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Old 01-25-2013, 11:51 AM   #26
opti1
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NaughtyIsNice View Post

Some things I found really helpful in this thread:
* We're both submissive (too true), and I'll need to take the lead - at least for now. Who knows? Maybe I'll unleash his hidden dom (a girl can hope, right?).
* Read erotica together; show him a story that really gets me going.
* Get a hotel room & change things up in a different environment.
* Talk outside the bedroom about our sex life and what I need. And find out what HE needs.
* In the bedroom, be clear about what I want. Stop hoping he'll magically figure it out.

Again, thanks for great feedback. Now I'm off to order some new lingerie.
How is this working out for you?
My wife and I got his and hers tumblr accounts. We can each post things we find sexy or interesting. It works out well, because she doesn't like to talk about things.
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:24 PM   #27
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I'm in the same boat only from a male perspective. I tried communication and games and expensive vacations. She's just not wired for it.

But it's funny we were out one night and one of the other wives paid a lot of attention to me that night. Bam suddenly my wife was all over me. And a different night we were out with some younger single people from my work. Again one of the women was paying attention to me and bam suddenly my wife couldn't get enough

He knows you love him and that you're not going to stray. So he's lazy and not worried about it like when he first tried to get you

I'm with you. A married sex life could be really fun and exciting with two people who are on the same page. You may never get him to see sex and the fun it can be like you do

Get out around new people maybe even younger single people. I find there's always sexual energy around those groups and it may wear off. Also I found that getting in shape and be active made me more sexually charged where my wife never exercises and I think those juices never get going. If you look fit and be doesn't be may start working out and getting a sex drive going
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Old 01-27-2013, 02:30 PM   #28
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I can only tell you what you what worked for husband and me, we watched a porno together and I commented on the titty slapping, how i wanted to try it.
I wanted to try other things too but was too ashamed to tell him what i was into cuz my tastes changed as i got older and wanted to experiment. I was afraid he'd think me weird or kinky.
Well he loves me so much that he does these things and is actually getting into them himself.
He said he always wanted to try a dildo strap-on for me and fuck him so ya tried that too.
We all have mentioned the "talk" and you can't get what you want without it. as i like to say "the sqweeky wheel gets oiled"
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Old 01-27-2013, 06:11 PM   #29
blulilacgrl
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Originally Posted by Wyldfire View Post

Again I reinforce, porn boards do not give you any result that can be accepted as a valid reference source. In cases of marital problems all that can be given by the members of a porn board is consolation and temptation.


<SNIP>

I am neither positive or negative in my opinion here, simply tired of watching people come here and think the advice they get is in any way valid. Call me either a troll or Devil's advocate if you wish. But I am not going to blow rainbows and bullshit up her arse. And also, before seeking help she might want to dig deeper into the family's financials.
Wow. So glad to know that my own experience (20+ years of being with my hubby, a massive shift in sexual stimulation and having to find a way to get my hubby to meet me halfway) invalidates me from helping or giving advice on this subject. After all I'm on a porn board, I obviously don't know a thing about maintaining a relationship. Oh wait! 20+ years... maybe I do....

So understanding that you think I am a complete fucking idiot and pervert, I think I'm still going to offer my advice.

Naughty,

Here's the thing you have to understand. Y'all have been together a long time and let's face it sometimes we become accustomed to things working a certain way. And yes, I can understand suddenly having your sexual preferences change. The one thing I would say is ...

1. communication, communication, communication. The one thing I have found is giving my husband specific things that I like (spanking or being tied up or even anal play~ as hypothetical examples) Saying specifically "I would really like for us to engage in spanking." I know that sounds stupid and ridiculous, but sometimes it comes down to that. Trap him in a car at night and then just talk. I have always found being out of the bedroom and in semi darkness without anywhere else to go really helps to pull the truth out of someone. Also the one thing that I said that helped make him more receptive was when i stated that I needed him. That I couldn't do this on my own and needed his help to explore this new phase in my sexuality.

2. Understand that this is a process. He will not wake up tomorrow and be a Dom. In fact it sounds like he would never be a Dom, but more a Top~ someone who engages in dominant sexual behavior not because he/she is actually a Dom/me but because that is what his/her partner desires. So given that this is not an innate personality within him, he is going to have to work at it and come around in what is sometimes a frighteningly slow process. Some of it is simply finding and being able to control his strength (my hubby was always afraid of hurting me, it took him a while to figure out his own strength and how that played against what I wanted.) But have patience and continue to communicate your needs and ask about his.

