Old 01-12-2013, 12:14 PM   #1
ccbelle
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Go on, be honest...

...even if it's a brutal!

I've been a lurker on the site for some years now, and finally took the plunge and decided to write my own stories.

I write under non-consent which might not be your thing; if it is, or if you fancy just giving some critique it would be amazing if you could have a little read through and let me know your thoughts.

Goldilocks hasn't done as well as Short Cut's, although it was a true story.

I myself feel it's much weaker but I can't really put my finger on why...

I'm waffling on a bit now, but as I said written feedback even if not positive is really valued as this is new to me I'm conscious there is still a lot for me to learn!

Thanks in advance, CCx

http://www.literotica.com/s/short-cuts
http://www.literotica.com/s/goldilocks-2
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Old 01-12-2013, 12:38 PM   #2
lovecraft68
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Okay, I will be honest

The first one is straight up rape. Shouldn't be here.

at the end she is slapped in the face. Abuse is not allowed here. example

Mark grabbed my hair again pulling me upright, spinning me round then back down onto my knees in front of him and slapped me round the face once more for good pleasure, before furiously wanking himself and shooting another load of cum all over my face.

Sinking to the floor crying, I heard their laughing and footsteps fading away into the darkness.


There is no consent whatsoever in this story. That is against the rules but its not your fault, because it should have been rejected.

another prime example of how seriously this site takes its own rules.
Tried to edit this and am quoting myself, ah glitches.
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Old 01-12-2013, 01:23 PM   #3
ccbelle
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That's the kind of thing that's important for me to understand. It could have ended as it being her partner and it was a fantasy they had planned together.

I didn't want a sugary sweet ending but I had intended the story to seem as if he wasn't a stranger to her...

Ta, C
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Old 01-12-2013, 01:27 PM   #4
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I'll give it a go

First of all, I like reading non-con/reluctance stories, but I'm not a fan of the real rapey type of stories. I prefer those where a person is manipulated into a situation where sex is an option to avoid even more dire consequences. Your two stories don't fit into either category. Rather, they are both examples of the female fantasy of loss of control. Personally, I don't get that fantasy, but I have talked to enough women to know that it is real and not entirely uncommon. I imagine, therefore, that your stories are going to have more appeal to female readers than male. I mention this so you will understand my bias from the outset.

The stories are short enough that I was able to read them both fairly quickly. Between the two, I would have to say that I liked "Short Cuts" better. There's more showing and less telling in that one. Also, the male characters are much more developed than in "Goldilocks." If you were trying to portray Mark and Jimmy as a pair of Cockney thugs, then you hit the nail on the head as far as I can tell. You also do a good job of describing the unnamed female character's emotional roller coaster as she rides out the waves of terror and desire that are at the center of the story. This is done much more effectively in "Short Cuts" than in "Goldilocks."

You do a good job of putting words together to create vivid sentences. But the overall effect of your storytelling is hindered by punctuation problems. Here are a few examples:

Quote:
"If you're sure love, look after yourself, I wouldn't let my daughter walk home from here."
This should have been two sentences, with a period after "yourself."

Quote:
It had been a long day and night; I hadn't actually been in my bed for nearly 2 days through a combination of working and playing too hard.
Here, you properly used the semi-colon, but "2" should have been spelled out.

Quote:
It's been developed lots through my life, but its bloodline the smoggy, dirty ancient architecture, cobbled streets and tunnels formed by the old trade train tracks.
This sentence is just awkward. I think a word is missing somewhere.

Quote:
I don't know why, that particular part of London history always fascinated me.
Either take out the comma, or insert "but" immediately after it.

This looks nit-picky, and to a certain extent, it is. I wouldn't bother to mention these matters if they weren't so pervasive. What I have included here is merely the tip of the iceberg. An otherwise good story is hobbled by an inattention to proper punctuation. Next time, either spend more time editing, or better yet, obtain the services of a volunteer editor to help you weed out these flaws from an otherwise enjoyable story.

You write well, and with just a little more polish "Short Cuts" could have been a real gem. Not many authors manage to tell an engaging story in a single page. You succeeded at doing that.

"Goldilocks", however, felt underdeveloped to me. All I got from it was, "no" doesn't necessarily mean "no" with this girl. If that was your intent, then the fact that I found it distasteful is more of a reflection on me than it is on the story. If it wasn't your intent, then the story needs more work.

