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Old 05-25-2013, 07:06 AM   #1
LaRascasse
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Feedback on something entertaining (I hope)

Hi there,

Here is my solo series in the H&S category. These are the links for chapter 1 and chapter 2. Chapter 3 is in progress. Feel free to comment on any aspect of the story you feel worth commenting on.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
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My stories in case you are interested. Offbeat, unconventional and just a bit dark. Just a bit, I swear


In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.
In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.
I realized, through it all, thatů
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
-Albert Camus
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Old 05-25-2013, 07:24 AM   #2
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I'm reminded of clients who spoke schizophrenic word salad garnished with loose associations and tangential accents.

Fire your editors.
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Old 05-25-2013, 09:08 AM   #3
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Red face um well

Quote:
Originally Posted by JAMESBJOHNSON View Post
I'm reminded of clients who spoke schizophrenic word salad garnished with loose associations and tangential accents.

Fire your editors.
Finally my recalcitrant eyelids opened, letting in blinding light.

Is this a parody of a style I should know but don't?

If it is it is truly brilliant; if it isn't then its a bit wordy- don't you think? A little over the top.
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Old 05-25-2013, 09:21 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Perfideous View Post
Finally my recalcitrant eyelids opened, letting in blinding light.

Is this a parody of a style I should know but don't?

If it is it is truly brilliant; if it isn't then its a bit wordy- don't you think? A little over the top.
It is a parody of sorts. For some reason, I find purple prose can be used to humorous effect.
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My stories in case you are interested. Offbeat, unconventional and just a bit dark. Just a bit, I swear


In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.
In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.
I realized, through it all, thatů
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
-Albert Camus
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Old 05-25-2013, 10:45 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Perfideous View Post
Finally my recalcitrant eyelids opened, letting in blinding light.

Is this a parody of a style I should know but don't?

If it is it is truly brilliant; if it isn't then its a bit wordy- don't you think? A little over the top.
Call it whatever you want but what I read sux.
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Old 05-25-2013, 01:08 PM   #6
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Finally my recalcitrant eyelids opened, letting in blinding light.

Don't know who Perfideous is razzing for writing this sentence (don't know if it's from LaRascasse or JBJ), but it looks fine to me--certainly bringing forth better, more interesting images than "I opened my eyes to the light."

This isn't at all what I would consider to be purple prose--certainly not something to highlight for criticism on the forum.
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Old 05-25-2013, 02:10 PM   #7
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Is it happy hour already! Where'd the day go!
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Old 05-25-2013, 06:42 PM   #8
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I read chapter 1. Loved it! Will read chapter 2 later.
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Old 05-25-2013, 07:09 PM   #9
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Loved Chapter 2 as well! Can't wait for Chapter 3!
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Old 05-25-2013, 07:24 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
Finally my recalcitrant eyelids opened, letting in blinding light.

Don't know who Perfideous is razzing for writing this sentence (don't know if it's from LaRascasse or JBJ), but it looks fine to me--certainly bringing forth better, more interesting images than "I opened my eyes to the light."

This isn't at all what I would consider to be purple prose--certainly not something to highlight for criticism on the forum.
If you don't know who wrote it then you obviously didn't read the sodding thing.

It's a style that appeals to some but not to me. or it is clear to .James.

Why don't you read it, as we both did ,then sprinkle some of those pearls of wisdom you have on hand for we lesser minds and explain what the fuck we're missing.
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Old 05-25-2013, 07:32 PM   #11
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I read the sentence you were criticizing. You picked out a sentence to criticize. I found nothing wrong with it.

Maybe you're just trying to seem smarter about writing than you are.
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Old 05-25-2013, 08:08 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
I read the sentence you were criticizing. You picked out a sentence to criticize. I found nothing wrong with it.

Maybe you're just trying to seem smarter about writing than you are.
So you still haven't read it.

I picked a sentence at random-they're all pretty much like that- as an example of the style.

Once again I see you're into the put downs.

Feeling safe there sweetheart?

Do something other than snipe and we'll see how good you are.
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Old 05-25-2013, 08:50 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Perfideous View Post
So you still haven't read it.

I picked a sentence at random-they're all pretty much like that- as an example of the style.

Once again I see you're into the put downs.

Feeling safe there sweetheart?

Do something other than snipe and we'll see how good you are.
You posted a single sentence as an example of something. I reviewed the single sentence as an example of something. I disagreed with you on what the single sentence represented.

I think you're the one who is sniping--and starting the name calling.
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Old 05-26-2013, 04:54 AM   #14
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Typical

Quote:
Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
You posted a single sentence as an example of something. I reviewed the single sentence as an example of something. I disagreed with you on what the single sentence represented.

I think you're the one who is sniping--and starting the name calling.
You still haven't read it and you still haven't commented on it.
Instead you went looking for anything I post and have a go at that.

Did you read my initial post ? If its a parody its brilliant.

So, tell me why you think Finally my recalcitrant eyelids opened, letting in blinding light.

is a particularly good piece of writing. Can you imagine it in the work of a writer who has to sell books to make a buck for instance?
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Old 05-26-2013, 05:10 AM   #15
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God Perfideous, I'm sorry but you're an insulting bitch, you know it? You slam the shit out of people, insult them, and then you fucking whine when it gets thrown back at you.

