Go Back   Literotica Discussion Board > Main Literotica Forums > How To...

Reply
 
Thread Tools

Old 11-23-2012, 03:47 PM   #26
JohnZee
Experienced
 
JohnZee is offline
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeachMomma View Post
Hon, this wasn't meant as any kind of personal attack or snap judgment on your character. We don't know you; we only have your written word to go by. You are probably the least stalker-ish person on the planet, but what you've written does come across as stalker-ish. Please forgive the assumption because as a PP already said, a lot of us have been stalked before, and this behavior reminds us a lot of some of the flags that were raised in our previous situations.

Having said that, I still can't understand the significance of the "third date." Three dates isn't much at all; it's still very much in the getting-to-know-you stage. If she's being cautious about making a commitment this early in the game with you, she's being smart. She may still be trying to decide if you're as great as you seem to be. Lots of people are skeptics; maybe she's thinking that it's too good to be true. If she's been burned before, it's very likely that she's doing just that. The fact that the two of you met on a dating site may be slowing her down as well.

My husband and I met online; we knew each other in real life for at least 4-5 months before we had sex - and even longer before we mentioned love or commitment. (And we'd been friends online for a few years before we met in real life.) We'd both been burned in previous relationships, and it took us a while to realize that we could trust our own judgment about each other.

The point is - you'll never know unless you talk to her about it. We can sit here all day and second guess her motives and intentions, but she's really the only one who can tell you.

I truly hope for the best for you. Time will tell if she's "the one." In the meantime, try to just enjoy your budding friendship and relationship. Over-analyzing the relationship this early in the game probably isn't very wise. Face it; you barely know her - and she barely knows you.
True. Every word of it. Thanks for taking the time to let me have your thoughts.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-23-2012, 04:04 PM   #27
JohnZee
Experienced
 
JohnZee is offline
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 59
BTW - My flatmate has a mild stalker, i.e. a guy she turned down after going for a drink with, but she has to see him. It's got to the point where he verbally attacks me when I see him, as well as her ex-BF. I couldn't figure out why he was taking swipes at me when I saw him, so I asked her, whereupon she told me she turned him down. I was totally puzzled as to why this guy would try to goad me for no reason... I truly hope he doesn't up the ante... At this point we both view him as a harmless annoyance. I do hope you don't see me starting a thread asking for advice on dealing with him!

I only mention this because I find the concept of being thought of as a similar type to the person outlined above deeply offensive.

Any girls (or guys) who read this who've been stalked really have my sympathies - it must be f*cking horrible. The extent of my stalking has been to click on my favourites, see she's been on the site, and wonder 'is she that into me?'.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-23-2012, 05:37 PM   #28
BeachMomma
Sweet n Innocent
 
BeachMomma's Avatar
 
BeachMomma is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In your wildest dreams
Posts: 3,976
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnZee View Post
B The extent of my stalking has been to click on my favourites, see she's been on the site, and wonder 'is she that into me?'.
If she isn't that into you, she doesn't deserve you. It's that simple.
__________________
My Literotica Submissions

Gentlemen may prefer blondes, but it takes a real man to handle a redhead.


I came to Literotica for the Eros. I stay for the Agape (LakeSailer_MI, 2013).
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-24-2012, 12:41 AM   #29
dollface007
Literotica Guru
 
dollface007's Avatar
 
dollface007 is offline
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: midwest, USA
Posts: 814
Hi JohnZee...It looks like you've made the classic rookie mistake of jumping into online dating with lots of EXPECTATIONS and now comes the painful process of finding out that other people have different expectations - and worse yet, they don't really give a shit about your expectations b/c they don't know you and aren't required to care about you. Believe me...I've totally been there, on both sides.

You have to keep in mind that your current expectations are pretty rigid: what happens on the third date, what PR women are like, the grace period after going on a date after which it's cool for you check your online profile. None of that matters. It seems like instead of going out there and having fun, you are setting up lots of rules for people to follow. I'm not saying that people shouldn't be friendly and straightforward with each other. I'm just getting the sense that you are a holding on so tight to these expectations that you'll suffocate any good thing that comes along.

People will stop communicating with you even though you thought you had a great date. People will text and say they are going to call you later and will never contact you again. People will set up dates, cancel, set up another date, cancel again, and repeat the process. This is what happens when you don't know people and they don't know you and there's no *real* obligation to the other person. It's both the blessing and the curse of the online dating world. Bottom line is that you just have to CHILLLLLLLL and go with the flow and move on to the next girl.

