Go Back   Literotica Discussion Board > Main Literotica Forums > How To...

Reply
 
Thread Tools

Old 12-29-2012, 11:29 PM   #1
photograph
Literotica Guru
 
photograph's Avatar
 
photograph is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 13,708
Is it my fault??

I will try to keep this short, but I tend to be a bit long-winded at times.

I've been lurking this forum since joining yesterday, reading and absorbing as much information and advice as I can, especially if it pertains to my current situation. You all are such a wonderful group of people, so I'm hoping for some insight into my situation. I also really have no one else to turn to, I'm socially isolated. I am a stay at home mom, and rarely have the opportunity to go out. Even if I did, I have no real friends to go out with. All of my friends are my husband's friends, and I'm not comfortable talking to them about any of this.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for almost 4 now. In the beginning, sex was wonderful, as it usually is. Even after having kids, dealing with my PMDD, and a host of other complications that plague marriages, sex was still the one area that we could both relax and enjoy ourselves. We even discussed some fantasies, he claims not to have any, which I know he is just not telling me, and I openly discussed mine with him. He tried to accommodate mine, and we both thoroughly enjoyed it. But, for the last year, he has been sexually distant from me. We went from having sex 2-3 times a week, to maybe once a month, if that.

I've tried getting him to talk about what's going on, but he generally turns it around, making it seem as if it's my fault that we do not have sex all that often. I'm at a loss. A recent example would be what happened tonight. He works overnights, so he sleeps during the day. After putting the children down for a nap, I went and laid down with him to take a nap as well. He woke up shortly afterwards, and woke me up as well. He leaned over, kissed me, and said, "After the kids go to bed for the night, and before I go to work, maybe we can play." To which I replied, "Sure, sounds like fun!" We haven't had sex in at least 2 weeks, and last time it was very boring for me, I didn't even get off.

So, I get up, finish up dinner, we eat, and I clear the table. Then, I tell him I'm going to hop in the shower, and asked him to put the kids to bed. I get out of the shower, which was just a 10 minute shower, and the children are running around, hyper and loud. By the time I finally got them calmed down and in bed, 30 more minutes had passed, and now, it wasn't even worth the time anymore. He had to start getting ready for work. I didn't want another sex session like last time, where he shoves a few fingers in me, gets me a little wet, and then gets his rocks off in 5 minutes, leaving me with nothing much. Normally, I don't mind that he gets off first, and usually I get off on the fact that he is so pleased. But lately, he hasn't even been trying to get me turned on, which has left me wanting no part of his pleasure either.

I have tried to talk to him about this, but as I said, he turns it around on me, like it's my fault. Is it? Am I doing something wrong? He use to be so into me, or so it seemed, and couldn't keep his hands off of me. Now, I'm lucky if he'll even acknowledge that I'm talking to him.

How can I get him to talk to me? I'm prepared to hear things I don't want to hear, because I'm sure the truth is a lot less harsh than what I'm thinking to myself.

Sorry for the long ramble, I just have no one else to talk to.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-29-2012, 11:59 PM   #2
silverwhisper
just this guy, you know?
 
silverwhisper's Avatar
 
silverwhisper is online now
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: in a home, of course
Posts: 10,799
photograph, welcome to the visible side of the forum!

as you probably have already seen, very often people ask what's changed in the relationship or in the other party. and the fact that he's turning it around and making you the bad guy is troubling to me.

this all changed around a year ago you said. is he under any new pressure in the past year? pressure & stress are real libido-killers. what about medications of some kind? have you or he changed in the last year or so? is your relationship under any new stress in the past year?

you may have noticed that one of the sayings here is that problems in the bedroom usually don't begin there, so that's where i'd start looking.

does this help at all?

ed
__________________
"i think this line's mostly filler"--willow rosenberg, once more, with feeling, season 6, buffy the vampire slayer

exemplar of youthful snark: "does it hurt little boy? are you going to cry now? well suck it up and be a man."

psst! hey, wanna see a blog?
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 12:06 AM   #3
blulilacgrl
Viva la Tarte!
 
blulilacgrl's Avatar
 
blulilacgrl is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Location: dancing on coals and trying not to burn my feet
Posts: 7,629
Quote:
Originally Posted by photograph View Post
I will try to keep this short, but I tend to be a bit long-winded at times.

