So ... little help needed please!

[ameliajax]

I mentioned in my intro, I think, or somewhere, that I'm trying to introduce my husband to my BDSM leanings, without either of us freaking out. He has been doing some research on his own and has been introducing some things that he thinks I will like. And I do like it, especially as it has saved me so far from having to tell him how to dominate me.

But here is the problem. Well, two problems. First, my husband is enjoying what he is doing in the bedroom with me, for the most part, even though it isn't something that he feels compelled to do. But, he's overthinking it to the point that he is unable to finish, himself. He gets so worked up over what he's doing that ... I don't know. He's too distracted to have an orgasm. It hasn't happened every time, but enough that it is becoming an issue.

Any advice on how he can .... just fucking relax? What can I say to him? Other than what I'm saying in the throes of arousal?

Secondly, and this is even more important ... I was all whiskeyed up and I admitted to him that part of the reason I like getting tattoos is that I like the pain. I like how it feels. I had not talked to him at all about the pain/pleasure thing, because I don't trust him to take that on and know what he's doing. He was very surprised, but being the good little soldier he is in trying to please me, all of a sudden he's asking me about candle wax, and if he wants to try something, should he ask me first.

Yikes! I mean, that could be cool, and all, candle wax isn't going to kill me, but I don't want him to suddenly start getting all Marquis de Sade on me when he doesn't know what he's doing.

Is there a manual? A self-help book? A guide that he can read that will give him some ideas and teach him how to be careful?

I know part of that is my job, to tell him what is too much. I already told him that if he intends to try anything pain related, to not just surprise me with it, especially if I'm blindfolded and restrained. At least not the first time. I told him we needed to talk about it first. We need a safe word. But he knows I don't want to over-talk about this stuff, and I'm still afraid he will get it in his head to spring something on me in the spirit of domination.

So ... help! I don't want to get hurt while I'm getting hurt!!!

[Stella_Omega]

My favorite three books for the mechanics of it all;
The New Topping Book, The New Bottoming Book, and Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns. You can buy all of them on Amazon or B&N or your favorite independent bookseller.

There's a book called "When Someone You Love Is Kinky" which assumes complete ignorance and also some hostility to the notion-- it's very helpful for some people.

Those are my suggestions....

[CutieMouse]

As someone who once upon a time service-topped... cut the guy some slack.

A) I've seen you mention several times that you're unable to "submit outside the bedroom", or "fully submit", etc... What does "submitting outside the bedroom" look like to you? What does that look like to him?

B) I understand that it bothers *you* that he doesn't always have an orgasm... does it bother *him* or is he enjoying the adventure, regardless?

The books Stella mentioned are good, but (IMO) this stuff isn't nearly as complicated or difficult as people can sometimes make it. Acknowledging that physical discomfort can be arousing can be scary, but there are lots of way to push that pain/pleasure button... pinching, biting, light (or hard) spanking, a fist wrapped up in your hair, deep rough sex and yes, candle wax.

I'd like to believe if the man is curious enough to bring up candle wax (without your prompting), he might be smart enough to have a general grasp of the "rules" for said wax... no need to talk the concept to death. Ask why it appeals to him and what he's learned about it. Maybe the wax has nothing to do with doing it "for you"; maybe the idea of it [independently] turns him on.

[ameliajax]

Originally Posted by CutieMouse

As someone who once upon a time service-topped... cut the guy some slack.

A) I've seen you mention several times that you're unable to "submit outside the bedroom", or "fully submit", etc... What does "submitting outside the bedroom" look like to you? What does that look like to him?

B) I understand that it bothers *you* that he doesn't always have an orgasm... does it bother *him* or is he enjoying the adventure, regardless?

The books Stella mentioned are good, but (IMO) this stuff isn't nearly as complicated or difficult as people can sometimes make it. Acknowledging that physical discomfort can be arousing can be scary, but there are lots of way to push that pain/pleasure button... pinching, biting, light (or hard) spanking, a fist wrapped up in your hair, deep rough sex and yes, candle wax.

I'd like to believe if the man is curious enough to bring up candle wax (without your prompting), he might be smart enough to have a general grasp of the "rules" for said wax... no need to talk the concept to death. Ask why it appeals to him and what he's learned about it. Maybe the wax has nothing to do with doing it "for you"; maybe the idea of it [independently] turns him on.

It doesn't actually bother me that he doesn't have an orgasm, only in that I want him to enjoy himself, and not worry too much about what he is trying to accomplish ... he doesn't seem overly bothered by it either, except that he knows he's over thinking it, and that makes him over-think it even more ...

Thanks, Stella, for the reading recommendations, I think he already got that "kinky" one on his own ...

