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Old 11-02-2012, 09:28 PM   #1
Emerson40
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Do you have a Safeword?

Recently we used our safeword during some rough (rougher than usual) play. Everything came to a stop, and after some communication and a wee breather, we resumed the session at a "lower voltage".

We brought up the topic of safewords at a Halloween gathering and were pleasantly surprised by how many couples had one. We suspect a couple of the others who claimed they didn't probably do, and just didn't want to admit it.

I think safewords are more commonly discussed and used in the BDSM community or those who rape-play - just search "Safeword" and see the post hits in the BDSM Talk section - but as our recent discovery at the Halloween party revealed, a great deal of folks (more than we were expecting) have one.

Our safeword is "Banana". Easy to remember, isn't common with our "pillow-talk", and won't ever fall prey to the "Please don't stop!" vs the "Please! Don't! STOP!" mix-up. We also, should the mouth be gagged or otherwise occupied, use a tap-out (hands or feet) signal to let the other know "STOP!".

Do you have a safeword?

If so and you are so inclined to share, what is it?
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Old 11-03-2012, 09:57 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerson40 View Post
Recently we used our safeword during some rough (rougher than usual) play. Everything came to a stop, and after some communication and a wee breather, we resumed the session at a "lower voltage".

We brought up the topic of safewords at a Halloween gathering and were pleasantly surprised by how many couples had one. We suspect a couple of the others who claimed they didn't probably do, and just didn't want to admit it.

I think safewords are more commonly discussed and used in the BDSM community or those who rape-play - just search "Safeword" and see the post hits in the BDSM Talk section - but as our recent discovery at the Halloween party revealed, a great deal of folks (more than we were expecting) have one.

Our safeword is "Banana". Easy to remember, isn't common with our "pillow-talk", and won't ever fall prey to the "Please don't stop!" vs the "Please! Don't! STOP!" mix-up. We also, should the mouth be gagged or otherwise occupied, use a tap-out (hands or feet) signal to let the other know "STOP!".

Do you have a safeword?

If so and you are so inclined to share, what is it?
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Old 11-03-2012, 10:01 AM   #3
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I always provide a safe word or signal, but it's never had to be used. In my opinion and experience, if a dom pays attention properly and knows what to watch for, he can control the scene well enough to make sure the submissive stays safe and within any defined or even unknown limits.

If there's a relationship and they know each other well enough, then that type of observant control should be that much easier.

But, there's always certain risks. So a safe word or signal should always be present. It's better to have it and not need it, then need it and not have it. Same for all BDSM safety in general.
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Old 11-03-2012, 05:22 PM   #4
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I agree

Only one sub has ever called a final safeword on me, though another got to 'yellow'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thelovingsadist View Post
I always provide a safe word or signal, but it's never had to be used. In my opinion and experience, if a dom pays attention properly and knows what to watch for, he can control the scene well enough to make sure the submissive stays safe and within any defined or even unknown limits.

If there's a relationship and they know each other well enough, then that type of observant control should be that much easier.

But, there's always certain risks. So a safe word or signal should always be present. It's better to have it and not need it, then need it and not have it. Same for all BDSM safety in general.
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Old 11-03-2012, 08:25 PM   #5
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Absolutely, and you can see them in my signature.

I chose requiem because it's not a word that really can be spouted out by accident during play, and I never listen to mozart during such activities.

The symbol was chosen because I am fluent in one handed ASL, and the simple for K is simple enough to do while in bonds (even tight ones), but is quite distinct.
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Old 11-03-2012, 10:08 PM   #6
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With my ex, we had safewords. Usually I wasn't good with them as I get very non verbal.

But "fuck off or I'm going to hurt you" was generally good for stopping if he'd forgotten to check my non verbal body language.

With my current partner, I haven't introduced safewords yet. I pay close attention to his body and vocal noises. When they change in certain ways, I know how he's doing.

If we get more into spanking, flogging or similar more intense types of sensation play, I'll introduce safewords.
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Old 11-03-2012, 10:29 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daikarasu View Post
The symbol was chosen because I am fluent in one handed ASL, and the simple for K is simple enough to do while in bonds (even tight ones), but is quite distinct.
Sign Language as a non-verbal safe signal, eh. That's brilliant. I'll have to remember it. There aren't too many options for a non-verbal signal that a completely bound submissive can use. At least, I haven't managed to come up with too many clever ones on my own...
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Old 11-03-2012, 10:41 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thelovingsadist View Post
Sign Language as a non-verbal safe signal, eh. That's brilliant. I'll have to remember it. There aren't too many options for a non-verbal signal that a completely bound submissive can use. At least, I haven't managed to come up with too many clever ones on my own...
Thanks! ^^

Yeah, it was hard coming up with one for me too, something like tapping out (we use that in martial arts often) doesn't exactly work if someone is bound to a bed, and can be mistaken for just squirming.

