Old 01-17-2013, 11:39 PM   #1
amandate
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sequel idea

Hi There

I published two stories in total. None of them got good rating. I just want to find out what I could have done to improve on my story. They are at:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions

2 people wrote to tell me that I did not finish Pam's guilt. I am writing the sequel of Pam's guilt.

I wrote the first chapter of the sequel. I just want to gather some inputs before I go further. It is a draft. I haven't proof read it yet. I'm soliciting for story ideas and ways to improve the story, not necessary grammar or spelling mistakes (though I need help in that too). Appreciate that! Here it goes:

"I am taking the same flight as you. Didn't I say I will fuck you?"

That's the SMS on my phone. My brain went blank.

"What have I done? What should I do now?"

My hands were shaking. There were so many questions in my mind now. I knew this is silly, but I turned my head around to see if he was not following behind my taxi. Of course I saw a lot of cars and cannot see him.

I turned around and saw the taxi driver was looking at me through the mirror. He looked worried. I gave him a smile to assure him I was fine.

I still had the photo in my hand. I looked at the photo more closely now. It is not very clear. It must be the low light in his room. Now that I paid more attention to this photo, it is not that easy to tell it was me in the photo unless someone knew ahead of time it was me.

The angle which the photo was taken was about 60 degree behind me. Jim got to place a hidden camera in his closet. Stupid me. I fell in his traps again and again.

The angle which the photo was taken was about 60 degree behind me. Jim got to place a hidden camera in his closet. Stupid me. I fell in his traps again and again.

I turned the photo to its back. Nothing was written at the back of the photo. I checked the envelope. I saw a small piece of paper inside the envelope. I took it out and it said:

"Sorry to scare you. I haven't booked the air ticket yet but I will book it later today."

I was relief. I must have acted strangely in the last few minutes. The driver was checking me out again from the mirror.

"How much longer are we from the airport?"

"40 minutes."

I did not say anything to him again. I looked at the SMS message. My finger was hovering above the reply button. I didn't know what to say to him. I paused. I inserted the photo back to the envelope and I put the envelope back to the front zipper. I had to destroy the photo even though I know clearly that he had copies of it. I just did not want anyone else to see it.

My phone buzzed as I was in the deep thought of how to destroy it. I checked and it was Jim's SMS.

"What is your address? Can you pick me up at the airport next week?"

I immediately replied with a "NO".

"Can I have your yahoo email? Yahoo is eaiser to communicate and it is safer. Please send it to me and turn on yahoo on your phone."

I wanted to say no but his sentence about safer caught my eyes. I certainly did not want anyone to see our conversation. I replied him with my yahoo email address and then turned on the yahoo on my phone.

A few minutes later we were chatting on yahoo.

"Pam. I am joking. I could have used the photo for my advantage, but I didn't and I will not."

"Destroy it now."

"I will keep it for memory. I am looking at the photo now. Your eyes were closed. You must enjoy very much."

"Destroy it. I mean it."

"I don't want to lie to you. I could have said I have destroyed it but I just don't want to lie to you. I care about your feeling. I will keep the video safe."

"What video?" I alsmost screamed out loud. I checked the taxi driver again. He did not look at me in the mirror.

"The picture I sent you is from the video I took. I promise I will keep it safe and will not show anyone. You have my words."

I did not know what to say. I paused for a minute or so.

"I wish I can see you everyday. You are the sexiest lady I have seen lately."

I knew that's a complement.

I am always proud of me. I keep myself fit. Comparing to my earlier age, I haven't gained much weight all these years. In fact, Steve always said I look much sexier than when she first met me many years ago. I know it was a complement too but I just love complements.

"Pam, can you please promise me that when you get to the airport, please tear the photo in pieces and dump the photo in different garbage bins. I don't want anyone to see it."

I felt relief. He maybe bad but at least he cared about me.

I still did not reply his message.

"Pam I know you're not angry with me. If you're angry, you would have told Steve everything. For that I really appreciate. I maybe in pieces now if Steve knows about it."

"Ya, you better don't let him know too." That was my worry from the beginning. The first person I don't know him to know about this is Steve.

"Don't let anyone know." I quickly followed up.

"I promise. It is safe with me."

I didn't know why I did not hate the man who raped me and blackmailed me to give him oral sex. It is not because I love him or anything, but I just don't hate him. I hated how it happened. I also hated myself when I enjoyed it.

"I still have your panties."

"Please destroy it."

"I will never destroy it."

"It has your smell. Every time I smell it I remember us making love."

"You raped me."

"That was the beginning. You enjoyed it after 5 seconds of me fucking you. You moaned very loudly."

"NO."

"I am hard thinking about it. What colour of panties are you wearing now?"

"None of your business."

"I know you hated me but I also know you don't hate me now. If I were not pushing you, you will never taste a different man beside your husband."

"You raped me."

