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Old 05-01-2013, 09:17 PM   #1
SynnR_SainT
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Question submissive to married Dominant

Hi all!

I have recently (yesterday) began a new D/s relationship. We made it official yesterday and I'm one happy lil pet. He is simply wonderful but is married. Yes, I've agreed to be with him knowing about his vanilla marriage. I'm sure it is possible to juggle both but His wife does not know. She has tried but couldn't therefore he looked specifically for a submissive. I feel honored to have been chosen but still it weighs on my mind that we'll never be able to live 24/7 together and whatif one day I feel I want to marry him or ghave his child? I can't do that, not with him being married. He's told me their marriage is fine; he just needs his full needs met. He's told me he wants me to eventually be able to fall in love with him. I know these are all things I should have taken into consideration. I have my good and bad days about it - like tonight. Oh, I would love to be able to lay with him and be at His feet.

What I'm trying to ask is....has anyone been in a situation similar to mine? If so, how did it go andhow were you able to remain confident about it all?

Thank you and please no rude comments. :-)
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Old 05-01-2013, 09:26 PM   #2
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I am not in your situation but there is a group on Fetlife called A Beloved Secret which is a no judgement support group for people in a similar relationship to yours.


Other than that I will sit back and hold my tongue.
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Old 05-01-2013, 09:39 PM   #3
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Please be careful. If all he wants you for is to fullfill his sexual needs that is really all he will want you for. If it is more than just sex you are looking for then just be aware before your heart gets broken. Just my thoughts.
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Old 05-01-2013, 09:42 PM   #4
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Thank you both so much. I will look into the group.
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Old 05-01-2013, 10:46 PM   #5
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Take a look at the Distant Domination thread on this board. I am not sure if that is what you are looking for but there is a whole lot of information.

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Old 05-01-2013, 11:40 PM   #6
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I think you may be setting yourself up for disappointment, it concerns me that the guy is married and his wife doesn't know...what happens if she finds out? You may find yourself in the middle of a nasty situation, and it could get ugly for you. I can understand the guy going outside the marriage for his needs, but the way he is doing it to me is troubling, because it could put you in the middle of ugliness.

Plus you seem to feel strongly about him, but it sounds like to him it is just getting his needs met. Having you fall in love with him sounds a bit piggish to me, it is 'of course you should love me, but I cannot return it', which seems pretty unfair to you. He is happy in his marriage, so he isn't looking for a primary and you aren't even really a secondary, since the wife doesn't know. I know of couples who have agreements about things like this, but it usually involves both people, if he is doing this without his wife knowing I really think you are setting yourself up for heartache.
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Old 05-02-2013, 12:24 AM   #7
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If it's your first day in this relationship and you're already asking what if you want to marry him or have his child, I think you need to give serious consideration to whether this relationship will work for you... meet your needs.

He isn't being honest with his wife about your relationship, but if he's saying his marriage is fine, he's making it clear to you that he has no intent to leave his wife...no intent to put you first. I'm not saying that he can't care deeply for you, even possibly love you, but that won't change that you're at most, second in priority. If you don't realize that or aren't fine with it, get out while you're ahead.

His wanting you to eventually fall in love with him is unfair to you, based on what he's prepared to offer. Suggests to me that he's not being realistic or looking after your best interest with that desire.

Since his wife doesn't know about you, is this relationship going to be online only? If not, how often will you see each other in person? Whatever the answer is, again does that meet your needs? Three years down the road can you still live with that or will you want more? It's one day in and you already want more than he can offer. Be brutally honest with yourself.

Are you prepared for the repercussions when his wife finds out? Because she will. When he either just drops off the face of the earth with no warning or if you're lucky, he tells you as nicely as possible that this isn't working and he can't see/talk to you any more. Or when you realize that you want more than he can give you and you tell him that it's not working for you?

I'm not saying that this type of relationship can't work. Or can't work for a time. It can. But you need to be honest with yourself about what you're getting into. Make sure it matches with your needs. Be able to keep your needs in line with what he's able to offer. And even if you have all those ducks in a row, know deep down in your gut that it will end one day. And you will most likely be heart broken.