Either suck it up, or shut the fuck up and move on already.
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Old 05-26-2013, 05:48 AM   #16
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God Perfideous, I'm sorry but you're an insulting bitch, you know it? You slam the shit out of people, insult them, and then you fucking whine when it gets thrown back at you.

Either suck it up, or shut the fuck up and move on already.
Well hello to you sweet heart.

What prompted that? Have you read the posts as they appear?

So, once again what prompted that little hissy fit?
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Old 05-26-2013, 06:38 AM   #17
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Right back at you love muffin

As for why I posted? Uh, I guess because I can?
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Old 05-26-2013, 07:09 AM   #18
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Right back at you love muffin

As for why I posted? Uh, I guess because I can?
Goodness! Such profundity.

Why don't you go back to your basket poppet?
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Old 05-26-2013, 07:15 AM   #19
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Who needs a funny story when you can look at this thread?
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My stories in case you are interested. Offbeat, unconventional and just a bit dark. Just a bit, I swear


In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.
In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.
I realized, through it all, thatů
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
-Albert Camus
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Old 05-26-2013, 07:21 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LaRascasse View Post
Who needs a funny story when you can look at this thread?
Sorry

I loved your story by the way It was a nice change of pace. I sometimes forget we have the H & S section here.
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Old 05-26-2013, 08:28 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Perfideous View Post
Well hello to you sweet heart.

What prompted that? Have you read the posts as they appear?

So, once again what prompted that little hissy fit?
He's Pilot's coarser alter ego.

Nah, not really DR doesn't seem to have any claims to greatness.

I think he's a groupie because the majority of his posts are on threads Pilot posts on and he always takes his side.

Pilot has 3 "friends" here, this guy with his penis extension AV and adoration for the word fuck(disappointing lack of creativity)

MistressLynn who for some reason runs around backing up everything he says and

Pennlady, but I'm not sure she counts because she's nice to everybody.

No, wait he has another, but I think that person is more of a crush because every time he posts Pilot shows up to yes sir him to death and give him the posting equivalent of a blow job.

Everyone else either has him on ignore or fights with him.
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Old 05-26-2013, 08:32 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LaRascasse View Post
Who needs a funny story when you can look at this thread?
I'm not sure I would say "purple or flowery prose" but the use of $10 words most people haven't used in forever slowed the flow down a little, but I get that was part of the idea.

I thought it was pretty good and found it interesting because the rest of your stuff is so dark.

Maybe you should take some of this sense of humor and sprinkle a little bit into some of your other work, take just enough of an edge off of it that people don;t feel they are attending a funeral.
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Something "real men" should know.

The queen is the most powerful piece in the game of chess and frequently has to protect the rather weak king.

Just like in real life.
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Old 05-26-2013, 08:37 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by lovecraft68 View Post
He's Pilot's coarser alter ego.

Nah, not really DR doesn't seem to have any claims to greatness.

I think he's a groupie because the majority of his posts are on threads Pilot posts on and he always takes his side.

Pilot has 3 "friends" here, this guy with his penis extension AV and adoration for the word fuck(disappointing lack of creativity)

MistressLynn who for some reason runs around backing up everything he says and

Pennlady, but I'm not sure she counts because she's nice to everybody.

No, wait he has another, but I think that person is more of a crush because every time he posts Pilot shows up to yes sir him to death and give him the posting equivalent of a blow job.

Everyone else either has him on ignore or fights with him.
Good to know.

The point of this thread was for the OP to get some input into his story.

So far there have been three posters comment on the story; me, James and Mod.

Two of us weren't sold ( James hated it to be correct) and Mod loved it, looking for more.

Good for her. SO, would anyone else care to read the story and just give him some comments?

I couldn't give a rat's arse if you agree with me or are diametrically opposed to my thoughts ,in fact I'd be grateful if you could leave this spat out of your comments and comment on his story.

It is, after all, why he posted the thread in the first place.

I'll be especially keen to read Lockheed SR71's thoughtful reflections on the piece, of course.
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Old 05-26-2013, 09:18 AM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Perfideous View Post

in fact I'd be grateful if you could leave this spat out of your comments and comment on his story.

It is, after all, why he posted the thread in the first place.
Well no shit sweetheart, but it takes two to fight, and you couldn't keep your pie hole shut either. You can act like you weren't fighting all you want, but its right there in black and white.

As for LC, I can't quite figure out why he gives a shit about who my friends are, or why he's so concerned about my dick size
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Old 05-26-2013, 09:34 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovecraft68 View Post
He's Pilot's coarser alter ego.

Nah, not really DR doesn't seem to have any claims to greatness.

I think he's a groupie because the majority of his posts are on threads Pilot posts on and he always takes his side.

Pilot has 3 "friends" here, this guy with his penis extension AV and adoration for the word fuck(disappointing lack of creativity)

MistressLynn who for some reason runs around backing up everything he says and

Pennlady, but I'm not sure she counts because she's nice to everybody.

No, wait he has another, but I think that person is more of a crush because every time he posts Pilot shows up to yes sir him to death and give him the posting equivalent of a blow job.

Everyone else either has him on ignore or fights with him.
Prolly all alcoholics.
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