Old 10-23-2012, 10:30 AM   #1
twelveoone
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The opening line

was thinking about this
and sure as shit, ya didn't fail me

Primarily for newbies, but really for everybody... even though if you have a name, i.e. a Tzara will be read more than New1

You have about two seconds
to smack the reader in the head because if he starts to yawn, he'll move on
and i couldn't come up with examples - ya didn't fail me

Toga clad F.B.I. agents - ok, wtf, where is he going...
Eat pizza beside a burning van - wtf, i'm hooked

from
smoke. in Up
byHarryHill
interesting title also

this is a short one, i'm done, got though it. i'm not going to pretend it's great poetry but he sustained an interest.

this relies on an unusual image, there are other ways to "grab"

so here is a question, what grabs you?
what two lines drive you on?
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Old 10-23-2012, 11:43 AM   #2
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Oh! a new game.....
..
My hand was trapped like a monkey's in a bottle;
I'm glad it's not my cock in there
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:29 PM   #3
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1201 - for a guy who at least goes on walks in Jersey, you show some remarkable gaps in Americana. Please don't tell me you haven't seen Up In Smoke or the various other Cheech and Chong films? That is almost as bad as never having read A Confederacy of Dunces. Or never having tasted a RingDing, or seen a little league game. These are institutions that mean more than that ridiculous debate last which I was forced to watch by friends.

Joking.

I agree that the first line/s are critical in a poem. But I am too brain dead today to come up with an example.

Harry - I am not even going to comment on that monkey hand thing, other than to say you may want to avoid becoming the stuff of an urban legend.
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Old 10-23-2012, 04:35 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Desejo View Post
1201 - for a guy who at least goes on walks in Jersey, you show some remarkable gaps in Americana. Please don't tell me you haven't seen Up In Smoke or the various other Cheech and Chong films? That is almost as bad as never having read A Confederacy of Dunces. Or never having tasted a RingDing, or seen a little league game. These are institutions that mean more than that ridiculous debate last which I was forced to watch by friends.

Joking.

I agree that the first line/s are critical in a poem. But I am too brain dead today to come up with an example.

Harry - I am not even going to comment on that monkey hand thing, other than to say you may want to avoid becoming the stuff of an urban legend.
If you can't remember "Up in Smoke," you probably saw it.
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Quote:
Originally posted by LostBaby
My beloved is perfect. He is strong, smart, well read, can & will do anything, tender, and totally adores me. The only thing that could make him better is if he was freak'n wealthy beyond words.
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Old 10-23-2012, 06:01 PM   #5
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Quote:
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If you can't remember "Up in Smoke," you probably saw it.
i thought that was woodstock, but i forget
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Old 10-23-2012, 07:32 PM   #6
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i thought that was woodstock, but i forget
You have to consider that except for the people who were born there, most of the people who attended Woodstock were born before 1950. This means they are all now 60 or older.

Soon, the lack of any memory of Woodstock will be just another symptom.
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Quote:
Originally posted by LostBaby
My beloved is perfect. He is strong, smart, well read, can & will do anything, tender, and totally adores me. The only thing that could make him better is if he was freak'n wealthy beyond words.
On the floor of a small room near the city wall, they found the source of the many fragments of wisdom this civilization had left the world.http://bronzeageworks.blogspot.com/
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Old 10-24-2012, 10:51 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Desejo View Post
1201 - for a guy who at least goes on walks in Jersey, you show some remarkable gaps in Americana. Please don't tell me you haven't seen Up In Smoke or the various other Cheech and Chong films? That is almost as bad as never having read A Confederacy of Dunces. Or never having tasted a RingDing, or seen a little league game. These are institutions that mean more than that ridiculous debate last which I was forced to watch by friends.
so many cultural holes
so little time to fill them
i assume you mean new jersey
some parts you really don't even want to drive through

you came to america for ringdings?
or is this an ins question? airport security?

do you have any ringdings on you?
yes
wave 'em though, he's an american

ok quick name the 50 products that the stars on the flag represent
north ringding
south ringding
coca cola
tampax
burgers
fries
depends...
once the us could hold it's head up high with good products like the louisville slugger, the sherman tank, muscle cars, beer in glass bottles that you could throw out the window at stop signs...
now it's all aluminium

or so i'm told *wink*
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Old 10-24-2012, 04:19 PM   #8
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Commenting under also

Yeah, hard finding a dirt road to park my trailor on too.
..
West ringding, 7 Eleven
..
..
..
..
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV ...........great allusion D

Last edited by HarryHill : 10-24-2012 at 07:22 PM.
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Old 10-24-2012, 04:52 PM   #9
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I don't think you want to get me started on the fall of America.
If the men on our money could see where we have ended up bills would start spontaneously combusting left and right.

