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Old 12-28-2012, 04:09 PM   #1
Exeltus is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 2
Succubus in need of advice on technique

Greetings and blessed be~
For as long as I can remember I've always wanted to be an author, and over the years I've worked on a number of stories in a setting that I've crafted called 'Demongate' in hopes of getting something published. While in more recent years I've been trying to write it as serious high fantasy epic, after a bunch of failed attempts I decided to bring the series back to its roots (which just so happened to be 90's Hentai-inspired smut). This was the birth of my current story "How to Tame a Succubus".

Many of the places I lurked online were quite keen about RPG/Fantasy/Monster Girl themed porn threads, so I took that as a good sign that there was a potential reader-base. I was sort of iffy about the subject matter at first as depending on where I looked/who I talked to the whole monster girl/demon thing was potentially borderline taboo but I've come to terms with it and have just decided to write what I want to write and worry about no one wanting to publish it later.

The story itself was originally posted on the main English Monster Girl forums and while it had a good reception initially (and some great feedback that let me refine and polish the story even more) after posting the second chapter any sort of critique or discussion (positive, negative or otherwise) had completely halted. It was a bit demoralizing, especially when I was having a rough go with chapter 3. This is partly why I'm here. One of the first posters who'd given me feedback had suggested that if I had any serious intent of trying to get it published that I should consider posting it here to have not only a larger audience view it (and so far with chapter 1 I can't believe how many views it's gotten, let alone votes) but to get some more feedback as well.

So here I am, coming to you dear readers for whatever assistance/feedback/critiques/comments/hockey scores you can provide me on this story. I thank anyone who's willing to lend their time to my cause in advance ^^;;

As for the story itself, as I mentioned before it's inspired by 90s hentai, role playing games and the Monster Girl Encyclopedia. Something about that blend of sex, adventure and comedy has always appealed to me, and is why I'm trying to channel it into my story. The end goal I suppose is to have a story that's kind of like Slayers with sex and monster girls. I am trying my best but I'm not quite sure how well I'm conveying that.

This is the tale of Juste, a paladin of the holy capital of Lumaris, and his quest to battle against the Demon Queen's forces the only way he knows how (lawful hot dickings!). It's a struggle for him as his own upbringing as he was an orphan raised in the holy order and the ideals he was taught clashe with his urges and fighting style. Though he's uncertain and confused he knows he must to whatever he can against the growing darkness that consumes the land. His story begins as he sets out to find aid in his struggle and comes across the ideal ally...

TL;DR : I'd like to potentially publish this story one day and would love whatever feedback and critiques people have

How to Tame a Succubus
Chapter 1

Chapter 2
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Old 12-28-2012, 07:08 PM   #2
ZoZa is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 26
Your grammar and style needs work. It's that simple and there's no other way to put it. It is not good enough.

"I am as eager as yourself, my lord. Worry not, we're almost there."

"I am as eager as yourself, my lord. Worry not, we're almost there."
'I'm as eager as you' Yourself has no place in that sentence and everyone uses contractions in all but the most formal or unusual of speech.

You seem to constantly almost use words correctly. 'Within' is a good one. It has a meaning subtly different from 'in' and you mostly misuse it. See where you can better substitute 'in' or 'inside' for 'within'.

You also use a lot of semicolons and you don't need a single one. None of the examples in your story couldn't be replaced by a comma or period. Doing so would make the prose scan better.

Which brings me on to the prose itself. Technical flaws aside it's... Well, a little dusty. It does the job, but it's got no panache, no verve in it. Erotica should be cool, dammit. It should have a dash of poetry and panache! Open yourself up to the beautiful and terrible world of simile, metaphor and pataphor! Go a little crazy from time to time and really feel with your heart. Otherwise, how can your reader be expected to do so?

The worst style flaw though is your... Well, your narrator. I realise you don't have one, but you write as though you do. You throw in little asides, not describing the events but talking directly to the reader. It's so perfect a way to shatter immersion.

There are two proper kinds of third-person perspective. Limited and Omniscient.

You're using Limited. The reader experiences the world through Jezelle. We feel what she feels and know what she knows. Importantly, these are the only things we should feel and know.

We, the readers are riding along in Jezelle's head. Adding your own commentary to a Limited perspective story is as jarring as suddenly hearing another person's thoughts in one's own head.

If you want us to know that Sir Juste is drawn to her eyes, you have to show that in the way he acts or speaks. Jezelle can't telepathically know that (can she?), so we should not either.

I've read much, much worse, but by the same token this could be so much better.
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Old 12-28-2012, 08:23 PM   #3
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chocolatecookie3 is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Indiana
Posts: 182

Holy adjectives, batman! You might try an exercise where you just write a sentence as tersely as possible. Your descriptions are too much, and it's off-putting. The prose is too flowery even for that type of story. Some people would say highfalutin.

Here's a good sentence: "The hunger was pushing her to the edge and starting to chip away at her focus."
-you don't have any adverbs, the words are simple, and you even have some visuals with the word chip.

This is a terrible sentence: "When they finally reached her humble abode the door was slammed and locked behind them with fervor."
-I wouldn't use passive voice for shutting a door. One of them has to do it, or is it a magic door that's also horny?

I'll have to try to finish them later.
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Old 12-31-2012, 04:12 PM   #4
Exeltus is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 2
Sorry for the delayed reply, it's been quite busy here with the holidays and in-laws visiting. I wanted to thank you both for your insight so far. It's given me a lot of perspective on things and has given me a lot to think about. Some echoed things I had idle thoughts about and others were new and caught me off guard. Both are for the better! I have a long way to go and a lot to consider in trying to better this story. Any other insight others have would be appreciated as well ^^
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