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Old 05-02-2013, 06:25 PM   #26
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I have had 3 other unattached Doms before him. He is the only one I've been able to make a great connection with. It may also be where we've known each other for so long he has learned how to manipulate? Ugh! I hate thinking that but my mind can't help but wonder..
I'm guessing you know him from work? I agree with everyone who said, you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt.
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Old 05-02-2013, 07:24 PM   #27
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Could it be your insecurity that's keeping you attached to him, the fear that "It took me so long to find someone who I can connect with, what if I don't find anyone like him ever again?"

You won't find someone who can dominate you and be devoted to you until you actually go out there and look for him. I can't guarantee that you will definitely find one, but I can tell you this: recently I put up a profile on a dating site, blatantly stated that I was only looking for dominant men, and you won't believe how quickly my inbox got flooded with interested messages. The Doms are out there, really.

So my advice is this: whether you go through with this arrangement or not, don't stop looking. Also there is a difference between being a sub and being a doormat. A little mystery, a little attitude, a little bit of something that let's him know he doesn't have 100% hold over you -- that'd only make you look more appealing. (And don't just act like it, BE it.)
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Old 05-02-2013, 08:06 PM   #28
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Yes, definitely keep looking. A married man has no right to tell his strange on the side to be faithful to him. No, he doesn't get to do that.
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Old 05-02-2013, 08:07 PM   #29
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OK, this is a subject I'm intimately familiar with and I understand. I was the outlet for a sadist and he fulfilled my needs as a pain slut. His wife knew about me, she didn't like it, in fact, she hated me, but she didn't want to leave him and she didn't want to be caned, flogged, peed on and humiliated. So she accepted it. It was hot and heavy at first and we even spent some nights together, but I was married and his wife would only put up with so much. Eventually, it ended up being a 3-4 hour session every other week. We packed a lot into those few hours.

I did fall in love with him, I am the kind of woman that can't have occasional sessions with relative strangers. I can't let a man beat me, drink his urine and clean him after he's been in my bottom and not like and respect him. I envy people that can do that recreationally, I can't submit to a man and not fall in love. I was fortunate that I found a divorced man and we are a great match and he's a crazy German sadist. When I did, I broke up with my former, part-time Dom. Oddly enough, he has found another married woman in our neighborhood to be his playmate, I never would have guessed that the woman he hooked up with would cheat or be a masochist, life is surprising.

My advice (see disclaimer below) is that you realize that he is not going to leave his wife to marry you, you will always just be a woman on the side. And please, don't try and break up his marriage.

If you can, keep your emotional distance and just enjoy what you can. But realize at some point it will end! It won't be a happy ending either, so keep that in mind. In the meantime keep looking for a man that is available.

Good luck Sister and please keep us informed.
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Old 05-02-2013, 10:36 PM   #30
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You've already received some excellent advice from people who know the landscape you're starting to walk. Listen to them.

Beyond that, I have two thoughts, both from other people:

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

"Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example."
Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680)
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Old 05-03-2013, 12:01 AM   #31
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"Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example."
Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680)
"If you can't set a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning." ~Catherine Aird

There are lots of things I'd like to say in this thread, but it's still too painful, two and a half years later.
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Old 05-03-2013, 08:23 PM   #32
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Old 05-03-2013, 08:35 PM   #33
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Then tells me we'll always be 24/7 in our hearts.
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Old 05-03-2013, 08:41 PM   #34
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LOL! I know, right?? Story book romance bs.



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Old 05-03-2013, 08:46 PM   #35
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I, honestly, doubt he understands what I mean.
Oh, he does understand it very well. But what options did he have as reply? "You are #2, suck it up, girl"? Would this have worked?
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Old 05-03-2013, 11:32 PM   #36
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Well, now that you see where this is going, I hope you've managed to come to a good conclusion about the relationship in general. What is the point of knowing you're getting screwed (figuratively) if you just keep going back for more?
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Old 05-03-2013, 11:36 PM   #37
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Oh, he does understand it very well. But what options did he have as reply? "You are #2, suck it up, girl"? Would this have worked?
Why not?
Lying in the face of the obvious is really stupid.
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Old 05-04-2013, 07:07 AM   #38
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Quote:
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Thank you all so much for the advice and stories shared.
We talked a little today about my feelings towards all of it. I, honestly, doubt he understands what I mean. I mentioned how I will always be a secondary and never be able to live it 24/7 like I desire too. All he could say was I'm never a secondary because I have a part of him no one else does. *rolls eyes* Then tells me we'll always be 24/7 in our hearts. Now, I don't mean to be rude but I literally LOL'd at that. I changed subjects right then and there because I knew I wasn't getting anywhere. Ugh!
I do get your reactions (and Vlad's) but on the other hand - what is left to say?

