Going up - first submission, please comment!

[Monkeys_paw]

Hi everyone,

I hope this is the right forum now? Otherwise, sorry, mod, please move this thread.
A friend said I could write decent stories, so this is my first submission to prove him wrong (or right).
Please read and tell me what the strong and weak points are and how I can improve.

Thanks for your time and effort!

http://www.literotica.com/s/going-up-8