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Old 03-30-2013, 07:57 PM   #26
LallyH
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir_Winston54 View Post
It might be, Lally, that the OP has (1) a life outside of Lit, (2) family from whom she'd like to conceal the fact that she's reading and posting on a porn board, and/or (3) limited time in which to access Lit, perhaps partly due to (1) and/or (2).
Hasn't she replied a couple of posts ago, though?
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Old 03-30-2013, 08:11 PM   #27
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Hasn't she replied a couple of posts ago, though?
Yeah... I replied to your post before reading all the way down to her response. Mea culpa.
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Old 03-30-2013, 10:49 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by midwestyankee View Post
I had the same experience with very bright students. I'm still skeptical. The whole post is otherwise too neatly drawn for my sense of authenticity.
I agree. Something is very off with OP. Why mention being 18 and in high school? Seems a little 'troll-y' to me.
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Old 03-30-2013, 11:36 PM   #29
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Hi Susan. I am a masochist and a sub, and also quite young. I was always aware of my masochism to some degree, but discovered more of my submissive self in high school just like you and felt very ashamed of myself and of my desires for a long time. It wasn't until I met some like-minded friends (or friends who are very sexually open regardless of BDSM) that I began to get rid of some of this shame. I have to say that you've stumbled upon a great forum. You'll see from the regulars on this site that BDSMers are normal people with their own private lives, like everyone else.

I know it's probably very difficult for you at the moment, and that it seems like you won't be able to find someone who can accept you as you are. But let me reassure you that this is absolutely NOT the case. Maybe my advise will differ from some of the others here, and perhaps you'd be wiser to listen to the more experiences listers. But I'm going to go ahead and say that you should actually NOT go out of your way to seek BDSM in the real world. It's wonderful that you are educating yourself, and that you have self-awareness so early on (both things true in my own case as well). However, many people (particularly young ones who are terrified of themselves) will keep BDSM like tendencies under wraps, or will only discuss it with one or two of their closest friends. So this makes it incredibly difficult to find someone your age from the get-go who you trust enough and who you think will meet your needs. I was lucky to find friends who are very in tune with their sexualities, and who will openly discuss sex together (and maybe you will find these people too), but this is not the same as going out and trying to find someone with whom you can establish a D/s relationship or with whom you can experiment.

So to cut to the chase here, it's important to be self-aware, to be open with your sexual partners, and to accept yourself. But even more important than all of those things put together is to find someone you can put your trust in. And in my opinion, in order to do this at such a young age, your best bet is to simply proceed through the whole dating scene like a normal teen and NOT fully seek out BDSM. Do not eliminate someone who you might have romantic interest in because you think they'll find you too freaky, or that they can't give you what you want sexually. You can establish a real and loving relationship with someone, all the while being honest about your sexual preferences. And you never know, this person might surprise you with their own desires.

On a final note, I am not saying that you should never actively seek out BDSM in the real world. But I am saying that as another very young BDSMer with some experience, it is more important to get to know yourself and to have some reference with regards to romantic relationships before getting fully sucked into the BDSM world. In my opinion, at your age, it's better to have a disappointing sexual life which has the potential to improve depending on who you run into, than it is to have a disappointing encounter with a dom who is much more experienced that you are, is abusive, or otherwise an imposter.

If you have any questions please feel free to message me. I am more than happy to discuss this with you at length, speaking from my own personal experience. Good luck, don't feel ashamed, and consider this discovery an opportunity for you to grow as a person.
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Old 03-31-2013, 02:45 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by Sir_Winston54 View Post
Angeleyes, I'm 99.9999% cetain that CM's response was not "aimed" at yours, merely a rushed response that happened to follow yours before she charges off to work this morning, and a warning to the OP that someone who offers to "teach" or "train" the OP might have only their own selfish interests in mind, and not hers.
Ok yeah I can see that now. I do apologize.
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Old 03-31-2013, 04:56 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by midwestyankee View Post
The word 'scared" is the past tense of the transitive verb "scare." It requires an object. In the OP, "afraid" would have been an appropriate word choice.

Used correctly: Sheldon scared Leonard when he popped up from beneath the couch cushions by surprise.
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Old 03-31-2013, 01:05 PM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by midwestyankee View Post
The word 'scared" is the past tense of the transitive verb "scare." It requires an object. In the OP, "afraid" would have been an appropriate word choice.

Used correctly: Sheldon scared Leonard when he popped up from beneath the couch cushions by surprise.
I beg to differ: in her "Also, a part of me is scared", "a part of me" IS the object.

E.g. "I wrote a letter." "A letter is written." In both cases "a letter" is the object of the verb "wrote/written". She just used it in a passive sense that is nonetheless syntactically and grammatically correct. It's just the same as "I'm scared."

