BDSM: Questions and Answers

[Sir_Winston54]

Originally Posted by Storiest

.... I'm ... way out of my element.

Why would you choose to write about something that's "way out of [your] element?" While "Write what you know" is actually more about writing about emotional knowledge rather than experiential knowledge, to me, "way out of my element" means something at which I have neither experience nor an emotional connection.

I can write about killing and be reasonably believable, though I've never killed anyone, because I've *WANTED* to kill and actually taken time to consider ways, means, and avoidance of capture/punishment. (Failure to be even halfway confident in that last factor was a large factor in deciding to let the son of a bitch live.) I can NOT write about the stresses and joys and all the other facets of being a successful surgeon, because I don't have *any* of the experience, and there's a bit of a squick factor in the thought of cutting into a living body and excising (or even repairing) the bits and pieces therein.

I think you need to reconsider the central aspects of this character in your stories, and put her in a position with which you can, at least emotionally, identify to some degree.

[Storiest]

Originally Posted by Sir_Winston54

Why would you choose to write about something that's "way out of [your] element?" While "Write what you know" is actually more about writing about emotional knowledge rather than experiential knowledge, to me, "way out of my element" means something at which I have neither experience nor an emotional connection.

I can write about killing and be reasonably believable, though I've never killed anyone, because I've *WANTED* to kill and actually taken time to consider ways, means, and avoidance of capture/punishment. (Failure to be even halfway confident in that last factor was a large factor in deciding to let the son of a bitch live.) I can NOT write about the stresses and joys and all the other facets of being a successful surgeon, because I don't have *any* of the experience, and there's a bit of a squick factor in the thought of cutting into a living body and excising (or even repairing) the bits and pieces therein.

I think you need to reconsider the central aspects of this character in your stories, and put her in a position with which you can, at least emotionally, identify to some degree.

I'm challenging myself and it's on request. I know how to write a compelling relationship I think, but I always research my topics. And I'm modest I guess. I'm just struggling with the imagery. Thanks for the honest advice though.

[Storiest]

Originally Posted by Stella_Omega

I call my toy bag "my toybag." Everyone I know calls their stuff "toys" to the point where we snicker by reflex when we see ads for toy stores.

The Dommes I know dress like cartoon Black Widows when they are on the job domming for money, and more comfortably-- jeans and teeshirts, for instance-- or your basic hippie skirt outfit-- when they are with someone they care about, not for money. You want to dress for freedom of movement. Unless you are totally all about the fashion, or can't have good sex without the smell of latex filling your nostrils-- and I do know women who have genuine shoe and foot fetishes, and their Dommes indulge them.

But in the interests of actually realistic BDSM action, (even if in a fantasy setting) I'd like to ask you what you mean by "not by the book."

Which book? In other words, what rules of D/s do you know of?

Thanks so much for the information. I really appreciate it

The particular "rule" from "the book" that the character struggles with is that she is moody. shows a lot of vulnerability, which I think is uncharacteristic of a Domme. When, she is mad, or sad, or happy, you hear it in her voice, and it's reflected in her actions during play. She falters and frequently breaks her role to collect herself or give in to her slave, getting him off for example, when she has forbidden it. She goes back on her rules, punishment, and reward sometimes. She has ulterior motives to her relationship beyond finding a good Domme/sub fit. She also uses her sub and interferes with his personal life to a degree that he does not want. She reads his email. She joyrides his car.

Basically she breaks implicit rules of the relationship, and she also makes up a lot of the rules as she goes along, leaving her sub completely confused about what he is supposed to do. He can never do right by her when he tries, and sometimes he is rewarded for seemingly nothing. In a way, this leaves him more helpless and submissive than a strict Domme would. That's the theory anyways.

[Stag of Oberon]

If a male dominant behaved this way; it would quickly be written off as abuse.

Women seem to get a lot more slack for this; society says it's ok for them to be mercurial, to change their minds, and to be a force of chaos. In general, this trait in a Dominant leaves a sub feeling helpless, but it's not generally in a good way.