Not passing judgement here. Just speaking from experience after a great long run.
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Old 05-02-2013, 01:34 AM   #8
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As that nagging apprehension in the back of your mind I'm sure tells you- this will all end it tears of course.

You asked for no rude comments and I'm saying the above as a forthright statement to frame my feelings on the subject. Its not intended to be rude nor demoralizing.

If you keep the above in mind, live in the moment and decide that you're going to take each day that what you wish for the day there's no reason that you can't find some level of fulfillment.

Even single people very much in love getting married and having hot kinky monkey sex can find it all ends in tears... does that mean that I wouldn't do it all over again? Absolutely not. because I would.

I will say though that not keeping your options open and going for exclusivity with someone who cannot reciprocate your monogamy is a poor bargain.
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Old 05-02-2013, 02:53 AM   #9
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SynnR,

This isn't right in all kinds of ways, and you are setting yourself up for emotional anguish. Not to mention the complete disregard for this man's wife. From your post I gather you've only been with this man for a short time. He's told you his marriage is fine, but that eventually he wants you to fall in love with him (though he will not be falling in love with you). He doesn't want a relationship with you or to have kids with you, and is most likely to never want those things. He just wants you to meet his needs, devote fully, only to never receive the same in return. I have not been in such a situation, but I bet its difficult to find anyone who has truly "remained confident" is such an arrangement. At the very least, they are unhappy.

I don't mean to be terribly rude, but I couldn't help sending back a nice reality check after reading your post. This is the kind of thing that sets women as a whole back a few centuries.
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Old 05-02-2013, 03:42 AM   #10
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How will you feel on Christmas Day or your or his birthday when you want to see him but can't because he is spending time with his family? When you have played and are sub dropping and can't contact him because he is busy with his wife.

How will you feel a year down the track and you have not met many (or any) of his friends, what about not been able to go out with him often in case someone who knows him or his wife sees you together and tells her?

Being made to feel like a dirty secret is incredibly draining and can be soul destroying.

At least he manned up and admitted to been married though I guess that is something instead of finding out from the wife or partner
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Old 05-02-2013, 04:07 AM   #11
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Being made to feel like a dirty secret is incredibly draining and can be soul destroying.
It is.

Nobody ever believes it, though. Hope springs eternal, even when it really should not.
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Old 05-02-2013, 04:26 AM   #12
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If his wife knew about you, things would be so different. Well it wouldn't change the fact that you can't marry him and you never be his primary, but there would be a certain freedom.

If this were a vanilla relationship would you be happy with a married man who says his marriage is fine?
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Old 05-02-2013, 08:48 AM   #13
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You're a human being and deserve to be treated with respect.

Every human being deserves that.

Are you treating his wife with respect by sleeping with her husband?

Take a look at the serious karmic debt you're putting yourself down for by willingly participating in harming an innocent woman and then ask yourself if this relationship is worth that debt.

If it isn't, then also look at the fact that there are single Doms out there that would give you everything you're looking for and it would NOT be incurring karmic debt or hurting anyone.
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Old 05-02-2013, 12:40 PM   #14
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...things have changed for me....
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Old 05-02-2013, 02:29 PM   #15
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Does him being married make you feel more submissive? Which is to say, does it turn you on that you're lower on his totem pole...so to speak...than his wife; the fact that you're (perhaps figuratively or truly) being used like a real slave to satisfy his carnal desires that his wife is in his, your, her or anyones' mind) "too good for"?

And I'm struck that a married man would want his "other woman" to fall for him. I mean, I guess that could certainly play into his dominance of you, maybe boost his ego, but love does strange things. Who can say what you might do if you fall in love with him? Even you can't predict that.
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Old 05-02-2013, 03:46 PM   #16
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...things have changed...
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Old 05-02-2013, 04:16 PM   #17
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Thing about "the lifestyle" is that there's really no such thing. There are thousands of "the Lifestyles" and each person makes what they can out of it-- the balance between fantasy and real life, paying the rent to the landlord and covering the costs of what the heart needs.

