Do You Consider This D/s?

[NiceFriendlyGuy]

I'd like to get a few outside opinions as to whether or not what I desire would be considered within the definition of D/s.

First, I'm a pretty shy, meek guy, and couldn't sustain the "Dom" role 24/7 or anything even close to it. So I can't see D/s being a "lifestyle," which it appears it is for some.

Ideally, I'd like to have a long-term relationship with a woman who is intelligent, strong, informed, opinionated, capable of taking care of herself. On the outside she is beautiful, shy, demure, well-dressed without being revealing. Her family, friends, and co-workers would not suspect her submissive desires. We would have a relationship of equals, would be best friends, and be madly in love. We both would enjoy cuddling, caressing, and lovemaking.

But. Inside of me there is a desire to be aggressive, a Mr. Hyde of sorts that needs to fuck a woman rough and hard. Spank her, pull her hair, pound into her from behind; tie her hands behind her back, push her to her knees, and grab her by the hair and watch her pleasure me with her mouth; tie her spreadeagled on the bed and torment her with my mouth and fingers, denying her orgasm until she is crying and begging for release, then bringing her off and watching her explode.

She loves every bit of it, because inside of her is my complement, a woman who derives pleasure from being used like a fucktoy, from sensing his animalistic need and having him take her, use her for his pleasure.

I'm curious, this woman and I, were I to be so lucky to find her, are we D/s, or just a couple that enjoys a little rough sex? Can it be said that I am seeking a "submissive," or would most if not all women who identify themselves as "submissive" not consider me what they are looking for?

[satindesire]

No one can define what D/s is but you and your partner.

You may not identify as a Dominant, but perhaps a Top instead, and from what I've seen Tops usually keep most of their D/s in the bedroom, for s's and g's instead of as an entire lifestyle.

Once you stop worrying about if you're "hardcore" enough to be part of the kinky crowd, you'll see that whatever you do, within the realms of consent of course, is fine, and no one can tell you but you if you're Dominant or not.

[Stella_Omega]

I think you know exactly what you want and that is a good start!

I agree with Cutiemouse,what you describe here is more like a top. Read the essay in my sig, it might be helpful to you.

[Sir_Winston54]

satindesire is spot on, especially with her advice to "stop worrying about if you're 'hardcore' enough to be part of the kinky crowd," and whether *other* people would consider what you do to be D/s. What do you care what *they* think? It's what you and your partner(s) think that matters.

And Stella's spot on, as well, when she suggests you read the essay linked in her sig. The few minutes you spend doing that may very well give you a much more thorough understanding of who and what you are, and how you want to do the things you want (and need?) to do.

My advice? Pop up a few threads here in the Talk forum and scan through the Library for topics that ring a little bell in your mind, and see what other people have to say about them, and what they make you think and feel. Then read some more current threads here in Talk, contribute your $0.02 when you feel that you have something to contribute (either questions, answers, or just observations), and make yourself part of a pretty awesome freaking community. I've been here for going on nine years now, and *nowhere* on the 'net found a brighter, more helpful group of people involved in the BDSM culture than the folks here.

Welcome, and good luck to you in your journey!

[satindesire]

Originally Posted by Stella_Omega

I think you know exactly what you want and that is a good start!

I agree with Cutiemouse,what you describe here is more like a top. Read the essay in my sig, it might be helpful to you.

I'm not cutiemouse, but thanks anyway

[Foxyrox]

It's so interesting you say that. I'm an independent girl and want to be in a relationship where we are equal and do the usual thing as u describe.

But deep down (and this only extends to the bedroom) I want my man to use me as his fucktoy. To put me on my knees and hold my hair as he forces me to suck him whilst talking dirty to me. To tie me up and put me where he wants me and do to me what he wants and "punish" me for being a naughty girl. Although I don't like hardcore physical pain, I like it rough and the idea that im there for his own pleasure. But I think it's difficult for a guy to do that to the girl he is in a relationship with. I've hinted these things to my partner and we talk dirty through texts and these scenarios come up and i love it but they don't seem to translate to real life in the bedroom.

I ask the same thing as to whether what I am describing is a "dominant" although it seems "top" may be a better representation of what I describe.

[NiceFriendlyGuy]

Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful responses, they have been tremendously helpful.

I'm not one to be too worried about labels. But I am on this site to get to know women, and perhaps be so lucky as to meet someone with whom to have a relationship. So, I wanted to be sure that I didn't use terms incorrectly or post to the wrong threads or look for like-minded individuals in the wrong forum.

Stella Omega's essay was extremely helpful. I tend to intellectualize things, so that essay was exactly what I needed to help understand myself and the terms. It hadn't occurred to me to distinguish between roles and activities, nor to think of what I wanted to be for a woman service rather than dominance. I really like the term 'service top' and think that is precisely what I aspire to be. So while I think a descriptive narrative is most useful in terms of helping others understand myself and what I'm after, I nevertheless like that I have hit upon a better term with which to identify.

[Stella_Omega]

I've hinted these things to my partner and we talk dirty through texts and these scenarios come up and i love it but they don't seem to translate to real life in the bedroom.

Betcha it's because he doesn't feel competent to do it-- Everything has to be perfect the very first time, you know.

Many times, your first job is to help him work through his fear of learning shit.

[Sir_Winston54]

Originally Posted by Stella_Omega

Betcha it's because he doesn't feel competent to do it-- Everything has to be perfect the very first time, you know.

Many times, your first job is to help him work through his fear of learning shit.

This ^^^^

Stella's scarily bright sometimes