Old 11-09-2012, 12:07 PM   #1
ShardsofReality
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Dom Help

I need some unbiased advice.
I love the BDSM scene and all that goes with it, but my husband wants me to be a Dom. I dont know if i can do it. I am coming to realize that I can be fully dominant to someone I do not know or care about (although over time you care about that person and even love them, but differently) but I can not wrap my mind around being dominant over my husband. I also think that I am mostly just a submissive. I can not think of ways to dominate him without some level of degredation that I just can't get past. It really bothers me. What can I do?
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Old 11-09-2012, 12:09 PM   #2
ShardsofReality
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By the way, I am very much a believer of the fact that if you cannot give your partner what they need, eventually they will get it somewhere else and that terrifies me. I know he needs this so how can I change MYSELF to comply?
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Old 11-09-2012, 12:23 PM   #3
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Domination doesn't HAVE to involve degradation, but ultimately it will boil down to how you each view the definition of "dominant" and the act of "domination".

Personally, I've done enough of it to know being the dominant party in a relationship isn't my thing. However, I can take the lead when necessary.

If it's bedroom domination he wants, and you're to be the one in charge, it is fully within you "dom rights" to decide being "in charge" means you get to decide what happens sexually - there are no sexual acts, positions, etc that are inherently dominant or submissive. ie: You can be giving him the best blow job of his life, and still be the one in control. He can spank you silly because you told him to [if you want that]... and you can still ultimately be the one in control.

If he's seeking dominance outside of the bedroom, it is fully within you "dom rights" to ignore the whole "degradation" thing.

"Please pick up dinner on the way home; be sure to include my favorite bottle of wine"

is just as dominant an act as saying

"You'd better bring home dinner you worthless pig."

Make sense?

Now, having said all that, you aren't obligated to be his dominant. You have a right to set your own boundaries & limits. If it isn't your "thing", it isn't your "thing". No harm; no foul. It just means a little more communication and compromise to find a solution.

A little light reading that might help -

The Mistress Manual: The good girl's Guide to Female Dominance
The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners
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Old 11-09-2012, 12:27 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShardsofReality View Post
By the way, I am very much a believer of the fact that if you cannot give your partner what they need, eventually they will get it somewhere else and that terrifies me. I know he needs this so how can I change MYSELF to comply?
I'm also a firm believer that if you force someone you love to change too much, they will eventually grow to resent you.
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Old 11-09-2012, 01:00 PM   #5
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I love to play objectifying degrading and fucked up, but I actually agree that this doesn't make sense to me within a partnership. You want to be a slave? Great, you're my property. I don't tongue-kiss my car either.

My partnership is pretty give-and-take though kinky, I have other people where this blatant inequality and name-calling makes sense.

What's the worst that can happen if he got THAT particular need taken care of elsewhere, say by a decent pro with no sex? He goes off, gets spit on and called everything in the book, you're no longer pestered about this, and he's actually happy to see you again after the fact. You don't HAVE to be everything to him - men are pretty freaking good about not getting carried away when they're paying for it in some way. If you want control over those parameters, you should accept that it might happen or be happening, and insert yourself into the process as if he were looking for a new dentist. There are pros who will do nothing but caning, specialists who refuse to even touch a wiener out there...reconsider the "someone else" angle in a positive light. There are also lifestyle dominant women who are into control without sex. I have had many relationships of control without sex, as most people would understand "cheating" anyway.

If you still can't handle it, make a compartment for it. Say every saturday, dig deep into a kind of roleplay, get as degrading and as degraded as you both want, and then have some symbolic/ritualistic start and end point. People obsessed with "lifestyle" and "realness" hate this kind of thing, but trust me, it's extremely underrated.

If more people built in an "off" switch more kink relationships would probably retain more of the magic. A lot of people think 24/7 D/s is where it's at, while I'd say this is a one percent of one percent kind of thing.
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In the spirit of equal time, sites like Huffington Post should have sections for male anatomy hanging out instead of just the idiotic celebrity “side boob” and “nip slip” camera ops. I have no idea what that would be like to have a camera in my face at every turn, looking for “the” shot. I know what some of you are saying. “Then why do they wear clothes like that unless they want those photos taken?” I don’t know what to tell ya. Perhaps just don’t take the fuckin picture? Evolve? I don’t know. - Henry Rollins

Last edited by Netzach : 11-09-2012 at 01:06 PM.
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Old 11-09-2012, 01:03 PM   #6
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Read the rant linked to in my sig, it might help

And the two books cutie mouse recommended-- really good and worthwhile reading.
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Old 11-09-2012, 07:41 PM   #7
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Man you got sme. Really good advice from the above posts I recomend heading at least some of their advice.