All in all, you're on the right track. Keep writing, and get an editor to help you with punctuation. You're not too far from hitting the mark.
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Old 01-12-2013, 02:07 PM   #5
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ccbelle - Coming from the male perspective, I didn't like either one, although both were arousing. How does that work? Animal instincts versus humanity. I don't like assholes, and in both stories, the guys were assholes. (I hate it when assholes win. It reminds me too much of politics. LOL.) The arousing part was the sex itself, although in both stories, the sex was unrealistic. (Most guys don't cum twice in five minutes.) Unrealistic sex may be arousing to the wankers, but it takes me out of the story. I prefer realism, but that's just my taste. I appear to be an outlier here in the LIT community.

Grammar and punctuation were distracting. An editor, or self editing would help. Put the story away for a week and then come back to it fresh and read it out loud.

I'm not very familiar with the non con category, (even though I write non con scenes occasionally) but I prefer it when the woman is seduced, or tricked into sex, rather than raped. If loss of control is your thing, you could create a scenario where a woman loses a bet or she's getting initiated into a sorority and is required to screw some guy she doesn't know. At least then, when she realizes she's enjoying it, I don't have to be upset because the asshole won. In fact, in that scenario, the first guy could be so nervous, he can't get it up, which would elicit sympathy from the woman, who, by now, is dying to get fucked. (In front of everybody.)

I gave both your stories a 5.

(If you write a scenario like I suggested, PM me, so I can read it. Thanks.)

One last suggestion, which addresses a problem I also have when writing sex scenes. The moment of orgasm goes by too quickly. See if there's a way to draw it out. As written, it takes about 4 seconds. In reality, it would last longer than that, sometimes a lot longer.

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Old 01-12-2013, 02:47 PM   #6
sr71plt
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The moment of orgasm goes by too quickly. See if there's a way to draw it out. As written, it takes about 4 seconds. In reality, it would last longer than that, sometimes a lot longer.
Ah, you think a man's orgasm takes more than 4 seconds? You haven't been watching Jay Leno's monologues, have you?

Your description of the two men as both assholes almost makes me want to read the stories. I'm getting sooo tired of people needing characters they can like.
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Old 01-12-2013, 07:33 PM   #7
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Ah, you think a man's orgasm takes more than 4 seconds? You haven't been watching Jay Leno's monologues, have you? ...
It was the woman's orgasm that appeared to last only 4 seconds, but, to be fair, all the action was written that way, not just the woman's orgasm. (Both of ccbelle's stories are written from the female POV.)

Personally, I like writing about sexually inept male characters who have no clue that it's possible to extend the sex act beyond the required 4 seconds. (Real life versus fantasy.) When my Mr Edwards series posts, I'll PM you.
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Old 01-12-2013, 08:02 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by DeeZire View Post
It was the woman's orgasm that appeared to last only 4 seconds, but, to be fair, all the action was written that way, not just the woman's orgasm. (Both of ccbelle's stories are written from the female POV.)

Personally, I like writing about sexually inept male characters who have no clue that it's possible to extend the sex act beyond the required 4 seconds. (Real life versus fantasy.) When my Mr Edwards series posts, I'll PM you.
Oh, my male characters usually take the sex act a good thirty or forty-five minutes. But then I write fiction.
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Old 01-12-2013, 10:41 PM   #9
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It was the woman's orgasm that appeared to last only 4 seconds, but, to be fair, all the action was written that way, not just the woman's orgasm. ....
I just had a "duh" moment. If a scene starts out in real time, shouldn't it stay there? In Short Cut, the beginning of the scene is in real time - she's walking through the construction zone, she gets accosted. When the sex starts, it switches to compressed time, which creates the illusion of the woman's 4 second orgasm, and the guy cumming twice in five minutes. Granted, it would turn a short story into a longer one if the sex scenes remained in real time, but it would make the story more believable. I wonder if there might be a way to cheat - part of the sex is in real time, transitions move the action forward to other real time sections? I have noticed in mainstream fiction, scenes are either in real time, or they're followed by sections of exposition that move the action forward.

