my Melanie stories

[lks2bite]

I have been writing a series of what I call "Melanie" stories entitled "My dream of Melanie". What I would really like, and what I really need, is for someone to read them and give me their input on them. I am currently in the process of writing part four and would really like some input from others before I write any more parts. I am thinking that the "Melanie" series will have at least two more chapters but, like I said, I am just not sure anymore.

Thanks for anyone who helps. I appreciate it. the link is below to the first part.


http://www.literotica.com/s/my-dream-of-melanie-ch-01

[kbate]

Delete the first paragraph in its entirety.
Delete the physical description of Melanie.

Begin with your protagonist lying on the table, or in the chair or sitting nervously in the waiting room. The backstory about liking men and sex and the accident and surgery and so on can and should be sprinkled through the remainder of the chapter about their meeting encounter.

Injuries heal well, not good.
The table where I sat, not where I was at.

In truth - what you have posted could be trimmed down into two paragraphs or perhaps even one and it definitely does not stand as a chapter of a story I wish to continue reading.

This submission is more of thoughts which filled out could become a story, but as it stands it is not a story.

[PennLady]

I have to agree with kbate. There's not much of a story here. All you have is "Oh, I love sex and then I found I liked sex with women when a strange woman touched me." Fantasy yes; believable, not so much. I'm not talking realistic, mind you, just believable.

The last line, asking readers where to go, would prevent me from following just about any story. It's your story -- if you don't know where it's going, why should I tell you? This is the kind of thing you should hash out with an editor or beta reader (if you do feel blocked) before you post at all.

[lovecraft68]

The previous posters said some of the things I was going to so I will only stress one thing.

Pennlady is dead on about the last line.

Never ask the reader where to go for 2 reasons.

One, this is your story, you write whatever you want. It goes where you take it, or in my case many times I go where the story takes me.

Second, it makes you look like you don;t have a clue and you're looking for help.

I know you're just looking to get the reader involved in the tale, but it doesn't quite work out like that.

[lks2bite]

http://www.literotica.com/s/my-dream-of-melanie-ch-01



http://www.literotica.com/s/my-dream-of-melanie-ch-02



http://www.literotica.com/s/my-dream-of-melanie-ch-03

[lovecraft68]

No one is dissing you, we're simply pointing some things out. That's what this forum is for.

In general I thought the first chapter was decent, but what was said by the others can make it better and I will stick to my point not to ask the advice or guidance of the reader.

You can take it for what its worth.

[PennLady]

I looked over the next two chapters -- they are better. I think the sentence structure, etc., was all improved. The sex scene was good.

Had I not been reading them "on purpose," I would have bailed on Ch 2 for two reasons. First, the line at the top about Ch 1 being true vs. Ch 2 being a dream. Personally, I don't care if it's real or not; this is a story, so the author just saying it's true doesn't make me think it really is. Also, I think you could have just worked it into the story as the first paragraph of this section -- "After meeting Melanie, I had dreams about her. This one was my favorite..."

Second, the line about the DDD breasts. Again, might be true, but makes me roll my eyes. Describe it as ample, large, whatever, but the actual cup size doesn't add anything. And since it's the narrator that has the large breasts, who cares? This is all about what she's doing to Melanie. Aside from that description, the narrator's breasts never really factor in again (as far as I could tell).

[lovecraft68]

Originally Posted by PennLady

I looked over the next two chapters -- they are better. I think the sentence structure, etc., was all improved. The sex scene was good.

Had I not been reading them "on purpose," I would have bailed on Ch 2 for two reasons. First, the line at the top about Ch 1 being true vs. Ch 2 being a dream. Personally, I don't care if it's real or not; this is a story, so the author just saying it's true doesn't make me think it really is. Also, I think you could have just worked it into the story as the first paragraph of this section -- "After meeting Melanie, I had dreams about her. This one was my favorite..."

Second, the line about the DDD breasts. Again, might be true, but makes me roll my eyes. Describe it as ample, large, whatever, but the actual cup size doesn't add anything. And since it's the narrator that has the large breasts, who cares? This is all about what she's doing to Melanie. Aside from that description, the narrator's breasts never really factor in again (as far as I could tell).

Ample is my pick on chest size. It lets the reader make up their own mind based on what they would consider "ample"

On the male end I use "sizable". That can vary on the woman (or the man) as to what exactly sizable would be, but avoids any actual stats.

[kbate]

I don't see much better in chapter 2 or chapter 3, other than that you at least attempted to make them into a story. All three parts, put together, with a heavy edit might be the start of a decent story.

Some of the problems that you run into when you don't know the story:

In part 1, women never had turned her on before, NEVER was capitalised for emphasis to make the lesbian feelings for Melanie seem more foreign and therefore hot.

In part 2, she has had previous lesbian sex with Ashley. (dream sex only apparently)

In part 3, apparently she dreams up a bastard of an ex-husband for Melanie (or is she incorporating previously discussed but undisclosed to reader information?


Some of your detail seems unnecessary and irrelevant (or simply silly):

Eraser sized nipples. What does this mean? What kind of eraser? Big enough for grapefruit sized boobs or like a #2 pencil eraser (rather small in my experience).

Khaki with yellow button down collar but red lace bra and panties? No colour coordination in a dream?

Brown leather couch? Why did I need to know that? Ah yes, because later despite being warmed by body heat, the leather has inner coolness to harden nipples. Quite detailed this dream.

[sr71plt]

Originally Posted by lks2bite

http://www.literotica.com/s/my-dream-of-melanie-ch-01



http://www.literotica.com/s/my-dream-of-melanie-ch-02



http://www.literotica.com/s/my-dream-of-melanie-ch-03

Sorry, but you can't expect readers to continue reading if they aren't hooked at the beginning. And if you don't want honest critique, don't ask for feedback on this forum.

[i_would]

Originally Posted by lovecraft68

On the male end I use "sizable". That can vary on the woman (or the man) as to what exactly sizable would be, but avoids any actual stats.

Stats don't mean much anyway.

A few years ago I talked to a friend, who mentioned that while pregnant and later breast feeding she gained a few cup sizes (normal), but after that when her breasts went back to normal she lost a cup size, from B to A size. Well, I couldn't tell the difference from looking at her. She said the actual size of her breasts was pretty much the same, but her ribcage had become a bit bigger and somehow the cup volume of a 36B is about the same as a 38A.

And that's before adding stuff like a wonderbra in the mix.

[sr71plt]

Originally Posted by i_would

Stats don't mean much anyway.

A few years ago I talked to a friend, who mentioned that while pregnant and later breast feeding she gained a few cup sizes (normal), but after that when her breasts went back to normal she lost a cup size, from B to A size. Well, I couldn't tell the difference from looking at her. She said the actual size of her breasts was pretty much the same, but her ribcage had become a bit bigger and somehow the cup volume of a 36B is about the same as a 38A.

And that's before adding stuff like a wonderbra in the mix.

I think you miss what erotica is all about. It's about creating arousal in the mind of the reader. Establishing images for most readers is important. No, clear, sharp (and sometimes a bit exaggerated) measurement images aren't necessary for all readers. But they aren't something you can say that no reader does want to latch into to trigger arousal either.

Whether you use measurements or not depends a lot on your targeted audience, and whether your characters use measurements or not depends a lot on what type of character you are trying to exhibit.