold genre is very appealing to me though. But I've read so many stories in that genre, you really have to try to bring something new to the table to keep me interested. I think most of your readers will feel that way since this is kind of a niche market. Find a way to twist it up a bit. I see you had some suggestions in the comments on exactly that. You are getting feedback also in the story, so people are interested. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

Hi. Thank you very much. I agree completely, as I was writing the story, I thought I should probably put more erotic situations or outright sex. I'm still working on the balance between character development and 'action'.
Thank you again.
Jay
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-25-2013, 07:19 AM   #10
JayCuck
Experienced
 
JayCuck is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by PennLady View Post
I don't have sigs turned on. They take up too much space. I bet others have them off as well, so a link in a post is helpful.



Thank you. I didn't realize signatures could be turned off. I'll add a separate link to an individual story in the future.
Thanks again.
Jay
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-25-2013, 07:20 AM   #11
JayCuck
Experienced
 
JayCuck is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by elfin_odalisque View Post
Penn, he did give links in his tag but just to all his stories.

JayCuck, it is asking too much to ask us to read all your stories. Just choose one or two that you most want feedback on and post HMTL links in your post.

We don't bite.


It's not asking too much at all. I will do that going forward. Thank you!!

Jay
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-25-2013, 07:22 AM   #12
JayCuck
Experienced
 
JayCuck is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by gordo12 View Post
I've read your stories although I am not fond of the underlying material. I think you write well and develop the characters quite well. Story lines are developed logically and don't suffer from what I call the Hollywood moment where you have to suspend disbelief or logic to go further or worse have to go back and re-read to put the story back together because someone just wrote a clanger into it.

If you want something different as suggested above perhaps you noticed that you got a lot of comments regarding the cuck standing up over the ring issue ( you just know she'll get caught without the new rings in another chapter and cause a ruckus ). Most of the genre always features a roll over victim that gives in to anything and everything. That kind of character bothers me SO MUCH and I think the comments should tell you that people would like to see a cuck with a little kickback in him at times. It makes it much more believable to me.

All in all I like your writing and consider you one of the better new writers to show up recently.


Thank you for the feedback and the compliment. I sincerely appreciate it. I agree, most cuck stories involve the cuck slowly, painfully losing his wife, while the reader grinds his teeth. That's not how I prefer to develop characters.
Thank you again and take care.
Jay
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-25-2013, 07:25 AM   #13
JayCuck
Experienced
 
JayCuck is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by 8letters View Post
I started "The One Less Traveled By Ch. 01". It's a category I don't read so I don't know what's "normal" for that type of story. That being said, the narrator sounds like a pathetic idiot. He's not concerned that his hot wife is going to dump him for one of they guys who are all over her? Especially as he is a "typical out of shape, suburban white guy, who stands 5'6" and is constantly fighting a growing spare tire"? A swinger club is the last place a guy like that would take a hot wife as he isn't going to get laid there and she will (which seemed to be the way the story was going when I stopped reading). You are presenting the world from his point of view but you don't address a very obvious concern.

I don't have sigs turned on, so a link would have been helpful.


I will definitely post links next time. I should have done that originally. The issue with potentially losing his wife is one that is constantly hanging over any hotwife/cuckold relationship, so I do try and deal with it in Ch01 and subsequent chapters. It's probably something I should spend more time on though, in the future.
Thank you for your feedback.
Jay
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-19-2013, 09:30 PM   #14
peakmb
Virgin
 
peakmb is offline
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 7
Jaycuck,
Just read 'The one less travelled' up to chapter 8. I have to say it is excellent so far. If it wasn't for the set up in chapter one, it would be better. For a start you have Nick dropping Nicole off at Collin's house. A house he hasn't bought yet, over 100,000 words into the story. That lost you a lot of edge because the reader knew a) That Nicole stays with Collin. b) That Nick doesn't leave her in spite of all the new developments. You also set it up that they had an ok but not great sex life, having decent sex several times per week but that the motivation was for Nicole to have maybe better, but at least more sex. We are currently at a point where Nicole is still getting sex only several times per week, but better and all from Collin. I appreciate that as life unfolds, changes take place but by your own set up, you are now in an illogical place. This is important because both Nicole and Nick continue to say they both love each other and that their marriage is the most important thing. The one thing they agreed to introduce a boyfriend for, more sex for Nicole, has not really happened and Nick seems to have suffered greatly from the deal. No sex, but amazingly, he seems ok with this. Nick also seems to have a variable backbone, getting angry over the rings and again over the missed breakfast with his daughters but not appearing to worry about his lack of sex, his not seeing his wife unclothed or her increasingly showing her relationship with Collin in public. Surely eventually someone will see them, the word will get out, his daughters will have their suspicions confirmed, if they continue this way.

