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Old 12-09-2012, 02:22 AM   #26
thewantonwife
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissMaidenMinx View Post
First thank you for you replies, and I am really glad my post sparked a small debate. I agree with both sides of it.
Hubby wanted to take the day off work and stalk us just to make sure I was safe, but I thought that was a bit much. (Now that I think about that, maybe hubby would be more open to the idea of going to a munch with me) I do have to call hubby and another friend before and after, and hubby would really like me to drop past his work place afterwards. We haven't set a meeting place as yet, but most of the cafes in the area that we are meeting in are very open and very public.

.
Is your Husband truly comfortable with you exploring aspects of Kink without him? Is their any chance he is giving you the okay out of fear? I think sometimes with a lot of folks they cross boundaries they really aren't comfortable with in an effort to please their partners.
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Old 12-09-2012, 01:24 PM   #27
Netzach
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As someone who decided with their to-be spouse that open relationships were the way to go on the SECOND DATE...it's condescending and none of our business to worry about that.

Good God, it's the lit holy grail of open-ness and honesty and it's STILL up for debate!
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Last edited by Netzach : 12-09-2012 at 01:26 PM.
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Old 12-09-2012, 02:05 PM   #28
thewantonwife
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In the rush to gratify ourselves it can be easy to overlook the possible ramifications. It's not jugement, it's somewhat of a request for information, from reading the information here I don't have a sense of the terms of her marriage. Her husbands insistence or suggestion that he needs to stalk them seems to be a huge red flag that he's not truly comfortable with that.
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we are reconciling, now our journey together continues in our D/s marriage...
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tww
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Old 12-09-2012, 02:17 PM   #29
Netzach
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Maybe he's worried about her safety. Maybe he's aroused by it. Maybe he's displaying his level of comfort with the idea of it in a weird way.

I don't know, I don't presume to know.

You don't know. There's only one person who knows and he's not the person posting.

In our rush to be considered "OK" by other people we don't even know we sometimes overlook the need to ask for safety related information. I'm infinitely more interested in making sure even cheating women don't get themselves killed than worrying about the emotional welfare of a dude who is savvy about where his wife is when she's with someone else. Sounds good.

It's entirely possible that you're right, however I am SURE that this advice is widely available to everyone everywhere who might be thinking about marriage in nontraditional ways. I think it's stellar to know that there's someplace you can ask for advice when you might not fit that mold - oh wait...
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Last edited by Netzach : 12-09-2012 at 02:27 PM.
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Old 12-09-2012, 02:45 PM   #30
IrisAlthea
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thewantonwife View Post
In the rush to gratify ourselves it can be easy to overlook the possible ramifications. It's not jugement, it's somewhat of a request for information, from reading the information here I don't have a sense of the terms of her marriage. Her husbands insistence or suggestion that he needs to stalk them seems to be a huge red flag that he's not truly comfortable with that.
It's new to her so probably to him too. Seems reasonable for both to be a bit cautious. This doesn't mean the open relationship thing is new to them though.
Even if it is, if he has a problem with it it is his responsibility in a relationship between adults to speak up about it.
Telling her to second guess what he says, especially with absolutely no knowledge about their relationship, will not lead to good things.
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Old 12-09-2012, 04:30 PM   #31
query
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SO....what happened???

she seems to be alive, so either this sadist was less than committed or simply didn't want to go back to prison?

kidding.

shall commence cyberstalk to see if my query was answered elsewhere...


Edit:

oops...scanned the entire thread and somehow missed:

Quote:
Originally Posted by MissMaidenMinx View Post
Thank you.

It went well, though there was no attraction. I have more confidence now, so that's a good thing.
I was wondering why no one asked..

10-19 (nevermind).

I now return you to your regular browsing.

carry on...

really.

Last edited by query : 12-09-2012 at 04:34 PM.
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Old 12-15-2012, 08:43 PM   #32
MissMaidenMinx
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Originally Posted by Acktion View Post
And I do hope others will chime in if I am, but I see two problems. And, respectfully, both seem to lie with you.

First, I agree wholeheartedly with the boundaries issue. If he will minimize one, he may minimize others. As a possible bottom or submissive or, possibly, even a masochist, you will have some issues with boundaries until you have a little more experience. But, how do you get the experience?

Eh... why does the phrase "as a virgin on her wedding night" keep popping in my head?

Second, and this is more problematic... if you do happen to have true masochistic tendencies rather than submissive or bottom, then you may not have the well-honed defense mechanisms of others. Any nervousness you feel as your subconscious tries to tell you "hey now, this here just ain't right" may be sublimated with the excitement and potential arousal.

I would suggest in the meantime that you make a list. On this list, put the boundaries that you will NOT accept him crossing, including on first meeting. And err on the side of conservative until you get a little better feel. Hopefully there are some good hearted submissives that will help you with that, as I tend the other side of the coin.

