Old 11-14-2012, 08:13 AM   #8326
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He walked out into the Churchyard; to his surprise, he saw his daughter sitting on a tombstone.

"Why," has asked, "are you sitting out here; aren't you supposed to be inside attending the funeral. His Mother, I believe?"

"Yes, Father," she replied, "but I was thrown out."
She smiled and went on: "When the music started, I was the only one dancing."
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Old 11-14-2012, 09:09 AM   #8327
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?" asked the teacher.

"Yes, ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a pilot in desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the flask wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with her gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four of them with her knife, 'till the blade broke, and then killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

And young Johnny replied, "Stay the hell away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking."
 

Old 11-14-2012, 09:36 AM   #8328
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A man was driving down the street, in a sweat, because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking spot. Looking up towards heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and I will give up drinking."

Miraculously, a parking space appeared.

The man looked up and said, " Never mind. I found one."
 

Old 11-14-2012, 03:17 PM   #8329
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A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem The Mexican woodpecker was amazed!

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers)

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge, so the two flew to Canada, wher the Mexican woodpecker proceeded to successfully peck the so-called 'impeckable' tree without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were understandably confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, the Mexican woodpecker had no problem pecking the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country.

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home
 

Old 11-14-2012, 08:16 PM   #8330
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phantom4533 View Post
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem The Mexican woodpecker was amazed!

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers)

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge, so the two flew to Canada, wher the Mexican woodpecker proceeded to successfully peck the so-called 'impeckable' tree without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were understandably confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, the Mexican woodpecker had no problem pecking the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country.

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home
LOL! Though I'm left wondering if when they flew to Canada, did they fly coach or first class? (I know, they're birds...)

Meanwhile, there was this horny ol' mouse in the jungle who fancied himself quite the cocksman (cockmouse?). To prove his cocksmanship (cocksmouseship?), he decided he had to screw the biggest pussy he could find and which animal could have a bigger pussy than the elephant?

He scurried up a tree and waited for a female elephant (also known as a "cow"). When one walked by, he jumped down, scurried beneath her tail and went to work. That's when the cow bumped her head on a low hanging tree bunch and exclaimed "Ouch!"

And then came the muffled words from beneath her tail, "Take it, bitch. Take it all!"
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Old 11-14-2012, 09:18 PM   #8331
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Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Battle of the Sexes

Husband: "Oh, come on."
Wife: "Leave me alone!"
Husband: "It won't take long."
Wife: "I won't be able to sleep afterwards."
Husband: "I can't sleep without it."
Wife: "Why do you think of things like this
in the middle of the night?"
Husband: "Because I'm Hot."
Wife: "You get hot at the darnedest times."
Husband: "If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you."
Wife: "If you love me you'd be more considerate."
Husband: "You don't love me anymore."
Wife: "Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight."
Husband: "Please...come on."
Wife: "All right, I'll do it."
Husband: "What's the matter? Need a flashlight?"
Wife: "I can't find it."
Husband: "Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!"
Wife: "There! Are you satisfied?"
Husband: "Oh, yes."
Wife: "Is it up far enough?"
Husband: "Oh!!!, that's good."
Wife: "Now go to sleep, and from now on
when you want the window open,
do it yourself!"
I love this one!

Very surprising.

Thank you, DG.
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Old 11-15-2012, 11:00 AM   #8332
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A young captain is assigned his first command; a remote camp in the mountains. During his first inspection he notices that there is a donkey tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.The captain asks what it's for. One of the soldiers who has been stationed there for a while explains that the men sometimes get lonely, since there are no women in the camp, so they have the donkey.

After a few weeks, the captain is feeling pretty 'lonely' himself, so he orders the men to bring the donkey to his tent, and he goes to 'work' on it.

After about an hour the captain comes out, zipping up his pants, and asks, "So, is that how the other men do it?"

One of the men responds, "No, sir. We usually just use the donkey to ride into town."
 

Old 11-15-2012, 12:25 PM   #8333
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Originally Posted by SweetMaj View Post
I love this one!

Very surprising.