I've been lurking this forum since joining yesterday, reading and absorbing as much information and advice as I can, especially if it pertains to my current situation. You all are such a wonderful group of people, so I'm hoping for some insight into my situation. I also really have no one else to turn to, I'm socially isolated. I am a stay at home mom, and rarely have the opportunity to go out. Even if I did, I have no real friends to go out with. All of my friends are my husband's friends, and I'm not comfortable talking to them about any of this.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for almost 4 now. In the beginning, sex was wonderful, as it usually is. Even after having kids, dealing with my PMDD, and a host of other complications that plague marriages, sex was still the one area that we could both relax and enjoy ourselves. We even discussed some fantasies, he claims not to have any, which I know he is just not telling me, and I openly discussed mine with him. He tried to accommodate mine, and we both thoroughly enjoyed it. But, for the last year, he has been sexually distant from me. We went from having sex 2-3 times a week, to maybe once a month, if that.

I've tried getting him to talk about what's going on, but he generally turns it around, making it seem as if it's my fault that we do not have sex all that often. I'm at a loss. A recent example would be what happened tonight. He works overnights, so he sleeps during the day. After putting the children down for a nap, I went and laid down with him to take a nap as well. He woke up shortly afterwards, and woke me up as well. He leaned over, kissed me, and said, "After the kids go to bed for the night, and before I go to work, maybe we can play." To which I replied, "Sure, sounds like fun!" We haven't had sex in at least 2 weeks, and last time it was very boring for me, I didn't even get off.

So, I get up, finish up dinner, we eat, and I clear the table. Then, I tell him I'm going to hop in the shower, and asked him to put the kids to bed. I get out of the shower, which was just a 10 minute shower, and the children are running around, hyper and loud. By the time I finally got them calmed down and in bed, 30 more minutes had passed, and now, it wasn't even worth the time anymore. He had to start getting ready for work. I didn't want another sex session like last time, where he shoves a few fingers in me, gets me a little wet, and then gets his rocks off in 5 minutes, leaving me with nothing much. Normally, I don't mind that he gets off first, and usually I get off on the fact that he is so pleased. But lately, he hasn't even been trying to get me turned on, which has left me wanting no part of his pleasure either.

I have tried to talk to him about this, but as I said, he turns it around on me, like it's my fault. Is it? Am I doing something wrong? He use to be so into me, or so it seemed, and couldn't keep his hands off of me. Now, I'm lucky if he'll even acknowledge that I'm talking to him.

How can I get him to talk to me? I'm prepared to hear things I don't want to hear, because I'm sure the truth is a lot less harsh than what I'm thinking to myself.

Sorry for the long ramble, I just have no one else to talk to.
Okay wow! A lot of information here and yet a lot left out. I wouldn't say it is all your fault. In truth I can't say anyone is necessarily at fault without having just a smidge more information.

Such as:

~ how young are your kids? (generally speaking)
~ how involved in the parenting is he?
~ where do you guys talk? Specifically about bedroom issues?

I ask this because I have found that hubby tends to get caught up with issues about work and then keep those issues to himself. And unfortunately they manifest in the bedroom.

But it also sounds like he might be leaving you to deal with the kids which isn't going to help with the sexy side of the marriage, if you know what I mean.

Have you tried an evening just the two of you? Sending the kids somewhere else?
__________________
The heart is an unreliable narrator.

Before you PM, introduce yourself. You can find me here... Mama Blu's
And for those especially daring folks... you can show off your hands here

  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 12:10 AM   #4
photograph
Literotica Guru
 
photograph's Avatar
 
photograph is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 13,708
Stress is something that we have dealt with our entire relationship, in one form or another. This past year has not seemed any more stressful than years past.

