Stag of Oberon

[BiBunny]

Originally Posted by DeepGreenEyes

This is reaaaally good stuff. Thanks for the cranial skylight.

^^^^What he said^^^^

I think of doing something similar on Lit from time to time, but I always pull back, for fear of making an ass of myself, since I am given to narcissistic melacholy.

[Stag of Oberon]

oh you're gonna make me blush!

You know Bi-bunny, you occasionally vent about how disenfranchised you are with D/s, about how terrible male submissives are in general (and your clients in particular); I can tell how frustrated you feel, but a part of me can't help but compare myself to the narcissistic control freak subs you talk about.

I say to myself, "well at least I'm not like that," yet I can almost hear my former mistress, her voice borrowed by my own inner demon;

'Aren't you?'

[Stag of Oberon]

And yet... I still want to read more.

Originally Posted by BiBunny

I think of doing something similar on Lit from time to time, but I always pull back, for fear of making an ass of myself, since I am given to narcissistic melacholy.

Do it anyway.

[DeepGreenEyes]

Originally Posted by Stag of Oberon

I don't really think of any of my writing as cranial skylight inducing... care to elucidate what you found so special?

/milk

No. Not really.






Postmortems are fascinating things. At least they are to me. I'm a sucker for History Channel marathons about world events turning on a few small decisions. Unintended results! Wrong turns! Blind luck!

So I enjoy the peek into your memories, and how you view then, now. It prompted me to review some old emails from an ex. I was surprised at how much insight I gained from re-reading them. I don't know why that would surprise me, exactly.

Carry on!

[Stag of Oberon]

Originally Posted by DeepGreenEyes

So I enjoy the peek into your memories, and how you view then, now. It prompted me to review some old emails from an ex. I was surprised at how much insight I gained from re-reading them. I don't know why that would surprise me, exactly.

Carry on!

One of the things that struck me as perfect about my avatar, and the reason I have stuck with it so stubborn/ lazily over the years, is that the stag depicted is looking back over his shoulder.

[eastern sun]

Originally Posted by Stag of Oberon

One of the things that struck me as perfect about my avatar, and the reason I have stuck with it so stubborn/ lazily over the years, is that the stag depicted is looking back over his shoulder.

[DeepGreenEyes]

Originally Posted by Stag of Oberon

One of the things that struck me as perfect about my avatar, and the reason I have stuck with it so stubborn/ lazily over the years, is that the stag depicted is looking back over his shoulder.

Nice. You never see a Deer Xing sign with that pose.

Maybe that's why they become roadkill.

[Stag of Oberon]

I'd been thinking of digging this post up... I knew around when it was posted (years ago) but not where, so it was gonna take some digging, and then FurryFury bumped the thread, which hadn't been posted on much since.

By the way... I'm pretty sure the embarrassingly stereotypical subby name mentioned in this post was 'whisper'. I think... maybe... (not entirely sure).

Originally Posted by Stag of Oberon

Annoyingly, my dreams often come in phases, with some of the very best parts being skipped over entirely or existing within the dream as memories to flesh out the back-ground of the current circumstance in the dream. It's those "dream memories" that I sometimes have trouble separating from real memories though, so in someways it can be better.

It's much much better than the other kind of psuedo-sex dream that I used to have frequently, where the dream seemed to have a script, as though I'd dreamed it before, but something comes up, some distraction minor or disastrous causes the dream to deviate from the script and it never gets back on course for the good stuff. I tend to wake up frustrated from those kinds of dreams, though those in particular are more difficult to remember and slip away from me quickly.

A couple weeks ago I had a dream in which my wife determined to find me a mistress, and "shared me" with someone she'd 'found on the internet.'

There were a lot of rules and schedules to ensure that the new relationship didn't interfere too greatly with the my primary relationship, and one of my first tasks was to choose a "subby name," which I cannot for the life of me remember.

Unbeknownst to me the online Domme was a friend of my wife's (i think), and while we were at a friends for some kind of large gathering (thanksgiving?) I was in their kitchen helping with the dishes, & my dishwashing partner stepped out for some reason so I had continued on my own. So there I am quietly washing dishes when someone puts their arms around me from behind and whispers "hello *subby name*" I hold my breath, my knees buckle and I black out, ending that phase of the dream (damnit!!)