I say all this mainly because I actually like the story very much and have investing a lot of time in so far. So many in the genre just end up imploding, either actually with divorce, or rationally with the cuck taking on such ridiculous humiliations (that he loves) until it becomes farcical. Its as if authors think they have to build escalations into every chapter rather than the snakes and ladders of normal life.

I also hope the big promotion that poor old Nick has been working so hard for (and maybe taking some of his precious time away from Nicole for) is not finally to be dependent on a big contract controlled by (drumroll) Collin. The final blackmail humiliation. Sign up and wear the CB. That would be taking it too far....

I remain a big fan. This story still has the potential to last a while and be truly great. It just needs to remember its origins a bit more and be what you said you wanted it to be. More realistic. Thank you for giving it us.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-20-2013, 02:03 PM   #15
peakmb
Virgin
 
peakmb is offline
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 7
Overtaken by events is one day. Chapter 9 posted. Excellent. A reboot to a sort of new normality, nice twist on the contract and the house finally purchased. The stage is set for the next chapter. Literally and figuratively. Good job.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-21-2013, 12:34 PM   #16
gordo12
Virgin
 
gordo12 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by peakmb View Post
Jaycuck,
Just read 'The one less travelled' up to chapter 8. I have to say it is excellent so far. If it wasn't for the set up in chapter one, it would be better. For a start you have Nick dropping Nicole off at Collin's house.
I note that either through author oversight (maybe it just didn't get thought of) or deliberate oversight (left out for us to go ah ha) Nick drops off Nicole who basically jumps out of the car to run to her weekend lover without so much as a kiss goodbye or a hug for her husband. (chapter 1) This is a loving wife who cares about her marriage???

It appears the next chapter will wrap it up although the potential to continue is obvious. I note the author says he doesn't like the cuck gradually losing the wife scenario so it is obvious there will be no real fallout here. (of course he didn't say he didn't like the cuck SUDDENLY losing the wife heh heh)

In some ways that is too bad. The explosions often provide an opportunity for the reader to really get involved in the emotions of the character. Some authors take them too far and the scenarios become ridiculous. If I had a criticism of this story it is that the tensions don't go far enough at times. They get resolved a little too easily. (I'm still waiting for the "ring" incident BTW)

All in all still one of the best stories I've read in the genre.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-24-2013, 07:23 PM   #17
JayCuck
Experienced
 
JayCuck is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 45
Thanks for the Feedback!

Quote:
Originally Posted by peakmb View Post
Jaycuck,
Just read 'The one less travelled' up to chapter 8. I have to say it is excellent so far. If it wasn't for the set up in chapter one, it would be better. For a start you have Nick dropping Nicole off at Collin's house. A house he hasn't bought yet, over 100,000 words into the story. That lost you a lot of edge because the reader knew a) That Nicole stays with Collin. b) That Nick doesn't leave her in spite of all the new developments. You also set it up that they had an ok but not great sex life, having decent sex several times per week but that the motivation was for Nicole to have maybe better, but at least more sex. We are currently at a point where Nicole is still getting sex only several times per week, but better and all from Collin. I appreciate that as life unfolds, changes take place but by your own set up, you are now in an illogical place. This is important because both Nicole and Nick continue to say they both love each other and that their marriage is the most important thing. The one thing they agreed to introduce a boyfriend for, more sex for Nicole, has not really happened and Nick seems to have suffered greatly from the deal. No sex, but amazingly, he seems ok with this. Nick also seems to have a variable backbone, getting angry over the rings and again over the missed breakfast with his daughters but not appearing to worry about his lack of sex, his not seeing his wife unclothed or her increasingly showing her relationship with Collin in public. Surely eventually someone will see them, the word will get out, his daughters will have their suspicions confirmed, if they continue this way.

I say all this mainly because I actually like the story very much and have investing a lot of time in so far. So many in the genre just end up imploding, either actually with divorce, or rationally with the cuck taking on such ridiculous humiliations (that he loves) until it becomes farcical. Its as if authors think they have to build escalations into every chapter rather than the snakes and ladders of normal life.

I also hope the big promotion that poor old Nick has been working so hard for (and maybe taking some of his precious time away from Nicole for) is not finally to be dependent on a big contract controlled by (drumroll) Collin. The final blackmail humiliation. Sign up and wear the CB. That would be taking it too far....

