Go Back   Literotica Discussion Board > Main Literotica Forums > Story Discussion Circle

Reply
 
Thread Tools

Old 10-31-2012, 12:11 PM   #1
manofsteel666
Experienced
 
manofsteel666 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 38
First time author, first story chapter - thoughts?

Hello everybody! First time author here, so I'd appreciate any feedback on my story. This based on a true story from Halloween night some years back.



As we head back to the apartment, the anticipation keeps growing stronger and stronger. Knowing that we’d both be home alone, free to explore the entire house, makes it all the more exciting. You’re looking so sexy as you were all dressed up in fishnets, Slayer t-shirt, teased hair and make-up. I couldn’t wait to see what outfit you’d have waiting for me in the bedroom.


As we enter the apartment, I grab you and hold you close against me, and kiss you hard and deep. “Nobody’s home. Let’s take a shower together,” I demanded. You are more than happy to oblige. Within seconds, we were naked, neither of us wanting to hesitate to touch each other. We step into the shower, the hot water instantly warming up our cold bodies. Within seconds we’re immersed in a passionate kiss, and I instantly become rock-hard with arousal.


I grab a bar of soap and start caressing it over your shoulders, your back, down to your firm, amazing ass. You start kissing my neck and whispering in my ear, and my cock is practically throbbing. Seeing my arousal below, you place your hands around my cock, making it stand up even more. I start to use the bar of soap to caress your beautiful, perfect breasts. Your nipples are rock hard, and you moan as I slide the warm soap in circular motions and caress them with my fingers. You start to bend down, and I wonder what you’re doing.


I feel your wet hair hang down on my cock, and it feels so good. Your head moves downwards, and I feel you start to kiss and lick up and down my shaft. I run my soapy fingers through your wet hair and caress your scalp as you start to place the head of my cock on your tongue. I moan with pleasure as the mixture of the hot water on our bodies and the feel of your warm, wet tongue as it takes in more of my cock is making it hard to hold back.


You hold my balls in your hand and you start to lick and gently suck them, sending shivers down my spine. You stroke my shaft with your wet, soft hands and my cock is throbbing now. You slide my manhood between your warm, soapy breasts, tit-fucking me, bringing me even closer to exploding. Then you stand up, and I passionately kiss you, squeezing your ass with one hand while holding your head against mine. You can feel my cock rub against you, and I can tell you don’t want to wait any longer for it to be inside of you, by the sexy look in your eyes that begs, “fuck me now.”


We dry each other off with towels, unable to keep our hands off one another. I go into the bedroom first, awaiting your arrival. When you show up, you are wearing a surprise – the black lingerie that you know always drives me wild. I get so excited that I grab my phone and take a picture of you in your outfit, knowing I’ll want to use it as material when I please myself later thinking of this night. I sit down on my chair at the computer desk, and you approach me, looking sexier and hotter than ever. I’m still aroused from our romp in the shower, and I can’t wait to feel myself inside of you. You lift up one leg and start to straddle over my legs, facing me. I reach up and kiss you, and hold your chest close to my naked body. You move your hips closer to me, inching your warm wetness towards the tip of my shaft.


“You look so good, I want you so bad” I tell you. You lean down and suck on my neck, and I feel the tip of my cock move up and down against your wet slit, which grows more and more wet with each kiss and touch. You lean forward and adjust your hips and my tip slowly enters inside of you, feeling very tight but very wet and warm. I let out a moan of pleasure, and you do the same, gasping when you feel how hard and firm I already am. I wrap my hands around your back and squeeze your ass, easing you down further onto my shaft. I thrust my hips upwards to meet your motions, and the friction is so hot it almost hurts, but your wetness makes the pain and pleasure that much more intense. You look into my eyes as you start to slowly grind your hips on me, taking control of the situation. You’re more vocal than usual, probably due to the drinking, telling me how good it feels, moaning “oh my god, oh fuck” even more than usual. I’m doing the same, “fuck yeah, ride me, you feel amazing,” and it’s true – it’s the best sex ever.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-31-2012, 02:30 PM   #2
soflabbwlvr
Prescription Strength
 
soflabbwlvr's Avatar
 
soflabbwlvr is online now
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Twenty minutes away
Posts: 3,277
You lost me in the first paragraph. Any story that starts out with "You were looking so sexy as you were all dressed up in your fishnets..." is an automatic click away for me. I don't wear fishnets, and anything else you wrote is not--and never can be--me. Take "you" out of the story and write it about someone--anyone--that is the object of your fantasy. The way it is currently written, you have an audience of one. Why post it on Lit.? Just e-mail it to her.