However, it is still the only place in the world you can get a perfect turkey club sandwich.
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Old 10-25-2012, 10:52 AM   #10
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Back to opening lines...check out 'Corrine' by ktfal
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Old 10-25-2012, 10:53 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Desejo View Post
I don't think you want to get me started on the fall of America.
If the men on our money could see where we have ended up bills would start spontaneously combusting left and right.

However, it is still the only place in the world you can get a perfect turkey club sandwich.
Chico]
Everyone Says I Love You
The great big mosquito when he stings you
The fly when he gets stuck on the fly paper too says
I Love You

Every time the cow says moo
She makes the bull-a very happy too
The rooster when he hollers cock-a-doodle-doodle-doo
says I Love You

Christopher Columbus he write
the Queen of Spain a very nice little note
He write "I Love You, baby"
and then he gets himself a great big boat
He's a wise guy.
What do you think Columbus do
When he come here in 1492
He said to Pocahontas "Acki Vachi Vachi Voo,
"That means "You little son of a gun, I Love You."

Harpo]
------------------------honk, honk

i think the marxes said it bestest


how a turkey got a club i'll never know
or is this any sandwich at the turkey club
which beggars the question, why are you there
and just what are you looking for
turkey club
indeed
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Old 10-25-2012, 05:06 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twelveoone View Post
b
which beggars the question, why are you there
and just what are you looking for
turkey club
indeed
You know, that is a very good question. I think I shall retreat for a bit to think about it.
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Old 10-26-2012, 03:50 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twelveoone View Post

i think the marxes said it bestest


how a turkey got a club i'll never know
or is this any sandwich at the turkey club
which beggars the question, why are you there
and just what are you looking for
turkey club
indeed
btw des, groucho templates, your words fitted to

much, much better than cheech & chong

check this out
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Old 02-23-2014, 04:30 PM   #14
HarryHill
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Miss the old bastard? need a 12 oh fix?
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"True glory consists in doing what deserves to be written; in writing what deserves to be read."- Pliny the Elder
"Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world."- The Budda
"I'll never be a poet" - The Harry
"You are not the whim of a careless creator, experimenting in the laboratory of life... you were made with a purpose"."-Og Mandino
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Old 02-23-2014, 04:56 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HarryHill View Post
Miss the old bastard? need a 12 oh fix?
yes!

and i'd not seen your write before, either, so double bonus all round
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Old 02-23-2014, 05:16 PM   #16
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Inserted my words
Into your opening line
Poets becoming
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Old 02-23-2014, 05:54 PM   #17
HarryHill
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yes!

and i'd not seen your write before, either, so double bonus all round
First the frock and now the pink tutu... and you say that I'm fixated?
oh, count that, ha ha
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"You are not the whim of a careless creator, experimenting in the laboratory of life... you were made with a purpose"."-Og Mandino
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Old 02-23-2014, 06:02 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by HarryHill View Post
First the frock and now the pink tutu... and you say that I'm fixated?
oh, count that, ha ha
it was you wrote about the tutu, i just dreamt about the dress

the great thing about it was i was completely unfazed and non-judgemental. so that's good, right? let's face it, the frock was small potatoes compared to your malfunctioning pituitary gland rendering you 10' tall....
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Old 02-23-2014, 06:10 PM   #19
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Quote:
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it was you wrote about the tutu, i just dreamt about the dress

the great thing about it was i was completely unfazed and non-judgemental. so that's good, right? let's face it, the frock was small potatoes compared to your malfunctioning pituitary gland rendering you 10' tall....
I'm all gonads and hormones Ma'am bought me hair clips today
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"True glory consists in doing what deserves to be written; in writing what deserves to be read."- Pliny the Elder
"Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world."- The Budda
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"You are not the whim of a careless creator, experimenting in the laboratory of life... you were made with a purpose"."-Og Mandino
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Old 02-23-2014, 06:29 PM   #20
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Quote:
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I'm all gonads and hormones Ma'am bought me hair clips today
*spits coffee*

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What strange machinery lies between her ears
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Old 02-26-2014, 10:58 AM   #21
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Miss the old bastard? need a 12 oh fix?
Are you questioning my age and lineage again, harry, or is this some American term of endearment?
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Old 02-26-2014, 11:19 AM   #22
HarryHill
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Are you questioning my age and lineage again, harry, or is this some American term of endearment?
Ah twelve, just commenting, good to see you, got a poem for us?...Again? I've done this before? Where pray tell have you been and what mischief did you get in
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"Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world."- The Budda
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"You are not the whim of a careless creator, experimenting in the laboratory of life... you were made with a purpose"."-Og Mandino
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Old 02-26-2014, 11:29 AM   #23
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*rubs my eyes*

yeah, still there.

hello, oh sun of york
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Old 02-26-2014, 11:48 AM   #24
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*rubs my eyes*

yeah, still there.

hello, oh sun of york
reminds me. I have work to do.
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Old 03-23-2014, 11:24 AM   #25
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magnetron' opening lines to his latest sub WTF

whut whut
What the fuck whut


gotta love it. well, i did. certainly caught my initial interest.
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