Thank you, DG.
Thank you! Great A/V, I could write a story about it if I could stop staring at it. Makes me want to sneak up behind you and surprise you. haha
Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.

Last edited by DG Hear : 11-15-2012 at 12:28 PM.
 

Old 11-15-2012, 12:27 PM   #8334
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phantom4533 View Post
A young captain is assigned his first command; a remote camp in the mountains. During his first inspection he notices that there is a donkey tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.The captain asks what it's for. One of the soldiers who has been stationed there for a while explains that the men sometimes get lonely, since there are no women in the camp, so they have the donkey.

After a few weeks, the captain is feeling pretty 'lonely' himself, so he orders the men to bring the donkey to his tent, and he goes to 'work' on it.

After about an hour the captain comes out, zipping up his pants, and asks, "So, is that how the other men do it?"

One of the men responds, "No, sir. We usually just use the donkey to ride into town."
Good one! I use to tell it years ago but it was in a desert and the animal was a camel. LOL Thanks for posting on the humor thread.
 

Old 11-15-2012, 12:48 PM   #8335
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Good one! I use to tell it years ago but it was in a desert and the animal was a camel. LOL Thanks for posting on the humor thread.
There's another version: It's a herd of camels. When the men are dismissed after the day's final formation, there's a huge rush for the pen where the herd is kept. After a few days of this, the newly posted young captain collars a sergeant and says "I understand why the men go for the camels, but why does everyone run for one?"

The reply is "Who wants to be stuck with an ugly one?"
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Old 11-15-2012, 12:55 PM   #8336
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Let's have a potty!

Q. Why did Piglet put his head in the toilet?

A. He was looking for Pooh.

Q. If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?

A. K9P

Q. Why do farts smell?

A. So the deaf can enjoy them too.

A little boy's sitting on the toilet hitting himself on the head. His mother sees this and says "Johnny, why are you hitting yourself like that?"

Johnny replies "It works for ketchup."

A man goes into the store to buy some toilet paper. The clerk says "What color?"

The man replies "White. I'll color it myself."

Q. How can you tell if a woman's wearing pantyhose?

A. If she farts, her ankles swell.

A cowboy goes to use an outhouse. He happens to look down the hole and sees an Indian.

"Hey chief, how long you been down there?"

"Many moons, paleface."
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Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

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Old 11-15-2012, 04:05 PM   #8337
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A man and his wife were driving down a country road one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying on the side of the road and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozzen to death. Can we take it home, warm it up, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, get in the car with it."

The wife says, "Where should I put it to keep warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs ... it's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" said the wife.

He replies, " Just hold the skunk's nose."

The man is expected to recover but the skunk she used to beat him with ... died at the scene.
 

Old 11-15-2012, 04:13 PM   #8338
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A woman was on holiday, traveling by car in New Zealand. She sees this guy on a hill mucking with a sheep. She goes up to him with a camera and asks, "Excuse me, sir. Are you shearing that sheep?"

He turns to her he says, "Listen, lady, I ain't 'shearing' this sheep with anyone."
 

Old 11-15-2012, 04:48 PM   #8339
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Thank you! Great A/V, I could write a story about it if I could stop staring at it. Makes me want to sneak up behind you and surprise you. haha
Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.

Lige meget hvor du er,
Lige meget hvem du er,
Så velkommen her!

Translation:

No matter where you are,
No matter who you are,
You're more than welcome here!

(A Danish band called "GNAGS".)

I love your post, DG!
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Old 11-15-2012, 09:48 PM   #8340
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the sheep always pushes back better at the edge of a cliff - an old Irish proverb.
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Old 11-15-2012, 11:51 PM   #8341
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the sheep always pushes back better at the edge of a cliff - an old Irish proverb.
Reminds me of a "baseball" hat I once had. On its front panel it said "WYOMING—Where men are men and sheep are nervous!"
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Old 11-16-2012, 06:27 AM   #8342
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the sheep always pushes back better at the edge of a cliff - an old Irish proverb.
Now, that's funny.
 

Old 11-16-2012, 10:12 AM   #8343
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Once upon a time ...

... there was a virgin farmboy.