I remain a big fan. This story still has the potential to last a while and be truly great. It just needs to remember its origins a bit more and be what you said you wanted it to be. More realistic. Thank you for giving it us.

PeakMB,
Thank you very much for the feedback and for reading through Chapter 8. I sincerely appreciate it and it's exactly what I was looking for when I asked for folks opinions.

I deliberately wanted to give the reader a hint at where the story was going, when I started with the glimpse of the future in Ch.01. One of the themes of a cuckold/hotwife relationship is the ups and downs, ebbs and flows and excitement and frustration of the cuckold husband. Since the story is written through Nick's eyes, that has tended to be the focus.

I completely understand your point about it being illogical. The only point I would make is that the focus of the story is how Nicole and Nick manage their relationship with Collin. Currently that has only allowed Nicole to get sex from Collin a few times a week, primarily due to the kids. That will change in the future, but I wanted to lay a credible foundation for future changes.

Nick has been a character full of contradictions. He started this with wanted to make sure his wife was happy, only to find out that he really enjoyed the role of cuck husband. The fact that he enjoys it and it has brought out voyeurism, submissiveness and enjoyment from light humiliation has made Nick very conflicted. You made the point of a 'variable backbone' and that's exactly correct and by design. Nick has to find his own way in this relationship and fight for what's important. That results in mood swings and frustration, which I think is a normal part of a cuckold relationship.

Lack of sex, family, daughters, people from work....more time with Collin. All of these are the big issues that are coming down the pike. They have to be dealt with, but I wanted to solidify Nick, Nicole and Collins relationship first. You're right, it's taken a lot of words (100k +), but I'm having so much fun, it's kind of hard to stop....

I hope you continue to read. Thanks again for the outstanding feedback.

Take Care.

Jay
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-24-2013, 07:30 PM   #18
JayCuck
Experienced
 
JayCuck is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 45
Thanks for the Feedback.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gordo12 View Post
I note that either through author oversight (maybe it just didn't get thought of) or deliberate oversight (left out for us to go ah ha) Nick drops off Nicole who basically jumps out of the car to run to her weekend lover without so much as a kiss goodbye or a hug for her husband. (chapter 1) This is a loving wife who cares about her marriage???

It appears the next chapter will wrap it up although the potential to continue is obvious. I note the author says he doesn't like the cuck gradually losing the wife scenario so it is obvious there will be no real fallout here. (of course he didn't say he didn't like the cuck SUDDENLY losing the wife heh heh)

In some ways that is too bad. The explosions often provide an opportunity for the reader to really get involved in the emotions of the character. Some authors take them too far and the scenarios become ridiculous. If I had a criticism of this story it is that the tensions don't go far enough at times. They get resolved a little too easily. (I'm still waiting for the "ring" incident BTW)

All in all still one of the best stories I've read in the genre.


Hi. Thanks for the feedback!!

Nicole is off to spend the weekend with Collin, after having discussed it with her husband, so she's definitely ready to go. It wasn't my intent to show her as uncaring for her family, but I can totally see how someone could draw that conclusion.

I personally struggle with the stories, where the husband watches his grow away from him and does nothing. There are some very well written stories along this line, but for me it's unrealistic that a husband wouldn't do more to protect his family, even in this lifestyle. That's my personal preference..only.

You struck gold with your comment about explosions. I'm trying to develop my skill at writing explosive, painful, gut-wrenching situations, partly because they hit pretty close to home. I'm probably a little too close to the material, but you're absolutely right that it's something that really hooks a reader. I am working on increasing the amount of 'angst' and emotional struggles into the story.

Thanks again for the feedback and take care.

Jay
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-24-2013, 07:58 PM   #19
gordo12
Virgin
 
gordo12 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 11
I can understand how the situations would hit close to home if you're living that lifestyle and I believe you have to be living it to write about it so well. It's also part of my being unable to relate to it because I don't and have no desire to. Frankly I don't know how you live with the stress it must bring.

That being said I think it's that element of gambling in all swap, swinging and cuck relationships that give it that edge. The fear of losing it all and then having to win the spouse back. Even just skirting the risk can be addicting.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-05-2013, 06:07 PM   #20
peakmb
Virgin
 
peakmb is offline
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 7
Jaycuck,
You originally asked for constructive feedback here. You have all sorts of feedback after chapter ten but I'll continue in this quieter area for now.

