Old 02-03-2013, 08:48 AM   #1176
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Dear Emerson,

Your absence is noted. Come back?!

Sincerely,
Lustrous Precipitation
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Old 02-03-2013, 11:01 AM   #1177
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainshine View Post
Dear Emerson,

Your absence is noted. Come back?!

Sincerely,
Lustrous Precipitation
^^^^
This.
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Old 02-03-2013, 03:02 PM   #1178
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Dear Concerned Cloudburst and Puddle-seeking Pmann,

Your words have reached me, much like the commissioner’s signal to the Dark Knight, beamed upon the rolling clouds in a Gotham night sky.

I apologize for being away and out of touch. A week ago work sent me north of 60º to explore mines, severely shiver in isolated communities, and appreciate the spikes in excessive drinking and domestic violence that 18 hours + of darkness, abundance of alcohol, and sweet FA to do in ridiculously sub-zero temperatures can evoke.

I can now place a wee check (on my life-experiences checklist) beside:

1) Witnessing the start of a 1000 mile dog sled race (those silly, silly bastards).

2) Getting two wicked spots of frostbite on my neck while navigating a snowmobile in -49º C weather which, I was later informed by my guide, was not entirely accurate as I am not factoring in windchill, provided by both the wind and my moving “sled”.

An incredibly slow (8 to 10 mins for page load) internet connection - when you could get a connection - kept me from Lit and all it’s goings-ons. I’m back, and I’m sure I have some catching up to do. I will read up as I thaw my extremities by the fire, and try to persuade my testicles to reconvene their presence in their traditional habitat, after being driven off by the sharp bite of extreme cold to the warmer confines of my abdomen.

Having brandy for breakfast,

E


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Old 02-03-2013, 04:25 PM   #1179
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Yay he's back, if a little frosty! I hope those extremities are warmed and the testes dropped.

That shot is amazing.
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Old 02-03-2013, 04:28 PM   #1180
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Dear Food In My House,

I apologize in advance for the utter destruction and havoc I am about to wreak on you during the Super Bowl. You will be delicious. GET IN MAH BELLY!!!! Despite what you may have read, Hunger is not a Game.

God bless,
Miles
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Old 02-03-2013, 04:32 PM   #1181
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Dear new neighbors who moved in upstairs,

You don't have to stomp around your apartment all day...

Thanks,
Chris

Dear Amnesia: The Dark Descent,

You scare the living bejezzus outta me.
See here for more and turn your volume DOWN: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv-OfWvorpw

Thanks,
The Guy Who is Scared to Go Back into the Computer Room.

Dear new neighbors upstairs,

I'm going to pull out the subwoofer with Amnesia on it at 3am if you don't STFU.

Thanks,
Chris

Whew... 3 in one post.
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Old 02-04-2013, 10:35 AM   #1182
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Dear Tracy Chapman,

Beautiful song. Absolutely perfect.

Thanks,

Pleased eared pmann
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Old 02-05-2013, 10:39 PM   #1183
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Dear Hipsters,

I dig it. I like your look. I can even crush on your bow ties and braces but please, please put some fucking lenses in your fake Wayfarers. Please. All I want to do is poke you in the eye.

Thanks,
Everyone with fingers in the history of ever.
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Old 02-07-2013, 03:31 PM   #1184
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Dear Local School District,

It was once made painfully clear to me that my children were valued only for their test scores. In light of recent events, perhaps I should take my little test scores--and the funding you receive for them--elsewhere.
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Old 02-07-2013, 06:15 PM   #1185
Miles Long
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Dear Post Office,

Hurry up already!

Miles
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Old 02-08-2013, 10:23 AM   #1186
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Dear you

You are a like no other. Your quiet ways are the catalyst for smiles and laughter. You bring joy to so many just by simply going about your way.

Thank you
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Old 02-09-2013, 09:32 PM   #1187
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Dear South Park,

BAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Why don't I watch more often?

Gonna have myself a time!
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Old 02-10-2013, 08:37 AM   #1188
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Dear Karma,

Oh well played, well played.
hehehe

Next time you go after someone else though, please try to keep me out of your crosshairs.

I know, I know, collateral damage, and all that. I'm willing to take the hit this time.

Thanks,
Smirking MK
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Old 02-11-2013, 03:24 AM   #1189
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Dear erogenous zones,

Look! I've found the hotspots, Figs 1-9. I love you. Without you, what would a poor boy do?