I don't like the whole changing yourself bit. Just not my favorite words. Try channeling or redirecting your energies into his will as best ya can and tell him to do the same for you. Switchin works for a lot of people. I know a naturaly submissive woman thrown into a dominate position way beyond her comfot level and this eventually ruined their marrage. The options of others was mentioned. I guess ultimatly its time for some ggoood ol fashion open honest communication and what you both want and or wanting to try and go from there. Keep us informed id like to know how things work out
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Old 11-09-2012, 11:12 PM   #8
ShardsofReality
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I really appreciate everyone's' responses. They have already been helpful and have made me understand a bit more.
I think the problem I have is not knowing how to have a successful relationship that somehow separates it out. I really like the idea of having a set "day" or time for it. That may help. My husband is very understanding about everything. I don't really want to tell him all of my reservations because then I know he is going to feel bad or like he is putting me out by wanting this. And I don't want to change him at all. I don't want him to feel like he has to.
I downloaded both of those books to read and will work on those. I also read the rant and it is very eye opening and helped me understand a bit more.
Thank you all so much for your help. I really am grateful to have found a place where I can talk freely about this! Thank you again!
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Old 11-12-2012, 06:15 PM   #9
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My love is the same way. But after I gave into full submission, our marriage has never been better. She does not degrade me but I do have to wear a collar (Chain mail necklace). it is not obvious though. You can have a fullfilling experience as a domme without being degrading. I love my Domina now more than ever with the loving domination she gives to me. If you want more information, let me know. I can share many more secrets on how to satisfy your sub.
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Old 12-04-2012, 06:12 PM   #10
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For any of you that are actually interested to know what has been happening in my spawning Don-Slave relationship, I will tell you this; things are looking up for myself and my sub!

To be more specific: I have now read and re-read all of the suggested material. I now read it as if it is my alternative-lifestyle-bible. And I thank each of you that gave suggestions from the bottom of my heart! The submissive in me is adoring each of you and virtually thanking you in any way I can for helping me please my lover. I have learned so many things and found parts of this whole ordeal that get me excited as well as him.

Lets re-create a scene:
We were driving across country because of a business move. We stayed in a family members' home due to lack of funds and had a great time there. He brought us out for the night and we all had a blast. At the conclusion of the night we found out that the bed we were to occupy was his bed. Not copacetic to our ideals. There was to be no actual sex. To top it off, he was literally a partition away from where we were to sleep. Needless to say, I found ways to sexually torment my loving sub. I had him to the point of breaking without ever touching his member or even doing anything actually "sexual," to him.

The next day we left my family members' house and continued our drive. My sub began the drive this time. Before we even pulled out of the drive-way he was panting and so hard he was straining at his jeans. He kept telling me how the night before was a fantasy-come-true and how he was still so turned on by it. Needless to say, although dangerous, we were careful and I continued to goad him for the next 8 hours of driving before allowing him release.

I've found out that this is very much about being honest about each persons' feelings. All of your dirty, embarrassing, secret feelings. It is about putting it out there and gauging each others' reactions. You have to know and understand, but most of all, TRUST each other. I've learned that it is OK for me as the dominant to let my feelings be known. I do not have to be mysterious about everything. In fact it is more beneficial to both parties!

Just so you all know something I've found that excites me: I LOOOOOVE "spanking" a body part that has hair follicles. Just hard enough to make each pore stand on end. MMMMM!!!!!!

And again, THANK YOU! To everyone that gave me advice. You not only gave me the courage to carry this out, and you didn't just help me learn that it is not wrong, you helped me be at PEACE with it and allowed me to get past my fears enough to ENJOY this, like my Sub/Husband NEEDS. So thank you all.

I will keep anyone that is still interested posted!
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Old 12-04-2012, 06:14 PM   #11
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Yeah! Typos! First line: I meant "Dom-Sub," not, "Don-Sub!" I don't know who "Don" is but I do not appreciate him infringing on my relationship!
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Old 01-02-2013, 11:34 PM   #12
tonysmistress
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Smile

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkeangelspet View Post
My love is the same way. But after I gave into full submission, our marriage has never been better. She does not degrade me but I do have to wear a collar (Chain mail necklace). it is not obvious though. You can have a fullfilling experience as a domme without being degrading. I love my Domina now more than ever with the loving domination she gives to me. If you want more information, let me know. I can share many more secrets on how to satisfy your sub.
I would love more info on how to satisfy my sub! :-) we r 1200 miles apart and have been talking about this for over a year. We r finally going to do it in 8 days. I am so excited but also nervous because I want it to be awesome. I want to dominate him but not degrade him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
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Old 01-02-2013, 11:44 PM   #13
Stella_Omega
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Originally Posted by tonysmistress View Post
I would love more info on how to satisfy my sub! :-) we r 1200 miles apart and have been talking about this for over a year. We r finally going to do it in 8 days. I am so excited but also nervous because I want it to be awesome. I want to dominate him but not degrade him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
If your sub is genuinely your sub-- he satisfies you, and his satisfaction comes from knowing he did a good job of it. In other words, how you satisfy a submissive is by letting him know, very clearly, what you want to do and, if necessary, how.