3. I know that this may sound counter productive... but encourage him to watch porn and/or read erotica. Give him a chance to explore what is out there, so to speak. It is even better if you can watch or read with him. It will allow the two of you to talk about what you found interesting or even where the line is.... "That was really...wow!... I liked the spanking aspect but I didn't like the being tied up part." Although trust me you will be the one talking in the beginning. It took a little while for my hubby to stop being shocked at what I was talking about and to begin starting the conversations on his own.

4. Reward!!! When he does something you like, TELL HIM!! Be sure to praise his initiative and his willingness to go there with and for you. And do so with more than words. You know the old adage "when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Well change that up a little, show him how happy you are. Hubby loves how cuddly I get when I am happy. In fact since he has stepped up a little, everyone says we act like teenagers but I am happy and I want him to know that.

So I guess I recommend Communication, Patience, Joint Exploration and Reward.

I hope this helps. Good Luck!!
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:21 PM   #30
MsQuote
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I've written a couple of blog posts on the topic. The keys are in understanding him, what drives him sexually, and how to talk about the subject.

Hope this helps.

Ms. Q & A: He Wants His Wife to Initiate Sex & Kink it Up

Ms. Q & A: I Want More Sex; My Husband Doesn’t
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:43 AM   #31
NaughtyIsNice
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Hi all,

I'm the OP and just want to thank you and give an update.

Things aren't perfect, but they're definitely improving. The main thing that's helped is communication. I don't know if it's men in general, or hubby in particular, but I'm needing to be crystal clear about exactly what I want from him. (And frankly, he's kinda shocked.) But he's willing, even if he's just playing along right now and I have to lead everything. I'm hoping in time he'll really "get it" and have some ideas of his own.

The second thing I've learned is that he's afraid of hurting me. He actually is quite strong, and yes, his hand leaves quite the sting. It'll take some practice, but we'll find the right level.
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:09 PM   #32
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Reading through all the advice I was also thinking "I hope she comes back to give feedback". So thanks for reporting in.
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Old 01-30-2013, 07:25 PM   #33
MsQuote
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NaughtyIsNice View Post
Hi all,

I'm the OP and just want to thank you and give an update.

Things aren't perfect, but they're definitely improving. The main thing that's helped is communication. I don't know if it's men in general, or hubby in particular, but I'm needing to be crystal clear about exactly what I want from him. (And frankly, he's kinda shocked.) But he's willing, even if he's just playing along right now and I have to lead everything. I'm hoping in time he'll really "get it" and have some ideas of his own.

The second thing I've learned is that he's afraid of hurting me. He actually is quite strong, and yes, his hand leaves quite the sting. It'll take some practice, but we'll find the right level.
Improving is great! It may seem like small steps for you, but this is a big deal. I'm happy for you!
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Old 01-30-2013, 07:42 PM   #34
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I'm so happy for you!
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Old 01-30-2013, 10:06 PM   #35
blulilacgrl
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NaughtyIsNice View Post
Hi all,

I'm the OP and just want to thank you and give an update.

Things aren't perfect, but they're definitely improving. The main thing that's helped is communication. I don't know if it's men in general, or hubby in particular, but I'm needing to be crystal clear about exactly what I want from him. (And frankly, he's kinda shocked.) But he's willing, even if he's just playing along right now and I have to lead everything. I'm hoping in time he'll really "get it" and have some ideas of his own.

The second thing I've learned is that he's afraid of hurting me. He actually is quite strong, and yes, his hand leaves quite the sting. It'll take some practice, but we'll find the right level.
That's fantastic. The one thing I would caution here is that (and forgive me if I am reading to much into this) you are looking for him to be more dominant. I would be careful about expecting too much too quickly. I would advise you to take a walk over to the BDSM forum (specifically look for Stella_Omega, look in her tagline and there are some links you can read.). There are a lot of threads devoted to the idea of Topping vs. Bottoming and Dom vs. sub.

And yes, it is all guys. [laughs] From my experience, they are not fans of ambiguity. Stating exactly what you want helps a lot at least until they are comfortable taking the reins.

Good luck and I am really glad to hear that he is willing to work with you.
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Last edited by blulilacgrl : 01-30-2013 at 10:14 PM.
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