Old 02-02-2013, 11:47 PM   #851
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sledgehammer

"Tell me, Babe," he asked, "do you call me 'sledgehammer' because I pound you so well?"

"If you must know," she replied, "it's because you're dense, heavy, and completely lacking in the finer skills of love-making."

somnambulist

(By the way, Neko, did you know that marsupials have bifid penises?)
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Old 02-03-2013, 03:16 PM   #852
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somnambulist

After several weeks of working as the Roberts' au pair, Fritha decided that her subtle attempts at attracting the attention of her dishy (but, alas, slightly dim) employer, Alan needed to step up a gear.

Her experimental flirting foundered on the twin rocks of his slight deafness and her thick Norwegian accent, and even her increasingly revealing outfits, worn when Mrs Roberts, an actuary, was out at work, failed to fan the flames of his interest.

Eventually, Fritha decided more drastic action was in order. She recalled reading an article in a magazine about a somnambulist marrying her landlord after walking into his room while fast asleep and decided that this would be her chance.

She waited until the house was quiet (Mrs Roberts was attending an international conference on Demographic Risk Weighting in Niche Sectors), and the only light in the house was from her target's room. She shucked off her nightie, pausing briefly to wish the Roberts would install some central heating, and headed towards the master bedroom in what she hoped was her best sleepwalking gait.

18-year-old Andy Roberts, back from uni for the weekend, emerged from his parents' en suite to be greeted by a statuesque, naked Norwegian blonde who, despite the obviously cold temperature, was fast asleep and wandering the house. And it wasn't even Christmas...

nomenclature
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Old 02-04-2013, 03:22 AM   #853
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Old 02-04-2013, 08:59 AM   #854
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cheiloproclitic

"I'm...not sure...we sh...ould...consider your...cheil...oprocli...tic...tenden...cies a...pr...oblem," observed Dr. Chambers as her new patient threw her on the analyst's couch and commenced thrusting his erect member in and out between her luscious, full, invitingly red, sensual lips.

Tractarianism
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Old 02-04-2013, 09:39 AM   #855
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Tractarianism

I am alone in this world as are you. Look what the church has done to you, a loyal servant - a true man of the cloth. I care not what sectarian beliefs you hold, whether they be vestiges of Catholicism, Tractarianism, or some other brand of faith that worship of your God implies.

Take what this life has to give you. You deserve a reward for all that you have done and all that you will still do. I fall to my knees to please you now.

Take me.


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Old 02-04-2013, 10:10 AM   #856
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Old 02-05-2013, 08:40 AM   #857
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blowfish

His lecture on the tetraodontidae was still in her mind as her date with the marine biologist came to an end. She had invited him in for a drink, and now found herself kneeling at his feet, undoing his slacks and dropping them to the floor. Her eyes widened as his organ swelled like a distended blowfish, and she relished the sense of danger and excitement as her lips enveloped the fugu he served from between his thighs.

gyroscope
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Old 02-07-2013, 03:10 PM   #858
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Old 02-07-2013, 03:49 PM   #859
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caboose

Sorry, couldn't resist going to the Ballad of Aimee McPherson...

THE BALLAD OF AIMEE McPHERSON

Did you ever hear the story of Aimee McPherson?
Aimee McPherson, that wonderful person,
She weight a hundred eighty and her hair was red
And preached a wicked sermon, so the papers said.

cho: Hi dee hi dee hi dee hi
Ho dee ho dee ho dee ho.

Aimee built herself a radio station
To broadcast her prraching to the nation.
She found a man named Armistead who knew enough
To run the radio while Aimee did her stuff.

Shc held a camp meeting out at Ocean Park
Preached from early morning 'til after dark.
Said the benediction, folded up her tent,
And nobody knew where Aimee went.
When Aimee McPherson got back from this journey,
Shc told her tale to the district attorney.
Said she'd been kidnapped on a lonely trail.
In spite of all the questions, she stuck to her tale.

Well, the Grand Jury started an investigation,
Uncovered a lot of spicy information.
Found out about a love nest down at Carmel-by-the-Sea,
Where the liquor was expensive and the loving was free.

They found a cottage with a breakfast nook,
A folding bed with a worn-out look.
The slats were busted and the springs were loose,
And the dents in the mattress fitted Aimee's caboose.

Well they took poor Aimee and they threw her in jail.
Last I heard she was out on bail.
They'll send her up for a stretch, I guess,
She worked herself up into an awful mess
Now Radio Ray is a going hound;
He's going yet and he ain't been found.
They got his description, but they got it too late.
Sin they got it, he's lost a lot of weight.