I too suffer from the real time/compressed time dilemma. It's funny how the deeper you get into writing, the more you realize you have to learn.
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Old 01-12-2013, 11:01 PM   #10
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I just had a "duh" moment. If a scene starts out in real time, shouldn't it stay there?
No, it needn't do that. Either speeding, or, more typically, slowing time for a sequence is an old film technique. But it can be used in fiction too--it should should be clearly marked off for the reader.
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Old 01-13-2013, 12:08 AM   #11
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No, it needn't do that. Either speeding, or, more typically, slowing time for a sequence is an old film technique. But it can be used in fiction too--it should should be clearly marked off for the reader.
That's what I was talking about - transitions. "What happened next was a blur..." Now the reader knows the time speeds up.
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Old 01-13-2013, 12:11 AM   #12
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That's what I was talking about - transitions. "What happened next was a blur..." Now the reader knows the time speeds up.
Or just section markings. It's the same you'd do for a dream sequence or a flashback.
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Old 01-13-2013, 10:08 AM   #13
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The rapey one seems allowable to me because she seems to like it. That said, it is a really abrupt jump into the action (says the girl who doesn't like to write a lot of build up)! You mentioned that she might know the guy? I didn't get that at all from the story. Maybe making that more clear would soften the rape.

I liked both of them, though. I think a lot of women have that type of fantasy. You could make them longer by adding more description to each part of the action. Break each act into more than one sentence!
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Old 01-13-2013, 03:14 PM   #14
lovecraft68
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The rapey one seems allowable to me because she seems to like it. That said, it is a really abrupt jump into the action (says the girl who doesn't like to write a lot of build up)! You mentioned that she might know the guy? I didn't get that at all from the story. Maybe making that more clear would soften the rape.

I liked both of them, though. I think a lot of women have that type of fantasy. You could make them longer by adding more description to each part of the action. Break each act into more than one sentence!
So if you know your rapist, it softens things? That's interesting because in r/l many women do know their attacker and somehow that does not lesson the crime to her or to the judges.

But the thing to note here is that rape stories are allegedly not allowed her, but if I were a new author and saw a section called "non-consent" then I would assume they are as the OP obviously did.

Just proves my longstanding point that Laurel should either stop pretending she doesn't want these stories or make an effort to actually screen the stories here.

This is a new author and supposedly their stories are looked at a little more closely. The one I read here couldn't be more than 2500k and the last paragraph that I copied and pasted tells you all you need to know, the OP certainly is not disguising anything.

Now if the girl in the story mentioned she had a once thought she almost saw someone who knew someone who jerked off at the age of 16 then we would have a problem
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Old 01-14-2013, 05:10 AM   #15
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There were some positive aspects, too

I agree with most of your critics of Short Cuts. That kind of rape story doesn't easily turn on anybody but a stupid rapist; a class of people that has no esthetic value.
You seem to hint that the protagonist is somewhat auto destructive. The talk about Jack the Ripper is perhaps too obvious to be interesting. If you could underline a little bit more her sexual frustration; she can't find a partner in the night club and her obsession is to walk alone at the night. You can build some tension in the story. If the protagonist is not aware that she is looking for a trouble, but the reader understands it clearly, you reach something that is called romantic irony.
I would make the brutes somewhat more humane. They might threat the girl of violation, but because they are afraid of troubles they would like to let the girl go. But the girl might be turned on and would insist to be taken by force. I know it is an old cliché, but with skill that kind of turn can be made interesting.
An example of what I mean can be found in this film, where actors Isela Vega and Kris Kristofferson have a magnificent dialogue without words. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-1Hal_xhCA
You are a visual writer and I think that it is you strongest asset. I like the impressionism of your narration. I think you should turn some degrees from naturalism to impressionism in order to make your story more interesting.
Of course these are just suggestions, but I hope that another perspective to your story is what you are looking for.

Sorry, English is not my mother tongue.
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Old 01-17-2013, 07:36 AM   #16
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xxx's

You guys are all actually AMAZING. I'm rubbish at criticism.

Ironically I never thought the males parts wouldn't be realistic.... made me realise I am a teeeeny bit inconsiderate as to what it actually feels like for a man.

Lots to think about, thanks again x
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Old 01-24-2013, 06:07 AM   #17
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Rewrite no 1!

So I've got another story up and rewritten http://www.literotica.com/s/short-cuts taking on board your comments! Fingers crossed some improvements to the story & grammar!

Here's the link to new story... http://www.literotica.com/s/headmasters-revenge

CCx

Last edited by ccbelle : 01-24-2013 at 06:10 AM. Reason: (forgot link!)
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