Please, we need your feedback!

[MTPersson]

Hey guys and girls,

I'm not sure whether posts like these are looked upon like "find me this story" threads so if they are I apologise in advance. You may hang me now.

If not and a lynch mob is not forthcoming, Oxforddon and myself have co-written a story together and we would greatly appreciate any feedback and constructive criticism you have. I have provided the link below. Please bear in mind that this is my first story and our first as co-writers, but don't let that hold you back from scathing remarks. Tell us what you hated.

I'll be your bestest friend if you do help us out :-)

Thank you in advance.

Link:
http://www.literotica.com/s/martin-a...n-oxford-story

[sr71plt]

It started out fine in first person past, but when you defined me as a blonde woman and started talking to me as if I was, I just clicked out. I'm not the person you are addressing, so I can't buy into your fantasy.

[MTPersson]

Originally Posted by sr71plt

It started out fine in first person past, but when you defined me as a blonde woman and started talking to me as if I was, I just clicked out. I'm not the person you are addressing, so I can't buy into your fantasy.

Thanks for taking time to read it. We tried to used tense in a way that would separate and enhance different sections of the story but I can completely understand that using 'you' to address the female character, who essentially is the reader, may be alienating to male readers.

[TheTravellingMan]

I liked some of the themes, the remote way they befriended each other and the growing intimacy. I did like the premise of the story too.

However, I was also lost on the whole 'you' and 'I' part. I've written in the first person and third; finding both with their merits.

In this case, it was confusing to keep track.

[MTPersson]

Originally Posted by TheTravellingMan

I liked some of the themes, the remote way they befriended each other and the growing intimacy. I did like the premise of the story too.

However, I was also lost on the whole 'you' and 'I' part. I've written in the first person and third; finding both with their merits.

In this case, it was confusing to keep track.

Thank you :-) I'm beginning to wish we had chosen one tense and stuck with it lol. We'll take it on board.

x

[OxfordDon]

Thanks for the feedback.The idea was to have an intro that set the characters - and then go forward with first person the narrative. I appreciate the comments though and will bear this in mind.

[raiguy]

Hmm. I think the tense idea is great, but just needs some slight refining. It would have been just the same if the male had been 'you'. I enjoyed the story aside from that one slight issue, but think that the idea of the different tenses could be really fun if you two can figure out a way to address the 'you' issue.

[OxfordDon]

Originally Posted by raiguy

Hmm. I think the tense idea is great, but just needs some slight refining. It would have been just the same if the male had been 'you'. I enjoyed the story aside from that one slight issue, but think that the idea of the different tenses could be really fun if you two can figure out a way to address the 'you' issue.

Thanks raiguy!

[bumblegrum]

Hi guys. Thank you for your link to this story. I found it a very well written piece, and I wasn't bothered by the switch in POV - not an issue of tense, I think. I'd certainly look forward to more stories from you both.

BUT, and, for me, this is a very big BUT - I didn't like it Now obviously, I can't just leave it there. I felt that the story moved too far too fast. Now, anyone who has read my stories would feel inclined to scream, "hypocrite" at the top of their voices. However, while we know that Lily wanted "some form of control", you have her filled up with booze and raped in a back alley by two low-lifes, all within a few hours of meeting Martin. I'm not saying this is impossible, just that it is "a bridge too far".

And she wakes next morning to find that her pussy lips have been pierced and locked with a padlock that says "Property of Martin" but that she was too drunk to know or care about what happened. IMHO, this comes perilously close to the Literotica ban on stories about rape; this is usually circumvented by ensuring that the one who has been raped discovers some pleasure or positive feelings from the experience. I couldn't find this in your story.

Perhaps this story is about 500 words too short. What are Lily's feelings when she wakes to her discovery? Where is Martin? I suggest this could be improved by rounding out the story and letting us know the outcome, with the sense that lily actually does gain satisfaction and pleasure from her experiences.

Let me say again, I thought the standard of the writing was excellent, and I would never just give it two or three stars because I don't like it. I wouldn't vote on it, not because the writing is substandard (it isn't) but for the simple reason that it doesn't push my buttons. And, of course, I accept that many other readers WILL experience pushed buttons.

thanks for an interesting read; it was worthwhile and I look forward to your next adventure.

[OxfordDon]

Thanks Bumble - we appreciate the time you've taken to reply.

A lot did happen in one day I can see that...perhaps it would have been better over a longer time span. Re the final piece I guess it is close to the mark but I hope we showed that Lily approved of what had happened,.

Thanks again

[Arianthe]

Thanks for such a great story. I thoroughly enjoyed most of it, though I have a few reservations surrounding Lily's consent.

My criticism is similar to that of Bumblegrum. To my mind, Lily's consent to become property was not informed or explicit enough to make a drunken gangbang explicable in the circumstances.

[OxfordDon]

Originally Posted by Arianthe

Thanks for such a great story. I thoroughly enjoyed most of it, though I have a few reservations surrounding Lily's consent.

My criticism is similar to that of Bumblegrum. To my mind, Lily's consent to become property was not informed or explicit enough to make a drunken gangbang explicable in the circumstances.

Thanks honey - appreciate your input as always