Old 01-02-2013, 04:14 AM   #1
Scrubber
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*Gulp*

I've been hanging around other areas of Lit for a little while, but poetry has always interested me. I've taken the plunge and here is something I have written about meeting someone here. I'd be interested in comments if anyone has the time.

How can it be
That you and me
Should meet?
I'd like to know
Why it is so.
What cosmic plan's complete?

Just random chance?
Just happenstance?
Maybe.
If that is true
Then why do you
Keep filling up my dreams?

What made me spy
Your little cry
Just then?
In that great sea
Of misery
Of disappointed men

And women too
Who post how blue
They are.
Why did it touch
Me quite so much?
Was it some lucky star

That made you write
And me alight
On it?
I think that we
Were meant to be
Right there, right then, on Lit.
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Old 01-02-2013, 10:56 AM   #2
bronzeage
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Welcome to PF&D.

Thank you for posting this.
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Old 01-02-2013, 02:25 PM   #3
DRS_EROS
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Poem

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scrubber View Post
I've been hanging around other areas of Lit for a little while, but poetry has always interested me. I've taken the plunge and here is something I have written about meeting someone here. I'd be interested in comments if anyone has the time.

How can it be
That you and me
Should meet?
I'd like to know
Why it is so.
What cosmic plan's complete?

Just random chance?
Just happenstance?
Maybe.
If that is true
Then why do you
Keep filling up my dreams?

What made me spy
Your little cry
Just then?
In that great sea
Of misery
Of disappointed men

And women too
Who post how blue
They are.
Why did it touch
Me quite so much?
Was it some lucky star

That made you write
And me alight
On it?
I think that we
Were meant to be
Right there, right then, on Lit.


Hope your dream comes true hon. There are tones of sadness, maybe the other tones of possibilities will win out. However, I believe we are responsible for what happens to us, good or bad, usually, there is always pure chance. I do not believe in a grand design theory. I wish you well, we can always wish and hope.
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Old 02-02-2013, 06:40 PM   #4
ibelongtomasterjoe
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was it fate

Was it fate that brought me to you?
Sitting here thinking its too good to be true
I lay quietly across my bed
With ur face going thru my head
Im submitting to u by my choice
Brought about by ur sweet voice
Im urs completely
Mind heart body soul
Without u I wont be whole
I remember when we met
How I reacted to ur touch
And the way u smiled
When I said I love u so much
Times going by now
The future is bright
Cuz I met my master
On that fated night
We both know it's meant to be
So was it fate or destiny
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Old 02-09-2013, 07:23 PM   #5
twelveoone
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scrubber View Post
I've been hanging around other areas of Lit for a little while, but poetry has always interested me. I've taken the plunge and here is something I have written about meeting someone here. I'd be interested in comments if anyone has the time.

How can it be
That you and me
Should meet?
I'd like to know
Why it is so.
What cosmic plan's complete?

Just random chance?
Just happenstance?
Maybe.
If that is true
Then why do you
Keep filling up my dreams?

What made me spy
Your little cry
Just then?
In that great sea
Of misery
Of disappointed men

And women too
Who post how blue
They are.
Why did it touch
Me quite so much?
Was it some lucky star

That made you write
And me alight
On it?
I think that we
Were meant to be
Right there, right then, on Lit.
i'm surprised i like this, but as song lyrics

Me quite so much? no comma?, no comma, no drama

changed
Right there, right then,
Right on Lit.


this forms a triad, a sound pattern, hear the r? the th?




also say your last line

rightthen, onLit. or worse rightthenonLit.

don't think you want that
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Old 02-12-2013, 05:52 AM   #6
Scrubber
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^ Thank you. Interesting comments.

Did you mean that you like it, but as song lyrics; or that you like it but if it is song lyrics it would work better with your suggested changes?

It's meant to be spoken rather than read. I can't imagine it being sung, but then I haven't a melody in mind.
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Old 02-14-2013, 10:10 AM   #7
twelveoone
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scrubber View Post
^ Thank you. Interesting comments.

Did you mean that you like it, but as song lyrics; or that you like it but if it is song lyrics it would work better with your suggested changes?

It's meant to be spoken rather than read. I can't imagine it being sung, but then I haven't a melody in mind.
it reminds me of cole porter
if you are speaking this, it would have to be very slowly

Just random chance?
Just happenstance?

lines like these rely on a vocal performance, to an extent they set up the performance, ranDom, haPpen, ch-ance, st-ance, with a question.
very effective

What cosmic plan's complete?

as pure and plain poetry this line is dreadful, but with a "performance" it has a wonderful playful feel to it

when i read this i see an eyebrow being raised, without that, it doesn't work

the rime is too close, too persistent for a straight read; it needs space
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Old 02-14-2013, 01:29 PM   #8
Scrubber
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Thanks for your further comments.

Cole Porter. Deeply flattered that his name should even come up in connection with anything I have written.
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:48 AM   #9
gchaw80
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I like this poem.
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