It's enabled me to take things to a level I wasn't really comfortable with before, I was never comfortable gagging someone when they didn't have a way to communicate they needed things to stop.
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Old 11-03-2012, 10:52 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daikarasu View Post
Thanks! ^^

Yeah, it was hard coming up with one for me too, something like tapping out (we use that in martial arts often) doesn't exactly work if someone is bound to a bed, and can be mistaken for just squirming.

It's enabled me to take things to a level I wasn't really comfortable with before, I was never comfortable gagging someone when they didn't have a way to communicate they needed things to stop.
Not just tapping out, but also using noise-based signals can also be impractical at times.

This is probably one of the first non-verbal signal that I would be comfortable using for my more serious interests, too.
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Old 11-03-2012, 10:56 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by thelovingsadist View Post
Not just tapping out, but also using noise-based signals can also be impractical at times.

This is probably one of the first non-verbal signal that I would be comfortable using for my more serious interests, too.
yeah, i mean, it's really hard to distinguish moans of pleasure from moans of "stop."

Well I am glad that I was able to help out in that area :3
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Old 11-04-2012, 06:37 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerson40 View Post
Our safeword is "Banana". Easy to remember, isn't common with our "pillow-talk", and won't ever fall prey to the "Please don't stop!" vs the "Please! Don't! STOP!" mix-up. We also, should the mouth be gagged or otherwise occupied, use a tap-out (hands or feet) signal to let the other know "STOP!".

Do you have a safeword?

If so and you are so inclined to share, what is it?
How weird! Our word is banana too We've only used it once and it was only because I got a sudden painful leg cramp while in a slightly odd position.. We have used a banana in bed before too though, so maybe it'd be wise to pick another fruit next time..
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Old 11-04-2012, 03:21 PM   #12
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How weird! Our word is banana too We've only used it once and it was only because I got a sudden painful leg cramp while in a slightly odd position.. We have used a banana in bed before too though, so maybe it'd be wise to pick another fruit next time..
you could always use grapefruit. I find it highly unlikely for that to be used sexually. or pineapple. Though, if you do use both of those, bravo ^^
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Old 11-04-2012, 03:26 PM   #13
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Nope; we just talk if something needs adjusting.
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Old 11-04-2012, 03:27 PM   #14
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Nope; we just talk if something needs adjusting.
This is far too reasonable. Don't you know that much more drama is required in order to keep ones bee-dee-ess-em card active?
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Old 11-04-2012, 03:42 PM   #15
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Quote:
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How weird! Our word is banana too We've only used it once and it was only because I got a sudden painful leg cramp while in a slightly odd position.. We have used a banana in bed before too though, so maybe it'd be wise to pick another fruit next time..
Quote:
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you could always use grapefruit. I find it highly unlikely for that to be used sexually. or pineapple. Though, if you do use both of those, bravo ^^
There was another couple at the party who had banana as well. When they heard we used banana, they (she) decided that mango would be a better fit for them.

They stuck with fruit....
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Old 11-04-2012, 03:49 PM   #16
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Early in our relationship, my master and I discussed safewords and decided on one. But I never used it and not long after I asked him if we could get rid of it. He knows me very well so even if I get nonverbal he knows how to read me. I am also able to just tell him if something isnt right.

I could see the need for a safeword if we did more resistance play or played with people we didnt know as well as we know each other.
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Old 11-04-2012, 07:15 PM   #17
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Sign Language as a non-verbal safe signal, eh. That's brilliant. I'll have to remember it. There aren't too many options for a non-verbal signal that a completely bound submissive can use. At least, I haven't managed to come up with too many clever ones on my own...
If the hands are free having them hold a ball or marble they can drop might work..course if the hand is bound up, won't work either....advantage of a ball or marble is if the sub goes into subspace really deeply or otherwise is out of it, they will release it telling the dominant they may be too far.
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Old 11-04-2012, 07:20 PM   #18
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I would hazard a guess most people into BD/SM use a safe word, and in playing with someone you don't know well to me is a given. As with a prior poster, some people get to the point where they don't need a specific safe word, that between the dominant reading the sub and the sub able to communicate if something is really wrong (which in effect is a safeword, it is a way of saying this isn't right). I know advanced players who are proud of not using a safe word, of not having one, but knowing them the way they work and are, they have them, but not on the form of a word, it is a combination of expressing/reading without words. Some extreme D/s couples operate without them, where the dominant has total control, but those are in the extremes.
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Old 11-04-2012, 07:37 PM   #19
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Interesting that banana seems to be common, it was my first suggestion to hubby and he said it wasn't a great idea because he didn't want to be cracking up every time we went through the produce section. The next night his experimenting he went a bit far to which I responded "ah not good ow!" That works for us.
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Old 11-04-2012, 08:08 PM   #20
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Quote:
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Nope; we just talk if something needs adjusting.
I'm happy this works for you, but it doesn't work too well for those who are gagged. Or who get so into the scene that neither participant wants to slow down enough to just talk about it. Some of us are too wild to hear anything except the screams and things that are so strange and out of the moment that it catches attention enough to stop. Thus, safe words were born.