One day. a farmer told his son that the time had come for him to "become a man". The father suggested that, since they were poor and cash was not easy to come by at their farm, he should instead take one of their ducks and use it for payment at the town's brothel.

The son doubted it would work but was willing to take a chance. The next morning, bright and early, he set out with the duck on a leash for the long walk into town.

When he came to the brothel, the madam took a look at the boy and asked him his business.

"My father has told me it's time for me to 'become a man' and he said that while I don't have any money to pay you with, that perhaps you would be willing to take this ... uh ... duck."

The madam, who saw that the boy was truly a virgin, as well as a good looking young man, thought, "What the hell?" However, not to let him think he could take advantage of her good graces in the future she asked, "Is it a good duck? Can he do anything special?"

Before the boy could say no, the duck leaped up on a table and started doing a little dance and quacked in time with his feet. The madam thought at this point that she might have gotten the better end of the deal. So she took the duck and told the boy to go upstairs where one of her younger and prettier girls would take care of him.

After an hour of making love to the young woman, the madam realized that this young man was some sort of sexual prodigy with the energy of ten farmboys. So, she went upstairs and said to the no-longer-a-virgin, "Hey, you must be pretty good in bed for a newbie!. I'll tell you what, if you take a roll in the hay with me, I'll give you your duck back."

Now, the boy was no fool and, still basking in the glow of his first experience with the young girl, figured he might be able to use his talented duck in the future so he agreed to make love to the madam. So. after another hour of plowing the madam's field the boy finished up, put his duck back on the leash, and left the brothel exhausted.

As he was taking his long walk back to the farm a drunk driver swerved too close to the boy and clipped the duck. As a result, the duck's legs were completely broken. The driver felt horribly guilty about this and offered the boy fifty dollars in restitution and said he'd drive him back to the farm.

The boy took the money when they arrived back at the farm and carried the duck up to the farmhouse. His father met him at the door, eager to know how his day went.

The boy replied, "Well, I got fucked for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and fifty bucks for a fucked up duck!"

Last edited by phantom4533 : 11-16-2012 at 10:16 AM.
 

Old 11-16-2012, 02:15 PM   #8344
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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife
goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right,"
she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife
tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the
closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's
testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his
buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The
woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet
again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's
testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and
sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he
walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's
testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't
remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
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"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 11-16-2012, 06:42 PM   #8345
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Ya gotta love this thread, great stuff posters!

 

Old 11-17-2012, 05:44 PM   #8346
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A COWBOY TOMBSTONE:

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died
not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
 

Old 11-17-2012, 05:58 PM   #8347
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That tombstone reminds me of an old Naval toast:

"To Wives & Lovers; may they never meet"
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 11-17-2012, 09:00 PM   #8348
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I think I've told this one... but anyway:

Two guys were golfing behind a pair of women who were taking their time. Impatient, the one guy tells his buddy, "I'm going to ask if we can play through." He charges down the fairway, gets about halfway there, turns and high tails it back to his buddy. "I can't ask those women if we can play through. I just recognized them. That's my wife and she's playing golf with my mistress!"

Hating a delay in game, the buddy says, "I'll handle this." He runs down the fairway, reaches the halfway point, and high tails it back to his friend. "Hey man, small world, isn't it?"
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Old 11-18-2012, 04:24 AM   #8349
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S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS

The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students!
(Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the President someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
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Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 11-18-2012, 04:34 AM   #8350
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Quote:
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S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS

The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students!
(Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the President someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
LMFAO!!! Oh gods...this is too good!!!
__________________


AmeriCorps Service Member 2009-2010

...there are times I'm not the woman you imagine me to be...when I'm just a girl who needs...and my need is deep, profound, and overpowering to the point of confusion and insecurity and all I know is the girl I am touching and all I want is to touch more and all I can do is give in...is surrender...~Vail

"Part of being a minority is living with the majorities will no matter how it may be imposed on you. With that comes having to 'take what you can get' in order to make any advancement. Advancement to the exact same rights and personal freedoms you've had since birth and which are still to this day denied to us because we love differently."
 
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