The next phase of the dream picks up several weeks if not months later, I wake up in a place that seems familiar, though it's not my home, in one of those "perfect nap environments,"; there's some kind of soft wordless music, a comfortable breeze playing across me intermittently, I think I was laying on a futon? which smelled like sex, though it was mostly overshadowed by the other fragrances of the room; some kind of incense or candle.

I'm wearing a collar and my arm is wreathed in some kind of woad or blue henna that I gaze at with a fond familiarity as I come to, though all I can remember of it now is feathers, and that there was some ritual involved in putting it there. I realize I awoke due to an external door opening downstairs, my Domme is having a guest over? I listen half awake to their conversation, I can hear my Domme explaining that she prefers to let me sleep as much as possible on the weekends that she has me since I get so little sleep at home. Apparently the guest has heard all about me from this mistress, but by my 'subbie name,' and is eager to finally meet me, and I realize the guest's voice is familiar, likely someone from that same group of friends, whom I was already familiar with by my real name. I'm not quite startled but there is a bit of an oh shit moment as the dream fades out.

soo.... little to no kinky stuff going on in the dream, this one in particular was actually quite tranquil, which is becoming very frusterating. For some reason I have yet to have a "DS dream" in which I see the mistresses face, and not one in which the kinky stuff happens during the actual dream.

At least in the "off script" would be sex dreams there was a face, real or imagined, that I could sometimes remember later. (if it didn't slip away too quickly on waking)

Thank you, Furry, for saving me the work.

[Stag of Oberon]

I had already consigned myself to "deer season" being closed; that is to say that I was done posting here for a few months or so, but recent developments may make these next couple days my last few posts here ever.

On the other hand, I do have an annoying tendency to be over dramatic.

Still, this is one of the most painful things I have ever even considered sharing here... I don't know where even to start. I do feel though it's something that deserves to be told; a mortifying new context for comments over the years, and this past month in particular.

How DO i start?

I guess just blurting out the couple of facts that remain solid; one doctor has already suggested running expensive (and under covered) tests to see if I have had a stroke or some other personality changing event. I have a psychiatrist appointment soon, a terrifying possibility that has been raised is that I may need a probationary period of voluntary commitment for the protection of my children while the effectiveness of anti-psychotic drugs are assessed.

I may be schizophrenic.

I'm kind of in a fog right now. A fog of the now. The ground under my feet has been an illusion. Where this board is concerned; how can I stand by convictions, how dare I even raise an opinion, when I can't even be sure of my own experiences.

I think maybe I've had an inkling dread of this possibility for some time though. Why else would experience denial be so consumingly painful, if it weren't based on some valid doubt.

The events that lead to this revelation; I've always had confabulated memories, this is something i've shared before; nothing new. My memories of a baby blanket are no less vivid for it never having existed. I thought I'd more or less outgrown that phenomena though.

Arguments with my family over conversations that didn't happen, or didn't happen the way I remembered them, generally occurred only once every few years. There has been a rash of these fights this past month, and a couple of events in particular that had me reaching for the phone.

In a conversation with my mother I mentioned a play date with my daughter and niece; melody. I have only nephews. I did have a rarely mentioned aunt melody; she died when she was my daughter's age, months before my father was born.

Just a week ago (?) I was running errands and decided to stop by a boutique toy store I remembered, which I thought we were near, as a way of brightening the day for my kids being dragged along. We got lost for more than half an hour, and afterward I found no trace of it on the internet. Apparently "Sarah Belle M's puzzles and mind games" never existed (I'm aware of the irony).

[BiBunny]

*Hugs*

Please, please, please make sure that all physical brain issues are ruled out first and foremost. Schizophrenia is (usually) something that appears fairly early in one's adult life, but brain tumors, strokes, etc. can mimic the symptoms. Since (I assume) you're not in your early to mid 20s, definitely make sure you can rule out all the other things that can cause those symptoms before you allow them to put you on APs and send you home.

That being said, if the problem does turn out to be schizophreniform in nature, you've got lots and lots of options treatment-wise. For example, I've seen Zyprexa knock symptoms out like turning off a light switch in the absolute craziest person I've ever met.

Hang in there. Don't give up. You have lots of options.

[Stag of Oberon]

Thank you bunny.

[Stag of Oberon]

"good vibes" are welcome, I guess, though I don't really feel like I deserve them.


Please don't invalidate me though, by apologizing. Either for this, which is obviously beyond anyone's control, and more importantly, for hurtful things you may have said in response to me elsewhere.

