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Old 11-11-2012, 09:02 AM   #1
southern_gal
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Do we want our partner to be jealous

Been away for a few days because finally my husband got home for a while. Now another question has reared it's ugly little head in my mind. Background - While he was home, we talked about so many things that in all of our married years have never been discussed. I showed him the Lit forums. (No I did not tell him my screen name) He read several threads all the way thru and decided that he liked the idea of me venturing onto Lit. I mean just in case I decided to actually start posting to the threads you understand. At any rate he is nothing short of thrilled at the new me. I am so much more willing to attempt some things that I never once imagined. Someone in an earlier thread compared my new experiences like being a kid in a candy store. It is like that exactly. Now the issue. We talked about the very real possibility of us inviting another person to our bed. He confided that he had always had a fantasy of watching me with another woman and even another man without him joining. Now I am somewhat conflicted. For some idiotic reason that I cannot explain, I am torn. Part of me likes the idea of him trusting me that much that he could actually be ok with me having sex with someone else even if he does not participate, and a teeny bit of me wants him to say no you don't, not without me. Why does a little part of me want to see him jealous? And another question that actually scares me. Even though I trust him completely, if he tells me that he has no problem with me having casual sex as long as I am not emotionally connected, does that mean that he feels like it is ok too? On the one hand I do realize that for most men an orgasm is simply that. Doesn't seem to matter if it is inside someone or in their own hand, it is just an orgasm and no really big deal. On the other hand, there is always the jealousy monster hiding in the background of my brain and the last thing I ever want to do is become possessive when in reality I am trying to be more open minded about things. I am so terribly sorry about the length but this is the first time I have stopped to really think about it.

Last edited by southern_gal : 11-18-2012 at 08:15 AM.
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:23 AM   #2
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Southern Girl I found your posting quite interesting. I have been married for 35 yrs. wifey and I spoke several times about swinging and other playful adventures. Her reaction was listen I am happy right now and do not need sex (bad ans) if you need something more than once a month or so, go ahead with three provisions:
First no one local or that we know
Second don't bring somthing home
Third I don't want to hear anything about the encounter.

This has worked for us so far.
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:29 AM   #3
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Do I want my husband to be jealous? Nope. not even a little bit. Jealousy, possessiveness, and even "protectiveness" are absolute deal-breakers for me. Other people's mileage may vary.

I think you should consider yourself lucky that your husband is open to sharing this journey with you. It's going to be complicated no matter what; don't make it more complicated than it already is.

ETA: I should add here that I don't think that not wanting one's partner to have sex with others is jealousy/possessiveness. There's absolutely nothing wrong with expecting monogamy from your partner if that's what you've both agreed to.

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Old 11-11-2012, 09:47 AM   #4
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I can be possessive and especially protective, but I am almost never jealous. Jealousy is completely different then possessiveness, and anything else. It is it's own thing, and I don't really view it as a good thing. You can still be his, and he can still be yours, even if you play with other people--together or separately. Jealousy tends to be born from possessiveness, but also from insecurity and lack of trust. Not even trust in him as your partner, but trust in the relationship and the bond you share. It would probably be best to just talk to him about these feelings and thoughts, and see how he feels on the matter. Communication is important, so communicate.

Also, Compersion is something that I highly value both in myself and in others. If you don't know what it is, look it up. Even outside of polyamory and swinging, it is a wonderful virtue to cultivate.
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:52 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by southern_gal View Post
Been away for a few days because finally my husband got home for a while. Now another question has reared it's ugly little head in my mind. Background - While he was home, we talked about so many things that in all of our married years have never been discussed. I showed him the Lit forums. (No I did not tell him my screen name) He read several threads all the way thru and decided that he liked the idea of me venturing onto Lit. I mean just in case I decided to actually start posting to the threads you understand. At any rate he is nothing short of thrilled at the new me. I am so much more willing to attempt some things that I never once imagined. Someone in an earlier thread compared my new experiences like being a kid in a candy store. It is like that exactly. Now the issue. We talked about the very real possibility of us inviting another person to our bed. He confided that he had always had a fantasy of watching me with another woman and even another man without him joining. Now I am somewhat conflicted. For some idiotic reason that I cannot explain, I am torn. Part of me likes the idea of him trusting me that much that he could actually be ok with me having sex with someone else even if he does not participate, and a teeny bit of me wants him to say no you don't, not without me. Why does a little part of me want to see him jealous? And another question that actually scares me. Even though I trust him completely, if he tells me that he has no problem with me having casual sex as long as I am not emotionally connected, does that mean that he feels like it is ok too? On the one hand I do realize that for most men an orgasm is simply that. Doesn't seem to matter if it is inside someone or in their own hand, it is just an orgasm and no really big deal. On the other hand, there is always the jealousy monster hiding in the background of my brain and the last thing I ever want to do is become possessive when in reality I am trying to be more open minded about things. I am so terribly sorry about the length but this is the first time I have stopped to really think about it.
The way I see it, he would be participating, just not physically. Him being present is different than asking you to go out and fuck someone without him there. If I had to guess, once it was over and the two of you were alone, the sex between you would be amazing.