That being said, he started a new job in June, which also included a move. We moved back to his hometown, so he is now around his friends and family more. I get along fine with his friends. I also tend to get along with his family just fine, except his mother. She and I do not see eye to eye, but this is also nothing new. It's been ongoing since we married.

He is not on any medications, just a supplement to help avoid joint issues that he's had for a few years. I am on an anti-depressant for my PMDD and depression.

He's never been big into discussing things, only to point out where I'm being "emotional" or "irrational" or simply telling me that how I feel about things "isn't true." Even when I tell him that having my feelings being so blatantly disregarded is disheartening to me, he just clams up, and avoids further conversation.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 12:13 AM   #5
photograph
Literotica Guru
 
photograph's Avatar
 
photograph is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 13,708
Quote:
Originally Posted by blulilacgrl View Post
Okay wow! A lot of information here and yet a lot left out. I wouldn't say it is all your fault. In truth I can't say anyone is necessarily at fault without having just a smidge more information.

Such as:

~ how young are your kids? (generally speaking)
~ how involved in the parenting is he?
~ where do you guys talk? Specifically about bedroom issues?

I ask this because I have found that hubby tends to get caught up with issues about work and then keep those issues to himself. And unfortunately they manifest in the bedroom.

But it also sounds like he might be leaving you to deal with the kids which isn't going to help with the sexy side of the marriage, if you know what I mean.

Have you tried an evening just the two of you? Sending the kids somewhere else?
Our kids are young, 5 and 2. He isn't as involved as I'd like him to be, but that is due to his work schedule. He works overnights, so he sleeps during the day. He spends, on average, an hour or two a day with our kids, which is generally average for a working parent, I think.

The problem is that we don't talk. I cannot get him to open up to me, with the exception of it being work. That's ALL he talks about anymore. We have tried a night out, and it usually ends with us going to dinner, and then that's it.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 12:16 AM   #6
photograph
Literotica Guru
 
photograph's Avatar
 
photograph is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 13,708
I do have one more thing to add, it just popped into my mind as I was standing up.

About two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. However, these issues started well before that diagnosis, as well as before the pain I felt with that diagnosis.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 12:22 AM   #7
bigbritish
Really Experienced
 
bigbritish is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 140
sounds like blulilcgrl is a psychic: your hubby has work issues with the new job

moving and a new job are super stressful... you shouldn't take that for granted regardless of how well you think you know him or what past sit. have been like.

that's just another guy's perspective. he probably cares a lot about how you're feeling too and doesn't want to deal with it apparently that way. surface advice here but make sure you let him know you understand and then quickly move on to something that takes his mind off it. he needs to know you get it but then he needs you to be there in a way that puts it aside and im sure hell make it worth your while
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 12:36 AM   #8
photograph
Literotica Guru
 
photograph's Avatar
 
photograph is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 13,708
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbritish View Post
sounds like blulilcgrl is a psychic: your hubby has work issues with the new job

moving and a new job are super stressful... you shouldn't take that for granted regardless of how well you think you know him or what past sit. have been like.

that's just another guy's perspective. he probably cares a lot about how you're feeling too and doesn't want to deal with it apparently that way. surface advice here but make sure you let him know you understand and then quickly move on to something that takes his mind off it. he needs to know you get it but then he needs you to be there in a way that puts it aside and im sure hell make it worth your while
I suppose you could be right. This isn't the first time we've moved for a job, in fact, it's the third time in our 8 years. However, the past two jobs were office jobs, while this one is not. He was also made part owner of the company within the short time he's been there, so I do suppose there is added stress that I didn't think of. Thank you for pointing that out.

I also realize that I do not make that stress any more bearable when I'm constantly bitching at him for being on his phone while he's home. It is irritating that I get such limited time with him and he's always on his phone texting or calling an employee, but I suppose that is part of his job. Although, some of the time I know it could wait until he went into the office that day.

And part of it is also that I feel physically unattractive. And the lack of sex isn't helping things either. After two c-sections and a gallbladder removal, my abdomen is scarred beyond belief. I've also put on weight, which I've been steadily losing, but that still doesn't help my feelings of being unattractive.

