Originally Posted by Fragile_Jester
Tense is a huge issue for me for some reason. To the point I try to go back and correct for it usually. I obviously missed some here
I also compounded the problem by doing a poor job establishing at the beginning where "the present" actually starts in the story. I envisioned it starting with her walk to the train as she recaps the failed evening, but I think I faired to establish that concretely up front.
I liked your story. A neat build-up and a tense sex scene - what more can we ask.
June highlighted your problem with tenses, which is enough to put off readers. When you get to the sex scene you have to continue in the simple past - 'She wrenched', 'She protested' etc. to maintain continuity. You can't just switch to the present.
'Had' and 'Had been' are verbs to express completed events. For silly example, 'Before he came I had fallen asleep'. I think it would be great to start with, 'The night had been so frustrating.' as an opener, followed by new paragraphs in simple past tense, finishing the story with a simple past perfect complement to the opening.
When you review, question every usage of 'had' or 'is'.
You could begin the second para with, 'Xin spent . . .'. Just telling the story, using simple past tense and then ending with another 'had' line would have rounded the story.
Trivial, but, your paragraphs are a bit long for the rolling backlit lit display - 8ish lines is about enough. Also, numbers are best avoided - bra sizes (describe them) and 'six-inch heels' not '6'.
Your first go is pretty good. I enjoyed it.