Questions to ask an unfaithful spouse

[silverwhisper]

octobersky quoth:
why could he not choose his family over her? i feel like the world's biggest failure.

another person's betrayal do not make you a failure. ever.

ed

[prunedfingers]

Originally Posted by octobersky

I can't trust him, I can't trust his answers and I can't trust him to leave her. It feels like I am stuck in a cycle of insanity and the only way to get out of this cycle is to leave him.

The problem is I have a hard time getting from my house to the attorney's office. The first step towards divorce is the most difficult to take.

Why could he not choose his family over her? I feel like the world's biggest failure.

With this being said - the only question you shouls ask is "was she worth it?" As you hand him the divorce papers.... i know you are enraged and hurt and want answers - but you will only set yourself up for more pain by 1. Not liking what you hear. Or more likely 2. Hearing lies that you desperately want to believe but but know they are just more lies...

You are not a failure - but asking him why or trying to fix something you know in your heart cannot be fixed will only make you feel like a failure - don't set yourself up for that it will only add to your pain... you are worth the truth, and you are better than what his actions are making you feel - he is the failure - not you...

[Eilan]

Originally Posted by silverwhisper

another person's betrayal do not make you a failure. ever.

ed

Exactly. He'll realize what a fuck-up he is. At that point, it'll be too late for him because you'll have realized how true the saying "Living well is the best revenge" is.

12 years ago, I was in your shoes, and I remember feeling exactly as you do. Let yourself go through the grieving process, but know that, as trite as it sounds, you will feel better in time. I promise.

.....................

[monkeyman057]

Originally Posted by KierstH12

He does not get to blame you for his bad behaviour.

This. Everything in life is a choice.

[njlauren]

Originally Posted by bob53

Actually it could be anything from getting back together as husband and wife to totally no contact.

The point is that they get to now clarify the terms of what the relationship is going to look like from this point forward.

Assuming that the terms of the marriage they had were to be monogamous, that relationship along with the trust has been destroyed by the affair and his continuing to try to hide things.

My wording is careful as EVERYONE has different definitions of "marriage" and "cheating". All to often we assume our partner has the same definition. The details will vary depending on the culture that each grew up in. Some of these details can be the cause of HUGE conflicts.

To a couple in a swinging relationship cheating is hiding anything.
If 1/2 the couple goes to bed with someone with full disclosure AND agreement with the other half that is not cheating.
If it is done without full disclosure and consent it is cheating.

Open marriages bring along another batch of definitions.

These types of things define the terms of the relationship and/or marriage.

Bob,I agree with you, but if you read the OP's other thread on the situation with her husband it is pretty obvious they weren't into swinging or an open relationship, he was/is seeing a mistress on the side and trying to hide it, and even after being discovered it seems like he is still cheating.

I didn't assume anything, I was going based on what the OP had already written, that hubby was cheating and what to do, and she used the word cheating. I am no 'marriage is a sacred covenant, having sex outside your marital partner is wrong" kind of person, what I despise is the true cheater; swingers, open relationship people, poly people, are all fine with me because that is there relationship, cheating is when someone breaks the terms of the relationship, whatever it is.

[subwannabe]

You only have two choices:

1. put up with it

2. leave

...................

[njlauren]

Originally Posted by subwannabe

You only have two choices:

1. put up with it

2. leave

With some couples there might be an option 3, where the cheater is wiling to change, but in this case, I agree totally.

[octobersky]

I purchased and downloaded a keylogger last week. I couldn't take anymore of the wondering and doubting. He has a hidden email and he chats with her almost everyday on Yahoo. He tells her he loves her and he wants her, to be patient and give him time.

I'll be filing for divorce as soon as I can get everything together. She no longer has to be patient. She can have him.

[heavyhitter01]

Originally Posted by octobersky

She can have him.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. But I'm glad you now know all the truth.

They both deserve the eventual unhappiness they will bring each other.

YOU deserve better.

Filing for divorce means the end of a marriage, but it ALSO means the beginning of the new and much better life YOU deserve to have. Try to focus on the latter.

[imemkay]

I've been where you are, and I feel for you.

As hard as it is finding out the truth, it is much better than the constant wondering.

A better life is waiting for you. When all is said and done, you'll really feel like a giant weight has been lifted and you'll be much happier.

[monkeyman057]

Originally Posted by heavyhitter01

Filing for divorce means the end of a marriage, but it ALSO means the beginning of the new and much better life YOU deserve to have. Try to focus on the latter.

This is so true. My first wife initiated the divorce - I didn't want it. I wanted to work on the marriage and try to work things out with her. I won't give her credit for any kind of wisdom here but in retrospect it was the right thing to do.

That was four years ago and I'm remarried to someone who is a much better fit on every level. I have never in my life been happier than I am now. The divorce was agonizing and miserable and I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone but the end result was worth all of the tears.

................

[Emerson40]

Originally Posted by octobersky

I purchased and downloaded a keylogger last week. I couldn't take anymore of the wondering and doubting. He has a hidden email and he chats with her almost everyday on Yahoo. He tells her he loves her and he wants her, to be patient and give him time.

I'll be filing for divorce as soon as I can get everything together. She no longer has to be patient. She can have him.

The keylogger probably confirmed what you already thought and in your heart, probably knew. Doesn't make things any easier as far as your feeling now, but as everyone has mentioned, it will be better a little further on down the road.

Please make sure you don't fall victim to all those feelings of guilt, or feeling like it's your fault again, now that you have physical confirmation that you are married, at least currently, to an untrustworthy shit-heel. As was the case before the keylogger, none of this is your fault.