But, I can tell you that minimizing nervousness at a first meeting is a danger sign. He doesn't know you well enough to start reaching for your buttons to see how the controls respond. Until the contract is made, he should act as gentlemanly as a prom date in front of your parents. But, that last is only my opinion and how I tend to be until the contract is made. Then, and only then, will I pull out the flogger and the six foot whip. And then only if it's in the contract.
I actually completely agree with pretty much everything you have said and this first kind of awkward experience has taught me a lot.
I have learned to trust my instincts. I didn't like the way this guy spoke from the beginning but talked myself into believing that was simply because he was the first local I had spoken to.
I have learnt that the big bad world isn't always that big or bad. If I maintain my cautiousness there is no harm in meeting people.
I have learnt how under prepared I am.
I have also realised that my online experiences aren't just filling my head with more theory. I have learnt how to distinguish what type of personality I am looking for through analyzing the qualities I adore in the people I have played online with. I really wish the planet wasn't quite as big as it is, I wouldn't be in this dilemma if it was. Maybe I should continue being patient and wait to play with someone I have known for years.

I have no intention of playing with someone I haven't developed trust with.
And the phrase virgin on her wedding night is quite apt and gives me another angle to think on and reinforces the idea of being patient.

Defense mechanisms... They're in place. I can assure you of that.

I have a lot to learn. I know that.
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Old 12-15-2012, 08:47 PM   #33
MissMaidenMinx
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As for hubbies attitude to all of this, I can only go off what he is telling me. There is a very good chance that he is doing this just to please me, and that does worry me. I know he wants to explore as well but I also know he has confidence issues. I have done what I can to get him past that, it's up to him now. If he can't tell me what's going on in his head, well I don't know what to do. Do I give up the path I am on for the sake of his feelings that I am not even being told about? Or do I continue on my merry way and hope that he will find something out there too?
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Old 12-15-2012, 09:20 PM   #34
thewantonwife
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I'd make sure your communication is definitely in order. Is your husband willing to spank you? Have him put you over his knee and get your bottom nice and pink, then ask him "Are you completely comfortable with another man doing this for me?" (I used spanking but obviously there may be some other aspect of BDSM you may want to explore - and spanking Wanton was one of the most accessible aspects of BDSM that we first explored.)
__________________
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
i found my one and only, we got married.
we drifted apart and i cheated.
we are reconciling, now our journey together continues in our D/s marriage...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

tww
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Old 12-16-2012, 06:32 AM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thewantonwife View Post
I'd make sure your communication is definitely in order. Is your husband willing to spank you? Have him put you over his knee and get your bottom nice and pink, then ask him "Are you completely comfortable with another man doing this for me?" (I used spanking but obviously there may be some other aspect of BDSM you may want to explore - and spanking Wanton was one of the most accessible aspects of BDSM that we first explored.)
The only time he can actually bring himself to take control and/or hurt me is when he is drunk and that's the only time I won't play with him. He doesn't hear no or stop when he is drunk and if I get through to him enough to get him to stop he stalks off with the shits. It's dangerous and scary and will put me off him completely for a couple of days.
His lack of communication does make me think I should just go back to suppressing the want to explore. I don't think that is a brilliant idea though because I know how miserable and frustrated I get. I go off sex completely. I seem to have 2 modes, the nymph and the prude. I don't like the prude much. She is judgmental and mean. The nymph is fun and a little bratty, but not mean.
I know I need to discuss this all with my husband. I just don't know how to get him to be open and honest. Maybe I should simply ask him what he wants out of this and wait patiently and quietly for an answer.
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Old 12-16-2012, 02:28 PM   #36
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Well, your brat sounds like an adult who is trying to get what she wants using the limited resources at her disposal, and your prude sounds like an protective and defensive adult.
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Old 12-16-2012, 07:47 PM   #37
thewantonwife
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Originally Posted by MissMaidenMinx View Post
The only time he can actually bring himself to take control and/or hurt me is when he is drunk and that's the only time I won't play with him. He doesn't hear no or stop when he is drunk and if I get through to him enough to get him to stop he stalks off with the shits. It's dangerous and scary and will put me off him completely for a couple of days.
His lack of communication does make me think I should just go back to suppressing the want to explore. I don't think that is a brilliant idea though because I know how miserable and frustrated I get. I go off sex completely. I seem to have 2 modes, the nymph and the prude. I don't like the prude much. She is judgmental and mean. The nymph is fun and a little bratty, but not mean.
I know I need to discuss this all with my husband. I just don't know how to get him to be open and honest. Maybe I should simply ask him what he wants out of this and wait patiently and quietly for an answer.
If your marriage is important to you, it may be worth it to solidify and improve your communication and relationship before introducing any new factors. We aren't polyamorous, and we don't have an open marriage (nor really the mindset to grasp it), but I would think even there a strong foundation would be crucial.

Sexual gratification and satisfaction is an important human need but it's not the only one nor always the most important.
__________________
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
i found my one and only, we got married.
we drifted apart and i cheated.
we are reconciling, now our journey together continues in our D/s marriage...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

tww
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Old 12-17-2012, 12:27 AM   #38
MissMaidenMinx
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Originally Posted by Stella_Omega View Post
Well, your brat sounds like an adult who is trying to get what she wants using the limited resources at her disposal, and your prude sounds like an protective and defensive adult.
This about sums it up, and thank you for the emphasis on adult.
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Old 12-17-2012, 02:32 AM   #39
IrisAlthea
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Originally Posted by MissMaidenMinx View Post
This about sums it up, and thank you for the emphasis on adult.
And just for emphasis: I'm not with the not even a glass of wine before playing crowd, but not playing with that kind of drunk does not mean that you're a prude.
If you're worried that he's not really ok with this, going back to supressing will probably not help more than on the surface. If you can take the pressure off this somehow it might be easier to resolve in the long run. Perhaps put the pressure on the communicating part rather?
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