Old 11-28-2012, 12:31 PM   #8376
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The lights were lowered and the gentle, seductive sound of a saxophone
played through the air. She slowly moved her hand up my thigh.

In a whispered tone she said, "I'm so horny, I want you right now."

Our hearts beat faster and soon we were in a moment of hot passion.

The sax solo rang out... till suddenly it hit a bum note.

"You've ruined my musical recital," screamed our daughter, as she stormed
off the school stage.
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Old 11-28-2012, 03:00 PM   #8377
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tio_Narratore View Post
"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you contribute to the global decline in marine biodiversity."

- Tio Narratore
Then there's:

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

--Author unknown (by me, anyway)
 

Old 11-28-2012, 03:06 PM   #8378
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jehoram View Post
Then there's:

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

--Author unknown (by me, anyway)
And there will be roasted hot dogs!

Well, one anyway.

Which reminds me: why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.
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Old 11-28-2012, 06:47 PM   #8379
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I was seeing this girl for a couple of years ...
and then the nagging started ...

"I wanna know your name",
"Why are you following me?",
and finally
"Get out of my bushes"
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Old 11-28-2012, 08:14 PM   #8380
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Subject: Vet Caps and Morons

Vet Caps & Morons
A few days ago my best friend from high school sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend Jack was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.
Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.

"1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it."

This was beginning to be way fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.'

"Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.


What a great time!

Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
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Old 11-28-2012, 10:38 PM   #8381
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JackLuis View Post
Subject: Vet Caps and Morons

Vet Caps & Morons
A few days ago my best friend from high school sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap.
<snip> Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart...
I used to work for a confectionary company with a small chain of stores. They preferred using Peter Pan brand peanut butter and depending on the time of year, each store could go through a 30 pound case per week. So, once a month, I'd head off Sam's Club (Walmart's warehouse store) and buy eight cases of peanut butter. The peanut butter is sold in a five pound, round container. There are six of these five pounders per case. So it was a definitely a load of peanut butter and nothing else on my rolling flat cart. Never fail, someone in line would ask me, in a rather incredulous tone, why I needed so much peanut butter. Unable to resist some sport at their expense, here were my three favorite responses:

3) Me: (belligerent in tone) What? Is there some kind of law against how much peanut butter one person can buy? It's peanut butter, okay? I should be allowed to buy as much as I want. And you better not be hear tomorrow when I come back for the jelly!

2) Me: I love this stuff. Can't get enough. I'm actually 104 years old. You should try it.

1) Me, replying to woman standing behind me who asked: My wife and I are going to have a very special party. Maybe you'd like to come to it? (Turning, I see that the woman is quite obviously pregnant. I take one glance at her belly and then at her.) Looks as if you've already been to one our special parties.
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Old 11-30-2012, 03:25 PM   #8382
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Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN
 

Old 12-01-2012, 01:34 AM   #8383
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Pussy Surprise!
Speaking of Cat's expressions.
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Old 12-01-2012, 10:00 PM   #8384
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Annual Physical

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
 

Old 12-01-2012, 10:01 PM   #8385
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Doc where do you want me to put my clothes ?

A Woman walked into her doctors office for a appointment the doctor told her to remove her clothes and put on a hospital gown and he would return in 5 minutes when the doctor returned back in his office the lady asked him where could she put her clothes at and the doctor turned off the lights and said you can put them over there on top of mine.......
 

Old 12-02-2012, 09:13 AM   #8386
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Doc where do you want me to put my clothes ?

A Woman walked into her doctors office for a appointment the doctor told her to remove her clothes and put on a hospital gown and he would return in 5 minutes when the doctor returned back in his office the lady asked him where could she put her clothes at and the doctor turned off the lights and said you can put them over there on top of mine.......

I love this one, DG.

The fact that you haven't got any punctuation makes it even more fun.
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Old 12-02-2012, 09:41 AM   #8387
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This is an old one that I always liked. I came across it again and decided to post it.
DG


Need Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
 

Old 12-02-2012, 07:38 PM   #8388
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You never know what a good thing you have until it's gone.

Toilet paper is a perfect example.
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Old 12-03-2012, 05:36 AM   #8389
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Oh Bless the 'Help' Desk.

A firm had a competition to find the best 'Help Desk' stories; this is the voted winner:-

Client (on the phone): Oh, I'm seeing the mouse pointer move on its own.
Me: Yes, sir. It's me. I've already got remote access to your computer. I will solve your problem right away.
Client: Oh, that's nice. Do you want me to turn on the lights? Maybe you'll see better.


It was December 28, and my mother had a problem with the PC because she didn’t know how to access the internet, and I told her: “You need to open the window and that’s it.”
And she spent the Christmas holidays with a big cold.

Help-desk: “Please go to 'My PC'.”
User: “Do I have to go there? Take into account that I am in another building.”

A user was having trouble printing documents. He told me that the computer said it can't find printer, adding: "I've tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but the computer can't see the printer."
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Old 12-04-2012, 09:19 AM   #8390
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I Thought You Were My Wife

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
 

Old 12-04-2012, 10:07 AM   #8391
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"How's the new girlfriend?" said his mate.
"She's OK", was the reply, "but she's rather too much like vodka."
"Eh?"
"Fine at night be a real headache in the morning."
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:57 AM   #8392
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A man bursts into the bedroom he shares with his wife holding a sheep under his arm. "Honey," he declares, "this is the pig I've been fucking while you're unavailable."

She stares at him incredulously for a moment before replying, "That's a sheep."

"Shut up," he answers. "I wasn't taking to you."
 

Old 12-04-2012, 01:51 PM   #8393
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It was Christmas Eve and a woman was at the meat counter of her local store, picking over the last few remaining turkeys.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

"No, madam," he replied, "they're all dead."
 

Old 12-04-2012, 03:28 PM   #8394
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This is cute especially if you like 'The Big Bang Theory'. They do their own mob dance.
Gary

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdLvUkLW5Jk

 

Old 12-05-2012, 07:00 AM   #8395
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DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people are breeding and can vote!!
 

Old 12-06-2012, 06:54 AM   #8396
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New Women's Study

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..

10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
 

Old 12-06-2012, 07:50 AM   #8397
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One beautiful afternoon in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replied.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals. I appreciate all that you have given me, but I’m just not happy”, Adam answered.
“Why is that, Adam?”, God asked.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I have no one special to share it with and I’m lonely”, Adam explained to God.

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you”, God told him.
Perplexed, Adam asked, “What’s a woman, Lord?”

God replies, “This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.. She will cook and clean for you and do everything that you ask without ever complaining. She will provide every sexual need and fantasy you will ever think of and meet all of your sexual needs. She will bear your children and raise them without complaints. This woman will be the perfect companion for you.”

“Wow! That sounds great,” exclaimed Adam. “Where is she?”
“Not so fast,” said the Lord. “A woman this fantastic is going to cost you.”
“How much”, asked Adam.
“An arm and leg”, God replied.

Adam thought about this for a while, then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”



The rest is history.
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Old 12-07-2012, 06:00 AM   #8398
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The Faith Healer

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."
 

Old 12-08-2012, 08:47 AM   #8399
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Factory Workers

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
 

Old 12-08-2012, 08:54 AM   #8400
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The Perfect Story

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

* A Male's Response *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
 
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