That's probably not something I need to worry about... but still; I meant what I said at the time that I said it. If I hurt you, if I deserved castigation then, I deserve it no less now. I'm still the same person. I do wonder now, though, if the sense of community I longed to recapture here ever existed in the first place.

For those who have said they would not miss my posts; I will most certainly miss yours. I will never be so certain though, that any of you were real.

[Stella_Omega]

AS angry as you've made me, I have also been worried about you. There is no shame in mental health issues, that's just our society being fucked up.

I would love to see you come back with more faculty than you've recently had, Stag. There's a lot that's good in you.

[Stag of Oberon]

I dread the prospect that my spirituality, even as little as I practice now, is a symptom that can and needs to be remedied with a pill.

I fear as well the thought that those experiences, as rare as they ever were, could be banished as a side effect, in an effort to deal with these memory issues.

Also; I remember a little girl's face. I remember her playing with my daughter; but there is no melody. This is straight out of a horror movie.

The financial side of this is just as heartache inducing; we were just on the cusp of getting debt free, and finally talking realistically about saving for a down payment on a house.

Like the scene from UP, where they break their saving jar over and over, except that ours is almost finally emptied of red ink, and we're looking at pouring more in.

[Ropebunny]

I wish I had something profound to say here, but I don't.

I feel that you an I are kindred in some way Stag, and I wish you well on what will hopefully be a journey of self-discovery. Please continue to share, if you feel able. There are things you have mentioned in your first post today that resonate with me and re-open the wellspring of supression and doubt.

I hope that one day I will feel strong enough to be as honest with myself as you are being now.

[DeepGreenEyes]

First of all, let's let this silliness go about leaving Lit, and not being certain that this community, and its members, are real. We are all astoundingly lifelike. No Matrix here.

Next, listen to Bunny. She is smart and has insights in this area. Get that shit CHECKED.

It must be incredibly disturbing to be experiencing things that aren't so. It would make one lose one's bearings. It would sap one's confidence, and cause the world to feel off kilter.

But you do owe it to yourself to move forward and do what you can. Just move forward and do the next thing. You are a sensitive, kind, thoughtful person, Stag, with a formerly-interesting av. You have a lot to give, to your family and to the world, whether you have schizophrenia or just blanked on "Melody."

[BiBunny]

Originally Posted by Stag of Oberon

I dread the prospect that my spirituality, even as little as I practice now, is a symptom that can and needs to be remedied with a pill.

I fear as well the thought that those experiences, as rare as they ever were, could be banished as a side effect, in an effort to deal with these memory issues.

Doesn't have to be. I promise.

Originally Posted by Stag of Oberon

Also; I remember a little girl's face. I remember her playing with my daughter; but there is no melody. This is straight out of a horror movie.

The financial side of this is just as heartache inducing; we were just on the cusp of getting debt free, and finally talking realistically about saving for a down payment on a house.

Like the scene from UP, where they break their saving jar over and over, except that ours is almost finally emptied of red ink, and we're looking at pouring more in.

Tell yourself what I have to tell myself when I can hardly afford meds or the doctor--I will never get out of debt if I'm too sick to work.

[Stag of Oberon]

To the best of my understanding, I am not experiencing things that aren't so. My imaginary friends have never been visible to me. I do not so much hear or see spirits, but I do remember feeling them, understanding them, sometimes more clearly than if they'd slapped me in the face and yelled at me.

But that was all years ago; all memories now.

The issue is that I remember things that never were. There is a fine line between experience and memory.

So long as it stays that way, I remain safe in the moment... I just have to be more careful about impulsive behavior, no more haring off on adventures to parks and boutiques I remember from years ago, without first planing the trip out, researching the park or shop as though it were brand new, and writing those plans down. It's not a huge adjustment to make; you have to plan your day with kids anyway.

but that raises the obvious question, did any experience I relate from the past actually happen. Was I raped? I don't even remember one of the times in the first place. Did I ever "feel" those spirits? Or am I just misremembering those things. So much of our identities is wrapped up in what we have experienced in the past.

Who am I?

I've long held a fear of what might happen if for some reason I got amnesia; who would I be then? This feels like that same identity crisis in negative.

I'm probably horribly overreacting. I had a similar emotional breakdown when I was first told I had ADD. Something's wrong with me, I'm a freak, but maybe I can finally get some help. The stress over the giant smoking hole this will leave in our family's budget isn't helping.