A small amount of jealousy can be flattering. You don't want any more than that, especially in this type of situation. If you are in any way the jealous type, be very careful bringing someone else into the mix. Make sure both of you communicate beforehand as to what your boundaries are and what you each feel comfortable with. The very last thing you need is a relationship/jealousy issue rearing it's ugly head when all you were trying to do was enhance things in the first place.
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:52 AM   #6
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Jealousy

This is an interesting topic. I think we've all been taught that jealousy is ugly, and so even if we feel jealous we try hard to suppress it, however my gf has admitted that she likes the fact that I get jealous when it comes to her. If I never got jealous I think she would wonder why I didn't seem to care. Now, I'm talking about simply having jealous feelings and being a little possessive, anything more than that ... then it does become ugly. She has been the same way about me, and I have to admit that it was confirmation that she wants me to be hers', and that's not so bad.

Honestly, what you describe I would be concerned about. I'm sure that there are others here that will say "go for it" and "you are lucky to have someone so trusting", but something that intimate ... devoid of any feelings (?) Do you have any idea what is motivating this? The couples I've know that were swingers are no longer together. It's playing with fire, and although you trust him ... verify. Ask him why he wants this.
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Old 11-11-2012, 10:11 AM   #7
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Just Sex

For most of the people I have known in open relationships (of a wide variety of types), jealousy has been the landmine that ripped them apart. For the ones who have been successful about it, they all seem to have had the ability (male and female) to consider sex as "just sex" inside their minds.

I don't think there is any way to tell which you are going to be, or which your party is going to be, until you get there. Just ease into it and keep doing those crucial inner checks - and communicate, communicate, communicate.
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Old 11-11-2012, 12:11 PM   #8
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So many thoughts are running through my head about this ... please excuse what will probably be a rambling reply:

* I agree that possessiveness and jealousy are two different things. My husband is very possessive of me (and I love it). He is not jealous. I think jealousy is born of insecurity and worry.

* In my 1st marriage, we swung with other couples. The swinging was fun and didnt cause problems between us. But there were other problems and my exhusband cheated on me (which was completely independent of the swinging).

* I think feeling safe, confident, loved, respected, and important to your partner in your relationship is the key to enjoying when one or the other has sex with other people.

* I think if my husband just didn't care what I did with other people, it would bother me. But for him to be there, to watch, or participate, or know about it, or for us to talk about it can be something that strengthens our intimacy and bond, rather than weakens it.

* And I think the key to any of this is open communication. If you are concerned that your husband would feel he has the green light to do whatever he wants since he has shared an interest in watching you with other people, then you need to talk to him about it. Very openly.
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Old 11-11-2012, 12:18 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Edensgarden View Post
The way I see it, he would be participating, just not physically. Him being present is different than asking you to go out and fuck someone without him there. If I had to guess, once it was over and the two of you were alone, the sex between you would be amazing.

A small amount of jealousy can be flattering. You don't want any more than that, especially in this type of situation. If you are in any way the jealous type, be very careful bringing someone else into the mix. Make sure both of you communicate beforehand as to what your boundaries are and what you each feel comfortable with. The very last thing you need is a relationship/jealousy issue rearing it's ugly head when all you were trying to do was enhance things in the first place.
(BBM) That was going to be my point- because if you have never been around a '10 on the scale' jealous person, I am very happy for you- it is awful.

So only in moderation.
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Old 11-11-2012, 03:24 PM   #10
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Thanks all for the very helpful advice and thoughts. I am not so much worried - actually I am really not worried at all about my husband cheating because he simply isn't like that. He is so laid back and carefree and has made it more than clear thru the years how important I am to him. I suppose part of my insecurities surfaced in my post. More to the point I guess is what I am feeling about a small part of me that would like to see him not want to ever see me with anyone else. I would love to tease him and make him watch me with another lover and not let him play along (wink) and also I would like to watch him with someone else and teasing me like that. But I would be fibbing if I said I am not conflicted about my dual emotions. I consider myself intelligent and like to think that I can logically reason out most of my feelings but for the life of me I cannot get to the root of why I want both the ability for the both of us to share a lover and yet sorta want him to be greedy about me. Does that make any sense at all? At any rate, rest assured that nothing will ever happen beyond the fantasy stage if it could pose a problem in our marriage. Nothing would be worth that regardless of how arousing a fantasy could be. Thanks again for all the thoughtful replies.
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Old 11-11-2012, 03:27 PM   #11
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I will echo the advice of the many before - communicate, communicate, communicate.

