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Old 01-27-2013, 04:49 PM   #1
RedMonkeyButt
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Honest Feedback wanted

I would like to know everyone's honest feedback on this story. linky

Non-human, and this is the first of three chapters. The second chapter should post tomorrow (the pending link has gone black and it is actually dated as being submitted tomorrow... yep, I post into the future...). I didn't have an editor on this as the story just kind of came together. I did a quick once over and then submitted. I'm hoping that doesn't show. So far, it's garnered some likes but no comments or feedback whatsoever.

Thanks in advance.
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Old 01-27-2013, 05:54 PM   #2
chocolatecookie3
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I think it has potential, but it's too top heavy for a first chapter. It was kind of boring to read the exposition about werelions and summoners, past boyfriends, etc. I know it was necessary but I wasn't super interested in who owed who what or why it was a bad idea to summon the demon. I understood that the main character didn't want to do it. I would have started with the first visitor, skip the middle, and have the Hollywood guys come and everything after. That way it jumps to the exciting part with just a little exposition.

Overall I think it is well written.
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Old 01-27-2013, 07:24 PM   #3
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I also think it has potential, but I also have some reservations about this first chapter. I think, like CC3, that I feel it's top heavy but not because of too much history. More because I felt like I was pelted with characters and information and couldn't assimilate it all. Perhaps this chapter should have been a bit longer to give you more room to work in all the background the reader needs.

Also -- a small thing, but I found it confusing to have "Ms. Jenner" and "Jenny" in such close proximity so many times. My first thought was that Jenny was actually a nickname for Ms Jenner (Jenner diminutized to Jenny).
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:41 AM   #4
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Thank you both.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chocolatecookie3 View Post
I think it has potential, but it's too top heavy for a first chapter. It was kind of boring to read the exposition about werelions and summoners, past boyfriends, etc. I know it was necessary but I wasn't super interested in who owed who what or why it was a bad idea to summon the demon. I understood that the main character didn't want to do it. I would have started with the first visitor, skip the middle, and have the Hollywood guys come and everything after. That way it jumps to the exciting part with just a little exposition.

Overall I think it is well written.
I don't know that I mentioned past boyfriends, but if it read that way I didn't mean for that to happen. What I was hoping to get across was that Rowan and Jason had a past. Now they're being thrown together again because she stopped summoning for the pride so a new pride is trying to take over.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PennLady View Post
I also think it has potential, but I also have some reservations about this first chapter. I think, like CC3, that I feel it's top heavy but not because of too much history. More because I felt like I was pelted with characters and information and couldn't assimilate it all. Perhaps this chapter should have been a bit longer to give you more room to work in all the background the reader needs.

Also -- a small thing, but I found it confusing to have "Ms. Jenner" and "Jenny" in such close proximity so many times. My first thought was that Jenny was actually a nickname for Ms Jenner (Jenner diminutized to Jenny).
Without redoing the whole thing and lengthening the story by a few chapters, I'm not sure how I could have eased the characters into it. I started at the point in the story when Rowan was going to become involved in the pride mess. I would have to go back and cover several years worth of back story to lead up to what happens in this short bit. I think I'll leave that for later in the year...

I hadn't thought about the similar names. The good thing is I don't think her last name is used at all through the rest of the story, and Jenny isn't mentioned much either. Short of more infodumping, though, I didn't know how to explain that a lesser lion would not address the summoner by her first name. *shrug*


I realize it would take a considerable amount to bring this from an info dump to a more spread-out chapter. Thank you for the input.
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Last edited by RedMonkeyButt : 01-28-2013 at 12:48 AM.
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Old 01-28-2013, 01:27 AM   #5
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Advice from an impatient reader: if it doesn't move the story forward, or it's not needed for character development or scene-setting, leave it out. Elmore Leonard says it takes him 4 pages of rough draft to come up with one finished page - not that we all should write like Elmore Leonard, but his books do move along at a nice clip.

I didn't get far enough into the story to encounter the backstory others mentioned. Backstory is tricky. Sometimes you can work it in as you go, rather than dropping it all in one big load.

The grammar of this sentence caught my eye. I'm no english major but it looks like the tense changes.

Quote:
I stood up and dusted the sand off my jeans, walking up and grabbing his halter before the horse could bolt as the man obliviously opened the gate and walked through it.
I'm sure an editor would have caught that, but a better solution might have been to tighten up the sentence, leaving out unnecessary details (like the sand on her jeans.) It would also create more tension if the man opened the gate first, causing a momentary crisis for the protag to solve. This would also justify her pissy mood, which was a turn off for me. (It's not a guy thing - pissy guys annoy me just as much as pissy women. )

Without an editor, I think you, or anyone for that matter, needs more than a quick once over before posting a first draft as a finished draft. At least give it a few days and then come back and take a fresh look. Also, budget enough time to fix things during your "once over". The urge to post a fresh story can sometimes make us impatient and unwilling to be objective about our work.

Nitpicking, I know, but that's what you asked for.

(I'm on my sixth "once-over" for the contest story I was planning on submitting two days ago. )

Last edited by DeeZire : 01-28-2013 at 01:34 AM.
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Old 01-28-2013, 01:51 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DeeZire View Post

Without an editor, I think you, or anyone for that matter, needs more than a quick once over before posting a first draft as a finished draft. At least give it a few days and then come back and take a fresh look. Also, budget enough time to fix things during your "once over". The urge to post a fresh story can sometimes make us impatient and unwilling to be objective about our work.

Nitpicking, I know, but that's what you asked for.

(I'm on my sixth "once-over" for the contest story I was planning on submitting two days ago. )
The nitpicking is the reason I don't wait a few days and then look it over. If I did that, I would never submit a story. I'm one of those overly-critical-of-my-own-stuff types. I've done the wait a week and then read it again, and tore the story to pieces. That was last year and it's still not going to be submitted any time soon.

I'm also horrible about not wanting to ask too much of an editor. Of the last 7 or so stories I've submitted I've sent 2 to an editor. Both of those are part of longer series than this little three-chapter napkin story.
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The FAWCking authors have been revealed! Did you guess them right?
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