He told you what he wants and what he can offer and now it's up to you to decide if you can live with that. Anything he could say would be either schmalzy or harsh.
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Old 05-04-2013, 07:22 AM   #39
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Why not?
Lying in the face of the obvious is really stupid.
He didn't lie. That would have been the:"Give me some time to divorce her, honey." way. He just tried to get around the question with smooth-talking. Smooth-talking is a legal weapon in relationships.
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Old 05-04-2013, 12:52 PM   #40
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He didn't lie. That would have been the:"Give me some time to divorce her, honey." way. He just tried to get around the question with smooth-talking. Smooth-talking is a legal weapon in relationships.
I agree nothing wrong with a little soft shoe....


...but he said that insipid crap with a straight face?

I don't even know the dude and I'm yanking his man card on general principles.
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Old 05-04-2013, 07:34 PM   #41
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Old 05-04-2013, 08:08 PM   #42
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You're already reassessing, but I'll through in my two cents anyway.

Don't sell yourself short.
There are plenty of Doms out there, some attached, some not attached, that can and will give you everything you need. Hold out for your ONE.
I'd also advise not getting mixed up with a married Dom again unless he has the strength and security in his marriage to have; a)tried it with his wife, and failing that, b) has her permission and blessing for him to have a sub outside the marriage and is willing to make the necessary accomidations for your own needs and wants. That includes having his child or being part of a family dynamic

My opinion is informed by my own particular set of ideas, and may not apply to your situation. I think you deserve better. I think you know that you deserve better as well.

Being a submissive does not mean being a doormat.
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Old 05-04-2013, 10:27 PM   #43
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Being a submissive does not mean being a doormat.
Absofuckinlutely.
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Old 05-05-2013, 07:02 AM   #44
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How will you feel on Christmas Day or your or his birthday when you want to see him but can't because he is spending time with his family? When you have played and are sub dropping and can't contact him because he is busy with his wife.

How will you feel a year down the track and you have not met many (or any) of his friends, what about not been able to go out with him often in case someone who knows him or his wife sees you together and tells her?

Being made to feel like a dirty secret is incredibly draining and can be soul destroying.

At least he manned up and admitted to been married though I guess that is something instead of finding out from the wife or partner
I agree with this

The first paragraph is a real reality check.


Everything else is additional to how you will feel the other days of the year
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Old 05-05-2013, 11:10 AM   #45
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I've been in your situation before and I would end it. Because hes going in for "just fulfilling his needs" dont ever expect anything more. There wont be a fairytale ending of him leaving his wife after falling in love with you. You will eventually get deep feelings for him and trying to "fuck him till he loves you back" will never work, trust me.

If all youre looking for is that, go for it But it sounds like you have real feelings for him. Its sooo hard to stop and control those feelings, but what helped me was to like constantly tell myself I was in "2nd place." That certainly helped me keep my distance till I eventually ended it.
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Old 05-06-2013, 08:39 PM   #46
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Old 05-06-2013, 09:22 PM   #47
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You ended it -- well and good. I am silently applauding over here.

Now be good to yourself. Spoil yourself like crazy, keep looking for someone who can meet your needs for real, and be well.
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Old 05-06-2013, 09:27 PM   #48
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You ended it -- well and good. I am silently applauding over here.

Now be good to yourself. Spoil yourself like crazy, keep looking for someone who can meet your needs for real, and be well.
Thank you! I appreciate it. :-) One day at a time and another day closer to the one who can full fill my needs and wants and who I can full fill theirs.
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Old 05-07-2013, 06:24 AM   #49
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Yes, I have ended it. It's been rough. I keep telling myself I'll always be secondary and nothing, no matter how hard I try will ever make me primary. It helps, some but I still have the urge to want to go back. I know it isn't what I want so I will wait patiently til I find my one and only.
There's someone out there that can give you -everything- that you need, and be completely available to you. I'm really supremely happy that you're moving on! The next few days might be tough, but cry it out over some ice cream. We're rooting for you.
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Old 05-07-2013, 04:04 PM   #50
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Then again, I don't really get this "Better nothing than some" attitude. I guess being male does have advantages.
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