"Yes but you enjoyed it very much too. If you don't tell me what colour of the panties you're wearing, I will show the photo to Steve."

"You just told me you will not show anyone." I knew he was bluffing.

"Of course I won't show it to anyone. I have seen you naked before and I have your panties in my hand. I just want to know the colour of panties you're wearing. It is not too much to ask, isn't it?"

"You guess." I flirted.

"You are not wearing panties."

"Of course I have. It is a light yellow."

"Silk? Lacey?"

"Satin."

"Did you wear it when you were here?"

"You're crazy."

"Yes. Do you know why I am so crazy about your panties?" He continued, "It is because I saw your panties before I saw you."

He is referring to the incident happened on the first day I arrived in China. My mind wandered back to that day. I thought he was my husband and asked him to pass me my clothing and underwear while I was in the bathroom. It was an embarassing moment.

"Are you there?"

"Yes."

"You are not wearing the same panties you wore at Sam's apartment?"

Sam is another guy Steve and Jim hang out with. I went to his apartment when he threw a house warming party.

"What are you talking about?"

"You were teasing me and the guys at Sam's apartment?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I will tell you tonight when you get home."

"Tell me now."

"I will if you promise to chat with me tonight."

"Tell me now!"

"You sat on the sofa while we played cards on the floor. You were wearing a brownish dress and we can see your white panties."

"You are lying."

"No. You ask Steve next time."

"How does he know?"

"He saw it too."

"I don't believe you."

"I can ask him now. He is next door."

"No. You are crazy."

"It is Sam who saw it first and then he told me. We were checking your beautiful long legs. We saw your panties when you crossed and uncrossed your legs. I got a hard on instantly. When I turned around and I saw Steve looking at me with a develish smile on his face. You were very good in teasing."

"No!" I protested.

I remember that night the guys were playing cards on the floor. I was sitting on the sofa watching the tv. I was bored and was just flipping the tv channels. I knew something was up because I sensed that the guys keep looking at my legs. It made me rather uncomfortable. After I went to the washroom, I chose a different spot to sit to avoid the uninvited attention.

The reason why I remember it clearly is because Steve and I made love after coming back to our apartment. I remembered he was very excited by the time we got back. He rushed me into the room to make love. I did not think anything differently until now.

"You are a good teaser."

"No!"

"It is not your fault. It is because you have a long and sexy legs. When you wear dress or skirt, my eyes just can't leave your legs."

I had to admit that I never thought of my legs as sexy. I put the phone aside and looked at my own legs. I did not see anything sexy or special. It must be guy's thing.

"If you don't believe me, just try it."

"Try what?"

"Are you wearing a skirt or dress?"

"Blouse and skirt."

"When you get to the airport, take off your panties in the washroom and then tease the first guy you find him cute."

"You are crazy. We chat next time. I arrive at the airport."

"OK. Message me after you check in."

The first thing I wanted to do was to destroy the photo in my bag. I went to a washroom. I torn the photo in many smaller pieces. I threw about 1/3 of the pieces to the garbage bin in the toilet. I threw the rest in two separate garbage bins along the way. It was a relief.

The first thing I wanted to do was to destroy the photo in my bag. I went to a washroom. I torn the photo in many smaller pieces. I threw about 1/3 of the pieces to the garbage bin in the toilet. I threw the rest in two separate garbage bins along the way. It was a relief.

The airport was not too busy. I checked in and got a window seat. I went through the security check, it was very smooth. I walked passed a few duty free stores. I stopped at a perfume duty free store. I wanted to check if I can buy a Elizabeth Arden green tea perfume. I couldn't find it. When I was about to leave the store, my phone buzzed again.

"Did you take off your panties?"

It is Jim again.

"Go back to work." I commanded.

His message was annoying. The fact that he was here chatting with with me made me feel a little less lonely in this lonely place. I never like airport.

"I just want to help you."

"Help me what?"

"I want to let you know how sexy you are and how great you are in teasing."

"I told you I did not tease."

"Do you want to try?"

"Why do you care?"

"I just want to make you feel sexy and happy."

I did not reply. I found a seat close to the departure gate. There were already 70-80 people here. I sat down and checked my phone again.

"Do you find any good looking guy?"

Without hesitation, I looked up and I can't find anyone that I would consider good looking. There was a older couple sitting on the same bench as me. They are in their 50s. The guy has a big tummy. It is far from my good looking definition. I smiled.

"No."

"Anyone sitting in front of you?"

"No."

"It is too bad. I have to go for a meeting now. Online tonight. I want to chat with you."

"Will see."

"I will online tonight. Safe trip. I miss you."

He went offline. I was a little lost after he went offline. I did not hate him after what he has done to me. I had a mixed feeling. If I resisted harder, he wouldn't be able to get what he wanted in the first place. I was guilty toward Steve.

