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Old 09-16-2012, 02:04 AM   #1
LillyRoses
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Hello all, FeedbackRequest

The first part of my novella: Sabrina's Education has been approved. Please read it and let me know what you think.

It is the tale of a young woman's erotic journey after being released from a group home after being orphaned at 14. She is take in by a mysterious wealthy guardian who has many secrets


http://www.literotica.com/s/sabrinas-education-ch-01

Last edited by LillyRoses : 09-16-2012 at 02:16 AM.
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Old 10-17-2012, 03:54 PM   #2
Seawolf7739
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feed Back Sabrina Education.

I guess Wow would be a good start. The story started out a little jerky and I got a little confused in the beginning. However, once you got into the sex part you were outstanding. Normally, when I write I like to set the mood or scene. Starting with Jenna, you could have spent a little more time introducing her and how you help her. How did their trust develop? Once she is in the story, everything else was outstanding. Your descriptive writing is wonderful. I wish I could do as well. I use pictures of write from the Sim2 game to tell my stories.
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Old 10-17-2012, 04:18 PM   #3
LillyRoses
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Feedback: Sabrina's Education

Thanks for the feedback Seawolf. Yes, Jenna had protected Sabrina from the other girls and from a violent caseworker at the home. I thought I had mentiioned that in the story. There are other chapters to come that focus more on the relationship between Jenna and Sabrina and the benefactor that takes Sabrina in. It will get more intricate in terms of plot as the story advances.
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Old 10-18-2012, 04:35 PM   #4
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This is pretty good. You have a firm grasp of your technicals; your biggest problem is that you have a habit of dropping commas, and even that is partially an artistic thing. The only real error I saw was that "Okay" should be spelled, well, like that, instead of "O.k.", which gets the point across but is more confusing.

Structurally, though, you could stand to have more confidence. The story is not about Sabrina and Jenna, is it? It's about Sabrina and Mr. Smith and whatever it is he's going to get up to with her. As such, what I want to read about is Sabrina and Mr. Smith, and whatever he's going to get up to with her. All this stuff with Jenna is irrelevant. Sure, it's hot, if you like that sort of thing, but there are rare people (like myself) who don't care too much for girl-on-girl, and it doesn't advance the plot. It's sexiness for the sake of sexiness. Now, that in itself isn't a bad thing, especially given the publishing venue, but the problem is that you do it by sacrificing the story. You put the plot on hold for sex, and that is, simply put, the wrong thing to do in a story.

Here's the thing about sex stories: we only care if we already care about the characters. Right now, somewhere in this wide world, two strangers are having sex. Does that matter to you? It probably doesn't. Why? Because they're strangers. Their emotional and physical adventures are irrelevant to you. Stories are the same. Your audience may be turned on (or not) by the thought of these two nubile girls writhing together in pleasure, but if there's no emotional connection they're not going to come back. And unfortunately, there isn't one. You haven't shown us much about Sabrina to make us care about her. Oh, she's an orphan, yeah... but that's kind of a cliché. Oh, she's so nice that even the tough girls respect her... But that's also kind of a cliché. Uh-oh, she's being put into a mysterious situation under a man with the most common last name in the English-speaking language! Now this might not be a cliché... But you didn't tell us anything about it! You chose to describe three minutes of writhing instead! Aww man, and here I was hoping to find out who Sabrina really is, not just the fact that she, like most teenagers, is horny. I want to know what makes Sabrina special--what is going to show me that only she can; and, by extension, what you, The Writer, are going to show me that only you can. And, when the first chapter ends without any sign of such uniqueness, I lose interest in the reading a second.

Now, before you get defensive, let me be clear: this is a problem that writers only have when they're good. You would not believe how many people come through this website who haven't figured out what punctuation is for. Your problem, on the other hand, is in little things like importance of information. What are the things I absolutely have to impart on The Reader to keep them interested? Without knowing the answer, you wrote a perfectly serviceable chapter that people like. You're already way ahead of the curve. So keep writing. Things could be way worse.
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Old 10-18-2012, 05:00 PM   #5
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---

Nevermind. I misread the guidance given on OK/okay--and went back to the original and checked. (Except that "Okay" isn't OK, unless it starts the sentence.)
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Old 10-19-2012, 11:59 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
---

Nevermind. I misread the guidance given on OK/okay--and went back to the original and checked. (Except that "Okay" isn't OK, unless it starts the sentence.)
Doesn't it ever depress you to be so anally retentive.

