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Old 12-21-2012, 07:27 PM   #1
barrymanilow
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Submitted first ever story (incest), really want feedback/comments

Hello,

I recently completed my first story series - it's three chapters but each of them are short. I used to work as a sports writer but I've never written any type of fiction story before, much less erotic, so I'm really looking for feedback.

It's in the incest/taboo category, and the name (Aaron's New Stepsister) makes the initial premise pretty obvious.

I'll admit the first chapter isn't the greatest when taken on its own, and is a pretty standard story - but its mostly the set up for the next two parts which I think include a lot more plot turns and character development.

Link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions

For some reason the first part got a decent amount of views and comments; the second got a lot less, and the third and final chapter unfortunately got very few. I was debating putting the story altogether as one big entry but wanted it to be more manageable.

In any case I am really hoping for feedback and comments about the story as a whole - like I said it was my first time writing anything so I'd really like to hear what people liked and what I could have improved on. Feel free to be as critical as you want to be, I want to learn and improve.
I have a couple much more ambitious story idea in my head right now that I want to start working on and would really like to improve as a writer to make them work well.

Thanks much!

Last edited by barrymanilow : 12-23-2012 at 07:13 PM.
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Old 12-21-2012, 10:04 PM   #2
sr71plt
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There's a thread running now on the AH about chapter reads. Have you seen it? It's natural for the views, comments, and votes to go down as a chaptered series progresses. So, I wouldn't hyperventilate over that too much.
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Old 12-22-2012, 07:18 PM   #3
RuzieD
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I enjoyed reading that. Only the first chapter though. The dirty talk was nice. I think that was the real high light of the story for me. I'm getting the impression that "little sister" has been waiting for this for ages. I'm a little curious as to why.

By way of constructive criticism, I could say this: I felt that there was little to much "telling" rather than "showing." This was especially heavy in the beginning. You tell readers that the MC was upset about the whole situation. What I would've liked to have seen is a short interlude inwhich he has a frustrated phone call with his dad or something that would "show" that he is angry.

You also labeled the sex positions. Since I am new to writing Erotica, I think I'd wait for other opinions on that. Seems to me though, that it's better to describe the positions rather than label them.

I am going to keep reading though. I enjoy this taboo a bit. Thanks!
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Old 12-23-2012, 05:52 PM   #4
barrymanilow
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RuzieD View Post
I enjoyed reading that. Only the first chapter though. The dirty talk was nice. I think that was the real high light of the story for me. I'm getting the impression that "little sister" has been waiting for this for ages. I'm a little curious as to why.

By way of constructive criticism, I could say this: I felt that there was little to much "telling" rather than "showing." This was especially heavy in the beginning. You tell readers that the MC was upset about the whole situation. What I would've liked to have seen is a short interlude inwhich he has a frustrated phone call with his dad or something that would "show" that he is angry.

You also labeled the sex positions. Since I am new to writing Erotica, I think I'd wait for other opinions on that. Seems to me though, that it's better to describe the positions rather than label them.

I am going to keep reading though. I enjoy this taboo a bit. Thanks!
Thanks for the feedback! In regards to the telling instead of showing, it makes a lot of sense. One of the comments said something similar, and I think I get better at that in the next two chapters.

I'll definitely take your comment about labeling the sex positions into heart, I hadn't thought about that before. I'll definitely use that strategy in my future stories.

Thanks again, and I'd love to know if you have any more insight after you finish the other parts!
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Old 12-24-2012, 04:07 PM   #5
RuzieD
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As I type this I'm reading the next post. Respectfully, I enjoy reading the story, but incest (even step-incest) isn't really my thing. I don't feel like I can comment on the sub-genre very effectively. Here are my comments.

Quote:
After the events of last night and the comments she made, Aaron knew he had to confront the possibility of a horrifying theory. He reluctantly began to consider if Kristy's instant eagerness to take him to bed had something to do with some sort of desire she secretly harbored for Stephen, and she used Aaron to take his place now that he was technically her brother as well. It certainly made sense, the comment about "keeping it tight" for him, calling him brother all the time, and being so casual with Stephen when they were out. The thought of her harboring those desires made him squeamish, but then he felt bile start to rise in his throat as he began to wonder if the two had ever sexually experimented before. He didn't think it was likely, as Stephen seemed to be disgusted whenever Kristy would be flirty, wear provocative clothing, or talk about sex, leading Aaron to think it must be a one way deal.
As I said, I don't understand this subgenre well. I might be missing something. When I read this, I didn't quite understand how the MC got this conclusion. If I had been in his situation, I don't know why incest is one of the first things he suspects based on Kristy behavior.

Quote:
Eventually, they arrived at their house. Aaron led the two of them by the hand upstairs into Kristy's bedroom. When they finally arrived, Kristy and Tracy stripped each other of their clothes and then went to the bed. They started to make out while fingering each other. Kristy moved in to taste Tracy's pussy, and then twisted her lower body to reach Tracy's mouth as they got into a 69 position. Aaron watched this amazing spectacle while he stroked himself.
This is an important scene. Some of this is "showing" some of this is "telling." Showing is always better when your writing the scene you want your audience to visualize.