Me, Counting Out Time.
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Old 02-11-2013, 10:58 PM   #1190
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Dear You,

Good effort. I'm too clever to fall for it, though.

Yours,
D.O.C.

P.S. They're looking for you!
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Old 02-12-2013, 12:39 PM   #1191
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Dear Fucker,

It's your turn.

Sincerely,

WWF Pmann
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Old 02-12-2013, 02:14 PM   #1192
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Dear ladies,

Thank you for an entertaining lunch. I'm flattered.

ppl
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Old 02-12-2013, 03:12 PM   #1193
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Dear bed,

Why are you extra snug and comfy in the morning?

Sincerely,
Don't wanna get up
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Old 02-12-2013, 06:05 PM   #1194
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You're either interested or you're not - just say one way or another and stop wasting my time with all this hot and cold shit.
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Old 02-12-2013, 09:11 PM   #1195
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Dear Responsibilities,

Kindly stop interfering with my Lit time. You're seriously compromising my budgeted entertainment time.

Sincerely,
The Master Procrastinator

BCC: School; Work
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Old 02-16-2013, 04:49 PM   #1196
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Dear High-School Art Teacher,

I'm glad you teach art and not, say, government.

Sincerely,
Disgruntled Mom
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Old 02-18-2013, 01:39 PM   #1197
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Dear Super-Duper Smart Cat,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for pissing on that rug. I absolutely fucking hated that puke-green monstrosity, but in order to keep the peace, I kept my mouth shut. Now I get to haul it out to the dumpster. This is a beautiful turn of events, my dear purr monster.

Trust me when I say that she might hate you right now, but me? I absolutely fucking adore you, and I'll sneak you some fresh tuna as a reward for a job well done.

Kudos,
Your Happy Human
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Old 02-18-2013, 01:54 PM   #1198
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Dear Mrs. Grayson,

I write to offer my sincere apologies for my behaviour at your guest house this past weekend. I have been under a degree of marital stress in recent days and my actions reflected a disproportionate overreaction to the discrepancies between your brochure and your fine establishment. My wife has required, I beg her pardon, requested that I write and by doing so I hope to continue our wonderful domestic bliss and not have to worry about the separation of assets.

It was unbecoming of me to describe the lovely retro décor of your reception as akin to "Hitler's bunker" or to cast doubt as to the consciousness of your charming husband. Though your brochure promised a 'lively and enthusiastic' reception, I should not have taken Mr. Grayson's pulse nor enquire as to whether any of the passing guests knew a coroner.

Your guests, particularly young couples, are entitled to enjoy themselves without restriction or condemnation, so it is with regret that I apologise for loudly enquiring as to whether number 12's wife "is as fucked as our chance of sleep tonight". Please pass my sincere apologies to all concerned.

Your 'wonderful home cooked food' was indeed a delight, and I must explain that my mimicking of a guest retching and dry heaving your delightful carrot soup all over your dining area, was a coincidental occurrence of exploring an interest in mime and amateur dramatics. That said, I should not have asked table three if his mother sucked cocks in hell and used a straw to direct the starter at high velocity. For the record, I do not believe your meals require guests to fetch "an old priest and a young priest", as I may have intimated.

Finally, I wholeheartedly apologise for the unfortunate soiling of your invoice on check-out. I accept that this was an entirely revolting and unhygienic act and I do not believe that any change was due, despite my earlier protests. I recognise that faeces does not constitute legal currency and neither does it accurately reflect the standard of your fine guest house.

I dearly hope that this puts the matter to rest, both in your home and mine.

Kind Regards,

spurious
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Old 02-18-2013, 03:58 PM   #1199
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Dear Banking Industry,

You should really come up with a better term for short sales. The current one is misleading. I'm about 7 days into the 120 days you have to either accept or reject my offer. I don't know if I'll make it to the end without going insane. Please decide soon.

Anxiously waiting.
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Old 02-18-2013, 05:35 PM   #1200
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Dear Ex Boss,

So you think that I'm harassing you for the $XX,XXX I'm trying to collect from you for work that I performed between June and September?

You don't like that state department of licensing and regulation going after you to pay up?

I tried negotiating with you to make payment on months of slow payments. You fucked me over every time by shorting my payments and not paying on the dates you promised.

I did the work you asked me to do. I did it within deadlines and exceeded performance expectations. Why is it wrong that I ... and others ... should expect to be paid?

You're a totally fucked-up fraud.
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