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Old 01-06-2013, 12:03 PM   #1
penthesword
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Looking for better feedback

I am currently looking for more constructive feedback on my Dark Acolyte series, as I am a bit nervous going to the people who usually read my (non-erotic) work and saying "Hey, what do you think about this porn I've written?".

Anyway, any and all criticism is welcome, particularly with story structure and/or things you might like to see in future installments. Given that it was more than three and a half years between chapters 4 and 5, not sure when six will be gotten to. I will say I am working on a new fantasy story separate from Dark Acolyte though.

The links are as follows:

Dark Acolyte Chapter 1
Dark Acolyte Chapter 2
Dark Acolyte Chapter 3
Dark Acolyte Chapter 4
Dark Acolyte Chapter 5

Thanks in advance.
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Old 01-06-2013, 03:58 PM   #2
RuzieD
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What's your elevator pitch? What's the story about?
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Old 01-07-2013, 08:31 AM   #3
penthesword
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The former apprentice of a now deceased wizard seeks revenge on the Baron that destroyed her home and killed her master. In the process, she inadvertently summons Nyyphas, the Demon Lord of Lust. She can now seduce and control people after having sex with them. So far she's managed to recruit a handful of lizard warriors, a number of sellswords, the baron's daughter, and the baron's daughter's governess.
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Old 01-08-2013, 12:04 PM   #4
RuzieD
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Alright. I got a pretty full up week, but I'll give it a read maybe Friday night or so.
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Old 01-13-2013, 06:45 PM   #5
RuzieD
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Okay,
I read the first two chapters.

The first one was great. I got the idea of the despair of the slave and the arousal of the apprentice. I didn't find it totally erotic, but I think that's because I am not into tentacle-demon porn. I don't think it has anything to do with the writing.

I do feel the first chapter would work better as a prologue, and not flashback. Since this is also fantasy, maybe it would be good to give a little bit of background between chapters one and two so that the reader can understand the setting a little bit better. I would very much like to know what the MC wants other than just "power." What does she want to do with power and why?

Chapter two kind of lost me a little bit. I had great trouble visualizing what was happening. for some reasons I got the impression that she was giving head on he knees, but then she's also gripped by appendages out of the ground, and a tail at the same time. I guess it just got a little confusing for me.
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