Old 04-07-2013, 02:21 AM   #1
P4T5H4RP
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new guy

Hello there, I thought I would join maybe as a bit of help and looking for advice, me and my finance are looking to spice things up.in our sex lives by delving into the sub dom roles,myself being the dom and her being sub, my only problem is I'm quite shy, in most aspects of life.the thought of the dom role turns me on as does the sub role for her with me being the dom, I think I may need some advice on how to ease myself into discovering my trigger for finding my inner dom,I know it's there I just don't know what I can do to bring him out, please no pedantic reply and any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 04-07-2013, 02:30 AM   #2
Stella_Omega
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It's hard not be pedantic with such a vague request!

One way to start is to read the essay link in my sig.

And then, I would say-- figure out what YOU want to have happen, and see what it is that she wants to have happen.

Rope her to the bed and force her to orgasm over and over?

Give her a spanking?

Shove her to her knees and fuck her face?

Not allow her to use the toilet until she's desperate? (and then you can finger her while she's uncomfortably full, make her orgasm before you let her cut loose-- this is best done in the bathtub)

Just remember- and I bet you already know this-- that emotional and physical safety are what separates this stuff from domestic abuse...
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An essay for BDSM Newbies; Top, bottom, dominant, submissive-- and the differences thereof Now rewritten with extra sparkle!
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Old 04-07-2013, 02:48 AM   #3
P4T5H4RP
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Your refer to my post in your article would suggest I would be a service dom, and while I do get off more on her getting off, I merely asked for advice on how I would go about starting my first steps to adopting the role of dom, and maybe where I would find the vices for learning the basic or beginners.... guide to bondage,I know the mentality for it is there in me I'm just not sure how I would go about articulating my thoughts and fantasies
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Old 04-07-2013, 03:08 AM   #4
Stella_Omega
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Quote:
Originally Posted by P4T5H4RP View Post
Your refer to my post in your article would suggest I would be a service dom, and while I do get off more on her getting off, I merely asked for advice on how I would go about starting my first steps to adopting the role of dom, and maybe where I would find the vices for learning the basic or beginners.... guide to bondage,I know the mentality for it is there in me I'm just not sure how I would go about articulating my thoughts and fantasies
Ah-- how to talk to her about what you want? You kind of have to man up.so to speak, and yeah that's not easy.

One way to start might be by looking for a kinks list. One that I kind of like is here;
http://www.soulshaven.f2s.com/checkl...erfriendly.php
Print out one for each of you, fill out and compare. No one gets to speak until both people have written and read-- and nobody is allowed to say "EEW" out loud while they read.

Many people learn to become master by being submissive. I don't think that's always necessary, but, service topping is one good way of starting; As you and she explore together, you learn what, exactly, you want from her. And you learn how to get it from her.

There are other books more spcifically oriented towards dominant mindset. One is The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren
And probably other folks will have better sugestions than me on that one...
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Stella's stories on lit

An essay for BDSM Newbies; Top, bottom, dominant, submissive-- and the differences thereof Now rewritten with extra sparkle!
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Old 04-07-2013, 03:42 AM   #5
P4T5H4RP
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I know what you mean by man up, and that kink list looks like a great starting point! I know something like this will take time to not only learn but also build the.... courage so to speak to let loose the dom in me, I think maybe I need to try and not separate but slightly detach the full emotional devotion of our relationship to make a little room for a much more physical counterpart to add to it
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Old 04-07-2013, 10:30 AM   #6
LallyH
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Do follow Stella's suggestions - my DH has been along the same journey as you and her advice has been invaluable.

Obviously what suits one couple will not necessarily suit another, but can I suggest that you don't feel the need to try to 'become a Dom' overnight? You and your partner can have a lot of fun developing your natural inclinations together, start slowly (may feel too slowly!), and build up from there. Dont try and do everything at once - you are not on a clock. Also, expect to make mistakes - no-one is perfect at anything in life immediately. Talk to each other, search advice online, talk to each other, ask specific questions on here as a thread or pm someone who appears to have the advice you seek, and talk to each other some more.

If you would like more specific suggestions about actual activities to try, or toys to use, pm me and I will tell you how we developed our play - it may not be a fit for you, but it may give you ideas to search elsewhere.

Have fun and all the best.
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Old 04-07-2013, 04:19 PM   #7
Netzach
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Quote:
Originally Posted by P4T5H4RP View Post
I know what you mean by man up, and that kink list looks like a great starting point! I know something like this will take time to not only learn but also build the.... courage so to speak to let loose the dom in me, I think maybe I need to try and not separate but slightly detach the full emotional devotion of our relationship to make a little room for a much more physical counterpart to add to it
I can relate to this. I'm about to be pretty pedantic, but I've been through this.

Not everyone who gets turned on by Domination in a sexual way is filled to the brim with total self confidence and ready to go. So first of all, don't let anyone else tell you what you like in your most intimate thoughts based on how you act at work or how you look or anything like that.

But you do have to ask yourself if you like it. Be honest about the thoughts you have when you're jacking off. Try to fantasize about her specifically and just kind of notice what the two of you wind up doing and how you wind up feeling in your own mind.

The most valuable thing I ever found was a tip given to me from a very unlikely guy - but it works! Before you play around, look in the bathroom mirror for a minute and think about every decision you ever made that worked out to be RIGHT.

That helps put you in the right mindset, if you're on the less confident side.

I'd wait on the whole question of bondage unless bondage is really really hot and important to you, and I'd just try out doing what you usually do in bed but with more overt requests and directions. You could also make her talk. "I'll do this to you, but only when you tell me how it feels when...." etc. That's a good way to get more information about your partner and if she's submissive she'll blurt out honest responses if she's really really turned on. (Don't act on those answers too fast, sometimes they're more extreme than she actually might want to DO but you know her better from those answers.)

You don't have to disengage from her and be "mean" to be in control either - that might be part of her fantasy based on stuff she's read, but if you're going to wind up playing like that it's better to let it develop over time. Right now, your job is just to get in touch with being the person with expectation and the person in control of what happens.

Before you even communicate with her you have to communicate with that part of you and find out what it wants and what it needs.
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Last edited by Netzach : 04-07-2013 at 04:29 PM.
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Old 04-08-2013, 10:41 AM   #8
P4T5H4RP
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Thanks for the suggestions and input, we are starting slow and building my confidence first, mostly by just talking on the subject, and understanding better what we both want out of it will help allot, great advice about asking myself first though, questioning what I really want ,thanks :-)
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Old 04-08-2013, 12:19 PM   #9
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One important thing to bear in mind is that you're not the only one who is growing and changing here. Grow together with her and you'll still be surprising yourselves thirty years from now.
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