One last bit of advice - I apologize if this sounds cold or appears inappropriate in your thread - for you as you prepare for divorce. Use the keylogger to watch for separate bank accounts, or other assets that he may have kept hidden from you.

All the best with things over the next few weeks and months.

[justin_in_cary]

Originally Posted by octobersky

I'll be filing for divorce as soon as I can get everything together. She no longer has to be patient. She can have him.

I'm sorry for your upcoming difficult times. I hope you're able to get through all this without too much of a mess!

[Exquisition]

[Pointing to his partner's pussy] "Does he come here often?"

[njlauren]

Originally Posted by octobersky

I purchased and downloaded a keylogger last week. I couldn't take anymore of the wondering and doubting. He has a hidden email and he chats with her almost everyday on Yahoo. He tells her he loves her and he wants her, to be patient and give him time.

I'll be filing for divorce as soon as I can get everything together. She no longer has to be patient. She can have him.

I am sorry you have to go through the pain of this, but at the very least you now know what your intuition told you was true, that you cannot doubt yourself any longer that it is time to move on. All I can say is please, please don't question yourself and say "what could I have done differently? " or otherwise blame yourself. Among other things, your husband is a coward IMO, I would bet he has no intention of being with the other woman full time, what he is doing I would bet good money on, is he is keeping the 'other woman' on the hook, telling her he will leave you if she is patient, all while trying to keep you married to him. Put it this way, he knows you know, yet he has gone through the charade of a counsellor and such,all the while keeping up with his tutu, he had the perfect opportunity when this hit the fan to say "I have fallen out of love with you, I want her, I think we should divorce" and instead strung it along.....I suspect when you hit him with the divorce papers you are going to suddenly see him wanting to keep things going (could be wrong).....

Only word of advice I have is don't tell him your intentions until you have everything worked out, talk to a divorce lawyer and find out what you need to protect you and your kids (I think you said you have kids), and then hit him with the divorce papers when you are ready, don't give him the chance to try and screw you over. If you give him notice he sounds like the type of guy who would find some way to screw you, so get your things all set, and make the move. And quite honestly, if he makes noises about reconciling,consider the way he has treated you through all this and ask yourself if he is any more believable then a used car salesmen in NJ telling you the sudden onslaught of cars on the lot are not storm damaged cars he picked up for pennies to try and foist on others.....

[themilf]

Originally Posted by octobersky

I purchased and downloaded a keylogger last week. I couldn't take anymore of the wondering and doubting. He has a hidden email and he chats with her almost everyday on Yahoo. He tells her he loves her and he wants her, to be patient and give him time.

I'll be filing for divorce as soon as I can get everything together. She no longer has to be patient. She can have him.

I am so proud of you for taking control of the situation and for getting the keylogger and downloading it. I know every step along the way you were (likely) hoping you were wrong.

I'm so proud of you for having the strength to take each step.

And I'm so sorry you found you were right. I hope you weren't alone when you found your evidence. And even if you were physically alone, I hope you felt the supportive presence of this community behind you.

Hugs, support and by all means, keep in touch.

[query]

Originally Posted by octobersky

I purchased and downloaded a keylogger last week. I couldn't take anymore of the wondering and doubting. He has a hidden email and he chats with her almost everyday on Yahoo. He tells her he loves her and he wants her, to be patient and give him time.

I'll be filing for divorce as soon as I can get everything together. She no longer has to be patient. She can have him.

Im sorry for your losses..the marriage, the companionship, the sex, the man you thought (and perhaps at one time) he was....

I decided in my case not to accept her re-write of history.

Not in a negative way but I just think about myself as if I were a widower.

I grieve all of the above losses just the same as if she had passed away.


I refuse to let her choices tarnish the best of my memories.

[GrrlFriday]

I'm sorry that it's come to this, but it will be so much better once you get his lies and manipulation out of your life. Take courage, and look after yourself and your kids.

Be cautious as to what you let him know, or who you tell about the upcoming divorce - from what you've said, he is manipulative, and he seems to want to string both of you along.

[1dude]

Originally Posted by monkeyman057

This is so true. My first wife initiated the divorce - I didn't want it. I wanted to work on the marriage and try to work things out with her. I won't give her credit for any kind of wisdom here but in retrospect it was the right thing to do.

That was four years ago and I'm remarried to someone who is a much better fit on every level. I have never in my life been happier than I am now. The divorce was agonizing and miserable and I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone but the end result was worth all of the tears.

Ditto. After 25 years my wife decicded she needed to "find herself". She had an affair over a weekend with an old high school boyfriend. Advice: prepare yourself. Get the best attorney possible (get references!). Some specialize for plaintiffs and some for defendants. Get everything your entitled to but don't go overboard. Equitable doesn't necessarily mean exactly 50%. If you don't work your entitled to his 401k, Ira, etc. above all, if there are kids, keep them out of it. TOTALLY out of it. They dont need to know details (they will figure it out on their own). Don't lie but don't give details. They probably love both of you. Good Luck. I've remarried and my kids get along better with their stepmom then they do their mother. Like I said, they figure it out.

[bob53]

Another suggestion when dealing with attorneys - do your own legal research. Insist that before any and all papers filed with the court be approved by you first.
Attorneys are human and make mistakes that can be costly. They will frequently miss vital points because they do not really have a vested interest in the outcome.
Their interest is in trying to negotiate what they want to appear as being the best settlement for you. Notice I said appear. Do your own research and insist on the actions you are paying to perform.

I have seen this happen every time I have dealt with attorneys in both divorce actions as well as business.
I have also seen it when I was on jury duty and the defense attorneys totally blew the case for their client.