Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

I got fired last night. I refused to serve some girl who'd clearly had too many.
The fat cow complained to the McManager.

[DG Hear]

Originally Posted by Handley_Page

A; Oh dear; I need new batteries for my camera.
B: What does it take?
A: Pictures.

Good one HP. Made me laugh.

[Emily124]

[Handley_Page]

Two ladies talking:

A: So - how was your date last night, then?
B: Excellent; especially when we got home, if you know what I mean.
A: You know what I like about sex with my husband? The month of peace between sessions.

[DG Hear]

I Thought You Were My Wife

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[Handley_Page]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
(Apparently this has happened to several people?!)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary
(whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

[Handley_Page]

Thoughts to Ponder:

Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?

Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?

Does peanut butter really have butter in it?

Do mimes watch silent movies?

Is the fear of flying groundless?

What would you use to dilute water?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

[DG Hear]

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.


Why is sex like pizza?
When its good, its pretty good. and when its bad, well, its
still pretty good.


A man walks into a store and asks the girl behind the register,
Do you keep stationery?
Right up till the last minute, then my
toes curl up and i turn into an animal!

[WyldIce]

[phantom4533]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife 's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed > that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one. > > Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient. > > Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA ..

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' > > Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4.. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it! ' I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. > > Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive. ' > > Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' > > Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass. ' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.' > > Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY!!!....

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' > > Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

[DG Hear]

A friend told the blonde, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked, "What if one grenade explodes before we get there?"
The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."

------------------------------------

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said, "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replied, "Well, the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

[Handley_Page]

A Woman's Week At The Gym

Dear Diary:
For my birthday this year, my husband got me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god—with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a dustbin in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

THURSDAY: Butthole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late—it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine—which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun—like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[DG Hear]

A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

------------------------------------

A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

------------------------------------

A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------------------------------

A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.
Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.
"Here boy!" she replies.

[oggbashan]

Sorry, Charles Atlas:

[Handley_Page]

Tesco Quarter Pounders:
The new affordable way to buy your daughter the pony she's always wanted !!!!

[Weird Harold]

Originally Posted by oggbashan

Sorry, Charles Atlas:

http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/2047365...030413.031.jpg

"We are sorry, you can not display images hosted by Yahoo! Groups on non Yahoo! Groups pages."

[Handley_Page]

Good Morning Boss,
Sorry, but I cannot make it today. My wife's cooking has put me in Hospital.
Wa'ssat' Food Poisoning ? Oh NO.
I told her it was 'orrible and she beat me with an iron frying pan.

[oggbashan]

Originally Posted by Weird Harold

"We are sorry, you can not display images hosted by Yahoo! Groups on non Yahoo! Groups pages."

Sorry. I have uploaded an attachment instead.

[WyldIce]

[DG Hear]

TIME TO PUT THE DOG DOWN
MRS. BROWN'S DOG IS VERY OLD AND NOT WELL AT ALL. THE FAMILY IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO TELL HER IT IS TIME TO PUT HER DOG DOWN. NO KLEENEX IS NEEDED FOR THIS VIDEO. THIS IS BRITISH HUMOR AT IT'S BEST.

CLICK BELOW:

Mrs Brown's Dog
http://www.youtube.com/embed/U430rpfjIIQ

[NaokoSmith]

[WyldIce]

[DG Hear]

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

*************************************

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Oh go ahead...I'll wait...

***********************************

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )

******************************

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

*******************************

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

**********************************

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

******************************

The King of Hearts is the only king

WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

****************************

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

**************************

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)

(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

********************************

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

**********************************

[SweetMaj]

Originally Posted by DG Hear

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

*************************************

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Oh go ahead...I'll wait...

***********************************

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )

******************************

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

*******************************

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

**********************************

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

******************************

The King of Hearts is the only king

WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

****************************

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

**************************

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)

(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

********************************

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

**********************************

"Yawn...hit me with an apple."

"Okay.......*BOING*..."

"Ouch!...oh - now I'm wide awake."



Good one, DG.

[DG Hear]

Most dust particles in your house are made from

DEAD SKIN !

********************************

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

So did the first ' Marlboro Man'.

*********************************

Walt Disney was afraid

OF MICE!
*******************************

PEARLS DISSOLVE

IN VINEGAR !

******************************

The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

******************************

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

but, not downstairs.

*******************************

A duck's quack doesn't echo,

and no one knows why.

********************************

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)

*************************************

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)