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Old 03-30-2013, 09:42 AM   #1
angeleyes612
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Helpful advice from a dom's pov?

In my relationship I am the submissive one and I love it. My husband and I have been together for about 3 years and up until recently our sex life was amazing. I just had our beautiful daughter 10 months ago and as many of you know having a new baby around makes it hard to sneak in the adult time. Usually just quickies that are not as enjoyable as our norm. We have many opprotunities now that the baby is old enough to sleep through the night but when I try to initiate he tends to ignore me because he is playing games or fucking around on the internet. Now to the point of the title. He is, like I said, the dominate one and usually is the initiator. Flat out I need to have that same interaction we used to have. I have never taken control over him before and I don't know how he would react if I did. Having a dom's point of view in this situation may be helpful.
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Old 03-30-2013, 10:37 AM   #2
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As a switch I can't speak from the POV of a Dom, so take this with a grain of salt. But I have experienced the "post baby blues" and everything else you have said sounds familiar. I recommend communication. You guys have already gone through some drastic changes and still have more changes ahead. Try to beach the subject in a purely non-sexual manner. Bring up that you have noticed changes in your sexual behaviors and that you understand some of the reasons, but would like to know if it its possible to go back.

Remember to look at things from his point of view. Before the baby he was probably the sole recipient of your attentions. Now it is literally impossible to give him the same level of attention. Also take into consideration that his likes/interests/kinks may have changed. I know for me that becoming a father was a life changing experience. That is just as true in my sex life as any other aspect.

Finally realize that if things do go back to normal it will take time. You mentioned it took ten months to get to where you are now, and it may be just as long or longer to get back to where you were.

Good luck and remember that while a child is a challenge to any relationship it is, like all other challenges, an excellent opportunity to learn and grow. Use this learning experience to grow closer together.
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Old 03-30-2013, 10:55 AM   #3
angeleyes612
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Bjhass, thank you for the advice. Everything you said makes perfect sense and is a much better way of looking at it then what I had in my head.
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Old 03-30-2013, 10:55 AM   #4
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IMO this isn't a dom/sub thing; it's a new parent thing.

You had a routine pre-baby; you developed a routine immediately post-baby; now you need to develop a routine to get through impending toddlerhood. Which means talking about wanting/needing elements of what you had (sexually) pre-baby & working together to re-establish intimacy.
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Old 03-30-2013, 11:02 AM   #5
angeleyes612
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Originally Posted by CutieMouse View Post
IMO this isn't a dom/sub thing; it's a new parent thing.

You had a routine pre-baby; you developed a routine immediately post-baby; now you need to develop a routine to get through impending toddlerhood. Which means talking about wanting/needing elements of what you had (sexually) pre-baby & working together to re-establish intimacy.
I do realize now re-reading my post how I could have gone about this topic differently. I posted this shortly after being left unfulfilled for the night and wanted nothing more than for him to just take me like he used to. Thank you for the helpful advice.
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Old 03-30-2013, 11:37 AM   #6
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Relationships change over time and the ones that last a long time are made to change by the owners. It's not easy to make your relationship adapt to change because it takes some personal risk. You have to be willing to admit to your partner that you're not as happy in her company as you probably think you ought to be - and as happy as you might think she believes you should be. I strongly recommend a book called The Passionate Marriage. Applying lessons from this book saved my marriage from almost certain divorce a few years ago. Read it together and talk together about learning its lessons together.
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Old 03-30-2013, 01:15 PM   #7
LallyH
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Quote:
Originally Posted by angeleyes612 View Post
We have many opprotunities now that the baby is old enough to sleep through the night but when I try to initiate he tends to ignore me because he is playing games or fucking around on the internet.
Having come out the other side of your situation, I showed your post to DH because we had the same story - him going on the computer etc. He said that he puts his behaviour partly down to wanting to have a little escape time from the responsibilities of being a new parent, hence the computer and gaming, and feeling guilty about having fun in bed instead of being on 24 hour dad patrol, listening out for baby waking up. It's a very stressful time for both of you, and adjusting can be hard. I won't suggest how you try to fix it - just reassure you that it does get better with time.
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Old 03-30-2013, 02:20 PM   #8
laurasunshinegal
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im submissive and a mom and i guess all i can really do is repeat what lallyh said: for better or worse, this does seem to be how things go after a child comes into your home. when my daughter was born... hey, let's face it, you NEED a little downtime down there! that plus the new, 24 hour baby schedule plus (most importantly) the brand new point of view that a little one brings does change things. is that change permanent? it does NOT need to be!