Of course he's said he wants you to fall in love with him. It's such a typical fantasy, right out of The Boy's Own Romance novel-- a second woman at his beck and call, responsive and undemanding...

But you need to make some demands, for your own sake. Have you asked him what he intends to give you in return for your love? A mistress-- in the old sense, not with a capital M-- would expect devotion for devotion. Mistresses get an apartment, they get to know when and how often they will see their owner.

If you are new to BDSM, you may feel as if you will be naturally subservient all of your life. But women, by and large, don't stay the same. Here on this forum, we have watched many women change -- angrily, sometimes, sometimes with glee -- as they discover that they cannot take orders any longer, and it's time for them to take the dominant role for themselves. It's something to keep in the back of your mind. And it's one more reason to resist falling in love with "your first master," which is what this guy is.
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Old 05-02-2013, 04:34 PM   #18
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Did you interview any single unattached men? I hope you did and your married man was the only one you would consider.
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Old 05-02-2013, 04:42 PM   #19
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Oh, he says he will love me back. Typical. He asked how easily I fell and of course I don't fall easily. Since we have known each other for awhile I have developed feelings for him but it's not love...yet.
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Old 05-02-2013, 04:44 PM   #20
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Ever since becoming His, the love and no other sexual partners has surfaced.
Hmmm...sounds to me like he's willing to risk your future happiness to stroke his own ego. This might not be a conscious thing. Maybe he secretly harbors fantasies about one day leaving his wife for his slave "when the time is right". But at the very least, dude is being selfish.

But hey...I don't know the guy.
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Old 05-02-2013, 05:03 PM   #21
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Did you interview any single unattached men? I hope you did and your married man was the only one you would consider.
I have had 3 other unattached Doms before him. He is the only one I've been able to make a great connection with. It may also be where we've known each other for so long he has learned how to manipulate? Ugh! I hate thinking that but my mind can't help but wonder..
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Old 05-02-2013, 05:58 PM   #22
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I have had 3 other unattached Doms before him. He is the only one I've been able to make a great connection with. It may also be where we've known each other for so long he has learned how to manipulate? Ugh! I hate thinking that but my mind can't help but wonder..
Yes. Please. Wonder.

That's the first step to a better path that doesn't end in tears for multiple women.
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Old 05-02-2013, 06:12 PM   #23
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Quote:
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I have had 3 other unattached Doms before him. He is the only one I've been able to make a great connection with. It may also be where we've known each other for so long he has learned how to manipulate? Ugh! I hate thinking that but my mind can't help but wonder..
Magic Eight Ball says "The probability is high"



Spend more time with anyone, you'll give them the chance to learn to manipulate you.

matter of fact, that might be worth doing!

You might want to read the essay in my sig, even though you aren't a newbie. I'd like your feedback
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Old 05-02-2013, 06:28 PM   #24
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I am not in your situation but there is a group on Fetlife called A Beloved Secret which is a no judgement support group for people in a similar relationship to yours.


Other than that I will sit back and hold my tongue.
I just wanted to say, what a nice response and good advice, and I love your av - it's beautiful. And you're sig quote made me giggle. So, overall, I found you to be wonderful. Nothing odd, I promise. I just think us ladies should tell each other sometimes.
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Old 05-02-2013, 06:38 PM   #25
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Think with your brain. Know what you're getting. Know what you're not. Write off babies, Christmas, birthdays, and be pleasantly surprised whenever you get what you'd like. Sometimes there's nothing wrong with that. Life is short, and for some people grasping is less important than enjoying what is.

Don't sit at home making him your every only thought. Don't doom yourself to a life of misery because that's what everyone says always happens either. Be in the moment, own the decision you make, and don't let anyone make you feel like a pariah either. They're not in your shoes. His wife is not your problem, but his. We're responsible for OUR lives and I've learned not to assume that the unwitting spouse is automatically the long suffering martyr or that they're not.

You don't know what you don't know and neither does anyone else.

Human relationships are pretty freaking complex and there is no playbook, much as everyone has tried to write them. Not many people are cut out for this kind of thing, so expect no understanding whatsoever if you are, and better get out your own cartography kit.
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