[Stag of Oberon]

PARAFIN!

er i mean... make sure if you're playing with candles that you're using parafin, it has a lower melting temperature and is less likely to cause serious burns. You don't have to go to a sex shop to purchase their parafin candles; floating candles are usually made of parafin.

[Sir_Winston54]

Originally Posted by Stag of Oberon

PARAFIN!

er i mean... make if sure you're playing with candles that you're using parafin, it has a lower melting temperature and is less likely to cause serious burns. You don't have to go to a sex shop to purchase their parafin candles; floating candles are usually made of parafin.

I've mentioned this before, in other threads/discussions involving waxplay: the Homedics (or other manufacturers - I've just had a fair amount of experience with Homedics equipment) Paraffin Bath. Some models have "infinite" temperature settings, to melt the paraffin to *just* the right temperature, no more, no less. And... the paraffin itself is relatively cheap, and easily available (see: Walmart, Amazon, etc., etc., etc.).

Also, do some testing before getting into actual play with hotwax. See from what distance the wax should be poured to allow it to cool just enough on the way down that it's still hot and somewhat discomforting (painful) without creating excessive pain, or red marks for hours afterward, or first- (or second-) degree burns. Remember, too, that skin exposed to the elements on a regular basis (hands, arms, lower legs, back) are much less sensitive to 'extremes' of heat or cold than flesh not so exposed (breasts, belly, pudenda, inner thighs). What may be very comfortable/comforting on one's hands or arms could be excruciating on soft belly flesh!

As a side note, if you have any issues with "inside" aching of the hands or feet, especially in cold weather, these paraffin baths are "simply mahhhvelous" for soaking those extremities and warming them in a way that can last for hours and hours. People with a history (either personal or familial) of arthritis can find these paraffin baths a lifesaver.

[IrisAlthea]

I'm sorry if I'm way out of line here but do you have reasons not to trust his jugement and concern for safety?
I remembered that you did write something about marital problems and I went back and looked and you actually wrote something about feeling sick and panicky.

If I'm totally on the wrong track here, I agree with CM.

[Primalex]

Your husband is an adult...right?

[rosco rathbone]

It would be funny if it turned out that you'd gone and created a monster and your guy started wearing the pants outside the bedroom.

[ameliajax]

Thanks Stella, Stag of Oberon and Sir Winston for seeing past the superfluous emotional-ness of my post and actually answering the question I was trying to ask.

I apologize for over-sharing. You guys are a tough crowd.

Roscoe Rathbone -- one can only hope ...

[ameliajax]

Originally Posted by IrisAlthea

I'm sorry if I'm way out of line here but do you have reasons not to trust his jugement and concern for safety?
I remembered that you did write something about marital problems and I went back and looked and you actually wrote something about feeling sick and panicky.

If I'm totally on the wrong track here, I agree with CM.

Irisalthea -- I don't trust his judgement right now. He is inexperienced and over enthusiastic. He has already unintentionally hurt me a few times. Like, in not a good way. We're working on it. I was really just looking for a guide, a how-to ... a what not to do.

[IrisAlthea]

Originally Posted by ameliajax

Irisalthea -- I don't trust his judgement right now. He is inexperienced and over enthusiastic. He has already unintentionally hurt me a few times. Like, in not a good way. We're working on it. I was really just looking for a guide, a how-to ... a what not to do.

I'm sorry to hear that. Nothing too bad, I hope. Otherwise I really think it would be a good idea to reconsider this whole thing.

I'd forget about the not over-talking thing for now - I think you'll be much better off if you research together and decide what you are going to do and how.
Then when you have a small repertoire of things you know work for the both of you, there will be room for improvising without you having to be scared of getting hurt.

Please be careful though and make sure you are not getting in over your head. Inexperienced and over-enthusiastic (wanting to please?) is one thing. Irresponsible is something else.

[Sweet_T]

What about safe words? I have never used them, but they have been assigned to me by doms in my past.

[BiBunny]

Tell the man to try the shit on himself before he does it to you. That tends to work better than anything.

[RuReal]

Hello OP.

Congrats and talking a very fun and interesting plunge. First off yes there will be a learning curve and mistakes do happen indeed. The books recommended are pretty damn good, but if you want you can look into your local kink community as a great many of them hold education sessions. Depends on your local community though, but it is a good place to start.

As for him cumming I will say that I do not cum every time I play with the wife. I do this many times on purpose depending on how the play is going and enjoy it. In my case I enjoy taking control of her body to that degree, and yet sometimes I enjoy just using her. It all depends on the type of play you are getting into.

One important thing with good play is for the sub to be relaxed and sometimes this does take some effort and some learning more about each other.

Good luck and happy trip.