it sounds like you are giving your man a few nudges to let him know you are ready. he'll respond in time, im sure!
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Old 04-02-2013, 01:27 AM   #9
angeleyes612
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LallyH View Post
Having come out the other side of your situation, I showed your post to DH because we had the same story - him going on the computer etc. He said that he puts his behaviour partly down to wanting to have a little escape time from the responsibilities of being a new parent, hence the computer and gaming, and feeling guilty about having fun in bed instead of being on 24 hour dad patrol, listening out for baby waking up. It's a very stressful time for both of you, and adjusting can be hard. I won't suggest how you try to fix it - just reassure you that it does get better with time.
Thank you, that makes alot of sense. On a side note though, last night I expressed to him how I felt and he told me that he has been reluctant not only due to not having much time anymore, but also because since I had a csection he has been afraid to hurt me. After assuring him that wasn't something to worry about we had the best night since I got pregnant...twice.
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Old 04-02-2013, 06:09 AM   #10
LallyH
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Quote:
Originally Posted by angeleyes612 View Post
Thank you, that makes alot of sense. On a side note though, last night I expressed to him how I felt and he told me that he has been reluctant not only due to not having much time anymore, but also because since I had a csection he has been afraid to hurt me. After assuring him that wasn't something to worry about we had the best night since I got pregnant...twice.
Yippee!! That's wonderful news
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Old 04-02-2013, 06:13 AM   #11
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Thank you Hopefully we can continue on this path, but I know just finding the right time will be hard. I'm looking into getting a babysitter for my next days off and maybe have one of our old all-out sessions.
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Old 04-02-2013, 06:33 AM   #12
LallyH
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Originally Posted by angeleyes612 View Post
Thank you Hopefully we can continue on this path, but I know just finding the right time will be hard. I'm looking into getting a babysitter for my next days off and maybe have one of our old all-out sessions.
That's a good idea - our kids are teenagers now so we can never be sure if they're asleep, so noise level is a problem! So we occasionally take a day off so we can have total privacy whilst the kids are at school. It is important for you both to have time that's just for you. It will keep your relationship strong which is great for baby, and a little stress relieving fun is vital if you want to hang on to your sanity!
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Old 04-02-2013, 06:41 AM   #13
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Yeah I am not a quiet person at all, so that tends to make her more reluctant as well. He doesn't want my kids to hear, and neither do I. My older kids are only with me on the weekends for right now, but they will be moving back in very soon which will make it a little harder as well.
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Old 04-12-2013, 01:08 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CutieMouse View Post
IMO this isn't a dom/sub thing; it's a new parent thing.

You had a routine pre-baby; you developed a routine immediately post-baby; now you need to develop a routine to get through impending toddlerhood. Which means talking about wanting/needing elements of what you had (sexually) pre-baby & working together to re-establish intimacy.
A friend of mine that did not have the hots for me when she was single now that she's got a baby with her new boyfriend and he's not putting out was developing some wonderlust.

Although I'm a little annoyed that I listen to my better angels and did not lead with my c*** I explained to her that I had gone through similar things with the mother of my children..

On the one hand I had to have a bit of a whore madonna complex. I probably married her because she appealed to both sides of me she was already a single mother when I met her so I was cool with treating a mother as a little w****...( In this context I sincerely mean this in the best possible way as this is the mother of my children were talking about... When I call her a w**** post divorce that's an entirely different matter...but i digress.)

Something odd happens with a woman bearing a child that you sired. Her little boy I considered my own and still do despite the fact or a bit this strange these days...but something primal happen in that delivery room... I know that some people say that just the whole shock of birth and its attendant messiness 10 to be off-putting I didn't find that necessarily to be the case I can come from a medical background family I'm not particularly squeamish.

What I'm talking about is some deep seated hardwired need to protect the mother of your children.

So suddenly rough sex even know it seems okay logically just feels wrong... and we'd been pretty enthusiastic in that regard even during pregnancy right up to the load I shot in to her to try to induce labor.

Anyway ...a simple morning blowjob to completeion no reciprication on his part, no pressure unfortunately brought him around.
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