Old 01-25-2013, 09:16 AM   #8501
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Ok, this is bad, haha

A Problem of Problems

A young couple decided to wed.

As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.

Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.

"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.

That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.

Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
 

Old 01-26-2013, 05:15 AM   #8502
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Here's an old one....

An Italian girl just got married. Being poor she and her groom had to live with her mother. On their first night they went upstairs to consummate their marriage while the mother made dinner.
Up in the room the groom removed his shirt. Seeing all of the hair on his chest the girl ran down to her mother.
"Ma ma, Ma ma! He has ah hair all over ah his back!" (not easy to type a fake Italian accent)
Mama just keeps stirring the sauce, "It's ah ok child. Go back up to him."

The girl got back upstairs to see that her groom had removed his pants. Seeing all of the hair on his legs she ran downstairs.
"Mama Mama! He has ah hair all over ah his legs ah."
Mama just keeps stirring the sauce, "It's ah ok child. Go back up to him."

The girl went back upstairs to see that her groom had removed his socks and shoes. When she saw that one of his feet had been cut in half she ran down to her mama.
"Mama Mama!! He has ah foot and ah half!"
Mama handed her the spoon.
"Ok girl. You stir the spaghetti, I'm ah goin' upstairs!"
 

Old 01-26-2013, 02:01 PM   #8503
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Anniversary

A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Australia."

His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"

The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."
 

Old 01-27-2013, 05:54 PM   #8504
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EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

* Pasta had not been invented.
* Curry was an almost unknown entity except for ex servicemen.
* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet
* Spices came from the Middle East where we believed that they were used for embalming
* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.
* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
* Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
* The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage, anything else was regarded with suspicion.
* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.
* Soft drinks were called pop.
* Coke was something that we mixed with coal to make it last longer.
* A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.
* Oil was for lubricating your bike not for cooking, fat was for cooking
* Bread and jam was a treat.
* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves, not bags.
* The tea cosy was the forerunner of all the energy saving devices that we hear so much about today.
* Tea had only one colour, black. Green tea was not British.
* Coffee was only drunk when we had no tea... and then it was Camp, and came in a bottle.
* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.
* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.
* Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist
* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.
* Soup was a main meal.
* The menu consisted of what we were given, and was set in stone.
* Only Heinz made beans, there were no others.
* Leftovers went in the dog, never in the bin.
* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.
* Sauce was either brown or red.
* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.
* Fish and chips was always wrapped in old newspapers, and definitely tasted better that way.
* Frozen food was called ice cream.
* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.
* Ice cream only came in one flavour, vanilla.
* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
* Jelly and blancmange was strictly party food.
* Healthy food had to have the ability to stick to your ribs.
* Indian restaurants were only found in India .
* Cheese only came in a hard lump.
* A bun was a small cake that your Mum made in the oven.
* Eating out was called a picnic.
* Cooking outside was called camping.
* Eggs only came fried, scrambled or boiled.
* Hot cross buns were only eaten at Easter time.
* Pancakes were only eaten on Shrove Tuesday - and on that day it was compulsory.
* Cornflakes had recently arrived from America but it was obvious that they would never catch on.
* We bought milk and cream at the same time; in the same bottle.
* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
* Prunes were purely medicinal.
* Muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.
* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.
* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
* We didn't eat Croissants in those days because we couldn't pronounce them, we couldn't spell them and we didn't know what they were.
* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour bread.
* Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging treble for it they would have become a laughing stock.
* Food hygiene was only about washing your hands before meals.
* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning."
However, the one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties ..
ELBOWS!
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Old 01-27-2013, 07:38 PM   #8505
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Some good shit HP
Thank you
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Old 01-27-2013, 07:50 PM   #8506
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Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

* Pasta had not been invented.
*
.
.
.

* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning."
However, the one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties ..
ELBOWS!
This confirms the facts that there are thousands of ways to ruin food...

...and the English know them all.
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:07 AM   #8507
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

* Pasta had not been invented.
* Curry was an almost unknown entity except for ex servicemen.
* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet
* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower....
I didn't enter the world until 1960 and did so stateside. No way for me to know if you list is true nor do I have a way to compare/contrast it to how things were across the pond. Still, absolutely fascinating! Thanks for sharing!
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:09 AM   #8508
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Kind of sick

Bad News, Good News, Great News

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
 

Old 01-28-2013, 10:41 AM   #8509
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BuckyDuckman View Post
I didn't enter the world until 1960 and did so stateside. No way for me to know if you list is true nor do I have a way to compare/contrast it to how things were across the pond. Still, absolutely fascinating! Thanks for sharing!
More:

Sweets and other things were still rationed in the early 1950s.