Granted, the passive form of "I wrote a letter" should be "A letter is written by me.", but the performer of the action part ("by me") can be omitted when it's understood. So similarly her original sentence

"Also, a part of me is scared after some of the stories that I have read on this site that seem to be quite disturbing and extreme."

can be read as

"Also, a part of me is scared by what I have read after some of the stories that I have read on this site that seem to be quite disturbing and extreme."

Now what I do find problematic is the second "that" (highlighted in blue)... the sentence would sound better to my ears without it. Or even better, "Also, a part of me is scared after reading some of the stories on this site that seem to be quite disturbing and extreme ."



Finally, the only case I can think of where one should use "afraid" instead of "scared" is when it's followed by a dependent clause:

I am afraid that the worst is yet to come. = GOOD

I am scared that the worst is yet to come. = BAD

Last edited by welkin : 03-31-2013 at 01:18 PM.
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Old 03-31-2013, 08:08 PM   #33
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Thanks for the grammar lesson. I'm sorry I didn't meet your standards.

For everyone who actually answered my post, thanks! I think I will wait to explore bdsm after I have more experience with relationships in general. I still have a lot of quesrions . I'm starting to think it was a stupid idea.

I hope I typed that right. Probably didn't.

Susan
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Old 03-31-2013, 08:33 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by Susanlk16 View Post
Thanks for the grammar lesson. I'm sorry I didn't meet your standards.

For everyone who actually answered my post, thanks! I think I will wait to explore bdsm after I have more experience with relationships in general. I still have a lot of questions . I'm starting to think it was a stupid idea.

I hope I typed that right. Probably didn't.

Susan
It wasn't a stupid idea, and don't take the grammar-hijack personally. BDSM Talk/Cafe is full of grammatical nerds and former English teachers.

(Questions can never be answered, if they are never asked...)
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Old 04-01-2013, 12:10 AM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Susanlk16 View Post
Thanks for the grammar lesson. I'm sorry I didn't meet your standards.

For everyone who actually answered my post, thanks! I think I will wait to explore bdsm after I have more experience with relationships in general. I still have a lot of quesrions . I'm starting to think it was a stupid idea.

I hope I typed that right. Probably didn't.

Susan
Quote:
Originally Posted by CutieMouse View Post
It wasn't a stupid idea, and don't take the grammar-hijack personally. BDSM Talk/Cafe is full of grammatical nerds and former English teachers.

(Questions can never be answered, if they are never asked...)
Susan, I'm probably - no, definitely - one of the absolute *worst* here about picking on people for bad grammar, sentence construction and coherence in posts. Strangely, even as one of the former English teachers CM mentioned, I found nothing to pick on in your original post nor your succeeding posts.

As for waiting to explore BDSM until you "have more experience with relationships in general," it might be a good idea to delay exploring it *in depth and physically* until you've gained some more relationship experience, but since (IMNSHO) you've already determined that you do have an enduring interest in it, you can still do "academic research" on the subject while you garner some real-life experience in vanilla relationships. Strange how it works: The things that make vanilla relationships workable - among them, communication, self-respect, communication, respect for one's partner, communication, respect for the relationship itself - are the very things that make most BDSM relationships that work do so, so in that respect, you can, if you wish, learn about both sides of the equation at once.

And as CM said, don't take the hijack personally. (Yes, I started a sentence with a conjunction! I may get drummed out of the Lit BDSM Grammar Nazis! ) Please feel welcome, and more than welcome, to wander through the Library, ask questions, and seek answers to how you want your life to unfold.

ETA: For a less fantasy-oriented idea (than those presented in the BDSM Stories section of Lit) of how Dominance/submission can work in real life, I would suggest you might want to peruse back posts from CutieMouse concerning her relationships. Her viewpoint makes "Grey" and most of those stories look like barely-post-pubescent maunderings of people who have never actually experienced BDSM nor researched it in any depth, because she balances her life with wisdom and practicality. She's a very very wise lady, and I *always* listen to what she has to say.
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Old 04-01-2013, 01:13 AM   #36
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I didn't wait to explore BDSM-- but then, I wasn't looking for the complications of a D/s relationship, just the kinky sex.
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Old 04-01-2013, 04:29 AM   #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Susanlk16 View Post
Thanks for the grammar lesson. I'm sorry I didn't meet your standards.

For everyone who actually answered my post, thanks! I think I will wait to explore bdsm after I have more experience with relationships in general. I still have a lot of quesrions . I'm starting to think it was a stupid idea.

I hope I typed that right. Probably didn't.

Susan
Don't take it personally, threads get derailed by grammar / spelling etc all the time here.

Stick around, honest, they're a friendly bunch once everyone figures out you're not another spring break college troll.
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Old 04-01-2013, 02:39 PM   #38
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I beg to differ: in her "Also, a part of me is scared", "a part of me" IS the object.