I just heard a boarding announcement. It is going to be a 7 hours flight. I wanted to go to the washroom before boarding. As I walked toward the toilet, there were two men walking toward me. They were in their late 20's at most. It looked like they are going to take the seats in front of me or my seat.

After coming out from the washroom, as I suspected, the two men took the seats in front of me. I returned to my own seat. One of the men looked at me before I sat down. He gave me a friendly smile. I returned the favour.

I placed my hand bag on my lap. I looked at the plane outside of the building. A few poeple were loading metal boxes to the plane. I day dreamed for a few minutes with no clear thought in my head. When I turned my head around and saw the young man who gave me a friendly smile was checking on me. He quickly turned his attention to his laptop. I did not know for certain that he was checking at me but the fact that he quickly turned away made him suspecious.

I remmeber the conversation with Jim on yahoo earlier. He wanted me to be a teaser just to prove his point. I hesitated but I decided to tease this man.

I started off by crossing my legs. I felt his eyes was looking at my legs and skirt. I had to admit that teasing is not something that I even thought about just weeks ago. I was nervous but at the same time felt good about myself.

My black skirt did not reveal too much of my legs. I wanted to reveal a little more. I remembered what Jim was saying about how they got to see my panties at Sam's apartment. I wanted to do that to this guy in front of me, in a subtle way. I uncrossed my legs and opened them. My thighs were open but it is covered by my handbag. Anyone beside him and his friend sitting beside him cannot see anything. From his angle, he probably couldn't see my panties.

I crossed my legs again after 20-30 seconds. I can feel that his eyes were burning holes into my skirt. I gave him an unsuspected glance and sensed that he was nervous too.

I pretended checking my phone and uncrossed my legs once again. This time around I let my thighs open wider so he could see up my skirt all the way to my yellow panties. It was making me hot. I casually rubbed my thigh with my left hand.I can feel the heat on my face. If he looked at my face now, he would have known that I showed him intentionally.

I looked up one more time to pretend checking on the boarding counter. He was pretending looking at his laptop but from his reaction, I knew that he must have seen everything I wanted to show him. I crossed my legs. I got what I wanted.
Not in a million year I could imagine what I just did. I was teasing a stranger and was aroused by it.

The rest of the trip home was rather uneventful. After the plane took off, I wanted to take a nap but my mind was too occupied with what had happened today. I eventually fell asleep and woke up when the plane was descending. I did not get home until 8pm.

2) Jim as regular online chat friend
3) Teasing
4) Husband's trip home
5) ?
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Old 01-18-2013, 03:20 PM   #2
CWatson
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Okay. The first problem with your story is that you posted in Loving Wives. There are two different demographics that go to that category: those who want to see hot marital sex and those who want to see hot extramarital sex--there's no "Cheating" category on Lit, so LW serves instead. People who want to see Pam remain faithful to Steve will 1-bomb your story for that reason alone, regardless of what they think of the rest of it. So if you want better ratings, don't post in that category.

Second, your prose is repetitive. It's not nearly as bad as some of the stuff that comes through here (often by native English speakers too; go figure), but a good 50% of your sentences are "I [this]", "I [that]", "He [this]", "We [that]", often several times in a row. This gets boring to read. You might want to try mixing up your structure a bit more.

Thirdly: so two people told you you needed to write a sequel. So what? What do they know? Here's the truth of the matter: you are the author, you have power. You should write what you want to write, and if the audience doesn't like it, well, screw them. It's not your job to please them. If you want to write a sequel, then go for it, but if you don't, don't just do it because you think it'll make some strangers happy. They're not paying you, and you don't owe them anything. Part of being a writer, especially on the Internet, is knowing when to stand up for yourself and say, No more.

Finally, as to the sequel itself: alas, I can't say much, because not much has happened. Pam's becoming more sexually liberated, but what matters is what she does with ner new-found sexuality. (Or perhaps, who she does. )

Good luck, and keep writing.
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Old 01-18-2013, 05:43 PM   #3
Bramblethorn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amandate View Post
I wrote the first chapter of the sequel. I just want to gather some inputs before I go further. It is a draft. I haven't proof read it yet. I'm soliciting for story ideas and ways to improve the story, not necessary grammar or spelling mistakes (though I need help in that too). Appreciate that! Here it goes:
One of the things you should watch for while proofreading is inconsistent tense. Some examples:

Quote:
Originally Posted by amandate View Post
That's the SMS on my phone. My brain went blank.
"That's" (that is) = present tense. "Went" = past tense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amandate View Post
I knew this is silly, but I turned my head around to see if he was not following behind my taxi. Of course I saw a lot of cars and cannot see him.
"Knew", "turned", "saw" = past tense, "is" & "cannot" = present.

etc etc - there are a lot of other bits that jump around between past and present. Pick one or the other and stick with it.
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Old 02-01-2013, 11:34 AM   #4
amandate
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Thanks for the suggestions, appreciate that!
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