You have now given us 142,000 words on this excellent story and finally we are all right back to the opening paragraph, hopefully about to step off into the new and unknown (to us). You have Nick watching his wife disappearing for yet another time away from her family and appearing relatively calm about it. We now know just what he has gone through to get to his current position and frankly, I canít see he has any reason to be that composed. I really hope you are going to take this story further but if you do I can see a number of areas where the realism count has to go up and the humiliation / danger / instability issues for seemingly their own sake (or maybe the story) have to reduce. To look at the main characters :

1. Nick. Given his starting position and his apparent happiness with his lot at the beginning, Nick has lost a huge amount. He has already reduced his standing within his family, particularly with Nicole but he has also hugely reduced his love life, virtually lost his sex life and now it seems, his sex drive also. If the cuckolding excited him enough to provide a replacement for his previous sex life, he would be masturbating like crazy now. That is the point of a CB, to maintain the sexual high of cuckolding by denial of release. Instead, he seems to seek release even less than before. More a sign of clinical depression than satisfaction. To crown it all in chapter 10, after all his recovery of his sense of self worth in chapter 9, Nick reluctantly agreed to Collin taking a dominant role in his and Nicoleís life. This has the biggest impact on him of course. He suddenly finds he has no chance to see his wifeís body, no access to her without permission and is threatened with the CB. Any man would question his sanity at this, particularly at first until he saw how it actually worked. So it was particularly unrealistic that on his very first permission fuck, when he would be desparate to know whether his love was enough to balance Cillinís superior ability in satisfying his wife, Nicole chooses to be so cold and distant. No amount of justification afterwards can recover this. Maybe 3 months in, when Nick is more confident of his position, and as a one off, but at first. Ridiculous. Nick is also exposed to a huge risk at home, at work, and in the community at large that a reveal of the true relationship between Collin and Nicole, and his compliance to date in it would create. He must see that, whatever she and Collin are saying, he is risking losing his wife and in turn, the respect and relationship in future with his daughters.
2. Anyone who already has a family, and daughters especially, will tell you that they would lay down everything they had to protect them, fight for them, keep them safe and happy. Even the smallest risk seems large and has to be addressed. It is one of the principle tensions especially with teenage daughters because the fathers can still remember being teenage boys and want to reduce this impact particularly. Nick seems to be not seeing, or discounting to greatly any threat to his family. It is the position of his family in this that represents the greatest threat to the realism of the story to me. Probably the reason why many of the greatest cuckold stories have either no children or ones conceived at an unfeasibly young age so as to be grown up and away when their still attractive parents start to play.
3. Nicole appears to have gained the most from all this, but she too seems to have lost focus. Perhaps more than anyone else. Nick is doing what he is because he loves his wife, Nicole is not ding what she is because she loves her husband. She is walking away from his, her daughters and her own sense of morality and self worth in exchange for new clothes and some great orgasms. Long term, itís not a great or sustainable exchange. Not in the way this has progressed at least. This needs to be addressed as it is only really Nicole who can reverse course and bring it back. If Nick reverses course he may pull his marriage apart.
4. Collin remains the enigma. Can we take him at face value? If he is telling the truth and he merely wants Nicole for friendship and sex, then he needs to leave her enough in her marriage to sustain her relationship with Nick and her daughters. One obvious way would be for her to work for him. Time here is already spent away from family and would have no impact. It could also expain contact easily to the children. At present, Collin is dominating but not leading. A destructive future will not meet his declared needs. On the other hand, if he is being duplicitous, Nick needs to become very aware very quickly and take strong action, even if it threatens his marriage. Either way, Collinís position is not sustainable on its current vector.
I say all this because I do care about the story, its characters and its direction. You have given us a great start, with flaws. To some extent, these are the necessary grit in the oyster but they need to be considered if this story is to be one of the truly greats. It has the potential to be, I just hope you want it go there.

Your views would be appreciated.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-06-2013, 04:19 PM   #21
gordo12
Virgin
 
gordo12 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 11
So what's the plan? Continuing or the end. It's always nice if you let the readers know your future plans at the end of the chapter.

I must admit I had a really hard time reading that last chapter. The material just killed me. You keep wanting to bitch slap Nick because it's hard to believe someone is that stupid. I know it's just a fantasy for some but it really, really sticks in my craw to envision it. Even turning it around and imagining being the bull.... I can't imagine treating people that way.