<snip>
Finally, the only case I can think of where one should use "afraid" instead of "scared" is when it's followed by a dependent clause:

I am afraid that the worst is yet to come. = GOOD

I am scared that the worst is yet to come. = BAD
Your analysis is flawed but I won't be hijacking the thread any further.
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Old 04-02-2013, 07:37 AM   #39
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since (IMNSHO) you've already determined that you do have an enduring interest in it, you can still do "academic research" on the subject while you garner some real-life experience in vanilla relationships. Strange how it works: The things that make vanilla relationships workable - among them, communication, self-respect, communication, respect for one's partner, communication, respect for the relationship itself - are the very things that make most BDSM relationships that work do so, so in that respect, you can, if you wish, learn about both sides of the equation at once.
This, and also: if your inclination towards BDSM is strong enough, you might find it starts creeping into those relationships whether you intend it or not. I don't think I've ever gone into a relationship looking specifically for BDSM, but somehow one thing leads to another, and before you know it you're holding their wrists and... ahem. Where were we?

So, yeah. If that happens to you, it's worth knowing enough that you can tell the difference between a consensual BDSM and an abusive relationship.
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Old 04-03-2013, 12:07 AM   #40
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Susan,

If you are for real (so many that show up during school breaks are not) and really curious you will explore in real life and real time. I wish I had at the age you posted.

Eventually you will figure out your answers for yourself. Hopefully you will eventually become more comfortable with your inclinations and accepting of yourself. In any case, you should be safety wise while exploring.

Reading stories is not a great introduction to BDSM or anything else because they are fiction. Some people do find that certain stories ping for them and allow them to recognize their own desires no matter how much B.S. is in the fiction itself. Others find stories good wank fodder.

For the record most BDSM books and stories are absolute crap. I run two BDSM Book of the Month Clubs, one here and one on Fetlife. I greatly disliked Culture Shock on literotica btw. Each to their own. I've written some stories and with one exception they are pure fantasy often non consent fantasy. I think I can speak with some authority on books and stories.

Good luck in your journey in life.

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Quote:
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Hello, my name is Susan. I am 18 years old and a senior in high school. I have just recently discovered the world of bdsm and have known about my submissive desires for a long time. I am very frightened and confused by everything about me and that fact that I am interested in this. I can't really talk to my parents about it and I'm afraid that my friends at school would be mortified. I also have not had any other relationships and don't have any "normal" experiences to even compare to. It all seems so new and scary yet I feel myself drawn to it. I was just wondering how anyone would suggest that you get started and actually meet others that have these interests. Also, a part of me is scared after some of the stories that I have read on this site that seem to be quite disturbing and extreme. I'd love to have more understanding of this and whether it's real and actually done. Is it safe and legal always? I have read Fifty Shades of Grey and that seems to confuse me even more. In the book, the only reason he is interested in bdsm is because he had a traumatic childhood. They make it out to seem like there is something wrong with you if you are like that and I'm wondering if that's true. Just looking for some insight. Also, could you please tell me if you are a dominant or submissive? Just want to know what perspective I'm getting! Thanks for any and all help! I could really use it and it would mean a great deal to me.
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Old 04-03-2013, 05:11 PM   #41
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Just wanted to say thanks to many of the posters in this thread

I'm not exactly the same situation but similar and have a lot to think about after reading this and other threads on Lit xx
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Old 04-03-2013, 11:48 PM   #42
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Just wanted to say thanks to many of the posters in this thread

I'm not exactly the same situation but similar and have a lot to think about after reading this and other threads on Lit xx
I'm glad you're willing to think. It's a thinking kind of lifestyle.
BDSM is a lot more complicate than regular sex is, and D/s relationships don't get the same sort of general support in society.

You don't offer your wrists to be tied up without being sure that the person on the other end of the rope 1) knows how not to pop your hand out of joint, and 2) is trustworthy and not a killer or something.

So yeah, giving up your power means, paradoxically, that you have to own your power first.
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Old 04-06-2013, 05:58 AM   #43
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I don't have time for a proper reply at the moment, but I would sincerely suggest ignoring any private or public offers to "train" or "teach" you.

An 18 year old girl, confused but interested in kink/BDSM, tends to bring out the online wolves (horny net geeks; HNG for short) - HNG's rarely have anyone else's best interest at heart.
I can attest this is so...

I feel a howl in danger of emanating from somewhere deep within me.
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Old 04-10-2013, 10:28 AM   #44
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Welcome and I wish you luck in exploring this side of yourself.

The advice that comes before this is, I think, excelent I only have a small observation to add of my own. After you've taken some time to read up and research you might consider role playing in a chat room with someone to explore it safely. It lets you see how the acts make you feel without the risks of meeting a person in real life (handcuffed to a bed is the wrong time to realize confinement freaks you out). Now I don't mean one of these people who, I'm sure, have already contacted you with offers. Find someone in a chat (there are several open free to the public) and keep it confined to that. Don't give them photos or any personal information (safety should always come first) just explore and see what you think. If it goes well you might consider opening an anonymous email (yahoo or something) without your real name to continue talking to them but be safe about it.
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