Quote:
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If the hands are free having them hold a ball or marble they can drop might work..course if the hand is bound up, won't work either....advantage of a ball or marble is if the sub goes into subspace really deeply or otherwise is out of it, they will release it telling the dominant they may be too far.
That's another good idea, but they can also be dropped accidentally or during intense orgasm occasionally. It's much better then having no signal at all, and it would be ideal for some positions, but it would still be open to mistakes or misinterpretation from time to time. Especially with more complex positions, where the nature of the position would make the weight of the ball or marble in their hand very uncomfortable for the submissive, or for some trying to not drop it might simply be a distraction from the pain and pleasure that the dominant is trying to make them focus on.

So far, the best non-verbal idea I've heard of (in general, not simply in this thread) is still the sign language idea. Because as long as the submissive has one hand free from the wrist on, they can make the signal any time they need to.

As far as getting lost in subspace, that goes back to my mention of Observant Domination in my first post in this thread. A good, observant Dominant should (SHOULD...) be able to recognize when a submissive is gone and take action accordingly.
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Old 11-04-2012, 08:38 PM   #21
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We use "yellow" to slow things down or decrease the intensity. "Red" brings things to a halting stop and results in a discussion. I have never used "red" while in the submissive role, but I have had a guy use it to stop my actions while I was the Dominant. This could have been prevented had we discussed more fully his limits, but we ironed out these issues and were able to find a pleasurable finish for us both. I must say that I am a far better submissive than Dominant. Perhaps this is because I enjoy the submissive role much more.
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Old 11-04-2012, 08:50 PM   #22
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Our solution for the ability (never been a necessity, to date) to express a safeword while gagged? Found in most any store, and cheap. A squeaky toy. Also works when restrained. He places the toy in my hand after I'm in position and no matter what, gagged, restrained, or the rare times I'm blindfolded. I have the ability to stop the scene if I need to.
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Old 11-04-2012, 09:01 PM   #23
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Our solution for the ability (never been a necessity, to date) to express a safeword while gagged? Found in most any store, and cheap. A squeaky toy. Also works when restrained. He places the toy in my hand after I'm in position and no matter what, gagged, restrained, or the rare times I'm blindfolded. I have the ability to stop the scene if I need to.
This is an excellent idea. Unfortunately, I tend to clench my fists just before exploding, so this would not work for me.
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Old 11-04-2012, 09:31 PM   #24
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I'm happy this works for you, but it doesn't work too well for those who are gagged. Or who get so into the scene that neither participant wants to slow down enough to just talk about it. Some of us are too wild to hear anything except the screams and things that are so strange and out of the moment that it catches attention enough to stop. Thus, safe words were born.
Oh I understand why safe-words were born, and it would be a bit of a reach to presume that those who TALK [when necessary] instead of using a specific word aren't doing the whole screams/etc thing*. Same [presumption] that talking slows things down anymore than remembering/saying "banana".

I offered my opinion, because so often these conversations because these sorts of conversations can wander down the path of "ZOMG! They don't use a SAFE-WORD! How DANGEROUS [irresponsible, bad ass, blahblahblah]!!"

Nope. Some people aren't being dangerous or bad ass or whatever. They just prefer to say "sweetheart my shoulder's cramping... this is triggering something... etc". Even though we do more breathplay than is probably wise, [to date] I can still elbow him in the ribs if it's too much.

My other issue with safe-words, is the number of submissives/bottoms who have developed the asinine idea that to NOT safe-word is either some sort of badge of honor, or a failure. simply talking (IMO) takes a lot of pressure off what can become a loaded situation.

Personal opinions only, of course; to each their own.







* It took the poor [very protective, very strong, very assertive when necessary] German Shepard months to get comfortable enough with the things he's done to/sounds escaping from me, to stop reacting/interrupting to "protect" me from his master. LOL
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Old 11-04-2012, 09:52 PM   #25
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No, no. I understand your opinion, and I understand a lot of people practice things that way. It's fine and I'm happy when I see people who can enjoy that.

I was simply pointing out that sometimes, some people do need safe words, because hardcore scenes can get rather intense for a lot of reasons. Sometimes the submissive doesn't want to, or can't think straight well enough to, just stop and talk. And other time's, role play and other mind/character games are involved where that could simply be confused for part of the game. There are a lot of things to take in to account when deciding whether or not one needs a safe word, and a lot of people decide it's better to be safe then sorry. Which is very wise.

I also agree that some submissive's desire to not use a safe word can be frustrating. There is a place for that in BDSM, but in my opinion it is only in a 24/7 lifetime relationship where trust has been developed to the highest levels, and the Dom knows and understands the submissive so well that a safe word has not been needed for a long time anyway. Anything less then that, and in my opinion it's just the submissive being arrogant and foolish (and usually inexperienced), thinking that she can handle things that she most probably can not.




Oh, and, I know how German Shepherds can be too. I've had two. Smartest and wisest dogs in the world, in my opinion. Once they are trained, and mature. Silly puppies are fun to watch, though.
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