He use to make me feel safe, secure, loved, and attractive. But lately, all I've felt is safe, but not so secure, loved, or attractive. He knows this, because I've told him. But, that may be adding to the stress he's already feeling, and maybe he's overwhelmed by all of it? I don't know anymore.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 12:42 AM   #9
bigbritish
Really Experienced
 
bigbritish is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 140
as a biz owner yes yes yes this changes the dynamic of things entirely! it might be that its not the opportunity for him... if this ends up being the case id try to help him look at it as a good opportunity that prepares him for something better in the future.

you should totally bang his brains out as the "boss man" he would love that.

no, off with that bad talk about secure loved attractive. men dont like that. they dont know what to do with that youre just going to confuse his man muscles.

i say bite the bullet and give the jerk a massage or two and wait it out, then do things so *you* feel better about the way you are. look less to him for approval or your self worth bc right now hes much less able to give and put out for you. think of it like hes trying to put out better for the family as a whole that might help you to think more positively about this.

advice is unqualified take with a grain of salt
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 12:53 AM   #10
njlauren
Literotica Guru
 
njlauren is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 1,255
It is very, very hard to offer specifics with your situation because there could be so many causes of what you are seeing. For one thing, I can talk, speaking from experience, that being on different schedules is a killer, even though you are a SAHM, it is problematic, especially because you have young kids. I worked second shift my first job out of school, technically 3-11pm (more like 2pm til 3 or 4am), my wife was working during the day, and it made things like sex difficult, because we were on different body clocks.

With you, you are dealing with the kids during the day when he is sleeping, then you have a narrow window before he has to go to work where you might do something, so it is tough. It could be he is frustrated by that, by the lack of time, and it is causing him to pull back. Unfortunately as wonderful as kids are they are one of the things that make marital sex difficult, by the time you get them down you are often exchausted, I know.

Stress is also a problem, if all he is talking about is work it is likely that could be a cause, because that is one way people deal with stress. I have always worked high stress jobs, long hours, and I know how it can overwhelm the personal time. I will add in our story our sex life wasn't always so great either, there was other reasons in our case that I doubt apply in yours, but I know how frustrating it is.

I suspect that your H is feeling frustrated based on what you have written and to a certain extent guilty, that he knows that the stress is getting to him, killing his sex drive, but as is common to make himself feel better (subconsciously) he turns it around and blames you. Perhaps when you talk to him about it he hears it as being accusatory towards him and reacts back in self defense.....

I wish I had easy answers for this, could have used them myself at times. One thing I can suggest is something I have learned, it never hurts to tell the other person that you really love and desire them and want to be able to make love, that even if circumstances are keeping you from having intimacy that you still want it very much and hopefully he does, too. I also would tell him that the kids will be coming out of the tough zone soon, your oldest will be going to school during the day and you may be able to grab time if the younger one takes a nap during the day, and eventually they, too, will be in school.

Another question I have is have there been other changes? Even when my wife and my sex's lives were on life support, we always had other forms of intimacy, spending whatever time we could together, cuddling, touching, etc.....has that changed for you guys as well, whatever levels you had?Outside the sex, has he pulled back from you more, or you find yourself withdrawing from him? Sometimes the bedroom can be indicative of other things. Do you find he is more distant? Less willing to touch you? Does he outside of work hours spend any less time at home? Does he spend more time doing solitary things? Or has it been primarily things have changed?

It could also, of course, be physical, that something is wrong with him, causing his libido to drop, but at your phase of life that is less likely (though possible).

Quite honestly, you are in a tough phase of life, with young kids (God's natural birth control), husband with a stressful job after moving, having family close at hand, it all can add up, too. I think you need to take some pressure off yourself with sex and understand that with young kids and the other pressures it won't be like when you were married without kids. I think you need to talk to your H about this, about the sex, but instead of saying something like 'honey, why aren't we having sex like we used to', maybe say something like "honey, I really miss having the sex we used to, but I also realize things are kind of rough right now, with a kid in the terrible two's, another one active and running around, but I have to tell you, I am looking forward to the time when the kids are in school/preschool so we can have time to have some fun"...it recognizes that things aren't what they once were, but it also doesn't blame anyone, and gives hope for the future.