As for this specific woman, she's just not that into you. If you enjoy hanging out, make dinner for her. But if you're already talking about getting "hurt" after 2 dates, maybe you should just move on. In fact, maybe you shouldn't go out on more than one or 2 dates with anyone right now. Try getting used to just doing it for the experience, and not making it about your expectations of how a particular woman should or should not behave.

Last edited by dollface007 : 11-24-2012 at 12:48 AM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-24-2012, 07:33 AM   #30
wicked woman
from my travels
 
wicked woman's Avatar
 
wicked woman is offline
Join Date: May 2003
Location: True north strong and free
Posts: 15,609
Wondering when it became the norm to need to be exclusive when you were still in the 'getting to know you' phase. Wondering when it became the norm to ask about going away for a weekend after a few dates. Wondering when it became the norm to fixate on not getting hurt when you haven't really even got into a relationship yet. Wondering when it became the norm to think of dating as just a means to have sex...ok that ones been around a while. Wondering when it became the norm to miss the getting to know you phase and jump into the exclusive relationship stuff. When did the norm become you can only date one person at a time, especially after only a few dates and with no agreement to being exclusive.


Do you see the pattern that I'm suggesting is your norm? Dude your expectations aren't everyone's and may not be hers. You're jumping way too fast. If you're that afraid of getting hurt you're not ready to play the game yet. Cool your jets. There is no magic to the third date.

I've no idea what is my favourite flavour of ice cream if all I tasted was chocolate and butterscotch. I can like those flavours but I need to taste more of the flavours before I decide what I like the best. Dating is the same thing. Ideally you date more than a few people to see who's available (as in type of people)...who's the best fit with you. Just because you like her doesn't mean you know her well enough to make that determination.

Try not making this a monogamous relationship before it is. Try just enjoying yourself. And let her do the same thing.
__________________
We are not primarily on earth to see through one another, but to see one another through."
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-24-2012, 03:29 PM   #31
f15
Experienced
 
f15 is offline
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by wicked woman View Post
Wondering when it became the norm to need to be exclusive when you were still in the 'getting to know you' phase. Wondering when it became the norm to ask about going away for a weekend after a few dates. Wondering when it became the norm to fixate on not getting hurt when you haven't really even got into a relationship yet. Wondering when it became the norm to think of dating as just a means to have sex...ok that ones been around a while. Wondering when it became the norm to miss the getting to know you phase and jump into the exclusive relationship stuff. When did the norm become you can only date one person at a time, especially after only a few dates and with no agreement to being exclusive.


Do you see the pattern that I'm suggesting is your norm? Dude your expectations aren't everyone's and may not be hers. You're jumping way too fast. If you're that afraid of getting hurt you're not ready to play the game yet. Cool your jets. There is no magic to the third date.

I've no idea what is my favourite flavour of ice cream if all I tasted was chocolate and butterscotch. I can like those flavours but I need to taste more of the flavours before I decide what I like the best. Dating is the same thing. Ideally you date more than a few people to see who's available (as in type of people)...who's the best fit with you. Just because you like her doesn't mean you know her well enough to make that determination.

Try not making this a monogamous relationship before it is. Try just enjoying yourself. And let her do the same thing.

This is pretty much spot on. But I will put my twist on it and this is speaking for myself. I am pretty much a gut feeling person and could tell within a minute if there was anything there. What's scary about the online dating is the fact that every woman I went out with except one was ready to put out immediately which is exactly what turned me off in most cases. Quite frankly finding women to jump into bed with is easy. Finding a good girl for a real relationship is another. But once I realized that most people are constantly looking for the next great one I went and had some fun. And I do mean some fun. And the women I would go out with were classy and had great careers, yada, yada.

He is new to the Online thing and I understand your feelings. If I found one that interested me I completely quit looking for the "next best thing" and wanted to put my efforts into that person and see where it went. I had a mindset that the one I was chasing was the same way and it doesn't quite work like that. You are getting interest which is great and try to not wear your heart on your sleeve.

If you are any type of a decent guy you are the deciding factor in a relationship. Whoever disagrees is their opinion but I would rather have an outtee than an innee when looking for love. Don't let them play head games and make sure you are not playing head games for yourself. It sounds like you want a relationship and you can find that online. There is some great girl out there for you but be ready to put up with a little crap before you find her.

Good luck and go have some fun (and if you want to have a romp or 2 that's ok, just wrap it up and go plow the field Lol.)
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-24-2012, 03:42 PM   #32
JohnZee
Experienced
 
JohnZee is offline
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 59
Thanks.