I'm not advocating for the ultra-harsh rules, but there's got to be some middle ground. Any partner in a relationship should respect the relationship, care about it enough to acknowledge when rules are broken and be open to having those talks where you figure out where the rules actually are, & what you'd like them to be, and what to expect going forward.

[Stella_Omega]

Sounds like, basically, a dysfunctional and destructive person, regardless of her D/s label. That could be very interesting character, but make sure your guy has reasons for staying with her. Because "oh woes I'm helpless in her evil sexy grasp" just makes him a schmuck.

I will say that the idea that a D must be in perfect control of themselves-- and of their voice and mannerisms, is very self-serving for the subs who fantasise about this. That means they have no responsibility for communication, you see-- no need to turn on the empathy, since the Dom doesn't emote it's not their fault. This is true for men and women, BTW. Female Subs that expect their male Dom to behave like Elder Statesmen... Sorry, no.

The special notion that a Domme must be an ice princess-- that's mostly a male fantasy. I always figure it's the Whore/Madonna syndrome, which fuck that.

As far as getting him off when she wants to get him off, is she, or is she not the Domme? If getting him off gets her off-- and trust me, it is a very satisfying thing to do-- then it's not breaking the rules.

The watchword of the community-- the thing that makes BDSM different from abuse-- is informed consent. The single hardest thing, in BDSM, is negotiating-- everyone has to pull up their undies and talk like adults. Take personal responsibility for their needs and desires.

Needless to say, this is only a goal for most of us, an ideal to be striven for-- or ignored, as the case may be. Sounds like your couple are ignoring it If so, please, for the sake of tolerance and peace on earth and all that shit-- make it clear that there is something they've ignored. Don't imply that this is good BDSM. Or else, think about placing it in Non-con.

[Storiest]

Informed Consent were the magic words.

Thanks Stella_Omega, this was exactly the kind of enlightenment I was looking for, and you make Literotica a better place. I'd say that ignoring informed consent hits it on the head as far as how the story diverges from BDSM. At the end of it all the character is not really a Domme at heart but a predator. Like I said, she's not by the book, and the BDSM is not by the book, perhaps the story would be better placed in non consent, because I don't want to offend anyone and I want the story to find the right place. BDSM is really complex stuff. I've never posted in BDSM and I don't think I ever will now. It's not the right place for my ideas and characters, even though it seems so on the surface.

Also I liked what you said about emotionless Dommes. Impressions of emotionless Dommes are formed from watching porn and reading smut that lacks characterization. There's no real relationship involved. I've gotten a taste of more realistic BDSM from researching for this story and reading certain stories on Lit.

[Stella_Omega]

Bravo, storiest!

Don't forget that a fuckton of kinky sex falls under the BDSM umbrella. Not everyone is dom-or-sub. Some of us are sensation sluts.

You ought to read the essay in my sig. I have a feeling it will spawn a plot bunny or two for you!

[KarennaC]

What's a term that a male Dom might call his male sub? It's not a 24/7 thing, and although there's some bondage and spanking in their scenes, the emphasis is on the sub serving the Dom. (I can't deal with terms like "boy", which is what a couple of people have told me would be correct... The sub calls the Dom "Sir" when they're doing a scene.)

[Sir_Winston54]

Originally Posted by KarennaC

What's a term that a male Dom might call his male sub? It's not a 24/7 thing, and although there's some bondage and spanking in their scenes, the emphasis is on the sub serving the Dom. (I can't deal with terms like "boy", which is what a couple of people have told me would be correct... The sub calls the Dom "Sir" when they're doing a scene.)

What would be "correct" would be whatever the two of them agree upon. In the case of what I assume is a story you're writing, it would be whatever you choose. It could be the sub's given name, or "boy," or whatever you're comfortable with.