There is also another possibility, though given the phase of life you are in not the most likely scenario and I am putting this out there simply as a possible cause, not because I think it is likely. One of the reasons I asked if he was more emotionally distant, not cuddling, etc, is because what you describe is a common symptom of a spouse who is having an affair. Have you noticed any other changes in him? Getting angry at you for asking what seem like innocuous questions, like anything interesting happen today? Is he spending more time then usual from the house? Does he seem more secretive, less willing to talk about things? Again I really apologize for putting this out there, but it would be a cause for the symptoms you are talking about.

I really think the most likely thing is your husband is frustrated, that because of the kids and the work schedule it is really hard to have time to be intimate, that when you both have the desire there is a kid who is up, something that needs to be done, whatever, then suddenly you find you have 5 minutes to do something, or when things free up one or the other of you is tired. We have a different variation, we have a late teen boy, who is a night owl, I work long hours, have to get up early to commute, and to have privacy from prying we are trying to be intimate when I am dead tired, late at night, and have to face getting up in 4 or 5 hours.....so I know the frustration, and how it can cause spouses to lash out, too, like when my wife claims I must not want her, until I point out that I have been getting 4 or so hours of sleep a night, work 10,12 hour days, commute roughly 3 hours a day, .....

Hopefully what I wrote helps.I think the biggest thing is to communicate with him, let him know you desire him, are frustrated, and that you understand his feelings, too, and that this will pass...in the meantime, any chance you can have the in laws take the kids on the weekend, even if only for the day, or better yet for the weekend, carve out some time? I think that would go a long way, where you could have sex without worrying about the clock, the kid needs to go potty, the other one wants to play a game, or you are constantly listening to make sure they aren't interrupting you
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 12:59 AM   #11
njlauren
Literotica Guru
 
njlauren is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 1,255
Quote:
Originally Posted by photograph View Post
I suppose you could be right. This isn't the first time we've moved for a job, in fact, it's the third time in our 8 years. However, the past two jobs were office jobs, while this one is not. He was also made part owner of the company within the short time he's been there, so I do suppose there is added stress that I didn't think of. Thank you for pointing that out.

I also realize that I do not make that stress any more bearable when I'm constantly bitching at him for being on his phone while he's home. It is irritating that I get such limited time with him and he's always on his phone texting or calling an employee, but I suppose that is part of his job. Although, some of the time I know it could wait until he went into the office that day.

And part of it is also that I feel physically unattractive. And the lack of sex isn't helping things either. After two c-sections and a gallbladder removal, my abdomen is scarred beyond belief. I've also put on weight, which I've been steadily losing, but that still doesn't help my feelings of being unattractive.

He use to make me feel safe, secure, loved, and attractive. But lately, all I've felt is safe, but not so secure, loved, or attractive. He knows this, because I've told him. But, that may be adding to the stress he's already feeling, and maybe he's overwhelmed by all of it? I don't know anymore.
This makes it clearer, and yes, he is overwhelmed, as you are as well..you have the kids and your own health issues, he is now in a demanding job and is also part owner, which puts even more load on him. I know exactly how he feels I suspect, it is like when I am working crazy hours, with a long commute, as i mentioned in my other post in this thread, and then we are trying to have sex at 1am, when I have been up 18 hours, and will have to get up at 6 the next morning, and I am fighting sleep, and she is almost like "I guess I excite you that much, huh?"...she doesn't mean it, but it triggers anger, because I want to but I am shot.

It never hurts, believe me, to acknowledge what he is going through, and telling him hopefully as things settle in you can return to having the intimacy you want, let him know you understand, that you are grateful he works so hard and is trying to make a good life for the family, and that you hope to share in the rewards when time and kids allow
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 01:20 AM   #12
Noor
No fear shall we know
 
Noor's Avatar
 
Noor is offline
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Svaha
Posts: 16,707
get the kids in bed earlier?

find a way to do date night.

Can family or friends take the kids once a week?

Don't shower first until kids are in bed and then shower with him?