CWatson's critique was great and you lumber in like a bull in a china shop without lowering yourself to review the story the OP asked about. Your egregious vanity is something this site could happily live without.

PS to add: the etymology of OK is unknown so no-one, including the Qu'aran of the CMS can prescibe the orthograph.
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Old 10-19-2012, 12:00 PM   #7
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Doesn't it ever depress you to be so anally retentive.
That's really more of a question for you than for me, sweetheart.
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Old 10-19-2012, 12:09 PM   #8
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That's really more of a question for you than for me, sweetheart.
Like a second-rate politician, you never answer questions or give advice, just denigrate those that call you out on your absurdities.

CWatson gives help, you try to inflate your ego.

Enough said.
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Old 10-19-2012, 12:17 PM   #9
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Well, yes, that's the idiotic agenda you've been following. Of course, not only do I constantly give help on the forum, but I also actually post stories to the Web site. It's quite unclear what you are doing here any more other than to harrass me.
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Old 10-19-2012, 12:26 PM   #10
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By the way, I agree that CWatson gave a good critique here (and never said I didn't). I had posted because I misinterpreted the part about the OK term (and explained that). So, I redid my post (can't just erase them). There still remained the issue that "okay" isn't capitalized.

I might also point out the Elfin didn't give any response at all, either earlier or later, to the request posed by the OP. She just--as she likes to do--posted to rag on me. So, who is it that is harming the process on this thread?

There you go, Elfin. You've trashed another thread with your personal vendetta.
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Old 10-31-2012, 02:44 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
---

Nevermind. I misread the guidance given on OK/okay--and went back to the original and checked. (Except that "Okay" isn't OK, unless it starts the sentence.)
Rubbish! 'Okay' is a synonym of OK and O.K. and can be an adjective or an adverb; a noun or a verb . The spelling variants reflect the foggy etymology.

'Okaying the budget proposals the boss ...' is perfectly acceptable, as is, . . . he finally okayed the budget proposals. Both forms can be replaced with the shortened 'OK'. The perfectly acceptable form of 'O.K.' seems to have gone out of fashion.
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Old 10-31-2012, 05:08 PM   #12
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The POINT that I was making is that "okay" isn't capitalized except at the beginning of a sentence.
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Old 11-01-2012, 06:22 AM   #13
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I agree with everything CWatson says, that is a very good breakdown. Just a couple of additional points:

1. Beware of the underage sex rules. At the start you define Sabrina as being 18, but then you start talking about events that happened in the past. While you could use the get out that all the events had happened since her 18th birthday, it isn't really believable from the narrative and you may end up in a pickle if somebody complains. It almost looks like you are establishing her as 18 and then flashing back as a way of getting around the age limit. Speaking of which:

2. The flashback seems a little awkward here. I am not against flashbacks at all, they often convey the story better than telling it linearly, but in this case it seems a little bit forced. Nothing really happens in the opening scene and we don't really learn anything about Sabrina other than her age. If you are going to have a flashback, you need an anchor to flashback from. The image of a generic grey mansion isn't really enough. If you really want to tell the story of Sabrina and Jenna (which, as CWatson says, might not be necessary) then you may as well start the story in the home and then jump forwards from there. Either that or run the main story for a while and then do the flashback later on, maybe if this lesbian experience becomes relevant to the main story somehow.
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Old 11-11-2012, 01:04 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LillyRoses View Post
The first part of my novella: Sabrina's Education has been approved. Please read it and let me know what you think.

It is the tale of a young woman's erotic journey after being released from a group home after being orphaned at 14. She is take in by a mysterious wealthy guardian who has many secrets


http://www.literotica.com/s/sabrinas-education-ch-01
I love your writing. A few grammatical errors, but I was so lost in the story, it didn't matter.

Please tell me where I can find part 2!
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