Hot fuck from my boyfriend the other day. Feedback please?

[xxxPleasures]

So this is the first time I've ever posted on here. I've written a story about a sexual experience I had with my boyfriend the other day. I've never written my erotic experiences down before so feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks


It was my boyfriends day off from work. Myself and a couple of his friends came over to his house to swim in his pool as it was a boiling hot day. The whole day consisted of my boyfriend and I hanging out in the pool together while his friends sat on the side tanning and being boring. As usual, I had a lot of energy bursting inside of me so I made the most of the time I had in the pool by splashing around in circles and getting piggy back rides from my boyfriend. It had been almost a year since we'd had a swim together but it was one of my favorite things to do. Not that I can actually swim well, but I just like the feeling of being in water. It's actually quite exhilarating and a good bonding experience.*

Kurt had been looking unbelievably great all day. I loved watching the water drip off his luscious yummy body. After a few hours of pool fun, his boring friends left and we decided to move into the spa which was located directly next to the pool. This was the spa where we'd had our first kiss back when I was sixteen and felt my first connection to him. He was a few years older and definitely the sexiest guy I'd ever met. Three years later and he's mine. I took off my bikini top because I wanted to experience the feeling of my naked breasts freely floating in the water. Ten minutes later and Kurt pulled his underwear down, exposing his erection to me. I grabbed his cock with my hand, running it up and down his shaft as he slid his finger inside my pussy while my bikini bottoms were pushed to the side of my lips. At this point, I was sitting on the edge of the spa with my legs spread in the water. Kurt stood in front of me as he began finger fucking me. He knew how to make me wet. He soon pulled me lower into the water as my pussy swayed against the water level. He pushed me against the spa wall while his cock filled my juicy hole. He thrust inside of me, each push making me more wet as his cock throbbed against my dripping vaginal walls. My legs spread further apart as he pounded me harder and then teased me by sliding his cock in and out, slowly but deeply as I felt my g-spot being penetrated to the max which made me moan loud enough for the neighbors to hear. Then he would start up again, fucking me hard as my back grazed up against the edge of the spa although I secretly lusted after the stinging pain that came with it, knowing I'd have hot red marks to remind me afterwards. He kissed my neck, then switched between sticking his wet tounge deep inside my mouth and sucking my pink little nipples as he flicked them with his tongue, making them even more erect. I knew he was close as he pumped his hard cock into me faster and faster, squeezing my breast as the water swayed beneath us. He wrapped his arms around me tightly as I felt him shudder and his warm cum sprayed inside me, filling my cunt with what I'd been craving. Just as he pulled his cock out of me and I thought it was all over, he lowered his head to my pulsating lips with water up to his neck as he licked my pink bits, lapping his tongue up and down my wet inner lips. I arched my back and moaned in excitement, extending my arms behind my back as they rested on the ground behind the spa. He soon focused on my clitoris, circling his tongue around it and flicking it back and and forth as my legs began to shake. His saliva felt so juicy and naughty against my little cunt that I knew I wouldn't last much longer. I thrusted my hips towards his mouth while my head tilted back, occasionally taking a peek to watch his head between my legs, eating me out. He began suckling on my clitoris as I felt the waves of my juice fluctuate inside me. I screamed at the top of my lungs as he sucked me harder. My legs shook in pleasurable agony, it felt as though I was going to pass out. Finally, a powerful orgasm ran through my body as my juices squirted from my pussy hole, running through the water surrounding me. I collapsed in sweet relief. A light turned on inside. Kurts dad had arrived home. Good timing I thought, as I quickly put my bikini top back on.*

[Prince Albert]

Pretty good story. Thank you for writing it.

[TxRad]

Ok, a couple of things.

First off, stories get submitted to Lit for posting on the site. You do not post them to the forum.

A story must be 750 words in minimum length.

Break big chunks of text up into smaller paragraphs of around 6 to 6 sentences. Large chunks of text looks like a wall to a reader and is hard to read on a screen.

[xxxPleasures]

Originally Posted by TxRad

Ok, a couple of things.

First off, stories get submitted to Lit for posting on the site. You do not post them to the forum.

A story must be 750 words in minimum length.

Break big chunks of text up into smaller paragraphs of around 6 to 6 sentences. Large chunks of text looks like a wall to a reader and is hard to read on a screen.

Whoooops. I'm new to this babe. Was just wanting some feedback before I actually submit a story. I guess there's no harm there . Oh and as for the paragraphs, usually I would break it down although I'm writing this from my phone which means I can't scroll up to see my previous text while I'm writing which makes it quite complicated..oh well! Thanks anyway babe.

[PennLady]

Originally Posted by xxxPleasures

Whoooops. I'm new to this babe. Was just wanting some feedback before I actually submit a story. I guess there's no harm there . Oh and as for the paragraphs, usually I would break it down although I'm writing this from my phone which means I can't scroll up to see my previous text while I'm writing which makes it quite complicated..oh well! Thanks anyway babe.

If you're going to write more and you want feedback before submitting, check in the Editor's Forum. There's a list of editors available for each month at the top of the list of threads.

[sr71plt]

Originally Posted by PennLady

If you're going to write more and you want feedback before submitting, check in the Editor's Forum. There's a list of editors available for each month at the top of the list of threads.

Ayup. Couldn't make it to the end of the second sentence; the mistakes were piling up too deep.

[SamScribble]

Grammar, xxxPleasures! Even smut needs to follow a few of the accepted grammatical conventions (or have a very good reason not to). I couldn't make it to the end of the first paragraph.

My suggestion: put it away for a few days and then look at it again with a more critical eye. And then, when you've tidied it to the best of your ability, find yourself an editor, someone who can help you to craft what you clearly think is a hot story into something others might want to read.

Good luck. After the first half a dozen stories, it does get easier. Well, sometimes.

[lovecraft68]

I would like to look "unbelievably great" all day

Just kidding. It has potential, but you need to look at this on a device other than your phone and go through it a lot more closely.

Lit is a free site and you don't have to be an english major to publish here, but you do need the basics.

As someone suggested there are volunteer editors.

Also even though this is the "author's hangout" you'll get friendlier advice over in story ideas. They're pretty cool over there.

You'll also get a bout 20 different suggestions on what you can do from here with your story.

Good luck

[sr71plt]

This message is hidden because lovecraft68 is on your ignore list.

[KlaytonFrost]

As for feedback: I liked the story, but felt that sometimes things were out of order. You tell us that he has a finger inside of you before you mention your bikini bottoms. And you give a lot of detail about what's going on before revealing that you're sitting on the edge of the pool. Getting everything chronological really helps