Old 01-17-2013, 07:23 AM   #8476
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A policeman knocked on my door tonight and said, "Your wife has been involved in a fatal accident."

"What happened?" I asked.

He said, "She had a head on crash with a lorry and it took 12 firefighters to get her out of the car. We will need you to come with us to confirm it is your wife."

I said, "There's no point, if it took 12 firefighters to get her out of the car then it's definitely my wife."
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Old 01-17-2013, 07:26 AM   #8477
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Strange Quotes:

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see it shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. - Tim Allen

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. - Rita Rudner

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked... - Bill Cosby

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler
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Old 01-17-2013, 07:27 AM   #8478
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The wife's mum popped round for a visit today, and as it was very icy outside I offered to park up for her.

"Don't be such a patronizing arsehole. I'm quite capable, thank you." She said, as she propped it up in the broom cupboard with the others.
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Old 01-17-2013, 07:30 AM   #8479
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Confessions of a Husband:


He:
"What's wrong Now ?"

She:
"After all this time of being married,, you should know what's on my mind".

He:
"I do, but that doesn't help.
I hate shopping, shoes , soaps and TV chat shows, and I already know that I can be seen as annoying."
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Old 01-17-2013, 07:31 AM   #8480
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I was waiting to get served at the bar when I felt a hand gently squeezing my groin.

"Buy me a drink and I'll suck your cock," a seductive voice whispered in my ear.

I sighed, "You've spent all your money on prostitutes again, haven't you, Colin.
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Old 01-18-2013, 06:46 AM   #8481
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New Women's Study

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..

10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
 

Old 01-18-2013, 08:03 AM   #8482
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Ronald decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf clubs for his Saturday game.

His wife was watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit playing so much golf.

"Maybe you should sell your clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club so you can spend more time with me. We could shop together or garden together or just spend some nice, quiet time together."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”For a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't “
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Old 01-18-2013, 03:41 PM   #8483
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If you really like good humour, get a load of this:

And it's not the only one
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Old 01-18-2013, 03:44 PM   #8484
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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ...
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Old 01-19-2013, 05:19 PM   #8485
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We've all seen strange , not to say peculiar or illogical, complaints or remarks, but these are absolute classic; if only because they're English.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their UK clientèle genuine complaints.


1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store in Indian villages does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant.
This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."



They walk amongst us and they inadvertently breed!!!
Be afraid! Be very afraid!
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Old 01-21-2013, 09:01 AM   #8486
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ABC's of ex girlfriends

A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
 

Old 01-21-2013, 09:20 AM   #8487
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An old man was walking along the seaside one day.
The sun was warm and the breeze off the ocean was cool and soothing.
The people sunning on the warm sand looks so calm and peaceful.

"I should do that," the old man said to himself.
"You don't have a bathing suit," his brain replied.

He walked on down the beach until he came to the end.
Looking around, he found himself alone.

"I could sun here without a suit," he said to himself.
"Right," his brain replied.

He stripped down and dug himself a nice comfortable seat in the sand.
He sat down and relaxed with a contented sigh.

"This is nice," he said to himself.
"There is a cop headed this way," his brain replied.

The old man looks around. He has nowhere to hide.
He picks up his hat and lays it over his lap.

"Good thinking," his brain says.

The cop gives him a hard look but walks on by.
Just in case the cop comes back, he leaves the hat over his lap.

A little later, a woman walks by, stops a few steps past and looks back.
"If you were a gentleman, you would tip your hat."

"If you didn't make such an ugly woman, officer, my hat would have tipped itself." the old man replied.
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Ch. 15 04/02/14 Group Ch. 16 04/09/14 Group Ch. 17 04/15/14 Group Ch. 18 04/23/14 Group


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Old 01-21-2013, 07:04 PM   #8488
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Dirty Johnny walked in on his Mom and Dad having sex. They were so engaged, they didn't notice him standing there and staring until after mom got hers and dad got his. That's when they saw Dirty Johnny standing there wide eyes. He ran from the room and Mom said to Dad, "You need to find him and say something to him. We may have scarred him."

Reluctantly, Dad gets out of bed, gets dressed and goes off in search of his son. He finds his son in Grandma's room, giving Grandma ALL the business with his high and hard one. "What the hell are you doing?" Dad bellows.

Dirty Johnny rolls his eyes and says, "Oh sure, it's fine when it's my Mom, but when it's YOUR Mom it's suddenly wrong."
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Old 01-21-2013, 07:54 PM   #8489
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AN IRISH GHOST STORY This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.


~~~~~~~~~~~~



John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.


John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.


Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.


Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....



Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
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Old 01-22-2013, 07:28 AM   #8490
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Sent to me

IF YOU SUBSCRIBE TO POLITICAL CORRECTNESS, BEST YOU DON’T READ THIS.

I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.”I told him “I wish I had your will power..”


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said “sorry about the wait.” I said “don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.”


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.A man asks him “What's wrong?”The boy says “Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus” the man says “Do you want me to callFather O' Riley for you ?”The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ........ I'm going to have that.


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there."


I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question ........ which I got wrong. The question was ‘Where do women have the curliest hair ?’ Apparently the correct answer was Fiji .


A woman has a medical at the Doctors; “you are grossly overweight” he says.”I want a 2nd opinion”, she exclaimed ” OK- you're bloody ugly as well”
 

Old 01-22-2013, 02:47 PM   #8491
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Dad, sat in front of the TV concentrating on the Game, as young Son approaches and whines:
"Dad, I'm hungry."

Dad, being less than impressed by this trivial interruption says: "Go ask your Mother in the Kitchen."

"But she's not in the kitchen."

Suddenly Dad realises the seriousness of the situation.
"She's WHAT?"
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Old 01-22-2013, 04:37 PM   #8492
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How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?






Blondes don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in Jacuzzis.


Old, but still funny.
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Old 01-22-2013, 04:49 PM   #8493
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JackLuis View Post
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Blondes don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in Jacuzzis.


Old, but still funny.
You're right and this one is probably just as old:

Q: What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
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Old 01-23-2013, 07:33 AM   #8494
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The Amazing Footless Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day
 

Old 01-23-2013, 08:30 AM   #8495
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
The Amazing Footless Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day



I absolutely love it, DG!

(Thanks for the laugh.)
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Old 01-23-2013, 11:42 AM   #8496
DG Hear
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She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching rail. As she stood there,
brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey, old woman! Have you ever danced?"

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. . . never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.

The old woman prospector, not wanting to get her toes blown off, started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping hole of those twin Barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, ma'am . . . but . . . I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for all of us here.

1 - Never be arrogant..
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.
 

Old 01-24-2013, 06:25 PM   #8497
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Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
 

Old 01-24-2013, 06:35 PM   #8498
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http://images.search.yahoo.com/searc...t+cold+weather
 

Old 01-25-2013, 08:43 AM   #8499
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After a long night of making love, Danny rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked Sheila if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at is ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Sheila replied, "That's me before the operation."
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Old 01-25-2013, 09:12 AM   #8500
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Anyone Here

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..."
 
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