I explained the situation to a couple of my closest friends (male) last night. Guess what? They pretty much said exactly the same thing as the last few posts. Their key point was to have fun and not take it too seriously.

I've been exchanging messages with a couple of other girls since last posting and am having fun. I am finding the ice cream analogy true (I always have). The girl that provoked me to start the thread is the one I find the most sexy, if honest (she's a 'type' I find sexy - bumps in all the right places). However, if I get to know the other two, maybe they can activate my desire mentally? Some girls have done that before. I wasn't immediately thinking of them sexually, but after a while I suddenly started having more sexual thoughts about them. The mind is a powerful tool (states obvious).

The only real caveat I'm going to make is that, whether it takes 3 or 10 dates, once we're having sex, both parties have to be monogamous. If they want to walk away at any point, that's their prerogative; but - call me old fashioned (I don't care) - I'm not having sex with anyone unless their intention is to be monogamous from that point until we split (or walk into the sunset together - how optimistic am I?).
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-24-2012, 07:41 PM   #33
Thefamiliar
Really Experienced
 
Thefamiliar is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 141
With the added replies, I think you know the answer. You are seeing red flags, and questioning the interest...

One thing about love is it really should flow mutually. Sexual attraction isn't always the best.

Here is something to analyze though. Does cold and emotionless turn you on where sweet and affectionate seem to not stir that?

Spend time with the sweet and nice girls, the worst that can happen is a friendship, the best, your perspective may change and you get a keeper that can be your personal porn queen. Lol

Bottom line if the question is there, they aren't the one. Sweet and nice probably isn't either. But its about finding what you want, and whats comfortable for you, trial and error til fate steps in.

Please do be picky. But don't let it box you in.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-24-2012, 08:09 PM   #34
f15
Experienced
 
f15 is offline
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 36
One other thing is if you start to fall head over heels for someone decide your top 5 of what you will or will not tolerate. I kind of veered off path a little just to go out on a few dates and figure myself out in the game of dating. But when I came back to reality my core values and interest were not going to be changed. Well, how about limited flexibility Lol.....
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-24-2012, 09:13 PM   #35
bob53
Experienced
 
bob53 is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 65
Also keep in mind what truly are deal breakers for you as an individual.

Be sure to think outside the box a bit. I really find it interesting when people think a relationship HAS to look a certain way.
Nothing is off the table for terms of the relationship unless it is one of your deal breakers.

I have seen plenty of talk about monogamous but does that mean physical, emotional or both? I am mentioning this as all to often in our western culture way to many people assume their relationship must look a certain way. However even within our culture all to often 2 people will think a committed relationship means XYZ but one of them will think it means ABC.

Another words don't assume ANYTHING about the relationship until each of you have discussed AND agreed upon it.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-24-2012, 09:56 PM   #36
pfflyerhot
Literotica Guru
 
pfflyerhot's Avatar
 
pfflyerhot is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: In perpetual limbo.
Posts: 7,708
Quote:
I asked her if she'd let me cook for her 'this weekend' (i.e. not naming a day). She texted back, 'can't do this weekend, how about next friday?'. We've texted each other in a friendly manner today and have confirmed next Fri.
Texting most of your relationship business will kill any relationship. Talk, ask, listen... do it in person or at least by phone; texting anything other than "I'm running late" or "please bring whiskey" or "do you have condoms?" is begging for misinterpretation. Clarification is a great thing. It's my go-to modus operandi in relating to people. Unless you hear the words coming out of a person's mouth yourself, everything you think they think is... hear-say ... as they say. Or, as I've said before, "I can't know what's in your head unless you tell me." Until then, I only think I know (and what I think is probably much worse than reality!). Talk. Talk. Talk. Listen. Listen. Listen. It's not like your kicking each other or anything. Just talking...
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-25-2012, 05:57 AM   #37
JohnZee
Experienced
 
JohnZee is offline
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 59
The last few posts are really high quality, all of them. Thank you all - much appreciated.

After the 1st date (which started as a quick meet in a cafe and ended up as the whole day) she texted me 1st thing next morning to make another date. Likewise, after second date she did the same. We then had a 2 week layoff, cancelling 2 dates, one because she had a bug, and then because I did. It seems that, since then, she's been a lot cooler. She ended the last date abruptly, although I got my first proper kiss (which is something she's very good at - i.e. she's obviously not lacking experience or was nervous).