Reading your post, I also get the impression that your husband has only just revealed this fantasy of his to you. I think you guys are still miles and miles away from this becoming a reality. It may never become reality either, depending on the outcome of the MANY discussions you guys still need to have.
There is a H U G E step to be taken by both of you to make fantasies of this sort a reality. Be honest with yourself and each other, and really consider the feelings and thoughts of all involved.

The really great thing I get from your post is that you guys are talking about things that haven't been discussed previously in your marriage. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity to open up to one another and get to know each other all over again.
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Old 11-11-2012, 03:29 PM   #12
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I don't think I would want my fiance to feel jealous. A degree of possessiveness, yes (I quite like the caveman-esque "she's mine" sometimes).

Jealousy is different - like an anticipated loss of something or not having something in the first place, or an anxiety or fear.

If I mooted the sharing thing with him, I definitely wouldn't want him to feel jealous. That would damage our relationship.
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Old 11-11-2012, 03:41 PM   #13
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Quote:
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I will echo the advice of the many before - communicate, communicate, communicate.

Reading your post, I also get the impression that your husband has only just revealed this fantasy of his to you. I think you guys are still miles and miles away from this becoming a reality. It may never become reality either, depending on the outcome of the MANY discussions you guys still need to have.
There is a H U G E step to be taken by both of you to make fantasies of this sort a reality. Be honest with yourself and each other, and really consider the feelings and thoughts of all involved.

The really great thing I get from your post is that you guys are talking about things that haven't been discussed previously in your marriage. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity to open up to one another and get to know each other all over again.
This really does tell a great deal about us. And yes the truth is that it quite possibly could never amount to more than a fantasy and a few too many glasses of wine while we are wide eyed and giddy with the "wow that would be incredible" feeling. Like I stated earlier and before in other threads, I am not a teenager or a twenty something already bored with marriage. It has more to do with things I have been feeling for a very long time and never had the nerve to even discuss. And please please please - even though I appreciate (really I do) the well intended and very well thought out pm's that I have gotten telling me to think twice and maybe another hundred times before I head down that road - please understand my marriage is a true partnership. We do not do things solo and at this point in my life I have neither the desire nor the intention of ever changing that. I just had some conflicting emotions that I put out for advice. Thanks to all for reading and offering opinions.
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Old 11-11-2012, 04:03 PM   #14
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Even though I trust him completely, if he tells me that he has no problem with me having casual sex as long as I am not emotionally connected, does that mean that he feels like it is ok too?
Not really answering the question you asked, but: some people who begin with a "sex but no emotional attachment" type of agreement find out that it's not always possible to guarantee feelings. Be careful about that particular promise.
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Old 11-11-2012, 04:09 PM   #15
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seems

Seems perfectly logical to me that you could have conflicting feelings about having permission to have sex with another. Those are what makes us human. Would you say you want to be wanted by him enough indicating your value. But you also the thrill of getting it on with another with all those sensations?
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Old 11-11-2012, 04:11 PM   #16
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Not really answering the question you asked, but: some people who begin with a "sex but no emotional attachment" type of agreement find out that it's not always possible to guarantee feelings. Be careful about that particular promise.
I could not possibly develop an emotional attachment to another man and feel certain my husband feels the same. Again, my original post was made after too few hours of sleep (that is why I could not respond for some time after I posted the thread....nap time) and the usual clouded emotions when he leaves on another job. I can honestly say that no matter what other thoughts I may have, I have never doubted his commitment to me and mine to him.
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Old 11-11-2012, 04:13 PM   #17
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Seems perfectly logical to me that you could have conflicting feelings about having permission to have sex with another. Those are what makes us human. Would you say you want to be wanted by him enough indicating your value. But you also the thrill of getting it on with another with all those sensations?
At this point I fear saying anything more due to the constant pm's that are less than polite. I guess I have stepped on a few sore toes with my OP. Thanks for posting though.
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Old 11-11-2012, 04:31 PM   #18
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I would say be careful what you wish for. Fantasy is one thing, reality something else. I've never been in an open relationship and am comfortable with that. And I'm comfortable with my sexuality and know that despite my history with men, it's men who still turn me on. If I remember right you mentioned earlier you had read the 50 shades books or something similar. It seems a lot of people are seeing these kinds of books and their popularity as the idea of using it in their own lives to explore things that they never would have thought of exploring. Kind of like everyone's doing it so it must be ok. I would guess it's ok for the minority who would have probably ventured into these areas anyway... Just my thoughts.
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Old 11-11-2012, 07:11 PM   #19
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I just want to throw one thing in here...

