Go Back   Literotica Discussion Board > Main Literotica Forums > Story Feedback

Reply
 
Thread Tools

Old 09-13-2013, 03:33 PM   #1
joelafayette
Really Experienced
 
joelafayette is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 218
Feedback appreciated - my first f/f story

You guys were a great help to me the last time, and I'd like to ask for feedback on my latest to see if I've learned anything. I'm light on received comments so far, and I want to get some input before I finish my next one which is a work in progress.

This my first f/f story, and I fully expect some flaming from actual women that have had sex with other actual women! I have no problem with honest negative feedback.

If you have knowledge of grappling sports you might appreciate it (or be annoyed if I wrote poorly). But this is not required.

http://www.literotica.com/s/amys-evolution
http://www.literotica.com/s/amys-evolution-ch-02
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-18-2013, 07:24 AM   #2
elfin_odalisque
Literotica Guru
 
elfin_odalisque's Avatar
 
elfin_odalisque is offline
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: if I'm not all there, I must be here.
Posts: 5,281
Quote:
Originally Posted by joelafayette View Post
You guys were a great help to me the last time, and I'd like to ask for feedback on my latest to see if I've learned anything. I'm light on received comments so far, and I want to get some input before I finish my next one which is a work in progress.

This my first f/f story, and I fully expect some flaming from actual women that have had sex with other actual women! I have no problem with honest negative feedback.

If you have knowledge of grappling sports you might appreciate it (or be annoyed if I wrote poorly). But this is not required.

http://www.literotica.com/s/amys-evolution
http://www.literotica.com/s/amys-evolution-ch-02
Still thinking about your concept of 'actual women' having sex with other 'actual women'.

Read both parts of your story and like your writing and development of Amy's character and sexuality. I know precious little about women's BJJ and grappling sports so perhaps not qualified to critique - but I will give you my two cents anyway.

I thought you were rather self-indulgent in Ch 2. The sexual chemistry between the two girls seemed to be second to the grappling. I think you could have tightened your tale to 3 pages by reducing the sports reporting. The blow by blow action was a bit boring. Am I reading erotica or watching NBC Sports?
__________________
Elfin's Emissions
  Reply With Quote

Old 09-18-2013, 10:38 PM   #3
joelafayette
Really Experienced
 
joelafayette is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 218
Thanks a bunch for taking the time to read and review, Elfin, I am paying attention!
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:24 AM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.