Maybe she acted keen to reel me in, and now she's got me where she wants she's going to behave cool? Maybe she's just not that keen. Who the f*ck knows? I've had other (aged 35+) girls play games with me in the past, so I'm displeased to report that, from what I've seen, people don't seem to grow out of playing by 'the rules'.

It also occurs to me that, as I've been slightly hung up on PR girl, the signal I'm sending to the other girls is that I'm not massively keen, which doesn't appear to be having a bad effect.

Maybe it's like this: the other girls I'm dating are keener on me than I am on them, therefore I'm in the driving seat. With PR girl, I'm keener on her, hence she's in the driving seat. Have you ever seen a true 50/50 power split in a relationship?

My suspicion is that PR girl will let me take her to bed on Friday, whereupon she'll probably still carry on acting cool...

Thanks again.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-26-2012, 02:01 AM   #38
Thefamiliar
Really Experienced
 
Thefamiliar is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 141
Lol yes I have seen real 50/50 split in a relationship, that is what true love looks like.

No, no oneever grows up, stops playing games etc. look at the forums on any website and you will see it. The only ones who truly grow out of it were the ones never trying to do it in the first place.

Talking it out helps, and glad to see your gaining perspectives.

Personally, I am glad I am a woman out there, crazy guys are easier to fogure out and scare off than crazy women. Lol
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-28-2012, 05:48 AM   #39
JohnZee
Experienced
 
JohnZee is offline
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 59
Thought I'd post an update (for what it's worth...). Got a text on Monday, stating 'if it's alright with you, I'd prefer not to have dinner at your place on Friday, as I'm not ready for what that entails. Can we go to a restaurant instead?'.

Not good. This is the 4th date. However, I'm open minded. She was married for years. So, I phoned her Mon evening. She explained that 'the problem's totally mine. I've had relationships with the wrong kind of guys. I need to take time'. I said to her that sex wasn't my primary motive, and that it's easy to find that if it were all I were after. I explained that our previous dates were in public places, and I wanted to get to know her somewhere quiet. She then says, 'if it's alright with you, I'd prefer us to meet somewhere else'.

Up until this point the conversation had been jovial. I then said 'that's fine, as long as we definitely are meeting on Friday'. That seemed to piss her off, whereupon she said 'I have to go, I'll let you know'.

I'm 99.999% sure this is totally f*cked. My bet is she'll call or text in the next 48hrs to say 'it's all off'. My instincts say I should call her to save her the effort. Dating should be fun... I'm curious as to whether she will call it off, though... I'm also feel there's a 0.00001% that she does have an issue and is genuine.

If we do go on a date, I suspect it'll feel weird... Whereas I was thinking of putting my tongue in all her orifices when I started this, I now feel turned off and don't fancy putting it near any of them. I know from witnessing her short fuse that she's nowhere near as 'together' as she made out. In fact, she might even be a little crazy - something the 1st 3 dates offered no clue to.

I've decided to take bets on the outcome:

Odds on favourite that she cancels

2:1 chance that I go on a bizarre, frosty date

2:1 chance that she simply doesn't contact me at all

1:1000 that I get laid

1:100000 that we have a successful relationship

Having things f*ck up on the 4th date is a new one to me. Usually, if you get past the first 2 dates you're onto a relationship, albeit anything lasting from 2 months to 2+ yrs.

Last edited by JohnZee : 11-28-2012 at 05:52 AM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-28-2012, 06:15 AM   #40
Rainshine
Funny Face
 
Rainshine's Avatar
 
Rainshine is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: *points*
Posts: 9,412
If someone was that insistent that a date be at their home after only 3 dates (or really at all) I would head for the hills and think you're some kind of psycho out to wear my skin as a dress. Who else would have a problem meeting for dinner at a restaurant.

I'm still not convinced it's she that is a "little crazy."
__________________
In a sky full of stars, I think I saw you...
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-28-2012, 06:42 AM   #41
Eilan
Paid Internet Troll
 
Eilan's Avatar
 
Eilan is offline
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: 'Murika! Fuck, yeah!
Posts: 9,848
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainshine View Post
If someone was that insistent that a date be at their home after only 3 dates (or really at all) I would head for the hills and think you're some kind of psycho out to wear my skin as a dress. Who else would have a problem meeting for dinner at a restaurant.