Most people know of my thoughts regarding fidelity so I won't go into that; however, saying a man, or any person, should be confident that their spouse loves him/her when they see them having sex with another person is like saying a man should be confident he's the best while the man standing next to him raises the first place trophy.
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Old 11-11-2012, 08:26 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by southern_gal View Post
Thanks all for the very helpful advice and thoughts. I am not so much worried - actually I am really not worried at all about my husband cheating because he simply isn't like that. He is so laid back and carefree and has made it more than clear thru the years how important I am to him. I suppose part of my insecurities surfaced in my post. More to the point I guess is what I am feeling about a small part of me that would like to see him not want to ever see me with anyone else. I would love to tease him and make him watch me with another lover and not let him play along (wink) and also I would like to watch him with someone else and teasing me like that. But I would be fibbing if I said I am not conflicted about my dual emotions. I consider myself intelligent and like to think that I can logically reason out most of my feelings but for the life of me I cannot get to the root of why I want both the ability for the both of us to share a lover and yet sorta want him to be greedy about me. Does that make any sense at all? At any rate, rest assured that nothing will ever happen beyond the fantasy stage if it could pose a problem in our marriage. Nothing would be worth that regardless of how arousing a fantasy could be. Thanks again for all the thoughtful replies.
Hey Southern Girl. When I get jealous about my partner I start to become aroused at the same time. I think there is a fine line between jealousy and arousal or maybe they are part and parcel. What you are feeling is part of the reason why so many of us do not not share these feelings with our partner. No one knows for sure what will happen when Pandora's box finally opens. I say have some fun. Life is too damn short
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:51 AM   #21
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Most people know of my thoughts regarding fidelity so I won't go into that; however, saying a man, or any person, should be confident that their spouse loves him/her when they see them having sex with another person is like saying a man should be confident he's the best while the man standing next to him raises the first place trophy.
I think that's a terrible analogy.

For the type of situation OP is suggesting, you have to have confidence in yourself, your SO and your relationship together. Otherwise you have no business getting yourself into that situation in the first place. That's why communication is very important PRIOR to it occurring.

In my opinion this scenario has nothing to do with fidelity. It's not being unfaithful when two consenting adults have agreed upon the situation beforehand, communicated in depth about it, and nothing is being done behind the other's back.
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Old 11-12-2012, 12:58 PM   #22
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I'm from the "The only thing better than two people fighting to the death over me with swords or pistols at dawn would be winning that sort of fight myself" school of thought regarding jealousy/possessiveness, so I'm probably a bit of an outlier. But I liked nakdsub's analogy.
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Old 11-12-2012, 01:30 PM   #23
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Most people know of my thoughts regarding fidelity so I won't go into that; however, saying a man, or any person, should be confident that their spouse loves him/her when they see them having sex with another person is like saying a man should be confident he's the best while the man standing next to him raises the first place trophy.
Very well-said! I completely agree with this.
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Old 11-12-2012, 03:11 PM   #24
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How do you talk to your partner about jealousy without it turning into a "are you telling me there's something I need to be jealous about?" fight? I constantly fantasize about doing a threesome or a swap, but I'm afraid to bring it up.

A little prior history: my wife and I broken up for a time before we were married (she was carrying our son at the time, too). She slept with another man, but didn't tell me until about 3 months ago. The breakup (and her sex encounter) occurred six years ago. I had no reason to feel jealous, and I was not jealous at all. I was actually mildly amused. She got angry at me because I wasn't jealous or upset. What did I do wrong?
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Old 11-12-2012, 05:06 PM   #25
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Quote:
southern gal quoth:
even though i trust him completely, if he tells me that he has no problem with me having casual sex as long as i am not emotionally connected, does that mean that he feels like it is ok too?
you know, if you want the answer to this question, you should ask him, don't you think? :>

honestly, i think that your misgivings and conflicted feelings are becase of the fact that you're venturing into new territory and as such, it's only natural you aren't sure how you feel. IMHO, the simple truth is that you really can't know how you're going to feel until you're in the situation. the same, honestly, is true of your husband.

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