And to get sandbagged on the ring issue arrrgh! What a lost opportunity for a huge explosion and subsequent????? Oh well perhaps in a future chapter. :-)
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-06-2013, 07:51 PM   #22
JayCuck
Experienced
 
JayCuck is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 45
Great Feedback..Thank You

Quote:
Originally Posted by peakmb View Post
Jaycuck,
You originally asked for constructive feedback here. You have all sorts of feedback after chapter ten but I'll continue in this quieter area for now.

You have now given us 142,000 words on this excellent story and finally we are all right back to the opening paragraph, hopefully about to step off into the new and unknown (to us). You have Nick watching his wife disappearing for yet another time away from her family and appearing relatively calm about it. We now know just what he has gone through to get to his current position and frankly, I canít see he has any reason to be that composed. I really hope you are going to take this story further but if you do I can see a number of areas where the realism count has to go up and the humiliation / danger / instability issues for seemingly their own sake (or maybe the story) have to reduce. To look at the main characters :

1. Nick. Given his starting position and his apparent happiness with his lot at the beginning, Nick has lost a huge amount. He has already reduced his standing within his family, particularly with Nicole but he has also hugely reduced his love life, virtually lost his sex life and now it seems, his sex drive also. If the cuckolding excited him enough to provide a replacement for his previous sex life, he would be masturbating like crazy now. That is the point of a CB, to maintain the sexual high of cuckolding by denial of release. Instead, he seems to seek release even less than before. More a sign of clinical depression than satisfaction. To crown it all in chapter 10, after all his recovery of his sense of self worth in chapter 9, Nick reluctantly agreed to Collin taking a dominant role in his and Nicoleís life. This has the biggest impact on him of course. He suddenly finds he has no chance to see his wifeís body, no access to her without permission and is threatened with the CB. Any man would question his sanity at this, particularly at first until he saw how it actually worked. So it was particularly unrealistic that on his very first permission fuck, when he would be desparate to know whether his love was enough to balance Cillinís superior ability in satisfying his wife, Nicole chooses to be so cold and distant. No amount of justification afterwards can recover this. Maybe 3 months in, when Nick is more confident of his position, and as a one off, but at first. Ridiculous. Nick is also exposed to a huge risk at home, at work, and in the community at large that a reveal of the true relationship between Collin and Nicole, and his compliance to date in it would create. He must see that, whatever she and Collin are saying, he is risking losing his wife and in turn, the respect and relationship in future with his daughters.

Hi. Nick is definitely an evolving character and that's by design. When this started Nick was a normal guy, who was married to a woman who wanted more sexually. He loves Nicole and was willing to go along. The evolution started almost immediately when Nick realized that he was turned on by being cuckolded by his wife. Dealing with that fact has thrown him for a loop, because he's enjoying parts of this relationship, but he thinks he shouldn't be. It's a strange situation for him and there are ebbs and flows. He's a father and successful at his job, so there isn't a lot of time for masturbation. It's not my intention to write the character of Nick as mentally unbalanced, he's simply a person undergoing a strange transition.

The other challenge is how Nicole and Collin transition as well. While the story is written through Nick's eyes, I did want to convey that Nicole and Collin are going through their own transition, with Collin wanting a more dominant role and Nicole trying to manage two men. I truly didn't mean anything sinister between Collin and Nicole, although there is a lot of feedback on that point. Additionally, I don't think Nicole has been cold or callous with Nick. I've actually tried to make her seem the opposite.

The potential for exposure is clear and that's something I want to develop as the story moves along. All 3 of them are in the beginning stages of their relationship and have only been out a few times, so I thought it was too soon for them to deal with the possibility of being 'outed'.



2. Anyone who already has a family, and daughters especially, will tell you that they would lay down everything they had to protect them, fight for them, keep them safe and happy. Even the smallest risk seems large and has to be addressed. It is one of the principle tensions especially with teenage daughters because the fathers can still remember being teenage boys and want to reduce this impact particularly. Nick seems to be not seeing, or discounting to greatly any threat to his family. It is the position of his family in this that represents the greatest threat to the realism of the story to me. Probably the reason why many of the greatest cuckold stories have either no children or ones conceived at an unfeasibly young age so as to be grown up and away when their still attractive parents start to play.

We're going to have to disagree on this point. I think Nick has done an admirable job of looking after and protecting his family. Nicole has as well and up until this point, I've been very careful to keep the girls oblivious to the relationship. I also think that most cuckold stories avoid the issues of children and that's an area I wanted to tackle directly.