I'm still not convinced it's she that is a "little crazy."
Hey, someone had to say it.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-28-2012, 06:56 AM   #42
JohnZee
Experienced
 
JohnZee is offline
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainshine View Post
If someone was that insistent that a date be at their home after only 3 dates (or really at all) I would head for the hills and think you're some kind of psycho out to wear my skin as a dress. Who else would have a problem meeting for dinner at a restaurant.

I'm still not convinced it's she that is a "little crazy."
Speaks someone with 3,390 posts in 4 months... I'm sure you're the 'go to' person for advice on real life
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-28-2012, 07:03 AM   #43
Rainshine
Funny Face
 
Rainshine's Avatar
 
Rainshine is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: *points*
Posts: 9,412
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnZee View Post
Speaks someone with 3,390 posts in 4 months... I'm sure you're the 'go to' person for advice on real life
I'm married, it goes without saying I have no life!
__________________
In a sky full of stars, I think I saw you...
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-28-2012, 07:40 AM   #44
Rainshine
Funny Face
 
Rainshine's Avatar
 
Rainshine is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: *points*
Posts: 9,412
Seriously though, JohnZee. I will put aside my natural urges to snark and offer you this last friendly little nugget.

A little self reflection goes a long way. I am not trying to be a bitch (suppressing natural urges remember) but you must surely have noticed that most of the women (and some men) in this thread have expressed some level of concern about certain aspects of your posts. Instead of glossing over it, or firing up, this is a good time to maybe ask why, what is it that is bothersome and figure out if perhaps there is something YOU are doing that might be a little off colour and causing this little 4th date dilemma you currently find yourself in.
__________________
In a sky full of stars, I think I saw you...
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-28-2012, 07:40 AM   #45
Bramblethorn
Mallory Heart Surgeon.
 
Bramblethorn's Avatar
 
Bramblethorn is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia (occasionally USA)
Posts: 2,808
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnZee View Post
Speaks someone with 3,390 posts in 4 months... I'm sure you're the 'go to' person for advice on real life
And yet, despite spending all that time posting here, she's still ahead of you in the "finding a long-term relationship" stakes. Maybe she knows something you don't ;-)
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-28-2012, 07:58 AM   #46
TheLM
Drew
 
TheLM's Avatar
 
TheLM is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In the sun
Posts: 5,061
If you see a nice-looking, fun girl on a dating site the odds are that she's a window shopper.

She'll get as much attention and as many dates from you as possible, but don't expect her to go exclusive with you unless you have what she's ultimately searching for.

(And by "ultimately searching for" she'd give you about 100 different ways of saying "rich bloke")
__________________
Check out my NEW erotica: With A Tryst!

*Thanks for reading! 13,000 horny readers and counting!*
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-28-2012, 09:08 AM   #47
NightL
smoke'n'mirrors
 
NightL's Avatar
 
NightL is offline
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,134
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnZee View Post
Usually, if you get past the first 2 dates you're onto a relationship, albeit anything lasting from 2 months to 2+ yrs.
So how many 2 + year relationships have you actually had?

How many associations ('cos they are certainly not relationships) have you had lasting beyond 2 months?

JohnZee, all I read is me me me me me me me I want to get laid me me me bitch me me me slut me me me crazy me me me - on and on and on.

How many failed attempts have you had at relationships? Ask yourself what is the common denominator in all these failed attempts at relationships?

Oh guess what - paying for a membership on a online dating site does not guarantee you a fuck. Save a little more and pay a professional for that. You are certainly not displaying any shred of understanding, appreciation or respect required to maintain a relationship or even get a hint of one.

See, all those "educational" videos have not helped you at all - have they?
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-28-2012, 09:58 AM   #48
TeaforMe
Literotica Guru
 
TeaforMe is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,469
JohnZee, none of us here have ever met you, we only go by what you write, but PR girl has had three dates with you, which means she has been with you in person. Each date has left her subsequently more uncomfortable, to the point where she does not want to be alone with you. Why is she the crazy one? She seems quite sensible for not putting herself in a situation that makes her intuition say something isn't right.

That doesn't necessarily mean there IS something wrong with you, but she has to follow her own instincts. Just let it go and move on to someone who likes being with you, after all that is the ultimate goal, right?
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-28-2012, 10:04 AM   #49
bailadora
Literotica Guru
 
bailadora's Avatar
 
bailadora is offline
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: In his arms
Posts: 3,184
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnZee View Post
Usually, if you get past the first 2 dates you're onto a relationship, albeit anything lasting from 2 months to 2+ yrs.
Who told you that lie?