[KarennaC]

Yes, it's a story. I kind of wanted the Dom to have a specific term he uses for the sub, but I'm not succeeding in finding one that feels right to me, so I probably will go with just using the sub's name.

[Stella_Omega]

Originally Posted by KarennaC

What's a term that a male Dom might call his male sub? It's not a 24/7 thing, and although there's some bondage and spanking in their scenes, the emphasis is on the sub serving the Dom. (I can't deal with terms like "boy", which is what a couple of people have told me would be correct... The sub calls the Dom "Sir" when they're doing a scene.)

Boy. Kid. Slut. Bitch.

Power play tends to be predicated on something cultural-- if it doesn't reference sex roles, it tends to be age related. We don't have slave type cultural references these days.

[KarennaC]

Thanks, Stella. Like I said in my first post, I can't tolerate using terms like "boy." Anything age-related is not something I can use in my writing. (Personal issues. Rather not get into it.)

[Stella_Omega]

Originally Posted by KarennaC

Thanks, Stella. Like I said in my first post, I can't tolerate using terms like "boy." Anything age-related is not something I can use in my writing. (Personal issues. Rather not get into it.)

Well, "boy" isn't exclusively an age designation. it means a man of low status, like a black slave-- remember your race history-- or any man of any age who does menial service; "shoeshine boy" "pool boy" "delivery boy" "bat boy" etc

I think that is the original meaning, and using it to mean young man came as a result of that.

While we are at it, leather men don't often use the terms "dom" and "sub" those are usually pan/hetero words. When they get used about gay men, it will most likely be from a porn source. "Master" is more common, or (sorry I know this icks you) "Daddy." Or Top.

[KarennaC]

Thanks, Stella. That makes sense about "boy"; I still have trouble separating it from its usage to refer to a male child, though.

[jeninflorida]

How do men find BDSM?

For us, we found what I like to refer to as BDSM Lite by accident. Went to a lingerie store that had movies, clothes (nipple clips...this and that) and all that stuff.

In my story, have an attorney that should be having the time of his life. He's making a ton of money, been a partner for a year, trophy wife that is very adventurous in bed), two new cars, a nice house in a gated community...yet something is missing....

I have him as a submissive....but I'm just not sure how to make the transition from "normal" man to one that craves Submission for release (stress, issues....)

ideas?

[Stella_Omega]

If you're talking about submission as in making someone elses desires more important than your own, I would like to know what some of our submissive men have to say about this, as well

If you're talking about wanting to be done unto-- I'm sure your guy will have come across an image of a dominatrix more than once in his life, and guys are very visual critters-- monkey see monkey do, are dudes.

Or, he went into a store the way you did, and noticed the nipple clamps the way you did, and possible asked the shop girl what the hell those things were-- and then left with his mind just a-buzzing, not to mention his nips demanding attention.

You could have SO much fun with scenarios like that!

[jeninflorida]

Well, I'm just wondering how a man becomes a submissive....or how he discovers he has a submissive side to him.

in my story I have the guy drinking too much and wants to stop drinking, as the booze isn't working and he needs something........

so how to make it real and true to life.....

[Stella_Omega]

Guys.. i don't know. I know one man who ID'd as a dom untill he fell in love with e a Domme-- and she was more dominant than him, and if he wanted to live with her he had to give up power to her, so he did. Now he considers himself an Alpha sub.

His Mistress-- who is a trip and a half-- says that men in general are inclined to be submissive, focussed on service, and grateful to have clear directions from the person they focus on serving.

Which, I dunno, maybe so.

[IrisAlthea]

Originally Posted by Stella_Omega

Guys.. i don't know. I know one man who ID'd as a dom untill he fell in love with e a Domme-- and she was more dominant than him, and if he wanted to live with her he had to give up power to her, so he did. Now he considers himself an Alpha sub.

His Mistress-- who is a trip and a half-- says that men in general are inclined to be submissive, focussed on service, and grateful to have clear directions from the person they focus on serving.

Which, I dunno, maybe so.

I think that might be true for people in general.