Second, who are these people? Why should I care about them. All you have is a sex scene. Why do I care if these two people have sex? Who are they? Make me care about them. Make them interesting. Tell me something about them before they jump into the shower.

Third, is there going to be a story, or just a series of sex acts? So far, there is no plot. Two people taking a shower together and screwing isn't much of a narrative. It's almost a stroker, but it comes up a little short of that, also.

You might have the basis of a story, but you cut out 75% of what makes it worth reading just to jump into a sex scene. Like sex, there needs to be a build up. You have to cultivate interest, tease with details, seduce the reader into wanting to have sex. Don't just ram it in with no lube. Work up to it. Make the reader want it as much as the characters.
__________________
Too much is still not enough

Deep Undercover

Pussy Rules
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-31-2012, 04:32 PM   #3
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
 
sr71plt's Avatar
 
sr71plt is offline
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Mid-Atlantic, USA
Posts: 34,355
soflabbwlvr is quite right about being put off in the first paragraph. You pick a very hard perspective to do well--present tense and addressed directly to the reader--and you fall out of tense three times in just the first, short paragraph. I think you've bitten off more, stylistically, than you can chew.
__________________
______________________
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-31-2012, 06:48 PM   #4
JuneSummers
Experienced
 
JuneSummers is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: At the computer
Posts: 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by manofsteel666 View Post
[i]Let’s take a shower together,” I demanded.
I also like to use verbs other than "said" after a quote, but this is not exactly a demand. I think "suggest" would be better, or even "urge." (As sr71plt mentioned before, keep an eye on those tenses!)

Also, what other people might be in that house? Kids, parents or even roommates? If this were clear it would give the reader a much better idea about who we're dealing with.

You describe the woman as having dressed up, but it's not evident from the story itself that it's because of Halloween. Perhaps you could mention a pumpkin by the front door if you don't want to say it literally.

Hope that helps!
__________________
June

My stories
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-01-2012, 04:31 AM   #5
hongjian
Virgin
 
hongjian is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 3
Quote:
Originally Posted by manofsteel666 View Post
“You look so good, I want you so bad” .
maybe it is right.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-01-2012, 11:34 AM   #6
tevans
Virgin
 
tevans is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Princeton, New Jersey
Posts: 4
Okay, let's get started. First of all, my recommendation is to keep this, store it away, and then revise it after you've done some other stories. Unlike most people, I am willing to deal with the novelty of second person/present tense, but under two conditions: you know how to write, and it's a quickie. Therefore, don't plan a series after this one. For now, limit yourself first to writing stories in third person/past tense. You can do the occasional first person, but a lot of them turn out very weak.

May I start by working off of JuneSummers?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JuneSummers View Post
I also like to use verbs other than "said" after a quote, but this is not exactly a demand. I think "suggest" would be better, or even "urge." (As sr71plt mentioned before, keep an eye on those tenses!)
While her suggested verbs are good, I sincerely disagree with using "creative" dialogue tags. Dialogue tags serve one purpose, and one purpose only - to identify the speaker. Mood should be conveyed by context and the dialogue itself. The reality is that most readers read so fast that the word "said" doesn't even register in their minds, which is exactly how we want it. Our word choices should never draw attention to themselves.

Quote:
Also, what other people might be in that house? Kids, parents or even roommates? If this were clear it would give the reader a much better idea about who we're dealing with.
I would just like to point out that you handled this fine in saying "we'd both be home alone." Now, one might think that using only five words to convey an important detail is not enough; some readers might miss it. Yeah, some might, but most won't, and all will be angry with you if you hit us over the head with it.

Quote:
You describe the woman as having dressed up, but it's not evident from the story itself that it's because of Halloween. Perhaps you could mention a pumpkin by the front door if you don't want to say it literally.

Hope that helps!
You could, or you could break a sin of first- and third- person writing which I feel you need to break: tell us what the narrator looks like! My biggest concern reading this was "Who am I having sex with?" In other stories, this really isn't necessary, but your story is so short that I don't have time to form my own clear ideas of the man who's taking me to bed. The other thing is that your situation tips the tables: in most stories, the narrator is the one with whom the reader identifies. In your story, however, I identify with the woman, and your narrator becomes the "sex partner," who must be described in physical detail. You must especially do this because you cannot be egotistical and tell me what I like and don't like doing, how your hair feels under my fingers, how smooth your skin is, how you cock feels in my hand, etc. Therefore, you've got to do as much physical description of yourself as possible without coming across as self-confident. I need details, and for that I need to know who I'm touching.

