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Old 12-08-2012, 02:58 AM   #1
md2020
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Wondering if I'm a sub

Hey everyone, I've never posted here before, but I'm hoping you can help me with a question I have about a guy I met this summer.

Back in July, I went on a date with a guy I met on okcupid, and went home with him for amazing sex. Afterwards we chatted for a long time about everything, and he ended up telling me he's a dom and wanted to know if I liked being submissive. I had thought about it before, so I asked what he meant, and we pretty much had sex for the rest of the night while he talked about what he'd like to do to me. Again it was amazing, and my first time with multiple orgasms.

So anyway, I was super turned on by him and his talk about dominating me, and we started having sex once a week or so. He would do little things like shove me against the wall and pull my hair and spank me, but also go down on me for an hour and make me cum 4 times. He said his plan was to get me more and more "hooked" on him and then he would be "really" dominating me. When I would ask what he meant by that, it scared me a little bit to talk about taking it further than we already were. (for example, he talked about tying me up and blindfolding me and fucking me with another guy, or making me "please his every desire" which was kind of vague and I'm not sure if I'm into that). So things ended up fizzling out because I pulled away a little bit and our schedules were way different too.

But, this past week I was feeling really horny and I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up. He said absolutely, and then we started sexting back and forth a bit, and I said something like "I can't wait for you to take control of me again" and he asked if I meant that I wanted to be his sub. I don't know if I do!! I'm worried that he is more into the kink than I am, and I just like a little bit of playing around and fantasizing. What if he feels I'm leading him on by going along with the beginning part until it gets to be too much for me? But I have been fantasizing about some of the things he said he wanted to do to me, and it gets me really hot. I just wonder if it's the idea of it that makes me hot, but in reality it would be too much for me?

The good thing, though, is that he seems very trustworthy and like he would respect whatever I am comfortable with.

Whew, sorry for the long story, but I could use some advice!
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Old 12-08-2012, 03:42 AM   #2
Netzach
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Communication. If he's legit, he'll be completely fine with talking about this stuff in a fairly neutral way with you, talking about what your limits currently are or might be, what his limits currently are or might be, and all of that stuff. A good time to do this is *after* you've both had orgasms, so that you're having a more rational version of the discussion.
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Old 12-08-2012, 08:59 AM   #3
Sir_Winston54
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What Netzach said, because she's a very very bright and very very experienced in the ways (and not-ways!) of BDSM.

Also, regarding that communication:
Make *all* your concerns clear. "I'm worried that you're much more into this than I am, and I don't want you to think I'm leading you on until we've reached (or passed) my boundaries." "I don't know yet what my boundaries are, and I don't know what *your* boundaries are, and whether we can find a point where we can both be happy with what we're doing."

In preparation for that discussion, Google "BDSM checklists" (or find the thread(s) on checklists in our library (at/near the top of the thread list on the Talk forum page), and go through one (or more) and be brutally honest - with yourself and with him - about which activities on that/those checklist(s) have what effect on you, academically speaking. If he does the same and the two of you exchange checklists and compare and contrast, you'll have some good talking points to start out with.

ETA (edited to add): If you feel a little shyness about presenting him with a checklist, you can still go through one to see some of what are considered BDSM activities just for your own education and edification, and to see how you feel about those activities. That will still give you more knowledge with which to approach that discussion with him.

Remember, too, that things that may be hard limits when you start out can become soft limits after a while, and favorite activities a while later. It's funny how adaptable the human person is...

Good luck to you in your quest, and thank you for writing a literate, organized first query.
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Last edited by Sir_Winston54 : 12-08-2012 at 09:01 AM.
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Old 12-08-2012, 01:12 PM   #4
Lancecastor
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I say if it feels good, do it.

You're an adult.

The buzz from the newness of it/ kinkiness / fear/ mystery/naughtiness...is all part of what's making you cum harder and more often than usual.

So...if you enjoy it, enjoy it.

BDSM is full of people ready to tell the "right" way to be kinky.

If you have average common sense, there's nothing you can't figure out on your own with the help of your insticts.

Have fun!
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Old 12-08-2012, 02:29 PM   #5
Stella_Omega
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What you have been describing is "bottoming." You are letting him do what he wants because it feels the fuck good-- it just happens that what he wants is centered around you.

Being submissive means that his pleasure is more important to you than yours is. Like- all those orgasms you've enjoyed would be god for you because he wanted you to have them.

And,also, you would be spending time doing things to him because they make him feel the fuck good, which after all-- why not? Guys like to be catered to, too.

But there are more ways to play with kink than Dom/sub.
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Old 12-08-2012, 03:43 PM   #6
Netzach
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I'm not a huge fan of lists at the first conversation. You know when lists are awesome? When you've been playing together for a while and you're both thinking "what haven't we done that might be awesome." It's kind of fun, if you're the kind of person who likes to use writing prompts. The time for a writing prompt is after you've learned the alphabet.

I do like the idea of going over one on your own - just be aware that a lot of the more fringe things on there are not meant to freak you out, a lot of people are not into them, some are, and just because I want do do something to someone in the abstract doesn't mean I want to do that WITH my partner if that makes any sense. Don't put too much weight into them.

Like I said, if he's legit, and you ask some point blank questions about his desires and intentions, there should be no issue. There are ways to talk about this stuff without taking every bit of excitement out of the discussion, also. If you're into one another, talking about these things openly is hardly boring.
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In the spirit of equal time, sites like Huffington Post should have sections for male anatomy hanging out instead of just the idiotic celebrity “side boob” and “nip slip” camera ops. I have no idea what that would be like to have a camera in my face at every turn, looking for “the” shot. I know what some of you are saying. “Then why do they wear clothes like that unless they want those photos taken?” I don’t know what to tell ya. Perhaps just don’t take the fuckin picture? Evolve? I don’t know. - Henry Rollins

Last edited by Netzach : 12-08-2012 at 03:52 PM.
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Old 12-08-2012, 04:26 PM   #7
IrisAlthea
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I don't think it's possible to know for sure if these things are just interesting in theory or something you'd like to experience for real. The only way to find out if you like them and like them with this partner is to try.

