ht: career changer/break?
This is kind of difficult for me, and I sometimes suffer because I don't know who else is out there that feels what I feel. I'm a college grad, I live in a city, I own my company with no cashflow at the moment. I work in software.
Here's what I'd like to change:
I don't want to be in software any more. I have worked for some of the major companies you've heard of. You'd say I'm talented and lucky, but I got into it out of sheer loneliness as a teenager. What I've learned through a lot of therapy and time is that I was extremely embarrassed to live in a "perfect" upper-middle class town with a single, divorced mother. I concealed and repressed my embarrassment because I wanted my mother to do Ok. I think even as a little kid I knew that she was doing something difficult. My brother would hit me and act really violent, and most of the time I used all of my strength to smile and pretend things were Ok. They weren't and so I first started to act out in school and then when I saw that got me a junky group of friends and gave me a bad reputation, I reclused.
It hurts me so bad and then it torments me because the thing that I did out of pain gives me my lifeblood and sustenance? I'm so confused because for such a long time I struggled to stay in school. My parents of course saw that computer software was profitable and it was the only stable thing I did, so that's naturally what they encouraged me to study. Now I have this degree in computer software and I hate every shred of it.
I just graduated, so after a high-profile internship this summer, I just don't think I can accomplish much greater with this set of misery? Gosh, I feel like a complete mess!
I have waited tables before, and I have so much respect for people that do labor and other things like this, but I went through hell on so many levels for my college degree. I don't don't don't want to work in computer software, but but but I am completely scared about what other job I could even work without a lot of training. I don't like numbers, I am horribly illogical, I like people, and my personality is very open, a little more feeling than thinking, very extroverted or very introverted, much more comfortable perceiving and intuiting.
I mentioned having a lot of repressed embarrassment. I kind of think I'm past getting the feelings out in the form of therapy, but it makes sense that I have to go through feeling a lot of these things over if I try to change some of the circumstances that resulted from it.
I don't know ho to tell my family this stuff either. I think I have to take it one step at a time and just figure out "what I want to do".
Suggestions apprec. think I'm gonna go take a career test!
EDIT: I don't think this is gonna be so simple for me. I think there are a lot of bad habits I learned through the years in my isolation and quiet sadness that -- I don't know -- make me a horrible person to have a relationship with. I just feel so bad for some of the ways I've acted in the past few years. To say I don't know how to interact with people and need practice with that is probably true. I don't mean in a demented kind of way that I can't interact at all, it's just that I lack meaningful relationships. So many times I've burned bridges with good friends, family, colleagues, and s/o's. I know it's something we all do from time to time, but I do it almost all the time and it's made me a person I can't be any more.
Last edited by bigbritish : 01-09-2013 at 02:18 PM.