Now onto some more specifics:

Quote:
“Nobody’s home. Let’s take a shower together,” I demanded. You are more than happy to oblige.
Don't tell me how I feel. Besides being arrogant, it's completely unnecessary. This is an example of telling, and it sneaks into too many stories. My advice when you revise is to cut out as much telling of feeling as you can, and see how much of it you can get across through dialogue and action. Obviously, we need feelings, but you can run into trouble with poor writing very easily when attempting to convey them.

Quote:
Within seconds, we were naked, neither of us wanting to hesitate to touch each other.
Okay, the second half of this sentence is beyond awkward. You have three verbs squished together! (You've also told me how I feel again, by the way. ) My personal taste would be to replace this sentence (and the previous one that I've already discussed) with a nice description of how you take my clothes off, and what I find under yours. That's my personal taste though. Unfortunately, it seems to happen just like your story in real life too... I hate it when I go home with a guy and find he won't take his time and enjoy the process of undressing. To keep this sentence, though, I might say, "Within seconds, we were naked, my shirt lying on the floor and your fishnets draped over the sink." Better? Also in this paragraph, two things happen "instantly" that don't happen instantly in real life, plus you shouldn't repeat such a distinct word in such proximity, unless you are looking for a poetic effect. (Your repetition does not achieve a poetic effect.)

Quote:
I grab a bar of soap and start caressing it over your shoulders, your back, down to your firm, amazing ass.
This sentence sounds like you're caressing the soap and not my ass! It could be fixed simply by deleting the words "it over." And, to cut down on quoting, you tell me in the next sentence that I'm whispering in your ear, but what am I saying? Or can you not understand me?

Are you starting to get the picture? Similar problems keep cropping up throughout the story. A couple more points: the phrase "tit-fucking me" is beyond unnecessary, delete it. If we are "unable to keep our hands off each other," how did I restrain myself long enough for you to get in bed before me? Before you fuck me, please take off the lingerie that I put on after we showered together.

Never mind, one more quote:
Quote:
You’re more vocal than usual, probably due to the drinking, telling me how good it feels, moaning “oh my god, oh fuck” even more than usual.
You just killed the mood. "Probably due to the drinking?" You're kidding me, right? Why isn't it because you're such a fantastic lover? Why not because we've finally got the house to ourselves, and I can make as much noise as I damn want? Why did you have to say "Well, you were a little tipsy, but that made it great sex!" To put this on an academic level, you are telling, not showing again. If you want us to be tipsy in this story, you need to make it apparent from the beginning that we've probably had a little too much to drink. Show the way we stumble into the bathroom and giggle as we take our clothes off. Hell, you can even tell me that you think we've had too much to drink, but you've got to do so in the beginning of the story. Still, though, the reason we're having such a fantastic time should be because it's hot sex and it's us, not because we've chugged a few too many.

So that's that. Go write a third-person/past-tense story and bear in mind these points. Let's talk about something though: revising. Yeah, it sucks, but I hope you'll do it. Why? Because everything I've told you is just going to stem your creative flow if you try and avoid/change it while writing the first draft. Write with abandon, forget the rules, then read back over it and remove the blemishes. Some general tips on revising: cut out as many adverbs as you can possibly do without, and in general avoid repetition and redundancy. As far as mechanics go, get your hands on a copy of Elements of Style by Strunk and White. And go read some non-erotica short stories. Published, quality short stories. Find one that really speaks to you, and then take apart the characters, plot, dialogue, and figure out how it ticks.

One last word, and then I'm done. I may have give you the impression that I firmly live in the "show, don't tell" camp. I don't want you to think that. A good author knows that telling is absolutely necessary for some parts of a story. The real judgment is in how the author chooses what parts of the story to tell and what parts to show. The best way to find out when to do each is to read other great stories, and to pay attention to the reactions of your readers. Just don't go showing every little thing in full, vivid detail just because of a writing maxim.

Okay, one more word: Don't think, because I've given such a long critique of your writing, that your story is any worse than the stories published on this site. It's not. I've merely given you my ideas on how your story could be better. Take it or leave it, you're in charge. I do hope what I've said helps, though. Happy writing!
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-05-2012, 10:50 AM   #7
BonnevilleFlats
Really Experienced
 
BonnevilleFlats is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 134
When using "You" in narrative it should be limited to those stories with a second person point of view like Jay McInerney's novel Bright Lights Big City. The "You" in the story should be the reader. The way it is used in your first paragraph becomes confusing. Stories told from the second person pov are somewhat rare on literotica and have the potential to be really hot and stand out. But work on the easier and more traditional pov's first -- first person and limited third person. I think it takes greater experience to do something from the second person or an omniscient story.
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:21 AM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.