If you are afraid he might feel like you've led him on if it turns out that this is not for you, then tell him that and tell him that you're nervous and need to talk about expectations and where you're going with this.
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Old 12-08-2012, 08:35 PM   #8
md2020
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Thanks everyone, for the great advice. I know you are all right that I need to just address my concerns with him. He has been easy to talk to in the past so I'm not really nervous about that. What I really enjoyed about sleeping with him before was what Stella_omega pointed out, that he was catering the sex to my orgasms and that's what made it so great. There were actually times when he wouldn't cum at all or even use his penis, and just use his hands and mouth and toys to focus on me. I asked him why once and he said that he really dislikes condoms and wanted to wait until I was comfortable with him not using one. But he also definitely enjoys making me cum these other ways, too.

So, I guess my worry is that he's drawing me in with sex that is all about me, but once I agree to be with him, the tables will turn and he'll expect me to make it all about him. Not that I mind reciprocating, but I'd like to know what I'd be getting into before agreeing to it.
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Old 12-08-2012, 08:53 PM   #9
Stella_Omega
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Quote:
Originally Posted by md2020 View Post
Thanks everyone, for the great advice. I know you are all right that I need to just address my concerns with him. He has been easy to talk to in the past so I'm not really nervous about that. What I really enjoyed about sleeping with him before was what Stella_omega pointed out, that he was catering the sex to my orgasms and that's what made it so great. There were actually times when he wouldn't cum at all or even use his penis, and just use his hands and mouth and toys to focus on me. I asked him why once and he said that he really dislikes condoms and wanted to wait until I was comfortable with him not using one. But he also definitely enjoys making me cum these other ways, too.

So, I guess my worry is that he's drawing me in with sex that is all about me, but once I agree to be with him, the tables will turn and he'll expect me to make it all about him. Not that I mind reciprocating, but I'd like to know what I'd be getting into before agreeing to it.
It's good to know what you want to know, isn't it? I mean-- even just having an inkling of what the questions need to be about.

Problem with asking other people what he means, is that the words are out of alignment to a certain extent. It usually best to ask people what they mean when they say "Sub" or "dom." Read the essay in my sig, before you ask him-- You might discover that he's thinking of something else than what I, for instance, think of.

Tell him that you will feel comfortable with unsafe sex after you know for a fact that he's been safe for ten years, and taken a recent HIV test. See what he says.
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An essay for BDSM Newbies; Top, bottom, dominant, submissive-- and the differences thereof Now rewritten with extra sparkle!
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Old 12-10-2012, 07:04 PM   #10
Primalex
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Quote:
Originally Posted by md2020 View Post
He said his plan was to get me more and more "hooked" on him and then he would be "really" dominating me.

But, this past week I was feeling really horny and I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up. He said absolutely, and then we started sexting back and forth a bit, and I said something like "I can't wait for you to take control of me again" and he asked if I meant that I wanted to be his sub. I don't know if I do!! I'm worried that he is more into the kink than I am, and I just like a little bit of playing around and fantasizing.
So he tells you the plan and you still don't know what he is up to?

Kids.

The whole point of it is that you will do things you aren't comfortable with.
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Old 12-12-2012, 05:15 PM   #11
KlaytonFrost
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If he can be trusted to respect your boundaries and stop or rein it back when you tell him to... well, then follow your gut and do it. If it turns out you don't like it, then stop
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Old 12-12-2012, 08:29 PM   #12
Lancecastor
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Quote:
Originally Posted by md2020 View Post

So, I guess my worry is that he's drawing me in with sex that is all about me, but once I agree to be with him, the tables will turn and he'll expect me to make it all about him. Not that I mind reciprocating, but I'd like to know what I'd be getting into before agreeing to it.

Sounds like you'll have him all figured out and doing whatever you want in no time...so yes, you're a sub.

(ha)

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Old 12-12-2012, 11:56 PM   #13
velvet_crush
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Why not ask him what he's in to? You already know he wants to share you with another guy. Ask him what pleasing "his every desire" actually means. That whole communication thing, as others mentioned.

I got in to a relationship with someone who expressed interest in things like exhibitionism, micro management and gang bangs on and somehow, I overlooked these things I didn't want because he made my pussy so so happy. Once in the relationship, he was surprised when I was surprised he wanted me to fuck someone else.

I also think there's a difference between rough sex and being submissive. Have some fun with sex that gets you off. Explore this and enjoy.
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Old 12-13-2012, 12:56 AM   #14
welkin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by md2020 View Post
So, I guess my worry is that he's drawing me in with sex that is all about me, but once I agree to be with him, the tables will turn and he'll expect me to make it all about him. Not that I mind reciprocating, but I'd like to know what I'd be getting into before agreeing to it.
Well obviously you'll tell him that you don't feel comfortable with certain things he's suggested, you want to take your time and get into the kinks, and there's a possibility you may never get there.

I'd also go slow and test how well he respects your boundaries and make sure he's trustworthy -- it's probably not a good idea to see if he responds to safewords after you're already tied up.

Finally, I wouldn't worry about disappointing him -- maybe you feel that way, maybe you don't (i.e. that you not being able to "make it all about him"). It doesn't sound like it's an exclusive relationship yet, so if he knows you aren't ready and accepts that, I expect he'd get his kinks fulfilled elsewhere.
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