If YOU are solely concerned in how to satisfy HIM-- then you are not thinking "dominant." You are thinking "top." This is not a bad thing, nor a good one--It's only important that the both of you are satisfied. But the method of satisfaction depends more on what he wants.

Pick up copies of the two books that cutiemouse linked to in the second post in this thread. You'll love them!
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Old 01-06-2013, 01:00 PM   #14
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Becoming interested in femdom myself, now. Would love to hear positive responses from both women and men about how they communicate their needs and put them into action for mutual satisfaction and pleasure. Are men really being truthful about what they need, and are women wholly comfortable about what is asked of them?
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Old 01-06-2013, 01:39 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Vicky76 View Post
Becoming interested in femdom myself, now. Would love to hear positive responses from both women and men about how they communicate their needs and put them into action for mutual satisfaction and pleasure. Are men really being truthful about what they need, and are women wholly comfortable about what is asked of them?
I suspect that many men, like me, are interested in something called 'edging' where they are sexually teased by their partner to the point of ejaculation, but this is not allowed; instead, they are subjected to prolonged teasing which can go on as long as they and their partner want it to. Dressing up and fantasy play a part in this, as does bondage and compliance punishment. I suggest you talk to your partner and work out something that appeals to you both, and go for it.
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Old 01-06-2013, 03:31 PM   #16
Netzach
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Originally Posted by Vicky76 View Post
Becoming interested in femdom myself, now. Would love to hear positive responses from both women and men about how they communicate their needs and put them into action for mutual satisfaction and pleasure. Are men really being truthful about what they need, and are women wholly comfortable about what is asked of them?
Men are generally truthful to a fault about what they want ONCE they are completely secure and safe that they're going to be:

listened to
not yelled at
not made fun of (even if they want to be made fun of, at the discussion point, you have to listen with a straight face)

I tend to be the asker rather than the askee in my relationship. If I'm not comfortable, I can say "no" or "not now."

If you feel obligated to perform or please, rather than explore or share, then you might want to do some soul searching about being Dominant.

If you're really interested in being Dominant, get more in touch with what you're asking. If you need information, then ask for information, don't decide your next move is only based on the information you get.
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In the spirit of equal time, sites like Huffington Post should have sections for male anatomy hanging out instead of just the idiotic celebrity “side boob” and “nip slip” camera ops. I have no idea what that would be like to have a camera in my face at every turn, looking for “the” shot. I know what some of you are saying. “Then why do they wear clothes like that unless they want those photos taken?” I don’t know what to tell ya. Perhaps just don’t take the fuckin picture? Evolve? I don’t know. - Henry Rollins
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Old 01-06-2013, 04:57 PM   #17
Stella_Omega
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Netzach View Post
Men are generally truthful to a fault about what they want ONCE they are completely secure and safe that they're going to be:

listened to
not yelled at
not made fun of (even if they want to be made fun of, at the discussion point, you have to listen with a straight face)

I tend to be the asker rather than the askee in my relationship. If I'm not comfortable, I can say "no" or "not now."

If you feel obligated to perform or please, rather than explore or share, then you might want to do some soul searching about being Dominant.

If you're really interested in being Dominant, get more in touch with what you're asking. If you need information, then ask for information, don't decide your next move is only based on the information you get.
So true, all of this.
Also, you can reverse the genders and be equally correct. Women likewise want to be sure they'll be listened to, and won't be yelled at or laughed at.
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Old 01-07-2013, 04:32 PM   #18
Netzach
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So true, all of this.
Also, you can reverse the genders and be equally correct. Women likewise want to be sure they'll be listened to, and won't be yelled at or laughed at.
Absolutely. I think we're generally supported for not keeping our emotional cards face-down as stringently though, sharing is less suspect. Wanting - well, that's another thing. So I've known women to share in situations where it's not safe, it's not demanded, it's not helpful to them - because we're taught less entitlement to privacy, I think.

Guys, less so.
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In the spirit of equal time, sites like Huffington Post should have sections for male anatomy hanging out instead of just the idiotic celebrity “side boob” and “nip slip” camera ops. I have no idea what that would be like to have a camera in my face at every turn, looking for “the” shot. I know what some of you are saying. “Then why do they wear clothes like that unless they want those photos taken?” I don’t know what to tell ya. Perhaps just don’t take the fuckin picture? Evolve? I don’t know. - Henry Rollins
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Old 01-07-2013, 06:37 PM   #19
Stella_Omega
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Absolutely. I think we're generally supported for not keeping our emotional cards face-down as stringently though, sharing is less suspect. Wanting - well, that's another thing. So I've known women to share in situations where it's not safe, it's not demanded, it's not helpful to them - because we're taught less entitlement to privacy, I think.

Guys, less so.
Entitlement for men maybe-- for women, try safety.

I mean, both genders have reasons for hiding and keeping themselves secret, which are a little bit different depending on the roles they are expected to play.

Men, often, don't open up because men are expected to mock people for opening up-- women, often, don't open up to men because they expect men to mock people who open up.
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