3. Nicole appears to have gained the most from all this, but she too seems to have lost focus. Perhaps more than anyone else. Nick is doing what he is because he loves his wife, Nicole is not ding what she is because she loves her husband. She is walking away from his, her daughters and her own sense of morality and self worth in exchange for new clothes and some great orgasms. Long term, itís not a great or sustainable exchange. Not in the way this has progressed at least. This needs to be addressed as it is only really Nicole who can reverse course and bring it back. If Nick reverses course he may pull his marriage apart.

Yes. Nicole is getting exactly what she wanted and more. The challenge going forward for Nicole is whether it's what she truly wanted or not. As her relationship with Collin is new, she's learning how to balance it and her family. We're going to have to disagree about Nicole's morals, motivations or walking away from her family. There have been mistakes, yes, but I haven't intentionally written her character to be someone who walks away from her family.

4. Collin remains the enigma. Can we take him at face value? If he is telling the truth and he merely wants Nicole for friendship and sex, then he needs to leave her enough in her marriage to sustain her relationship with Nick and her daughters. One obvious way would be for her to work for him. Time here is already spent away from family and would have no impact. It could also expain contact easily to the children. At present, Collin is dominating but not leading. A destructive future will not meet his declared needs. On the other hand, if he is being duplicitous, Nick needs to become very aware very quickly and take strong action, even if it threatens his marriage. Either way, Collinís position is not sustainable on its current vector.
I say all this because I do care about the story, its characters and its direction. You have given us a great start, with flaws. To some extent, these are the necessary grit in the oyster but they need to be considered if this story is to be one of the truly greats. It has the potential to be, I just hope you want it go there.


Can you take Collin at face value....yes. That's exactly how I've written his character and it's deliberate. Much of the feedback I've received, speculates that Collin is a bad guy....maybe in the future...but for the first 10 chapters, he's been pretty cool. I do think Collin's position is sustainable...at this point he's simply enjoying this relationship and growing into his leadership position within it. At this point, he's not interested in another wife, but he does very much like having Nicole to fuck and Nick to dominate. It's new for him, after a few decades of marriage and he's enjoying it.

Your views would be appreciated.
I sincerely appreciate your feedback. It's great and helps me re-evaluate my characters and writing.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-06-2013, 08:00 PM   #23
JayCuck
Experienced
 
JayCuck is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 45
The Plan

Quote:
Originally Posted by gordo12 View Post
So what's the plan? Continuing or the end. It's always nice if you let the readers know your future plans at the end of the chapter.
[indent]The plan is to continue the series. Unfortunately, I won't be able to post as often as I have been. I'm working on a book and I want to flesh out an idea for a series of books. That's been taking up most of my time. I also want to finish the South Padre Island Series, with one last chapter. I'm not satisfied with it, as it stands now.[indent]

I must admit I had a really hard time reading that last chapter. The material just killed me. You keep wanting to bitch slap Nick because it's hard to believe someone is that stupid. I know it's just a fantasy for some but it really, really sticks in my craw to envision it. Even turning it around and imagining being the bull.... I can't imagine treating people that way.
Wow. I'm not sure how to take that feedback. Did I write it so good, it bothers your or is it so bad it won't leave your head. Like a song you hate, but can't get out of your head. Either way...something to keep in mind, the light humiliation actually turns Nick on. It's something that is unique to the cuckold/hotwife lifestyle and it's not for everyone. Even Nick is having a hard time dealing with it. The way I envision this is finding out that you really like something that's bad for your...like alcohol or cigarettes. You know you shouldn't like it, but it satisfies you.....
And to get sandbagged on the ring issue arrrgh! What a lost opportunity for a huge explosion and subsequent????? Oh well perhaps in a future chapter. :-)
You're stealing a little of my thunder here. I had planned an explosion (although I may not write it about the ring now) over the ring, but I wanted build up confidence in Nick that Nicole wouldn't take her ring off. I thought that would have more punch...than Nicole forgetting the rings right after she received them. It would be too easy for Nick to forgive....

I'm also working on improving my writing of suspenseful or explosive situations..so that's part of it.
Thank you for the feedback! It's great and I appreciate it.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-06-2013, 11:39 PM   #24
gordo12
Virgin
 
gordo12 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 11
I'll shut up now :-) Not many people read this part of literotica so the readers still wouldn't know about the ring. You'd be fine with it.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-07-2013, 11:48 AM   #25
JayCuck
Experienced
 
JayCuck is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 45
No worries. I appreciate your feedback and comments. Its not a big deal. Take care. J
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:10 AM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.