Quote:
After a short while, Tracy was close to orgasm, and started to release over him.
Okay, so how does a woman's body react? What does she feel? Do her legs squeeze more tightly around Aaron? Does she gasp for air? Do her hands claw at the sheets? does she squeeze Kristy's body like she's clinging for dear life as she shivers and writhes with each thrust?

Quote:
Tracy paused for a moment, shocked. Finally she responded. "I'm sorry, did you just call him 'big brother?' Big brother? What the fuck?"

Aaron stammered as he tried to think of a response. "It's uh...it's just...I mean I can explain...uh..."

Tracy's shock turned into a bit of anger. "Wait a fucking minute here. Don't tell me...it can't be...are you two are brother and sister?"

"Uhhhh...." Aaron thought for a minute about the proper response, eventually deciding to go with the truth. "Well, she's my stepsister; our parents only got married a few months ago." Shit, he thought, he should have said it was just a term of endearment or some role-play thing or something.

"That doesn't fucking matter!" Tracy hurriedly stood up to put her clothes back on. "I have a stepbrother and I've certainly never fucked him! That's incest! That's fucking disgusting! Are you two from backwoods Alabama or something?"
This is a good example of how your "showing" I can get a real sense of Tracy's disgust, rage, and betrayal all at once it. You showed it, rather than writing something like "Tracy got mad at them both because she thought incest was gross." The surprise shocks me as a reader just like it does the character. Reversals like this are great.

I was kinda surprised that Aaron and Kristy seemed to just blow this off and go right back to fucking. Why aren't they affected by this?

Anyway, that's about all the comments I have for the second part. I'll read the rest, and than give feedback on the final chapter later.
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Old 12-26-2012, 03:38 PM   #6
barrymanilow
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Wow, thanks so much for the insight...I've never written sex scenes before so your insight is very helpful...I'm partway through writing my next story and I've gone back and am changing the sex scenes to reflect what you're talking about. Especially regarding the woman's reaction and the describing the sex positions without labeling them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RuzieD View Post
As I said, I don't understand this subgenre well. I might be missing something. When I read this, I didn't quite understand how the MC got this conclusion. If I had been in his situation, I don't know why incest is one of the first things he suspects based on Kristy behavior.
Sorry if that wasn't totally clear, I'll try to elaborate - it was because she kept calling him "big brother" and forced him to call her little sister and never actually referred to him by his name, and seemed really turned on by forcing that kind of talk. She also said that she's been making sure to keep herself tight for him, indicating she's been anticipating having sex with her "big brother" - which doesn't make too much sense if she's referring to Aaron, since he's only been her brother for less than a year, and before their parents started to date she had no way of knowing if she would ever see him again. However, she does have another big brother that she's known all her life, so Aaron suspects her feelings might be regarding that one.

Thanks again and I'm looking forward to what you think about Part 3!

Last edited by barrymanilow : 12-26-2012 at 08:10 PM.
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:20 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
There's a thread running now on the AH about chapter reads. Have you seen it? It's natural for the views, comments, and votes to go down as a chaptered series progresses. So, I wouldn't hyperventilate over that too much.
Can you link to that thread about chapter reads, please? I'd like to read it.

BTW, OP, i read your story too but have nothing to add that hasn't been said already.
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Old 12-29-2012, 12:23 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Pornocles View Post
Can you link to that thread about chapter reads, please? I'd like to read it.
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=842742
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Old 12-30-2012, 08:53 PM   #9
RuzieD
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Barry,

I just finished the story.

It think your strongest point in this story is the dirty talk. I really enjoyed how shamelessly, openly, dirty Kristie is with he mouth during sex. It adds a nice level playfullness to the sex scenes. Also, when Aaron and Kristie 69'ed in the car, you did good job of describing the characters getting into a 69 position. That was good. There was no need to later say "they 69'ed eachother."

The only weakness is that its hard to put all this in the context of a story. The sex scene with Tracy and her disgust never really seemed to have any consequence. It didn't seem to affect Kristie. Kristie did not seem to think Tracy was affected by it either. Honestly, kristies LACK of an emotional reaction here is a little creepy. Tracy was pretty disgusted. Kristie doesn't seem to notice or to care.

The surrounding context of the marriage, Stephen, his father etc seemed a little compressed and at time, convenient. I can believe that Aaron's Dad and heather had a long time affair. I can believe that they got married and then they got divorced. I can't believe that their marriage and divorced happened so quickly within the timeline of the story. I'd also like some more details on that surrounding little contextual subplot.

Anyway, bro/sis incest is a little strange to me. So please take my comments with a grain of salt. I think this is a great first draft of a story. I think the reveals and changes in the story are pretty well conceived. Everything here has a lot of promise to be an interesting read.

Please understand if I can't read your drafts anymore. :-) This fetish is off-putting to me and My own stories will demand my time soon.
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Old 01-03-2013, 08:20 PM   #10
barrymanilow
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Thanks so much for the feedback, definitely appreciate it and am taking it into consideration for my next story!
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