Now I'll end my story in the usual way,
About this lady preacher's holiday.
If you don't get the moral then you're the gal for me
Cause they've got a lot of cottages down at Carmel-by-the-Sea.

dolicocephaly
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Old 02-08-2013, 01:26 AM   #860
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Old 02-08-2013, 03:50 AM   #861
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Legoland

Sadly, thanks to a worldwide shortage of pink bricks, the inaugural Legoland XXX Giant Sculpture competition is indefinitely postponed.

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Old 02-08-2013, 11:53 PM   #862
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:54 PM   #863
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Old 02-09-2013, 06:47 AM   #864
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The woman above her was exquisite, as always, and Cheryl could barely contain the shivering in her bones. A fingernail touched her thigh, making her gasp, the nitrous oxide rushing in to fill her lungs. This is why she came to the dentist.


Electrical
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Everything Is Personal: Tales From Intersect City
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Old 02-11-2013, 04:17 AM   #865
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Electrical

As she examined the vibrating nipple clamps, encased in their gaudy plastic blister pack, a contemplative and slightly hungry expression crossed Belinda's pretty face.

Tarquin mused that, when she'd suggested going shopping for electrical appliances, this wasn't at all what he'd envisaged...

restraint
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Old 02-11-2013, 11:45 PM   #866
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Old 02-12-2013, 07:37 AM   #867
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torque

Intrepid astronauts Wanda McFarlane and Hal Wilson took their passion for Newtonian physics to a new level when they embarked upon their zero-G lovemaking experiment. They'd been sweethearts since college, and their combined efforts had been focussed for the past fifteen years on ensuring that they ended up on this mission together.

Countless nights of calculations, combined with an equally assiduous approach to their practical work, culminated in a truly innovative and unique twist on the old perpetual motion chestnut.

Once in orbit, and suitably primed and docked, they simply applied a little torque to Wanda's haunches (her long-term hobby of gymnastics allowed her to pull her legs out of the way), and watched as she span like an increasingly breathless and flushed flywheel on Hal's axle...

kata
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Old 02-12-2013, 12:05 PM   #868
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Kata

Oh how her heart thrilled to see him perform the . She watched the coloured belt fly about his white jacketted form with her heart thudding in her throat, quivering in admiration.

She knelt quietly by the floor mats, bowing her head and watching through strands of hair and her eyelashes. She felt her cunt quiver in time with her heart and she felt dampness between her thighs.

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Old 02-12-2013, 12:17 PM   #869
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ikebana

They joked about the seriousness with which he approached licking her pussy. He would lie between her spread thighs, his head cocked to one side as he studied every inch, every fold of his beloved's plump vulva. With exquisite care, he would run his tongue carefully, deliberately along the moist cleft, gently parting her petals as if engaged in the most delicate of ikebana rituals.

By the time he had persuaded that moist flower to open fully, she was a gasping furrow waiting to be planted.

serpentine
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Old 02-12-2013, 12:30 PM   #870
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Serpentine

"Whatever is going on here?" spluttered the Colonel, as he parted the serpentine vines dangling from the branches of the tree.

His wife lay with her legs spread in the shelter of the green awning the vines provided, and the gardener's head between her thighs.

"Don't be silly, dear," she responded tartly. "I tripped over the croquet hoop and fell in here and when George came to help me, he slipped too."

The gardener lifted his head from between her creamy plump thighs.

"You know I always play croquet with no knickers on," Mrs Blimp added airily.

Zephyr
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Old 02-12-2013, 01:34 PM   #871
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Zephyr

As Aphrodite stood, new-born and naked, on her half-shell, Modesty tried to clothe her from the sight of mankind. Zephyr, however, would have none of such, and kept the diaphanous gown aloft. For this, we are forever in his debt.

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Old 02-14-2013, 01:46 AM   #872
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Old 02-14-2013, 09:32 AM   #873
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tempura

Steve found Neko's sexual gymnastics beyond belief, far surpassing the one-hundred and sixty-nine positions which which he was familiar, but was overjoyed afterwards to find she could cook as well. When she treated him to an Asian dinner and rustic dessert that she had herself prepared, he couldn't help but cry out "O tempura! O s'mores!"

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Old 02-14-2013, 10:17 AM   #874
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ogive

"Whenever I think of him, I picture an ogive." sighed Melinda

Her friend arched an eyebrow. "Is that because his mind is high and vaulted like the roof of a cathedral. Or..." she paused, grinning salaciously at Melinda and waggling said eyebrows suggestively. "... is it because of his divinely shaped penis?"

Melinda gave a wry smile. "In a manner of speaking, the latter." she drawled. "It's because he's such a bell-end."

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Old 02-17-2013, 09:53 AM   #875
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