Old 11-18-2012, 05:05 AM   #8351
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Originally Posted by Trinique_Fire View Post
LMFAO!!! Oh gods...this is too good!!!
Yep, very funny even though the S.A.T. is almost entirely multiple guess questions so it's very unlikly that these are taken from S.A.T. results.
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Old 11-18-2012, 02:29 PM   #8352
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U.S.Recession

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Old 11-19-2012, 06:20 PM   #8353
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[ hope this works ]

She's in a major hospital;
I loved this (USA) cartoon:
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File Type: jpg knowledge-is-power.jpg (33.4 KB, 42 views)
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Old 11-20-2012, 04:39 AM   #8354
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These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in Greater Glasgow (Scotland,)

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status :- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
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Old 11-20-2012, 10:49 AM   #8355
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For the girls. . . .

Eve's Side Of The Story!

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, Everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly Knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and Snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her Body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc; She felt That having only two breasts might leave her body more, 'symmetrically balanced'. 'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, You know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you Needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed It into the bushes!

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.. 'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a Part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
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Old 11-21-2012, 06:52 AM   #8356
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Funny Quote

Writers Quotes

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner

The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley
 

Old 11-21-2012, 08:48 AM   #8357
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Funny Quote

Writers Quotes

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner

The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley
I see Mr. Clancy keeps good company:

Tis strange - but true; for truth is always strange;
Stranger than fiction; if it could be told,
How much would novels gain by the exchange!
...
(Lord Byron, from Don Juan 1823

and

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
(Mark Twain)
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Old 11-22-2012, 06:02 PM   #8358
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The mother-in-law and I argued all the way from her house to mine, so she just sat in the car and refused to come in for dinner.

After the wife went out to calm things down, she said, "She's agreed to come in. I had to butter her up a bit, though."

"That's good," I shouted, "I was wondering how the fat cow would fit through the door."
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Old 11-23-2012, 06:41 PM   #8359
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Social Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
 

Old 11-23-2012, 07:21 PM   #8360
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A Jackeroo rides into town after months of rustling. He ties the horse out the front of the pub, dusts off his pants, and then walks around to the back of the horse and runs his lips along the crack of the horses ass. He heads into the bar, and asks the barmen for a glass of beer. The barmen says, "Listen mate, can I just ask why you ran your lips along the crack of your horses ass ?".He replies, "I've got chapped lips".The barmen replies, "does that cure them ?". The jackeroo replies, "no but it sure stops me licken 'em".
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Last edited by xelliebabex : 11-23-2012 at 07:26 PM.
 

Old 11-24-2012, 03:19 AM   #8361
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You cannot keep a good comment quiet. . .

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.
The comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Centre)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

THE WINNER IS.... ?
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Old 11-24-2012, 03:20 AM   #8362
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Not here, either:

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
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"Pest Control"
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"Norman-the-dragon "
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" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
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Old 11-24-2012, 08:45 AM   #8363
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.



I love it, HP!
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Old 11-24-2012, 10:17 AM   #8364
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetMaj View Post


I love it, HP!
I thought it was really great too. I sent it to a lot of people I knew. They all got a kick mout of it, especially the teachers.
DG
 

Old 11-24-2012, 11:59 PM   #8365
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.
The comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Centre)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

THE WINNER IS.... ?
The cop steps up to a car parked on a dark, lonely road and knocks on the window. The man inside tears himself away from the woman and rolls down the window.

Cop: What's going on?

Man: Nothing, Officer. Just a little necking.

Cop: Well, get your neck back in your pants, and move on!
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Old 11-25-2012, 12:20 AM   #8366
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

You missed one that I saw on a similar list: "Your child has delusions of adequacy."
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Old 11-25-2012, 08:15 AM   #8367
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Blind Man In Bar

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blond
joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should
know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 185 lb. Blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thought for a second, shook his head 'no', and muttered,

"No . . . Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 

Old 11-25-2012, 08:21 AM   #8368
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Children Quotes

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
Quentin Crisp

There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Benjamin Spock

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
 

Old 11-25-2012, 10:19 AM   #8369
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There's a new kind of Viagra available for women...

"Niagra"

It'll always keep her wet.
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"Can I buy you a round?"

"Haven't seen your face before, are you new in town?"
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Old 11-26-2012, 08:31 AM   #8370
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Death in the Family

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.

What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months?

How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
 

Old 11-27-2012, 08:48 AM   #8371
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Stages of Drunkeness

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
 

Old 11-27-2012, 08:52 AM   #8372
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Proud Texan Father

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

A Drinking Problem

I have got a drinking problem....

I've got two hands, but only one mouth...
 

Old 11-28-2012, 06:24 AM   #8373
Handley_Page
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Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. - Timothy Jones

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch." Orson Welles

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead. - Woody Allen

There are five elements: earth, air, fire, water and garlic. - Louis Diat

$ex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. - Garrison Keillor

"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It's a grain. It's like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem." James Patterson

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who love chocolate, and communists. - Leslie Moak Murray in "Murray's Law"

"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart." Erma Bombeck
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If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 11-28-2012, 08:45 AM   #8374
Tio_Narratore
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"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you contribute to the global decline in marine biodiversity."

- Tio Narratore
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Link to my stories...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 11-28-2012, 10:25 AM   #8375
SweetMaj
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What is plural for Octopus?

"Octopussies"
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"Mind if I sit down?"

"Can I buy you a round?"

"Haven't seen your face before, are you new in town?"
SHANIA TWAIN.

There is no limitation to my imagination.
 
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