Having a doctor again is a relatively new luxury for us, but the memory of getting Fucked over by insurance companies when I broke my ankle and the physical therapist bill sent to collections is still relatively fresh. More importantly, I still have some of that paperwork to prove it.

[Stag of Oberon]

Originally Posted by BiBunny

Tell yourself what I have to tell myself when I can hardly afford meds or the doctor--I will never get out of debt if I'm too sick to work.

Right now: i'm a stay at home dad.

There's some very simple math that makes this a very reasonable choice though; If you look at the money I save our family; by clipping coupons, by taking care of the kids instead of sending them to daycare, by not eating at work or using the gas to get there, by eating less in general. Some may call this despicable, but if you include the tax breaks and food stamps we get because of out family's current low income, and you take all those numbers and call them income; I make significantly more than I ever did as an under employed deli-clerk, and my family's quality of life is better for it as well.

Simple math can still be a hard argument though, against the emotional bludgeon of my non-existent W2.

[graceanne]

Wow. That's pretty scary. My step-mom is schizophrenic. I really hope you'll be okay, and we'd appreciate it if you'd keep us in the loop.

[graceanne]

Originally Posted by Stag of Oberon

Right now: i'm a stay at home dad.

There's some very simple math that makes this a very reasonable choice though; If you look at the money I save our family; by clipping coupons, by taking care of the kids instead of sending them to daycare, by not eating at work or using the gas to get there, by eating less in general. Some may call this despicable, but if you include the tax breaks and food stamps we get because of out family's current low income, and you take all those numbers and call them income; I make significantly more than I ever did as an under employed deli-clerk, and my family's quality of life is better for it as well.

Simple math can still be a hard argument though, against the emotional bludgeon of my non-existent W2.

I did the math once and discovered we'd have to put out another 200/mth, on top of my wages, for me to work because of day care costs and gas and stuff.

[fed0ra]

I have been trying to follow this conversation. And butting in but I know people who swear by alternative medicine. I have travelled hours to get my kids and husband to a highly recommended Chinese doctor or to. Naturopath.

I am not saying don't listen to your doctors. Listen to them. Take their advice. But also look at alternatives - naturopathy, homeopathy, Chinese medicine, acupuncture, meditation. I have a cousin who goes to Dr Deepak Chopra in California a couple times a year. She has been ill for 4 years now. And thinks its helping her.

I hope you will at least think about it. And it looks like you have good here. Hang on to them. If nothing else, they provide a virtual shoulder.

[Stella_Omega]

Originally Posted by Stag of Oberon

I dread the prospect that my spirituality, even as little as I practice now, is a symptom that can and needs to be remedied with a pill.

I fear as well the thought that those experiences, as rare as they ever were, could be banished as a side effect, in an effort to deal with these memory issues.

Also; I remember a little girl's face. I remember her playing with my daughter; but there is no melody. This is straight out of a horror movie.

The financial side of this is just as heartache inducing; we were just on the cusp of getting debt free, and finally talking realistically about saving for a down payment on a house.

Like the scene from UP, where they break their saving jar over and over, except that ours is almost finally emptied of red ink, and we're looking at pouring more in.

No not your spirituality, Stag, that's not what worries me. It's the false memories, the unreasonable anger, the paranoia. You don't have to keep those things, in order to keep your spirituality. I most sincerely hope.

[Stag of Oberon]

Originally Posted by Stella_Omega

No not your spirituality, Stag, that's not what worries me. It's the false memories, the unreasonable anger, the paranoia. You don't have to keep those things, in order to keep your spirituality. I most sincerely hope.

my first response to this was denial.

You may be on to something there.

Maybe I should just not post during times of emotional distress. Getting angry at words on the screen is just too easy when there are real life problems i should probably be paying more attention to.

Read less news maybe; I'll spare you the links.

It has been pointed out to me that the doctor who uttered 'schizophrenia' should not have done so; he was a medical doctor in the process of referring me, not a psychiatrist. It's a very loaded hypothesis to band about casually.

I will keep you posted, but I think for now I shall resume my break.

[Curious_in_Cali]

I know that I don't really know you except by your posts, but you word weave such lovely complex tapestries that I would most certainly miss you if you disappeared.

So please don't.

My best wishes and warmest hugs to you and yours as you face whatever challenges are ahead.