19 May 1950 - rationing ended for canned and dried fruit, chocolate biscuits, treacle, syrup, jellies and mincemeat.

September 1950 - rationing ended for soap

3 October 1952 - Tea rationing ended

February 1953 - Sweet and sugar rationing ends

4 July 1954 - Food rationing ends


School meals were filling. Suet pudding, tapioca, Jam Roly Poly and Spotted Dick were for dessert. If you weren't full after that you probably had a tape-worm...

Schools provided one third of a pint of free milk for each pupil every school day - until Mrs Thatcher (milk-snatcher) stopped the free issue.

Orange juice and malt were provided by NHS Health Clinics for children.

Liquorice was a stringy piece of twig that you chewed.
 

Old 01-28-2013, 01:24 PM   #8510
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After we finished building our snowman, I said to my son: "Let's give him a name. A snowman has got to have a name. What shall we call him?"

"Can we name him after your boss, dad?" came the surprising reply.

"Why do you want to name him after Kev?"

"Because he's sat there doing fuck all."

Good lad.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:35 PM   #8511
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Be Politically Correct With Men

He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.

He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.

He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.

He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.

He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.

He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
 

Old 01-29-2013, 08:36 PM   #8512
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Be Politically Correct With Women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
 

Old 01-30-2013, 05:16 AM   #8513
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Movies are so unrealistic these days.
The hero's using his computer to access the Alien ships' systems and not once has it asked if you want to upgrade Adobe.
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Old 01-30-2013, 05:17 AM   #8514
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Life should be more like hockey.
When someone pisses you off you just beat the shit out of him and spend the next five minutes in the Penalty Box.
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Old 01-30-2013, 05:59 AM   #8515
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
Movies are so unrealistic these days.
The hero's using his computer to access the Alien ships' systems and not once has it asked if you want to upgrade Adobe.
I love that idea. Good one HP.
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:00 AM   #8516
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Life should be more like hockey.
When someone pisses you off you just beat the shit out of him and spend the next five minutes in the Penalty Box.
This one even more. Haha
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Old 01-30-2013, 07:25 AM   #8517
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"I brought my new girlfriend to meet the family last Sunday.
The wife went absolutely mental"
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Old 01-30-2013, 07:27 AM   #8518
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"I remember when I started dating my wife, I used to get all excited and aroused just watching her eat a banana.
After 20 years of marriage to her, I can only get excited at the thought of her choking on it."
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Old 01-31-2013, 08:35 AM   #8519
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I recently met my new neighbor:

She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her condo from my deck.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

This being a senior citizen sucks!!!
 

Old 01-31-2013, 08:37 AM   #8520
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I recently met my new neighbor:

She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her condo from my deck.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
This being a senior citizen sucks!!!
You know, I'm sure there's a plot bunny hiding there somewhere
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Old 01-31-2013, 08:42 AM   #8521
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I had this sexy girl, flat on her back outside a club last night.
We were locking lips, it was getting passionate and hot, then some people started to gather around and watch.

To put on a show, I thought I'd slip a few fingers into her fanny while I gently kissed her neck.

That's when her boyfriend said, "You don't know CPR, do you?"
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Old 01-31-2013, 08:49 AM   #8522
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phantom4533 View Post
I recently met my new neighbor:

She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her condo from my deck.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

This being a senior citizen sucks!!!
Good one! Reminds me of this oldie:

Man #1: I need to find a new girl
Man #2: What happened to the girl you were seeing?
Man #1: She finally bought blinds.

Which reminds of this oldie:

Two nuns living in a convent were told by Mother Superior paint their room in anticipation of a visit from the Bishop.

Not wanting to risk getting any paint on their habits, the two nuns decided to undress while painting in the privacy of their room. Midway through the job, they heard a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called the first nun.

"The blind man," called the male voice from the other side of the door.

The two sisters exchanged a look. Before heading to the door, the second sister shrugs and says, "Well, if he's blind, it shouldn't matter." She swings open the door to the man.

"Nice tits," said the blind man has he handed over their new window blinds.


Which reminds of THIS one:

A nun was taking a shortcut back to the convent through the park when a man jumped out of the bushes, grabbed her and raped her. When he was done, he realized he had just fucked a nun. Being a godless man, he smirks and asks the nun, "What are you going to tell the sisters when you get back to the convent?"

The nun looks up at him and says, "The truth. That I took a shortcut through the park and man grabbed me and raped me twice... unless you're tired."
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Old 01-31-2013, 07:10 PM   #8523
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From the convent:

Who left the the toilet seat up in the the Mother Superior's lavatory ?
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Old 02-01-2013, 09:00 AM   #8524
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It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.

"Honey," he continued, "What would the neighbours think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

His wife thought for a moment, then replied, "That I married you for your money!"
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Old 02-01-2013, 11:04 AM   #8525
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,429
Bra Shopping

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"<

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
 
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