Put the kids down for the nap before he gets home from work so you are available for sex then?
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 02:27 AM   #13
blulilacgrl
Viva la Tarte!
 
blulilacgrl's Avatar
 
blulilacgrl is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Location: dancing on coals and trying not to burn my feet
Posts: 7,629
Okay having gotten all this information... here is one small piece of advice.

And this is something both of you are going to have to work on. But I read or heard somewhere... hell it might have even been Dr. Phil ... but how you greet each other after being apart sets the tone for the evening. The one thing hubby and I do is we spend the first 10-15 minutes when he gets home just the two of us. We spend that time giving each other a hug, asking how the day went, etc...

The kids have learned to find something quiet to do during Mommy & Daddy time and now that time has become very important not only to the two of us, but also for the kids. They need to see Mommy & Daddy having time together and being a couple.

Again this is something both of you are going to have to do. He can't come home and head for the couch and you can't be too involved with dinner or the kids. It will take a little maneuvering but I think it is worth it.

Good luck. And feel free to PM me if you want to chat. I could probably say more but I am exhausted right now and heading to bed.
__________________
The heart is an unreliable narrator.

Before you PM, introduce yourself. You can find me here... Mama Blu's
And for those especially daring folks... you can show off your hands here

  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 02:42 AM   #14
photograph
Literotica Guru
 
photograph's Avatar
 
photograph is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 13,708
Noor, I can't put the kids to bed earlier, or he'd have no time with them that day, which makes it harder for me to handle them the next day. We have tried showering together, but our shower is small, and not well suited for two people. As for naps before he gets home from work, he works 3rd shift, so he leaves the house around 9:30 pm and doesn't get home until 8:30 am. He usually goes to bed around 9:30 am and sleeps until 6 pm. He gets up and we eat dinner and clean up, and he then spends time with the kids until their bed time around 8 pm. Ideally, that should leave him and I an hour a day, because he starts getting ready for work at 9 pm. However, during that hour, he's catching up on phone calls/texts that he missed while sleeping, or even reading the newspaper online. I feel guilty at times if I try to steal any of this self time from him because I know how valuable it is for sanity, but at the same time, we rarely get any time together. I do not want to ask him to try waking up earlier either, because he drives a tow truck for a living, and needs to be especially alert this time of year, when most of his calls are interstate calls. His mother does not like me enough to watch my children so that he and I may go out, and they are really the only family around. Mine lives mostly out of state.

blulilac- I would love to have that time with him, but when he gets home from work, I'm usually just getting up and getting the kids breakfast, etc. I am definitely NOT a morning person, even with coffee. My children are still so young, that they are incredibly excited to see him when he gets home that I let him relish in that feeling of being so appreciated. If I were in his shoes, excited children would trump a grouchy wife in the morning, every time.

I wanted to thank you all for the advice/suggestions/input. Sometimes, a fresh perspective is what I need to get through the mental blocks in my own thinking. He happens to have tomorrow night off, as long as it doesn't snow, or he doesn't get called in, so we will hopefully have a few hours to discuss things before going to bed, which I must be doing now. I didn't realize how late it is!
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 03:06 AM   #15
satindesire
Queen of Geeks
 
satindesire's Avatar
 
satindesire is offline
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: One does not simply QWOP into Mordor
Posts: 12,796
What is he saying when he "Turns things around" and "Makes them sound like your fault"?

Because that's some vital information that would help us all out in advising you better. The more specific and detailed you are, the better.
__________________
Wave your Geek Flag high with The Nerd Herd!

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=756470

Are you cosmetically clueless? Do you want to learn how to look like a bombshell in the comfort of your own home? Come visit my Noble-Prize winning thread and ask your questions to The Makeup Fairy!