Dude - I'm pretty old school when it comes to relationships and such, but I gotta tell you, even "way back when", if someone had started expecting/declaring relationship status after a mere 2-4 dates, I'd be running for the hills.
__________________
And yeah, welcome to Dickerotica, where 90% of the men are fapping 24/7. ~ Raw Humor

What we do, Miss Ventura, does not define who we are. What defines us is how well we rise after falling. ~ Lionel, Maid in Manhattan

Experience is what you get when you didnít get what you wanted. ~ Dr. Randy Pausch

This is LIT-erotica, where the size of your polysyllable matters. - swiped from Velvet Darkness

For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who do not believe, no proof is possible.~ Stuart Chase

Swiped from Fire Breeze: my johari window. Curiosity and all that jazz...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Regarding Dirty PMs: Don't bother. Your orgasm is not my problem.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-28-2012, 02:36 PM   #50
BeachMomma
Sweet n Innocent
 
BeachMomma's Avatar
 
BeachMomma is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In your wildest dreams
Posts: 3,976
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainshine View Post
Instead of glossing over it, or firing up, this is a good time to maybe ask why, what is it that is bothersome and figure out if perhaps there is something YOU are doing that might be a little off colour and causing this little 4th date dilemma you currently find yourself in.
No snark here either, but Rain has a very good point. Try a little honest self-reflection. Is it possible that she's sensing that you might be a little too clingy/needy/high maintenance? Maybe you've just brought more drama into this three date "relationship" than she feels comfortable with? As easy as it would be to go into defense mode, take this as an opportunity to look at yourself. Is it at all possible that you're over-thinking, committing (or expecting a commitment) too quickly?

[quote=NightL;42629819]
How many failed attempts have you had at relationships? Ask yourself what is the common denominator in all these failed attempts at relationships?
QUOTE]
^^^^^^^ This, this, this - a thousand times, this.

That's the one thing that bothered me when I began my current relationship - a marriage that's lasted over 10 years, by the way. I'd been married before. In my mind, I kept coming back to the simple fact that the single common denominator in all of my previous failed relationships was ME. I was afraid to even try to begin a relationship with my (now) husband. He didn't do anything wrong; I was simply afraid of my own track record.

I eventually realized that while I was indeed the single common denominator, I had learned and grown from the previous failed relationships. Before I could commit myself to my husband, though, I had to learn to trust myself again. It wasn't that I didn't trust HIM. I didn't trust *ME.* I didn't trust my own judgment.

It could be as simple as something like that for her - or it could be something you've said or done. When my instincts kick in, I call it that "hair on the back of my neck feeling." I've learned over time to trust my instincts; if I have an ominous feeling about something, my instincts usually serve me well. I would say she's wise for slowing things down a little - whether the "fault" is yours or hers is irrelevant.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TeaforMe View Post
She seems quite sensible for not putting herself in a situation that makes her intuition say something isn't right.

That doesn't necessarily mean there IS something wrong with you, but she has to follow her own instincts. Just let it go and move on to someone who likes being with you, after all that is the ultimate goal, right?
There's something - whether it's you or her, we have no way of knowing. But there's a reason that her instincts are kicking in. If she doesn't trust her own instincts, she's setting herself - and you - up for trouble.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bailadora View Post
Who told you that lie?

Dude - I'm pretty old school when it comes to relationships and such, but I gotta tell you, even "way back when", if someone had started expecting/declaring relationship status after a mere 2-4 dates, I'd be running for the hills.
LOL @ the quote in red. I'm a little more skittish than that. It would take the planets, stars, and sun being in perfect alignment to get me to allow a relationship status in 4 weeks - and that's even if we got to spend every possible free moment together. My husband and I dated for three MONTHS before I decided I was comfortable committing to a "relationship."

The boyfriend I dated before my husband - he moved way too fast for me. He asked me to move in with him (he actually insisted) after dating 9 months. Alarm bells clanged, red flags flew in the breeze, and the hair on the back of my neck stood straight up. That was the end for us.

Bottom line, John, allow her to trust her instincts. It doesn't mean the relationship has failed or will never materialize; it just means that when she DOES declare relationship status, she's certain - of you, but more importantly - of herself.

This bears repeating - don't allow yourself to become defensive. Use this experience (and the advice you're receiving) as an opportunity to learn, grow,and yes, maybe even mature a little.
__________________
My Literotica Submissions

Gentlemen may prefer blondes, but it takes a real man to handle a redhead.


I came to Literotica for the Eros. I stay for the Agape (LakeSailer_MI, 2013).
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:35 AM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.