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Old 12-02-2012, 10:47 AM   #1
Fragile_Jester
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First Story Feedback - Late Night Train

I have never submitted my writing for general consumption before. In fact this story was written for a very special friend in response to a particular conversation, and was a little outside my wheelhouse, so to speak. In fact it may be one of my first start to finish stories.

But I was encouraged to share it, and would welcome feedback, positive or negative, here or via pm. I know its not perfect, so don't hold back. I'll keep my own critique to myself for now so as not to influence anyone who hasn't read it yet.

Late Night Train in NonConsent/Reluctance
http://www.literotica.com/s/late-night-train
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Old 12-02-2012, 11:47 AM   #2
JuneSummers
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I thought it was a very nice and sexy story, but you need to keep an eye on your tenses.

For instance, I would move the sentence "Mortified, Xin had refused offers to call her a cab..." to the previous paragraph and start the next paragraph with "She now regretted the extreme heels..." That way you get a better distinction between the recap of previous events on one side and the current events on the other.

However, the current events start out mostly written in past tense, occasionally shifting to present tense, and once the sexy part starts it's mostly present tense, occasionally lapsing to past tense. For the sake of consistency, I really think you should make a choice between the two and try to stick with it.
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Old 12-03-2012, 09:34 AM   #3
Fragile_Jester
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JuneSummers View Post
I thought it was a very nice and sexy story, but you need to keep an eye on your tenses.

For instance, I would move the sentence "Mortified, Xin had refused offers to call her a cab..." to the previous paragraph and start the next paragraph with "She now regretted the extreme heels..." That way you get a better distinction between the recap of previous events on one side and the current events on the other.

However, the current events start out mostly written in past tense, occasionally shifting to present tense, and once the sexy part starts it's mostly present tense, occasionally lapsing to past tense. For the sake of consistency, I really think you should make a choice between the two and try to stick with it.
Thanks for the feedback , which is spot on. Tense is a huge issue for me for some reason. To the point I try to go back and correct for it usually. I obviously missed some here
I also compounded the problem by doing a poor job establishing at the beginning where "the present" actually starts in the story. I envisioned it starting with her walk to the train as she recaps the failed evening, but I think I faired to establish that concretely up front.

Again, thanks for the useful feedback. I know that can be scarce at times.
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Old 12-05-2012, 06:09 AM   #4
astuffedshirt_perv
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It was good. For a stranger rape story, odd that it ended without the other two getting involved at all. After all, it ends before the second stop!
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Old 12-07-2012, 11:00 PM   #5
Fragile_Jester
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Quote:
Originally Posted by astuffedshirt_perv View Post
It was good. For a stranger rape story, odd that it ended without the other two getting involved at all. After all, it ends before the second stop!
Thanks. I had to work within a time constraint, and for reasons I won't bore you with I wanted to avoid the "group" thing.
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Old 12-10-2012, 10:01 AM   #6
elfin_odalisque
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fragile_Jester View Post
Tense is a huge issue for me for some reason. To the point I try to go back and correct for it usually. I obviously missed some here

I also compounded the problem by doing a poor job establishing at the beginning where "the present" actually starts in the story. I envisioned it starting with her walk to the train as she recaps the failed evening, but I think I faired to establish that concretely up front.
I liked your story. A neat build-up and a tense sex scene - what more can we ask.

June highlighted your problem with tenses, which is enough to put off readers. When you get to the sex scene you have to continue in the simple past - 'She wrenched', 'She protested' etc. to maintain continuity. You can't just switch to the present.

'Had' and 'Had been' are verbs to express completed events. For silly example, 'Before he came I had fallen asleep'. I think it would be great to start with, 'The night had been so frustrating.' as an opener, followed by new paragraphs in simple past tense, finishing the story with a simple past perfect complement to the opening.

When you review, question every usage of 'had' or 'is'.

You could begin the second para with, 'Xin spent . . .'. Just telling the story, using simple past tense and then ending with another 'had' line would have rounded the story.

Trivial, but, your paragraphs are a bit long for the rolling backlit lit display - 8ish lines is about enough. Also, numbers are best avoided - bra sizes (describe them) and 'six-inch heels' not '6'.

Your first go is pretty good. I enjoyed it.
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