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=802027
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 04:41 AM   #16
pfflyerhot
Literotica Guru
 
pfflyerhot's Avatar
 
pfflyerhot is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Alone...
Posts: 6,429
Quote:
Originally Posted by photograph View Post
The problem is that we don't talk
Right there. That statement nails the problem. People who love each other ought to be able to talk... and listen, to each other, about everything, anything. Nip that crap in the bud, man... soon as it comes up. Listen, don't knee-jerk react... Ask questions, but do so nicely, with kindness and respect... not sarcasm or unspoken assumptions... It's just talking...
Quote:
Noor, I can't put the kids to bed earlier, or he'd have no time with them that day, which makes it harder for me to handle them the next day. We have tried showering together, but our shower is small, and not well suited for two people. As for naps before he gets home from work, he works 3rd shift, so he leaves the house around 9:30 pm and doesn't get home until 8:30 am. He usually goes to bed around 9:30 am and sleeps until 6 pm. He gets up and we eat dinner and clean up, and he then spends time with the kids until their bed time around 8 pm. Ideally, that should leave him and I an hour a day, because he starts getting ready for work at 9 pm. However, during that hour, he's catching up on phone calls/texts that he missed while sleeping, or even reading the newspaper online. I feel guilty at times if I try to steal any of this self time from him because I know how valuable it is for sanity, but at the same time, we rarely get any time together.
Okay... um, you two have to make time for sex & intimate moments. Seriously, you [i]can[/I put the kids to bed early one night a week—that's only 1 out of 7. He could skip the online newspaper read every now and then as you could probably rise before the crack of your dawn once in while to show your affection for one another. Yes. It is like work... relationships take work... even in the mundane sense of having an early dinner every week or so to get the kids to bed earlier, to set an alarm to rise early, or skipping something "usually" done at a certain time of day. 1 out of 7. It's a start. Not bad working hours considering the benefits, if you ask me.

I read in some psych magazine once that the level of stress involved in moving a family household is equal to someone experiencing the death of a loved one. The level of stress is equal, the causes, however, are not the same. You've moved 8 times in how many years? New job, new town, new people—that's tough on both of you on many levels. Sex can help with stress, you know... You guys gotta make time... have a quick mtg armed with your respective calendars, figure out a date and time you can both live with, and figure it out. 1 out of 7. Or even 2 out 14.

Oh yeah. He does not get to tell you your feelings and/or emotions are not true. They are yours. They most certainly are true, to you. Nor can the two of you truly know what each other is thinking unless you TALK about it. Without blame, judgment, anger; with kindness, respect and love. Takes both of you to do it, though... Don't be like the US Congress, for shits sake... Best to you.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 07:10 AM   #17
Scrubber
Squeaky clean!
 
Scrubber's Avatar
 
Scrubber is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: S E England
Posts: 1,362
There's a lot of issues going on here, but the one that particularly stands out to me is you saying you feel unattractive. In my experience men really find that a turn off. I think you need to do whatever you feel you need to in order to give you some confidence. That need not involve making any physical changes, unless you want to make those changes for yourself. But it will involve making a mental change, and you might need to "fake it till you make it" in the confidence department.

Good luck.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 07:30 AM   #18
eric60red
Im a HEDONISTIC ALLURIST,
 
eric60red's Avatar
 
eric60red is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Malta GC.
Posts: 2,877
I will be back

This thread caught my eye, we have much in common, and I will return another time and throw in my 6 cents. My situation is simmular, but of course I am male, and my wife knows everything, she is never wrong.
__________________
ERIC RED

Where have all the adorable ladies gone, who like being told that they are desired, sexy, and wanted? Come let me help you to show you how you can achieve untold pleasures :- http://www.eroprofile.com/eric60red

: I have a very dirty naughty mind, I am also bi, would you like to compare notes?
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 08:55 AM   #19
amofiga
Literotica Guru
 
amofiga is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Eastern USA
Posts: 1,300
There has already been a lot of good advice so I'm not sure what I can add other than some consolidation for thought.

1) The fact that hubby is now a part owner in a business rather than just an employee is super key. Being responsible for a company and it's employees is much more stressful than being an employee who collects a paycheck. Some people aren't cut out for that even though it's supposed to be everyone's dream. I even had a hard time promoting some people because they told me they didn't want all the extra responsibility. Talk to hubby and really get him to be honest if possible.

2) Your schedules are crazy with him working third shift but you said he gets home when the kids are going off to school and doesn't go to bed till about 9-9:30. It seems like that could give you some really nice "home without the kids morning delight" time if you could get yourself up and running a little earlier. Possibly getting away for some weekends or true couple's time is also good and may be possible with his parents in town to babysit now and then if they are willing.

3) A stressful mother in law doesn't help and I hope she's not "poisoning his ear" now that she's nearby. I have no answer there since I have no experience at all with that.

4) Don't depend on him to make you feel useful and attractive and worthwhile. As others have said, he already has to worry about making employees feeling worthwhile and valued. If you don't work, consider a part time job or some volunteer work to give you a different perspective on your worth and attractiveness. WHen my wife retired she was antsy tlll she started doing some volunteering and took over some community things. Now, it gives me somewhat of a kick to see her picture in the paper or have people tell me how great she is and she feels that way herself. However, talk to hubby first because some guys don't like it when their wife gets lots of attention and it seems like they aren't "needed" as much.

5) If necessary consider some marriage counseling to help with "suggestions". Sometimes people tend to take the advice of "experts" with more validity than just what a spouse says or feels or what they read in some magazine or see on TV or (even worse) what they read on some erotic website.

Seriously, good luck. We went through some rough times because of my job years ago and it caused some nearly irreversible problems that needed counseling. If you want, feel free to PM me.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 09:23 AM   #20
nkdjim2
Experienced
 
nkdjim2 is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Location: SW Va
Posts: 43
I will be back
This thread caught my eye, we have much in common, and I will return another time and throw in my 6 cents. My situation is simmular, but of course I am male, and my wife knows everything, she is never wrong.
__________________


Mine exactly, plus she has Fibro big time, which really complicates the
issues.
Fibro, if bad, is very hard to deal with, That person can be in pain which generates all kinds of problems. OP does Fibro have you this way yet?
I ask because it can get there and stress will speed it up. My wife has it and suffers from hyper tension, a bad combination. It sounds like you are going to have a tough time ahead if you don't have some long discussions with him and may need professional help. With his schedule and work demands it is going to be difficult even if you had a great sex life.
With my wife she may have a couple a days a month with some relief from pain and rarely more, pain killers create more problems,
along with depression lack of confidence stc. This is tough on me and can get me down also. I am lucky to have more time than your husband has.
Please talk to him and make him aware of your feelings and if he doesn't want to listen seek help.
Send me an email if you want to chat, Jim
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 12:38 PM   #21
photograph
Literotica Guru
 
photograph's Avatar
 
photograph is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 13,708
Wow, lots of replies and advice to wade through! I will be back this afternoon to sift through it all, and answer what I can. Thanks again everyone, I really do appreciate it.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 02:20 PM   #22
pfflyerhot
Literotica Guru
 
pfflyerhot's Avatar
 
pfflyerhot is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Alone...
Posts: 6,429
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbritish View Post
you should totally bang his brains out as the "boss man" he would love that.
bigbritish's advice is good, too.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 03:20 PM   #23
amofiga
Literotica Guru
 
amofiga is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Eastern USA
Posts: 1,300
Quote:
Originally Posted by pfflyerhot View Post
bigbritish's advice is good, too.
Right. Especially if she goes into the office to do it during work hours. Then again, not everybody's office situation is set up for that sort of action. I'd think third shift has the best opportunity though.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 04:42 PM   #24
IrishFun69
Experienced
 
IrishFun69 is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 50
May I ask, have you kept yourself well? Do you still shave your legs, dress sexily and look after yourself?

It's NOT easy to do these things with kids!!!

I once went out with a single mom, she was great, caring, amazing in the bed. But as time went on she stopped making the effort. I found it harder and harder to get off and then I just made excuses to avoid sex....

Just saying.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-30-2012, 05:44 PM   #25
arjunindia
Really Experienced
 
arjunindia is offline
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 155
You are local to me if you are in IL .... My reply was long and questions for u so I sent you and IM

Ron
__________________
I am Ron, 29 from India and now in suburbs of Chicago.
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:34 PM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.